Vulnerability vs. Safety

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket --safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." - Clive Staples Lewis.

A few of my friends have been passing this quote back and forth in some of our emails, and it has caught my eye more than once over the last couple of weeks. I was simply thinking of it tonight without even reading it...thinking of how often I put up walls and put my relationships in boxes so I do not have to truly be vulnerable OR truly love people. Tonight for the first time I saw the house of a friend I've known for 7 years...I just met some of his friends...spent time hanging out on his turf, watching him do things that are a normal part of his life rather than keeping him following my plans on my turf. Sigh. I'm such a jerk. Why has it taken me 7 years to do that? When is protection good, and when should a person be vulnerable? Can a person be both safe and vulnerable at the same time? Wouldn't that be an oxymoron?

Along with these thoughts there are the few minutes--not many, of course--that remind me that I could somehow have a "normal" life if...I don't know how. But there are moments when I'm sure it is possible, and then I wonder how all of these strands will come together. Sigh again.

I don't even know what selfishness or vulnerability means right now...again, another reminder of why grace is important. But I do know that God has called us to love. And I can trust God's protection. And even if all of that is confusing and messed up and wrong, I can trust in God's redemption. :)

Advent thoughts

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

So, in the last two days...or the last day (I'm in the middle of this strange night-day confusion that comes from working overnights several days in a row) I've had two conversations of absolute beauty...conversations of relationship and separation and hope and longing...conversations brimming over with love, with hearts' cries to know and be known...conversations of rescue and restoration...

One conversation was with an agnostic who couldn't quite accept how science and faith always came across as being opposite from each other. When I asked him about faith, he said that more important than defining and putting faith in terms and boxes he would rather grow, question, experience with love and authenticity. Moments when he experiences right relationship are moments that are spiritual to him, but the Christians around him won't buy it and say he is not blessed. "What would slapping on the label of 'Christian' really mean?" he asked...

The other conversation was with Eric, who was talking about singing "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" today and how excited he was for it. Somehow, as he passionately spoke about the exile, mourning, pain, and longing, and the call for God to come and be near, my mind was filled with flashing images and poetry, and the words from my previous conversation echoed in my mind.

Love. The authenticity that is seen when someone is mourning, groaning, crying, in exile away from their beloved. Then suddenly, brilliant flashes of light, songs of joy, a flood of peace, and the warmth of knowing that God is love...and not only loving, not only saving, but is near, is present, and will never leave us alone.

A new goal and end-of-semester thoughts...

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. - 1 Cor. 13:12

It's the weekend before finals, and almost all of my journals and papers have been turned in to professors. Now the only things left are tests and presentations, but I feel such a lack of motivation that I'm typing this rather than studying the stack of textbooks next to me. :)

The semester has been...painful. There were weeks of hating myself for not being able to love other people the way that I wanted to, or make decisions the way I wanted to, or think or communicate the way that I wanted to... But there were also moments--so many more moments that were a part of every day--of joy. Laughter with Brian and Carissa. Class with Dr. B and our cohort of outreach people that I love dearly. Homework and work up at OHSCO, where there has started to be so many of us hanging out that it feels like we are all family and work with sensei back in Japan, for some reason. There were so many, many classes where I first felt like a failure and then slowly started feeling like a fighter, and then even began to feel like the teacher a little bit...I love to learn (except for science...oy :)).

Thinking about the biggest message of the semester though has brought me to thinking of the verse above from 1 Corinthians. It is by far the verse that has ministered to me the most this semester, and it is one that Dr. Dave uses frequently in choir. There is the tension of the darkness, the murkiness of the glass in the mirror and the longing brought about by the separation of two people who only see reflections rather than the real things for which they are searching. There is the secrecy, the inner hiddenness of everything behind the reflection that is crying to be let out. But even in the tension, the murkiness, the loneliness, the secrecy, there is hope in knowing that one day all of that ambiguity and uncertainty that was so difficult to be read with confidence will actually be gone, and there will be a "knowing"--a reality so deep and full and rich with relationship! The verse affirms the pain and the hope, the tension and the peace, the longing and the fulfillment...

In choir this semester we sang a song called "Crossing the Bar," with the lyrics by Alfred Lord Tennyson, and the opening words are as follows:

Sunset and evening star,And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,
But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.
Twilight and evening bell
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;
For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crossed the bar.

I'm pretty sure that I cried through 75% of the times I was trying to sing this song, because it was so much mourning and hope twisting together in aches of pain and brilliant flashes of joy...And that is so much what my life is like right now.

But it's ok. :) Even more than that, I think it's good. Dr. Dave teaches all of us so much with his emphasis on "seeing in a glass mirror and one day seeing face-to-face"...It is those people that have the realness of life with pain and hope and relationship with God that I truly respect and want to emulate.

So I have no idea where my life is going, who I'm going to be with, or what I'm going to be doing. Well, I think it probably involves Japan and grad school. :) But...mostly, I want to be the type of person who "sees a poor reflection as in a mirror," but who also knows that one day I'll be "face-to-face" with God my Father...I want to show people that reality.

Days when I feel not-so-23-years-old...

I can't believe this is still only the first week of class...it feels like this has been going on forever, in some respects. Today was another day that somehow ends up going from 8am to 10pm with seemingly very few breaks...but again, the schedule is actually not the problem. :)

Today it was finally my Cross-cultural outreach class and syllabus that broke me--I at least managed to wait until almost everyone was out of the room before crying for a good 45 minutes. For a 400 level course there was nothing out of the ordinary expected of us...but I just can't do all of the writing and service learning and all of the things that are only supposed to take me 30 minutes a day and instead take me hours... I'm used to turning in a paper and knowing that it's good, or taking a test and knowing that I passed. I'm not used to simply shrugging and saying, "It was the best I could do...and I don't know if it's good enough."...Sigh.

Even more than the assignments and expectations though was the vocabulary of the course itself. For some reason, we seem to equate missions with "going" and "doing" and "learning" and "serving"...never just sitting and being filled by God. Even the questions based on the Bible tonight were "doing" questions rather than resting questions, and while it could just be the time of life I'm in right now, it seemed that we needed more emphasis on what God does through us rather than what we can do for God. This is, of course, offered in the humble opinion of a 23-year-old who is still a student. :)

What the "doing" questions really make me think about, however, is not necessarily doing missions. It makes me question all of my reasons for wanting or not wanting to be a DCO in the first place, and it makes me want to throw off all of these DCO expectations that I seem to have and focus on something that I love for once...like literature, for example. Why can I never seem to take a literature class?!?! Why does God have me going down this path that does not seem to fit with my focus or passion...

Well, it does fit in my mind. And apparently it does in some others' minds as well...I had a discussion earlier in the week about the difference between "inreach" and "outreach," and the conclusion that was reached was that they are all part of the same thing. How do I go about explaining that to profs and others who just want to "do"?

But, as is always the case, God is really nice to me. After crying in the ladies' bathroom after class, feeling like I was about 6 years old, I wandered outside and ran into a guy I knew from cross-country...he is no longer a student, really, but is sometimes around campus, and is the only guy who offers safe hugs in my mind... After biking past me without me noticing him, he turned his bike around and came to ask me how class had gone, tell me goodnight, and offer me a hug.
Then, after walking around for awhile to ensure that my eyes were not really shockingly red any longer, I headed into the common area for studying and found another guy that I've been studying with who said, "It's like a sense...I thought you were coming..."

Provisions...people...a place here...a sense that even though I'm 23 and just don't have it all together, it really will be ok. :)

So we made it through another day...by the grace of God...which, I suppose, is the way to go. :)

Days of joy, nights of grieving...and all-around healing

So, I knew that it was going to be a tough day last night at 3am when I looked at my schedule and realized that I literally had 10+ hours of straight class today...but actually, it wasn't the lack of sleep that was the problem at all...

First of all, things have been so lovely that I totally blame God for my lack of sleep...yesterday I felt as though I was bouncing for joy all day. God gave me good time in the morning and afternoon with P. and my brother, then an amazing time of Bible study and prayer for one of my group assignments (I love assignments that are Bible study and prayer...hehe:)), then several hours of studying just the way I like it--sitting across from other studious people, and a random chat with Japan people. :) Just the whole thing, and particularly having the Bible study, made me want to just bounce up and down on my toes and say "yay!!" Which I did. Several times. :) And it's hard for me to sleep while bouncing and saying yay.

I woke up today still bouncing, actually, and made it almost all the way through the day perfectly fine...until I got to choir. This was my first main time of being a part of choir since Japan, and for some reason, it just was really hard for me. Part of it was because I've forgotten correct English pronunciation and singing techniques, so I felt ridiculously stupid and juvenile...but also I just felt awful because...there is a huge chunk of me that I simply can't share with people in this country. And that part is the music that there was in Japan. I can't explain or lead people into worship songs in Japanese here...I can't explain how the band's songs are filled with encouragement...I can't say a phrase and get that an understanding smile from anyone. (ok, except maybe P.)...

So, from that time on, it just started to be a grieving night. After choir, I went to my last class that was supposed to be 4 hours long, and it totally shook my entire views on English teaching in general and a teacher's role in particular... What am I aiming for when I teach English? Am I truly looking to uphold someone else's culture, or am I just spreading American ideas? How does a person teach so as to validate culture, teach English, and point to Christ at the same time? So many of the questions about teaching ESOL here are so different from teaching overseas...there are so many more questions of morals and values and ethics that I haven't thought of before...

After class I studied a little, then headed for chapel, but only made it about halfway through chapel before the "I really miss Eric!" thought was simply too much to bear (I've been thinking that at least 5 times a day!)...added to the rest of my grieving through the evening...so I decided to escape and listen to the worship music on my ipod instead.

There's a line from 10th Avenue North's song entitled "Times" that says "I'm so tired of defending what I've become...what have I become?"...

It seems to put words to half of my struggles of grieving and living...I don't know what I've become. I don't know what's good or right. So everything is done with questions, and with thoughts of the past and the future...checking and rechecking to make sure that what I'm doing is correct, but not knowing what the labels "good" and "bad" mean in this culture or society or in my own heart at the moment.

Thankfully, God doesn't leave us there...He never leaves us where we fall, ne? I love the next words:

"You say, 'My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside; it's inbetween.'"

Forty minutes under the stars listening to truth helps with the healing...and with the moving forward. In what direction, I don't know...but it's good. :)

First "full" day of another new life...

For some reason, I've been in high "ministry mode" ever since God kicked me into gear last Sunday, and so it's been a week of craziness--not with classes really, but with seeing opportunities for ministry and opportunities to be intentional. Let's just say that even though today was really my first "real" day of regular schedules and classes, I could have possibly set up around 20 hours of work for myself every week in jobs, initiated the beginnings of a campus outreach/prayer group, already have ideas of how to change campus ministry a little, sat at tables and bugged multiple freshman into talking, and have already discovered how to be involved in ministry off-campus...

Oy.

I feel a little like the energizer bunny, knowing that at some point, the crash will come. :)

But it's all good stuff...for example, between my classes and job interviews today I ended up meeting a former missionary and fellow student who just happened to be in town for a two-hour lunch and discussion of cultural stories, the church, etc. I went for a run and tried to connect with some of the athletes or people who live in that section of campus... :) Then did some homework and went to dinner at six, fully intending to be back in my room by 6:45pm to do more homework...yeah. I finally got back around 8:30 after an amazingly wonderful discussion with a guy who likes philosophy and missions (yay!!). Since all of my discussions at the band in Japan and with my other students, I have felt like I need a background in philosophy, and the discussion tonight was more informative than all of the thinking/trying to be philosophical than I have ever done by myself...and I felt...not old. :) Which I feel a lot here. :) Anyway, so I was encouraged.

Then, since I had had that entire discussion in sweaty running clothes, I came back to my room, hopped in the shower, and ran out of my room to the chapel, where there was a gathering tonight...and proceeded to have another long discussion with another guy. Whereas all my earlier discussions during the day were theoretical or had some job-related aspect to them, this discussion was completely relational...and totally shut me down.

I've been really surprised at what has shut me down and what hasn't...tonight the questions were very simple, like "what do you like to do for fun?" I just froze, unable to come up with an answer...finally getting out a half-hearted "I like running...and music." The rest of the discussion was kind of like that...me dodging and fighting myself to remain in the conversation at all, and him trying to be friendly. Finally I just said, "I'm not looking for any interpersonal relationships at this time." How strange is that? I can be completely intentional about who I talk to all day, reach out to strangers, etc. etc....but I can't have any interpersonal relationships???...outside of ministry, that is.

Sigh. Have I always been like this? Is this just Japan? Is this me running away from friendships that are good and trying to supplant them with work, or am I simply living as "nomadically" as God has apparently called me to live...?

ups and downs and a kick in the pants :)

The last few days have been some of the most intense ups-and-downs since I left Japan...re-living feelings like, "I want to go hide in a cave for the rest of my life!" and then suddenly switching over to "I'm so lonely!"...my heart aching as I've been packing for college, with my mind realizing that I was going to be heading up to CSP and the rest of me not quite grasping the fact that I wasn't packing to head back to Japan. Seeing old friends and dear sisters at K. and J.'s wedding and traveling across country with Cindy somehow seriously switched my life-view to Japan rather than America...it was like suddenly I was caught in this cycle of grasping for everyone, knowing that the grasping was wrong, and pushing everyone away, and knowing that pushing everyone away was wrong...oy!

Anyway, I moved in last night up here at school, and besides random computer issues, things are fine...God-given time, to say the least. I was planning on joining up with P today and heading to a Japanese church, but after an hour of trying to figure out google map routes and metro transit trips and books for classes that I needed to know by noon today...I finally found myself sighing in frustration and saying, "God, why won't these schedules work out?!!?" The answer I got was very unlike the way I normally hear God--but it was such a loud "BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING! I've given you a whole campus with a church service here and people to connect with..." that I was left sighing and saying, "Ok, ok, I got it!" :)

So, because I wasn't going to be wandering around the cities, I got up for some time with my coffee, the blessings book, and a Bible before the 10am service...and it was good. A few days ago, when I finally gave in to the inner turmoil and posted a complaint about the transience of life on facebook, Linds responded with the rhetorical question, "For Christians, what's not eternal?"...and the first blessing that I opened up with today was a blessing for a legacy that goes on after our deaths...I've been mulling over Linds' words in my head, and the blessing also was such a good reminder that I'm not here for the moment, but am part of a bigger story that God is writing. Logically, I know that if Paul would have stayed in Athens, he would have missed seeing God's blessings in other places as he traveled...and even though there is still pain at separation and loss in some respects, I was very reminded of the fact that Japan is but a small piece of a huge "book of Acts"...

Time with God also helped open my eyes to a few other things as well. God needs to use me here. I've just had almost three years of living in intense Christian community...something that these young adults haven't necessarily experienced...there have been battles with spiritual darkness...that maybe those around me now have tried to explain away or simply ignore. Don't get me wrong--there is much in this community that can be feeding for me also...but "getting through the year" and avoiding relationships that will once again be torn and cause pain in the end because of the transient nature of life that God's called me to (apparently) is an approach that neither brings growth or praise...

So, back to the books. Back to The Book...back to prayers like, "God, please orchestrate my day and my relationships and my times of rest and times of work...just orchestrate it all..."

Sigh. I still miss...still...

But it's good.

"All replete with very me"...

One of my favorite authors has always been Madeline L'Engle...her books delight my post-modern, dreamy, literary soul and challenge my thoughts on science, religion, and the world in general. She contains quotes as wise and old as the one above--I'm "all replete with very me"--and also simple statements of things that I find my heart questioning no matter how matter how old I am and how much I feel that I've grown. Having just returned from a few weeks of travel with the family, during which time we drove through 9 states, I've had the chance to read several of her books lately. :)

It was funny, but the books I read and the thoughts and questions and experiences we all had traveling in some ways mirrored each other. We visited Los Alamos, NM, to see my sister and her family. It is, in my impression, one of the most ghastly, intelligent, guilt-laden cities I have ever visited. The nuclear bomb was invented in the city, and other inventions still go on...to this day, parts of the city are bordered by security stations, and the general feel in the city is one of a hidden population of some of the most brilliant minds America knows. The whole thing reminds me, in some respects, of the Tower of Babel. Amazing intelligence working together creates...any guesses, Ladies and Gentlemen? No, not health. No, not world peace. No, not a superior culture or nation. No, it doesn't eliminate poverty or hunger or abuse or slavery or crime...

It creates death. The ability to, in a second, snuff life out of the person living next to you, or in the next state, or in the next country, or on the other side of the world.

And even though I KNOW that many people say sending the nuclear bomb to Japan was actually good, because it prevented more people from being killed in long, drawn-out fighting, seeing the cold clear truth that the wisdom of the world and brilliant minds teach us how to kill and take and x out others is simply ghastly.

And it leads me back to L'Engle, and the "all replete with very me" that I often feel inside myself... There is so much that is ugly and wrong and sinful inside. To often, clutching onto my idea of self, I fight to survive (and so often that survival is by killing others around me...).

On the flip side, however, there are other L'Engle quotes: "He makes me feel the most real," and "When are you the most you?"

Simple language, simple questions, but for a person who is in the business of finding meaning in life and death, words that echo deep questions hidden inside. What does it mean to feel real? How do you become "real"? And, maybe the most important for me, when I know that I am "all replete with very me," is it ok to try to be real?

Maybe they are all questions that should have been dealt with in the teenage years of life formation and searching...all I know is that since Japan, there are many things that should have touched me, moved me to tears, and they don't. Churches cause me to put up 6 layers of protective armor that enables me to hide emotion. But these books...move me to tears and fill me with such a longing that I know I am missing something, searching for something, grieving something. Maybe that is strange to say. I don't know.

Connecting with random people on the trip? Really good. Reconnecting with family and old relationships? I'm still clueless. Learning about healing and spending time with a church in Texas? Was often forced, but still a good learning experience for me to go through. Hanging out with my family as we traveled? Much fun. But mostly...there was a longing to be known, a longing to be real to someone...even as the evils and ghastliness of humanity was brought to light, there was a need to see and feel...love.

In her books L'Engle often states that to be real, a person must lose himself or herself. I don't know exactly what theology it is, or what she is thinking...but maybe it is that that I am looking for.

July's prayer

God, let me not reject your gifts,

Hold my heart from your good way,

And when the sacrifice is your will,

Those gifts, before you, help me lay.

In between worlds

Orange, sizzling across the sky

Fire sinks into cool blue water

Soft pink hues marking the trail

Of the sun as it slips into the sea.

Brilliance of color, breathtaking light

Dazzling radiance fills the view

Yet shift just a moment, turn but a little

A new landscape appears.

Greys shifting to blues, to shadows above,

Tiny pin-pricks of light, a cresent-shaped glow

Calm, and mystery marked by the darkness

A quiet night comes on tip-toe

I stand alone, with a foot in each land,

My face to the grey, brilliant colors to my back

An infinite moment of time and space

Two worlds colliding around me.

Some are of the darkness, some of the light

But neither of these lands are mine to dwell

Yet maybe only the traveler is blessed to see

And walk in the beauty that's inbetween.

Michibiki over Mocha

It's been a week of the normal weirdness of family and church life...one evening I joined my mother at about 10pm to visit a family whose wife/mother had just passed away...the next day was singing at a funeral...and the next day singing at a wedding. Now we're getting ready for a party to which two churches and others in the community have been invited, so I've made five pans of bars in the last 36 hours and we've all done as much yardwork as can be fit in during daylight hours. (Thankfully, none of us are freaking out much yet. It's only Wednesday, and the party's Sunday...)

Oh for the life of a church worker, ne. :)

The week has been a strange mixture of grief and joy, with the wedding and the funeral. Loneliness and a lot of people. New spiritual life and new physical life, as one left to join her Maker in heaven and two others left their individual lives to become one.

Last Saturday, God gave me my first white chocolate mocha since Japan and also my first real "quiet time" that felt halfways "normal"...it was something that felt so good I was flying high for most of the rest of the day...and not just from two shots of espresso. :) Anyway, during the time I found myself devouring Psalms, realizing that while I read Psalms almost everyday in Japan, I haven't really looked at them at all since coming back to America. I read quickly, hungrily, until my eyes caught this verse:

"Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell."
(Psalm 43:3)

I've been searching for the correct words to pray for guidance for the future...and here they are! I love how the Psalmist's end place is God's dwelling...not just heaven, but His presence, His place of worship and praise. This is where I want to go...not necessarily Japan or America, married or unmarried, with family or far away, in a church or outside of a church. I don't like having so many choices that seem like boundaries. :) But God's light and truth directing my steps into His presence and praise...that is what I seek.

How that translates into funerals, weddings, cleaning rocks in the yard, baking bars, and taking care of screaming children...I don't really know. What that means for past and future relationships...I have no idea. But as Moses was told, "This will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain"...as Moses was given a sign for the future, after he had acted in obedience...I'm also trying to hope steadfastly in and pray diligently for a mountain...God's mountain. His presence and dwelling place in my life more and more.

Sigh. These words sound so beautiful and good compared to my life. :) But hopefully it's an encouragement to others as it has been to me...

A Milestone

A good new/old worship song that I have heard...the first Christian song that has felt like worship since coming back...so celebrating the milestone. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te0hy2YcLgg

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up, Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
her melody over me
and God, right here all I bring
is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up, Your love is all that draws me in

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
the Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
so hold me now

- sung by Bebo Norman

Lessons from the kids

Because of my work with the daycare and my church's VBS program this week, I feel like my life is filled with kids. I've worked the last couple of mornings, so I wake up and bike to church to take care of children, and then VBS is at night, so three hours after I get home I find myself heading back to church again for the evening round of kids.

I'm not bad with kids. Really...even my VBS kids who have only known me a week still always turn to us teachers at the end of the evening and point to me and say, "I want to sit next to you!" The other teachers, mostly moms, chuckle at my popularity, but I sigh with my smile because I have always been the popular one and never been the actual safe, disciplinary teacher who commands respect and obedience.

This summer, however, I think God is rubbing the idea of obedience in my face. One of the reasons I decided to work with kids for the summer is because I knew that I wanted to be a better person than I was in Japan...that sounds silly. Not better, but older. More mature. More able to be responsible for others and to lead. I want to have a clearer definition of what is right and wrong and be able to communicate that without always just going with the flow of what feels right. Call it exercising a different part of my personality...anyway, this is what I've been wanting to learn.

I guess God has honored that desire to learn, because where better to learn about boundaries, respect, and obedience than with kids?! The first lesson I have learned is that boundaries are set before the problem occurs--not after someone gets hit in the eye with a stick or hit in the head with a ball. I don't tell the kids to walk nicely after someone gets a sprained ankle...I tell them beforehand, so they won't sprain their ankles. Or at least, I try. :)

But what caught me today was it really is all about listening. Obedience starts with listening. If the kids don't hear about the boundaries or rules being set, they don't know to follow them, and the injuries still happen.

It all makes me think about deeper things...like God and me, and how little I like obedience, and how little I even try to hear God's voice...Not that I have to sit and listen hard, because I know God has made me differently from that...but we all have our forms of listening and learning and aiming to be obedient.

Sigh. It's still coming out confusedly. Ok, so I'm learning about boundaries, but not about communication so much. :)

On a completely different note, tomorrow a person from my Japanese life is coming to visit my American life. I'd be lying if I wasn't nervous...The lessons make me feel like a different person...much harder...I say, "No! Don't do that!" an awful lot more now than I ever did in Japan...

Random analyzing

So, the last few weeks have held new opportunities in old situations, old opportunities in new situations, and the meeting of new and old friends, relatives, and others...I don't even know if that makes sense, but I'm not able to go into it all more specifically yet. It has been a busy several weeks!

My grandparents ended up staying with us for a week and left yesterday morning, and I have spent practically all of the time since they've left either lying in a stuffed armchair, on the couch, or on the floor. :( Blah for fevers and stuffed noses and sore throats and the like! However, it feels strangely good to just...rest. Everyone has always said to me, "Oh, it's good that you can come home and rest now." But rest has always seemed elusive to me...until yesterday, when not having the strength to do to much of anything and having a headache that kept me from thinking of much of anything was actually very restful. :)

It seems more and more lately that I find myself drifting off of topics in the present to topics in the future...wondering where God is calling me to be, what He's calling me to be doing... I'll be having a perfectly normal conversation when suddenly I'll start self-analyzing, wondering if I'm saying what I'm saying because I'm motivated by this or that...

Anyway, some of this self-analyzing has happened, like normal for me, through someone else's storyline...

So, since coming home, my brother has introduced me to the tv series "Chuck," and often we'll watch an episode at night before going to bed, or something like that. When we were younger, we used to watch episodes of Kim Possible when we got home from work together at midnight, and now it seems like we've slipped back into the same pattern. Anyway, Chuck is wonderful, because the main character is an average computer-nerd guy working with average working-class people who somehow ends up with a bunch of government secrets downloaded into his brain. Once the government learns about him, he has two government agents--a lady and man, Sarah and Casey--who come to watch over him, keep him safe, and use the information he has to help them foil criminals, people taking over the government, etc. Chuck actually really reminds me of my brother, because he's nice and funny and not one to take so much initiative on his own. However, that care and compassion is what gives him the ability to be a hero and save people's lives when he is called upon to do so.

The parallels that I see for me have more to do with Sarah, the lady agent sent to protect Chuck. Sarah is an agent through and through, and on the tv series she gets to beat up almost everyone (that definitely doesn't parallel my life!), but she also has a high streak of loyalty and mercy in her. She does her job because she's good at it, and it's what she's been trained to do, but her dealings with Chuck make her question if there is more to life than her job and ask herself what she really wants out of life. Because she is Chuck's protector, she can't allow herself to get romantically entangled with him, but through the story she finds staying separate from him more and more difficult...in the final episode (from last season), she opens her mouth finally to tell Chuck that she wants to be with him, but she gets cut off by a man telling her there is a problem with the operation, and without a second thought she runs out the door, leaving Chuck behind. The story doesn't end there, obviously, but I was struck by how through the whole storyline, she has struggled with making a decision between a "normal life" and life with a mission...and in the end, it's not even her decision. She just leaves...

I feel like I'm just speaking in parables here almost. :) There is so much that I want to write more plainly than this, but it all seems to be tumbling around deep inside me...so much so that I can't get out words yet, and only stealing someone else's storyline enables me to have some words. :)

"And being mindful of the time..."

During my first year of university, I distinctly remember visiting a church where the pastor was speaking about a text from Romans...something about being mindful of the present time...anyway, the pastor was talking about the sense of urgency that we should feel when we reflect upon the time that God has given us to speak to people about His love and draw near to Him. People often talk about faith, love, hope, joy...even obedience, and discipline, but I was struck by the pastor's talk about urgency, and the fact that I so often think of this world as being all there is...forgetting that man's life "is but a breath" and that it's eternity that stretches on forever...

Anyway, this is not meant to be an exposition about a sermon that's several years old. :)

Pamela came to visit me last Friday, and it was wonderful to see her again...wonderful for many different reasons. One of those reasons was simply because it was good to not feel like the only crazy person around... :) Anyway, Pamela and I hung out for awhile with my older adopted grandmother, who was in the beginning not very happy with my decision to go to Japan. I haven't really undertaken any deep faith discussions with her, but have reflected often upon the fact that even though she doesn't get the world view of sending the gospel to the nations (my opinion, obviously...I can't see her heart!), she has a simple sort of faith that I really love. Since coming back to Japan, I have made small comments about Japan, but she has not seemed interested at all in hearing about the country or my time there...and seemed to hold the opinion of, "Well, you've done your dirty work for the Lord...now you're back where you belong."

Until yesterday, when she started asking Pamela a few questions about Japan. Pamela and I shared in the answering of the questions, and somehow we ended up quite naturally on the topic of religion. My adopted grandmother was kind of perplexed a little bit at our discussion of Buddhism and Shintoism and the like, and finally asked me very bluntly, "Do you think that all those Japanese people are going to hell?" I stopped with my mouth open, not wanting to answer her, but finally managed a rather weak, "Well, they don't believe in Jesus."

The next several minutes held one of the most beautiful pictures of "being mindful of the time" that I have ever seen...my grandmother's face changed from perplexity to pain as she said, "But you can't tell many people in such a short time! What about the ones who don't know about Jesus? What do they do?"

It was as if she finally caught the idea that there are people dying without salvation...people who need it. And, being a woman of faith and relationship with God, she responded with urgency and love...

Pamela and I assured her that we weren't the only missionaries in Japan :)...and that God had plenty of Japanese Christians working for Him too...and that God's heart is for the salvation of Japan...

It was so beautiful to see the realization come across her face...a good reminder that God is raising up pray-ers from all generations and peoples...and a reminder to me that yes, even though I am back in America right now, there is an urgency and a pain that comes from opening our eyes to the spiritual chains surrounding so many...an urgency that should not just be pushed away or shelved for missionary work, and is not just for a specific people group...an urgency to pray that God would move mightily, and touch people's eyes and ears and hearts so they can experience His salvation...

men...

Maybe it was because of Ryoko-san's comment, "Now you can get married, and come back here to visit." Maybe it was because of people saying things like, "You'll go back to school, get married, and start to forget about Japan..." Maybe it was because I knew I was moving from an almost 100% female program to a home and friendships with a lot of guys... Maybe it was simply because I knew my own personality and my weaknesses...

Either way, I came back from Japan saying firmly, "No men!" And I meant it...still mean it.

But, in spite of my best intentions, today I became aware of the fact that not just one, but three guys have somehow entwined their fingers around my heartstrings...sigh.

No, it's not as bad as you think. The guys are three brothers--two twins in kindergarten, and their brother, who's older by a couple years. Because of my after-school daycare job, I've gotten to know the boys, and we play things like mikan wars (without mikans), Junkan, and other things that I learned in Japan. We also play imaginary Star Wars fights and Shrek 2 games. :) They are always eager to learn and will come running up asking me loudly, "What is this in Japanese? Do you play this game in Japan? Will you teach me my name in Japanese again? Saisho what??" :) Or, if they are playing "the Shrek game" they'll come running up to me, tug my hand and say loudly, "Haidee, I need you!!! Can you read this card for me?" Even while I'm telling them they need to ask politely and be quieter, my heart feels healed simply from their confident trust and their need. If we are playing a game and they are sitting next to me, they sometimes just nestle into my lap, waiting for their turn to be played, and the older boy will just come up next to me and give me a half-hug while he's lining up or inbetween running around.

Somehow, being with them has been a place where I can feel "fully me"...a place that affirms my past and my memories, but also affirms the present. Most days, before I go to work and after I go to work there are always things that trigger memories or bring some sadness, but while I'm at work, playing with the boys and trying to keep them from killing each other, I'm...content and happy.

Today, however, was my last day that I'll see them for a few weeks, until our regular summer daycare program starts up, and when the oldest brother was saying goodbye and said, "See you Monday, Haidee," and I had to explain to him that I wouldn't be there...seeing his face, hearing his, "That's sad. You're fun."...and then watching him shrug a little and get into the car... I stood there with my heart simply aching, remembering my Friday night boys in Japan that I love so dearly, remembering trying to choke back tears as I gave them their last pieces of candy (from me) as they walked out the door. And suddenly I realized that I've "adopted" these three boys into my heart just as I did for those students...as much as I came back into America with walls up around my heart, I've already been blessed with people that I can love.

Painful love though, because now I know what it means to say goodbye. Even the 6 times that I've watched these boys over the last 3 weeks has made me feel like they are part of my family, and today was just a very good reminder that no matter what feelings are present, in the end, they'll go home to their real Mom and Dad, and I'll go...on. Even after a whole summer of feeling like family, I'll go...to another place, another life...wherever God is leading. Ouch.

How to put into words the mixture of thankfulness, pain, and love I feel right now? It's life. Today was full of reminders of where we get our stability and real relationship from...from the One who never-changes, and who's always there...

Practicing rest and accepting grace...

I hear You say,"My love is over. It's underneath. It's inside. It's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.

I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."
- from "Times", by Tenth Avenue North

Stumblings in a search for rest

So, today as I was biking back from my new part-time job the thought hit me: I haven't just sat down and written for myself in awhile. I say the thought hit me because honestly, it was as if I had forgotten that such self-processing methods even existed...I have been engaged in a lot of emails, a lot of communication, phone calls, even skypes, etc. But time of just "going to Gusto" or Saizeria or Royal Host, sitting with a drink bar and my computer or a notebook...just hasn't happened since coming back to the states.

People seem to have a pretty common opinion regarding my schedule these days:
"Oh, you must have a lot of free time now that you're back from Japan."

But I usually respond to that comment by saying something like, "I have no idea what it means to be busy anymore. I can't really judge my schedule very well these days."

And probably no one has a clue what I'm talking about. Oh, well. How can I possibly explain to people that I feel busy all the time, but feel completely meaningless while I'm doing things? Even when I'm trying to relax, I feel as though I should be--there's the dreaded "shoulds"--getting things done, whether it's studying Japanese or helping out my family...I hate shoulds. Whoever invented the work ethic anyway? And why is it that while so many people come back from Japan and can't find jobs and such, I feel as though I've come back with just as much if not more communication "jobs" to do, a family to reconnect with, and a part-time job?

Ok, in the midst of this ranting, I have to confess that my family really has been chill with me, and I know that they don't expect things of me...it's more my expectations for myself. And my part-time job is seriously...part-time. Not a big deal. But I still feel the heart racings like I would feel during a really busy time in Japan, and I still find myself repeating this self-talk monologue: "Ok...hyperventilating...now...just...slow...down...Haidee..."

What makes rest so difficult? Is it the pedestals that other people put me on? The pedestal I try to stand on myself? Am I running from the ache that continually threatens to catch up with me from what I've left behind, or am I simply experiencing the "foreigner's" stress that comes from being in a "new" place? Is it because suddenly I am void of dreams, void of purpose...trying to catch some sense of meaning in the daily life that I seem to screw up so often here? Is it trying to balance too many relationships? Why does God give me all these open doors that feel sometimes like they are cages rather than openings?

Darn it. Now I remember why I wiped the thought of typing on here out of my mind before...my eyes are getting suspiciously moist.

Some people think that rest is a learned thing that people grab onto, and they say that if I don't learn how to rest now, my entire life will forever be screwed up (what a joyous outlook)...maybe this is the learning process...

Spitting Success

So, I have this class of crazy boys--two classes, actually--and they are always doing strange things. This one class in particular I feel is "my baby," because many of these boys were so awful when I started teaching them last year that I would not only remove any small distractions, but I would remove every removeable piece of furniture from the classroom before class started! At one point in time, I would simply pray before each class that no one would kill each other or themselves by trying to climb out of a window, running out of class and heading directly for the big paper cutter, or indirectly choking a fellow classmate with the string for the window blind.

Anyhow, at that point, with my great dog-training background, I started simply playing games and using "treats" with them, slowly teaching them to listen and obey directions enough to do things like play games and have a somewhat normal class period. And lo and behold--they are now my favorite class. Genki, crazy, and somewhat dangerous still (my most common line is still probably, "Kota! Sit down!"), they definitely take energy. But they are all excited to learn and smart, and while the 4th graders next door barely speak above a whisper, my boys are yelling at the top of their lungs "The student...is...at school." Hehe. They're really cute.

Anyway, this year one older boy joined the class, and I've been a little worried about the differences in maturity levels...but for the most part, the younger ones allow him to join in the yelling and learn something (even though he's a "cool" 4th grader!), and he tells them to stop being dork from time to time, which is good for my young ones too. :)

This last week, we were finishing the class by playing a random game--they were in teams, making words off of letters that I had given them, because we've been working hard on phonics stuff. Anyway, they were racing like crazy, trying to come up with words that start with "V," etc., and many time I had to ask them to repeat what word they had said. There was a short lull in the action when my older boy held up a Q and said something like, "Queen!"...which was great! The only problem was that he'd been trying so hard to have good pronunciation that he'd spit all over me in saying the word! He looked at me, having just spit on the teacher, embarassment written all over his face...and the rest of us burst into gales of laughter. He kind of looked around, then decided to join in, and the class then ended with most of us still chuckling over the experience.

I mean, really...how can you not laugh and enjoy teaching when students are trying that hard?! Even if it does involve some spitting... :)

More bouncing...tired bouncing, but bouncing

So, today has been a wild day in the midst of a crazy week, but I just have to pause for a moment to report on some of God's craziness.

So, I'm trying to write this final report for my internship, and so I've spent the day running back and forth from the church to my house, typing in a quiet place where I can think. Anyway, when I was going to head back for evening worship tonight, I decided to just throw on my pj's, cuz it's always just a small group of us girls and sensei, and we're all pretty chill. Little did I expect two 20 year old guys who were absolute strangers to join us for worship! And not only normal strange guys, but musicians that kept us all in the room until 11pm, singing songs, etc.

So now, I'm embarassed about my guitar playing and wearing pajamas. Oy. And when I'm nervous, I can't speak a word in any language, so by the end of the night, when they left, I just put Cindy's blanket over my head for awhile to express how pitiful I am at communicating, and the like....grrrrrrr. I used to be able to speak. Maybe not. At least I think I was able to speak at some point in my life.

Anyway, the cool thing is that God does cool things. :) So Grace said that after I left the room to get music books, the boys were talking about my pajama pants, saying they wished they would have worn their sweatpants too! And our very bad playing of guitar at least encouraged them to play guitar with no fear...

One of the boys prayed for God's light, and we all smiled at his request... Maybe they'll never come back...but it's cool to see God draw people to places of light. We don't even have to go look...He just keeps drawing people to Himself. He really does have a heart for people, ne? :)

*Bounce, bounce*

My brother came to visit from Tokyo today! Ok, so, not my real brother by blood or anything, but my Japanese brother. When we adopted each other as family I really don't quite remember, but every since the official adoption, we've hung out, fought, cried, laughed, worked, and played enough music together to have a very good brotherly-sisterly relationship.

Then, a few months ago, God moved him to Tokyo. Blah! :( However, there were multiple good reasons for that... Anyway, we don't see each other much anymore at all, but we do still keep in touch randomly, and whenever I'm in Tokyo I see him, and today he came up to Niigata for the first time to visit here again and pick up some stuff at home. If I'm his younger sister, then Cindy makes for some kind of older sister, and Nomura-sensei is definitely a father figure. Tonight we all met up at the church, and Grace joined us, and we all did our random family hanging out. Atsush explained his new manga to me in English (he's a manga artist), and then we had over two hours of worship song singing...beautiful times of music in God's presence, with all of us crowded around the piano. Sensei, who had a cold and a fever today, still stayed up and sat singing with all of us--even taking over the drums at the end! Cindy, who was supposed to be writing her site report :), just sat and encouraged us all to bask in the music and God's presence. Grace and I rotated on piano, and Atsush and I rotated on guitar. Oy...I so much want to capture some of these moments and their feelings...but I guess that is why music is music, ne? It's just not the same as a typed-up report.

On another random note, because Sensei was sick, he didn't come to prayer meeting today, but Grace did. It was so incredibly wonderful to see how relaxed she was, and how relaxed the church members were with her! For a moment it felt like the poor church members had suddenly adopted 4 new teenagers--me, Lindsey, Cindy, Grace, and Kim, who was visiting! When we all took over their piano and their bathroom, they looked a little frightened...but praise God for random, door-openings and new opportunities with relationships and prayer!

Ok, enough mental bouncing for joy here. Time for bed. :)

I can't possibly put a title on this...

So much has happened in the last 36 hours that I can't quite synthesize it all or speak about it intelligibly yet...but I want to get something down in order to remember it later.

This last Saturday being Valentine's Day and all, we've had a busy week preparing for the big Vday party, etc. Every day in class there was poetry and discussions about love. Then last night, more than 30 people crowded into the sanctuary for dancing (kudos to Cindy), food (kudos to Lindsey), and chatting. It was really a good evening, and Sensei finished the evening off with a story, giving an example of God's love that is for us, even when we fail or screw up. In this country where perfection is so important and the loss of face is so big that people would rather jump in front of trains than deal with shame, it's a pretty powerful message to hear that God's love is for us, even in our imperfection.

Then skip ahead to this morning. We all had had not so much sleep--Sensei said he got about 3 hours, but that was all, but the church was bustling and full of people. One girl brought her mom for the first time, another new lady was there again, people were wandering in trying to find places to sit...it was just a Sunday that felt alive.

I was in tears for most of the service, as were many others--including Sensei. It all started with the children's message, when Sensei was explaining simply to the kids that our hearts are sick. Even if we don't do bad things (we think), inside our thoughts and feelings are so evil most of the time. We had studied the text for this Sunday during Thursday night Bible study and Friday night worship/prayer time, so I at least had heard some of the Japanese vocab enough to follow along, and hearing Jesus saying, "It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" and having it all tied into the theme of love and forgiveness was so incredibly beautiful. At one point during the sermon Sensei leaned forward and said, "There are people who say that at the point of death, they'll choose to believe God. I have something I'd like to tell those people. Eternal life with God doesn't start at death. It starts now. And I wouldn't give up one second or one minute of being blessed with God's love and forgiveness like my life is right now."

Something in my heart went, "Oh, yeah. That's what Christianity is again." I've been trying to figure out my purpose for being here, trying to figure out why I have to be a church worker, trying to figure out how to be a good person, trying to figure out what my failings have been since I've come here, so I can ask for forgiveness and learn from them...but that's not what's important. For some reason, it's so easy to forget that I came here to fail in myself and to show God's grace and love...that I came here simply to be a witness of the forgiveness that God gives an imperfect existence. Somehow, at the end of my experience here, I want to add it all up like a logical, wordly person, put everything on a scale, and say, "Was this worth it?" But when has the kingdom of God ever been about the final measurement of success? It's not about ending life and saying, "Ok, I've had the title of Christian my whole life and gone to church most Sundays..." It's about being able to stand up and say with tears of joy and love (and probably tiredness too :)) "I wouldn't give up one second or one minute of being blessed with God's love and forgiveness like I am right now."

I think one of the reasons (there really were many reasons for many people) why we were all crying is because we all forget what real love looks like. We keep trying to be worthy of love, or we forget that it's even available for us, or we forget that we're in need of it. We forget the fact that our very hearts are sick, and we keep trying to "Ganbatte" it and go through life uncured.

This morning, though, it was like the deepest part of me understood, finally, that I am forgiven. What happened in Shirone doesn't matter. What happened through all of my bumblings and mix-ups while I've been here doesn't matter...and those things are not held against me anymore. God knows my heart's sick...this side of eternity, it always will be...that's why He's done something about it. He's stated clearly, I've come to call sinners. I love sinners. I forgive you.

We cried through the children's message, the sermon, the prayers, and communion. Sensei just kept blowing his nose and going with the next words that he had, the lady next to me kept dabbing at her eyes, and I could hear the people behind me sniffling for half of the service. The lady who said the prayers got choked up, Ryoko-san dashed out to cry in private, and Cindy and I kept glancing at each other with raised eyebrows, saying without words, "Look what God is doing here!" The Church. I don't like churches in general and trust very few of them, and maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings on everyone else who was in the building this morning :), but coming before God's throne, knowing our sinfulness and receiving love and forgiveness together was one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced.

After the service I went for a run, listening to some of the Third Day Revelation songs (Cindy's sister sent the CD to her, and it's been passed down to me, Lindsey, my guitarist, and more I think...we're all thankful for it! If you haven't gotten it yet, get it. Really.:)). One of the songs is sung from God's (assumed)perspective, and it has a part that goes:

"Call my name, say it loud, I want you to never doubt.
The love I have for you is so alive."

Not something in a book. Not something hanging over my head as a chain to make me follow the Christian rules now. Not something that will be in the future, after I die. Nothing stale, or inconsequential, or traditional, or binding...ALIVE...love. Now, even in our imperfection and sin.

Just in case you've forgotten...

A few months ago, after Lindsey and I moved into our new house, I was standing at the street light on our corner and noticed a skeleton in front of the building across the street. It caught my eye mainly because of the randomness of a skeleton even being on a sidewalk, sitting as if that was where it belonged. A closer look revealed that the building must have previously been used as some kind of hospital/chiropracter's office/etc., but now the building was sitting empty and unused, and the skeleton was the one lonely hint of what had come before the vacancy.

Several weeks...a month...more than a month passed, and I continued to notice the skeleton in front of the building. Then one day, some remodlers came, and the inside of the building started taking on new colors. However, the skeleton remained. A few more weeks passed, and then one day I stood in front of the light deep in thought when I noticed--the skeleton was gone! A few days later, the remodler's scaffolding and canvas were pulled of the front of the new storefront to reveal a cute little wedding shop, with a new name--Grace.

I can't tell you how many times I've come out my front door, stood at the street light, and thought to myself, "How cool is God?! Every morning He reminds me of His grace. Even when I forget, He uses store fronts and signboards to remind me..."

As missionaries, we talk sometimes about how when God's light is brought into an area, the entire area changes. I don't remember ever specifically praying "against" that skeleton, or praying for God's grace to come into the area, but the "GRACE" that is portrayed on the signboard reminds me every day of the new life that comes when God's grace is given to us. Coincidence? I don't think so. Did it come from me? Not at all. Just a gift from a really good Savior...truly, His power, grace, light, and love change death and atmospheres of gloom and sadness to light, joy, and hope.

Every day I have to chuckle as I stand outside by that street light. It's as if God is saying, "In case you've forgotten what's important, let me give you a reminder...My grace." :)

Dreams, music, and new friends

“What’s your dream?” The young Japanese Christian girl asked me almost as soon as I sat down in the small prayer room at Nozomi church. We’d spent almost five hours together that day, playing guitar and piano, learning new songs, and practicing with my student who usually comes along to our twice-a-month nursing home visits. I was tired…tired of people, tired from all the new Japanese songs and kanji I’d tried to cram into my brain, and tired mostly from the daily talks and thoughts of the changes taking place at the church and my return to America. I kind of laughed at her question, because it was exactly what I didn’t want to answer at that moment. “I don’t have a dream,” was actually what I said. I didn’t want to tell her that the closest thing I had to a dream was crawling into a cave and hiding for a very long time.

“What’s your dream?” I turned the question back on her. She paused for a moment, then said, “I want to minister with music. I want to show Christians that God is way bigger than any boxes they try to put Him in…I want them to have more than a religion. I want to help them to have a relationship with God.”

My drooping eyelids flew open at her response—it was practically a direct quote of something I’d said to Cindy at lunch the day before. Who was this girl? Why had God brought her to this church right now?

A big part of my job here is leading various times of worship and prayer…and playing guitar at random prayer meetings, at the nursing homes, etc. Because of that, I’ve been searching for Japanese worship songs for many months now, frustrated with my lack of knowledge of the language…often I’ve reminded God that I struggle with simple sentences in Japanese, and asked why He’s given me a role where I have the opportunity to lead people in deep, spiritual situations in this language. I’m always struggling between staying silent, knowing how awful the language I speak really is, and between speaking, being convicted in the fact that spiritual things NEED to be said, no matter how badly they come across. All throughout these months, I’ve wondered why God has even put me in this position…there really wasn’t anyone coming after me to put in the role of “Japanese worship leader”…why would God give this church six months of poorly led music by a foreigner?

And now here was this girl, sitting across the room from me, music spread between us. When I asked her to lead some of the songs for worship that night, she readily agreed, and did it with ease, and with a spirit of joy, peace, humility…

So much for thinking that music was just my thing. :)
And so much for thinking that God's plan only lasted as far as I could see...

Since that time, we've led worship together multiple times...gone and visited a nursing home...written songs...and it's only been one week. Even while I'm in the process of stepping out of things, there are new doors of training and learning that God opens up. It's good to have a very visual reminder that He has this whole long-term plan thing worked out--for the church and for my life. And more music...

Loved and freed...

Today was one of those days when I just felt graciously loved. Some of that loving was seen through forgiveness given, some seen through an acceptance of who I am, and some seen by preaching :)...and it's all so good.

One of the things that makes working in a church difficult for me is because there is such a grey line between "failure" and "success." I remember discussing an upcoming event at the first church I was working at here, and just trembling through the entire meeting because of how...disappointed?...upset?...my boss and his wife was with me. They looked as though all I was for them was more work, and that my failure at being a good event coordinator was a burden for them. Trust me, there's nothing quite so uplifting as recognizing that you're hurting the people you've meant to help (please note the sarcasm!). :( Anyway, back to the present...We were supposed to have an English seminar today (now that it's past midnight, it would be at about 8am this morning!), but after our first pool of registrations came in, people started withdrawing registrations rather than adding them! So we started with a doable number of people registered, but by this afternoon we were down to only 1 person! I haven't lost too much time on the whole thing, because God's graciously stopped me from almost all the prepping that I could have done for it...) Anyway, I was definitely trembling inside going down to Sensei's office today to suggest that we should just cancel the seminar, afraid to see the "you've just wasted everyone's time!" look on his face. However, he simply took the one would-be attendee's number, called her, and in a matter of minutes the whole thing was done. I think he may have been relieved. :)

The thing Sensei and I usually work on together the most is worship. For the evening worship times, he sometimes gives a message...often, he just opens himself up fully to where we (hopefully the Holy Spirit, really! :)) are leading, and is not scared to show a need and hunger for God's presence. I love those times, when we're all gathered around in the "prayer room" worshipping, praying, talking, laughing...and he doesn't limit us to those times, but is always asking me to come with him to sing for someone, or bring my guitar somewhere to lead worship songs. I don't count evening worship, or really worship at all, as part of my job really...more like my hobby...but it is a very vital part of how I serve...and he is the one who allows it, rather than trying to make me fit into the normal mode.

Freedom is just plain a hard concept for me. I never assume you can trust someone--when they say they love you, it's usually just to get something, to take more from you...and people will use the, "It's your job!" excuse for as much as it's possibly worth normally...but here, working with these people, it's different.

Sigh...somedays, we're all ready to kill each other. :) Sensei goes into safe mode; Cindy goes into truth-telling, argumentative mode; Lindsey goes into people-busy mode; and I go into ahh-everyone-around-me-isn't-getting-along mode. :) But often, truly, I'm reminded of just how much I'm blessed by these people dearly, and love them dearly. Just wanted to document it. :)

Leadership vs. Manipulation

So, this is not meant to be a culture-bashing post...really... :) But picture my eyebrow up and my mouth kind of open in a "Huh?!?" as I write this...

Last Wednesday morning in the "Gifts class," we were discussing the "exhorter" personality type, and I came into class knowing that I needed to pre-define the word "manipulation" just to make sure we were all on the same page. We brainstormed different images of manipulation, and then just on the fly (or helpful inspiration from Above), I also put the word "leadership" up on the board and asked them to compare leadership and manipulation. It led to a facinating discussion, because almost everyone in the classroom stopped, thought, stared at each other, and then said, "Aren't they the same thing?"

Japanese culture is known for its indirectness, and I'm only now starting to get the hang of all the whisperings and clandestine meetings that happen in the background of big decisions that are made here. When my students suggested that manipulation and leadership were the same things, I had to agree--in this culture, the two often look the same.

The reason why I'm typing this right now is because I've just come from a class where we were discussing having loud neighbors, and it reminded me of manipulation. I was teaching English phrases useful for dealing with conflict or complaints, and the loud neighbors was just one example we were using to generate discussion...and what discussion! I finally asked them what they would do in Japan if they had loud neighbors. My students said that if their neighbors were loud once, then they wouldn't complain, and if the neighbors were loud often, the whole neighborhood would get together and talk about what to do about it!

Personally, knowing that the whole neighborhood is talking about my loudness is much much meaner (in my mind) than being approached by one neighbor and told to shut up...in my mind, having everyone talking counts as manipulation and malicious gossip. However, my students would probably be equally frightened and disturbed if their neighbors knocked on their door and said outright, "Be quiet!"

Putting politics, relationships, honor, leadership, etc., into a "manipulation is ok" category in my mind helps things make a lot more sense here...however, as I said before, it's still making me raise an eyebrow.

Glimpses of God

After my last computer rant, ending with "it's a good thing our God is one of resurrection"...I have to post an update saying that my computer is officially resurrected, anti-virused, and spy-swept now...yay! :)

Yesterday's resurrection was just one more glimpse in a week of random God-glimpses. Probably from looking at our "glimpse list," it wouldn't seem like we see God all that much...but I want to share it anyway. This will at least give great insight into how we think (or at least, Cindy seems to think this way naturally...for the rest of us, it might be a learned thing!)... :)

Ways God Has Taught Us This Week:
- Snow shoveling: After Cindy went out to shovel the church parking lot this week, God melted all the snow in the parking lot...except for the pile she'd made shoveling. A good reminder of what happens when we try to solve problems on our own, rather than let God handle them His way...
- Grasshopper legs: Did you know that apparently grasshopper legs hop around for a good 24 hours after they are disconnected from the grasshopper's body? Gross, right?! Anyway, it's a good illustration of how Christians may hop around for awhile--or look alive on the outside, but truly be disconnected to the Head (Jesus). A good reminder of how little life we have in and of ourselves...
- A computer's death: A system restore ended up being the answer to my computer problems...but even though I've moved time backwards somehow for my computer, I haven't actually fixed any of the little quirks, the slowness, and the random scary stupid things that it does that makes it seem like there are a thousand viruses in it that simply aren't showing up on my anti-virus runs... As I was running virus scans yesterday, I kept thinking about our sinful human nature, and how it is so much a part of us that just "turning back time" doesn't help. So many times we say, "If only I'd made the right decision!" or "If only I'd done it this way rather than that way...!" Let's face it: we don't need just a "system restore"...we need to be made completely new! Praise God that He's made a Way...

There are more lessons...I just don't remember them all! People here ask me if I feel God, and sometimes I think of these kinds of "lessons" and I chuckle...yes, I feel/hear/see God all the time, just maybe not at all like one might interact with a regular person...

Death of many forms...

I'm typing this while my computer's in safe mode, because yesterday the screen suddenly went blank on me. Hours of pondering, researching, wondering, and random frustrated yelling :) only seemed to make the poor thing worse, and now when I try to start it normally, it gives me the blue screen saying "There's a problem. Window's has been shut down." Which makes me chuckle, because the fact that there is a problem is pretty darn obvious... We say here that our computers are our lifelines, very literally, and now even though Cindy and Lindsey's computers are at hand and useable, every 30 minutes or so the red-flagged message pops into my brain: "My computer's dead! Ahhh!"

One such red-flagged message started me thinking today of when I was in 6th grade, and people would ask me what I wanted to do with my life... I would answer, "Well, see, I'm not really gonna have to worry about it so much, cuz I'm going to go work in Chicago trying to help people in street gangs and get shot by the time I'm 21 years old." Sigh. Part of this way of thinking, I realize, comes from the section under my personality type listed as "needs to figure out a correct way to deal with pain"...even though it's not healthy, I'd much rather jump to the death rather than struggle in the pain. Especially right now, looking at the changes ahead and at everything that will be "dying" over the next few weeks, I'm reflecting on that part of my personality with a little bit of anger towards everything; myself and how I am, life and how it is, etc. How does one figure out a correct way to deal with pain?

If the computer's one of the first things that has to die, so be it. How we'll get through the pain of all the deaths ahead, I don't really know. But bring it on... It's a good thing our God is one of resurrection...

Duty and tears

I don't remember so many extended crying times before I came to Japan. Even after walking away from my parents and boyfriend in the airport, it only took me a few steps inside security to compose myself and start looking forward--first looking for my boarding gate, then looking for my seat aboard the aircraft, then tracking on the inflight map forward, forward, forward...to Japan.

The one time that I simply broke down and sobbed was the night I was watching the movie "The Bodyguard." I was curled up in my university dorm room with my cousin, my boyfriend, and some others, and we were having a "movie night." The movie, if you haven't seen it, tells the story of a pop singer who has been receiving threatening notes, etc., and a former Secret Service agent is hired to protect her. The whole story is full of themes about duty, fear, trust, and relationship...I actually don't remember so much of the story in general, but the final scene is still engraved on my mind--the secret service agent and the singer are parting ways, with the singer's safety secured and the agent's job done. The singer's plane is pulling away, and she's looking stone-faced ahead, but then suddenly she calls out, "Stop the plane!", runs back to the agent, hurls herself into his arms and there is, for a few moments, the traditional movie's "happy ending"... I watched the ending and simply burst into tears. I knew that my plane was going to Japan, and I knew that I wasn't going to say, "Stop the plane!"...no matter who I was leaving.

Last night I "skimmed" through the movie "Roman Holiday" and found myself having flashbacks to the time of watching "The Bodyguard"... Roman Holiday is a quality classic about a princess who escapes for a day, meets an American man in Rome, and experiences all kinds of "living" that she hadn't yet been able to experience. In the end, she has to leave the man and go back to the palace to undertake her duty...but as she turns and says goodbye to the man, even though she'd only known him for one day, she cries, and kisses him. Later she says that she'll remember her one day in Rome her whole life. When she comes back to the palace and is being chided for forgetting her duty to her country and people, she responds by saying something like, "Please don't say that word again! Why else would I have come back, if it weren't for the fact that I know without a doubt my duty..." (ok, that's just what I remember...not a word-for-word quote at all!)

I didn't cry when I watched the ending of "Roman Holiday," but I feel as though the heroine's tears are somehow inside my heart. My life isn't my own...I have a duty, of sorts, and so I can't choose to come back here and go to grad school, and I can't choose to go hide in a cave, and I can't choose just to go back home and hang out with friends...I believe that God is good, and that He'll lead to pleasant places...but when I say goodbye to here, even if it's only been a little over 2 years of my life spent here, it'll be with tears...

Shadows and outlines

Yesterday one of my friends here came to the house and brought with her some old DVDs of Ef playing guitar and singing with me at Open Mic night here. It was like watching old family movies, to some extent; her and I "oooh"ing and "aahh"ing over old memories together. Open Mic night, for those of you who don't know, is a once-a-month evening of mostly strange live music performances by the young people of Niigata city. The event is held at an older Italian restaurant downtown, and many of the people who come are English teachers or students. Last year, I used to go to Open Mic almost every month, driving the hour from Shirone to church here in Niigata city, and then walking to the restaurant where it was held. Often I would come early and meet some other girls for dinner, or meet a group of friends at the restaurant. It was a good place of social connections with a lot of different people, and a comfortable time to invite young people to come hang out to get to know them better... But watching the old DVDs again, I realized again that the hanging out, loud music, and drinking wasn't really how I liked to hang out. Even though I miss Ef a lot, and I miss the girls that I used to hang out with at Open Mic, I remember plenty of months when I would fake a phone call or something just to step outside the restaurant and get some fresh air, plaster on another smile, and step back inside. There was this random dichotomy of loving the people and also realizing that hanging out there was, in essence, putting me in "full ministry mode," as Cindy says here for things that are purely work. :)

I haven't really gone to Open Mic recently, and my job has taken a distinct turn from hanging out socially building relationships on the outside to being at and inside the church. Sometimes I look at how much time I'm at church and think to myself, "This isn't me at all!" Sometimes I find myself hanging out talking with the older people after the services and think, "Should I really be here...?" The ministry and what I do so different from what it was, and yet, as Lindsey so aptly put it a few days ago, "We're learning here that there are more than two opposites on any given subject/choice..."

I guess what I'm trying to process in words here is this feeling of being a fluid, shadowy person...not having any outline or shape of my own. I've been here for two years, and what's been done? Who am I? Have I ever done things that I'm gifted at? What does it mean to be gifted at something? On the good days, I remember that God gets the glory for everything, and He's the One who's accomplished anything good over the last two-plus years...on the bad days, I think that all that's been accomplished since I've come here is that I've messed up an awful lot, spent a lot of people's time and energy, lost who I ever was, and been ridiculously selfish in all of it. Talk about bouncing between positive and negative thinking! It wears a person out just trying to process life.

On a more upbeat, grace-filled note: Last week in the evening worship times we read Psalm 16, which at one point says, "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places..." I keep thinking about it and try to see how it fits my very fluid personality...it's very reassuring to know that no matter who I am or how I've screwed up, God's the One who's drawn my boundary lines. Does that mean that I don't have to confess my screwups? No. Does that mean that I don't need to learn things like obedience? No. Does that mean that sanctification and discipleship don't need to happen? No. But it does mean that God knew what He was getting into when He made me...even if I don't know where my boundaries or outlines are necessarily, I believe He'll keep revealing them to me as I need them...

New Beginnings

Everyone jokes about New Year's resolutions...the diet where instead of losing pounds you lose days, the cigarettes you'll stop smoking after just this last one, or the chocolate you're going to stop eating until...wait, can someone really survive without chocolate?! :)

I think people have this idea of fresh starts, where they can start something feeling good about themselves and for just a moment, feel like they're ahead in a life where it's all too easy to feel like the score racks up points against a person. It's good to have the score go back to zero and say for just a moment, "I'm gonna reach 1 point and take the lead!" The lead may only be kept for a second, but we at least give it a try. :)

Tuesday is the start of the new school semester here, and we've been trying--ok, I've been obsessing maybe--about having a good start. I'm not a procrastinator, and so I was working on lesson plans approximately a week ago. Yesterday I invited/forced the girls I work with to sit down together for a beginning of the semester meeting, and today I strongly encouraged them to clean the office/arrange desks/etc....all in an attempt to start the semester off right.

This evening, as we gave up on the rest of our office cleaning, we decided to grab dinner individually and then come together to watch Star Wars as kind of a last hurrah before the real work starts, but a trip to the nearest Tsutaya revealed--alas!--Star Wars was nowhere to be found available... And even though I KNOW that it's actually wiser for us to be apart for awhile and we all needed a break, we settled on another choice and came home to watch it...but instead of being a little action and romance tied together, the movie ended up involving really ugly lessons/messages/religion based on fear and curses, and at the end of the night all of us looked at each other with a mixture of regret saying, "Sorry I suggested that...sorry I made you guys go with that...sorry I didn't stop you..."

One of my first thoughts was, "Man...what a way to start the semester." But as I've been thinking over that for the last hour or so, I've realized something...our "score," as human beings, is never 1 to 0, with me in the lead. Life is full of sin, and we are sinful, and sometimes we need to stare truth in the face: alone, we lose. No amount of right actions that hide awful motives or good motives that are behind pathetic actions can put me in a position of a "good start."

I got a phone call tonight from one of my friends in Tokyo, who'd visited a church this Sunday where the whole sermon wasn't about Jesus...it was about being a better, happier Christian. He was with one of my other friends, and both of them reported how disgusted and sad they felt when they heard the preaching to be better people and smile more often and get closer to God so that He could love them. My friend summed it up by saying, "It was very lonely." That's maybe what happens when we try to kick God out of the picture and make our own "good starts"...it gets lonely, and pretty soon simply hopeless. No wonder why so many religions are based off of fear, violence, and ugly ugly ugly things...it doesn't take a lot of learning or life experience to make us realize that on our own in life, we're screwed. So people grab for whatever they can get to harness the spiritual side of life that they can't understand or compete with...

"But we preach Christ crucified..." A God of love, willing to die for people that He loves rather than subject them to death. A God who has to have perfection, so He makes a way for people to die with His Son and also receive His Son's life...Sorry this theme is so common in my blogs...but I have to say again, thank God for grace, and for forgiveness...

I'm not saying that people should throw off all restraints, be bad stewards of what they've been given, and simply sit saying, "Poor me, unable to get ahead in life!"...not at all. And you don't have to read too far into the Bible until you hear things like, "Put to death the sinful man..." and "offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God..." Sigh. Yet sometimes it's good for people...especially me, who knows how to make myself "look good" religiously and otherwise...to have to sit down and say, "Yeah, I blew it...but it's ok."

So this semester's gonna start in the best way that I can think possible...under the protection of the Creator God, in the forgiveness coming from Jesus, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit...it's a good start, I think.

To be or not to be...

So, our readings of "the gifts book" has pegged me as a mercy person. For those of you who know what that means, this post will make sense...for those of you that don't get that comment, I'm not so sure how to explain it. A person with a mercy personality is a person who values/is driven to/is fulfilled by receiving the love of God, living in God's presence, and then transferring that relationship and relational healing to others. We see people's needs, maybe, and respond to them in such a way as to move them towards wholeness...I hope. At least that's the idea. Anyway, one of the difficulties of having this type of personality/gifting is that a person is always looking at needs and trying to fill them, and the lie that says, "You're only valuable if you're doing something for God/another person" easily takes root in the mind of a person with this gifting. Because of this, it's important that we spend time just being, rather than doing...

A healthy example of this is that when I'm stressed, I can spend hours at the piano, not really working on anything or intentionally playing anything. Maybe I'm connecting with God, trying to search out His heart and respond to it musically...but it's not a mental process going on in my brain as much as an emotional/spiritual thing in my heart and spirit. And it is healing, directly going against that lie that I need to do things to be loved.

Anyway, I don't always take the time to sit still and just be...Cindy has always laughed at me because when she is stressed, she'll go and sit absolutely still and watch the sunrise/sunset...whereas I'll usually go running. :) It seems like role-reversal; I spring into action, and she just sits and "is." We talk about that seeming switch often, and I've thought about it for awhile now...what does it mean simply to be?

A lot of blogs, personal stories, newsletters, etc., have highlighted Trash Box Jam, the band that I met in Omiya while I was in orientation, and the relationship that I have with them. One reason for that is because it is so far outside of what I expected to fall in love with...another reason is because they are the one relationship that I have in this country that hasn't changed so much over my time here. I was reflecting in another blog the other day that every Christmas, Easter, birthday, etc., has been with different people over the last 2 1/2 years, but New Year's I've always spent with the band in Omiya station. That just seems downright ironic to me; one of the longest relationships I've had in this country involves a street band.

This New Years we met up about 11pm in Omiya station, then at midnight sang the usual "Happy New Year Song"...Then listened to more music until about 4am, when we walked to a big shrine in the area...then walked back with Sing and my's annual argument over whether all religions are the same or not (it always happens because going to the shrine kind of sets down some very clear boundaries between us)...then we headed back to the station, and started playing football in a parking lot as the sun rose up over the buildings. I was playing football with them, and the ball went right through my hands in a missed touchdown attempt when the thought hit me: this is a place where I can be.

I can't explain this so well...but being a pastor's kid and a mercy person, I've grown up learning about and knowing how to meet people's needs. And the funny thing is that in the church, it is expected that the needs-meeting people will meet the needs of those around them. I'm a church-worker...it is my job, in many people's minds, to meet needs. But the people at the band know very little about my life. They don't know that I'm actually a fairly decent singer but know nothing about John Lennon...they don't know that I can read much more Japanese than the bungled words that I can get out of my mouth...they don't know that I'm a pastor's kid or a good student or someone who's started programs or shut down programs...what they know is that I love them, and that I want to see the good in people, and that I want to help out when I can. And that, for them, is enough.

I don't have to do something for them to love me...I just am my own personality, and it works. So, I misread situations, don't understand their language, disregard their religion, am out of their lives more than I'm in them, and bungle touchdown passes :)...but at the end of the day (or beginning of the day, for New Year's), Aya hugs me and says, "It was fun! We'll be waiting for your next visit." Kumi simply hugs me tight and smiles. Sing says, "I'll be thinking about you...I love you." Not in a romantic, scary sort of way, but very different...and the funny thing is that I don't get angry at him...I believe him.

Of course it's not perfect...not really logical. For as much as I try to explain how safe it feels for me there, I think everyone's eyebrows around me just climb higher and higher in the look of, "Oh, my! This young girl is delusional!" People might say, "If they don't really know what you can or can't do, then they don't really know who you are...they're just loving part of you. That's not a real relationship." But I've experienced enough relationships in my life based on what I do that I, for one, am enjoying dearly the time I'm spending in relationship--even half a relationship--with people who don't care what I do and love me for who they know me to be.

I think God gives us many times throughout the day when we can see glimpses of grace. I hope...I believe...that he'll give me another place where I can simply be, when my time here is done. As it is, I love them very much, and am thankful for the grace they show me, even if they don't know that's what it is...

Community

Last night I got back from almost a full week in Tokyo. We joined the other Vers for the annual Family Christmas retreat at a Bible Chalet/retreat center, joined TBJ for New Year's, and finally headed home so exhausted I wondered if I could make it to my front door from the bus stop... :) After 12 hours of sleep, I'm feeling much genkier.

Going to Tokyo always involves some yelling, for some reason or another, and this time was no different...but it's always good. We are the most random group of people, tied together by work, pain, tears...when I first came to Tokyo, I ended up living with 3 other girls that I hadn't previously known, and going to class with 2 other girls who were strangers. I met, at that time, the other Vers who were scattered across Tokyo who were part of my new family...for about 5 months. Then, life completely changed and I moved out to be with Laura and Efrain as my closest family...some Vers went back to America, and the 3 other girls I'd been living with moved to different places. Basically, in our program, every 6 months somebody changes. Because I'm in Niigata, I've only seen the newest additions to our "family" twice, and I'll only see them twice more before I leave the country...sigh for relational upheaval. Somehow, through all the moving, we end up loving each other and learning from each other way more than we could have possibly guessed in the beginning...

I'm reading a book from my father called, "The Disciple Making Church," and in it there is this quote: "God not only wants to be pursued, he wants to be pursued through our experience of community. Together we need to learn how to become like Jesus, and to discern where Jesus is sending us next."

For me, the girls who came with me are very special. We've been through so much together, even though we're on opposite sides of the island. Over the last two years, there have been plenty of times when they've hit me over the head for something just when I needed the aforementioned punch, and I've done it right back to them. We've protected each other almost ferociously, and a common quote is something like, "The sheep that wanders off alone is the one most likely to be attacked." Our pursuing of God together, in community, has not only shown me much more about my own strengths and weaknesses (trust me--nothing like community to bring out your weaknesses! :)), but also shown me much more about who God is...

The most recent visit to Tokyo, however, had a different lesson to learn. We've watched others leave, we've said goodbye to them...now we need to learn to say goodbye to each other. The temptation is to cling too tightly or to separate too much--I think I spent my first 3 days with everyone simply thinking, "Good, I've been in Niigata a long time now, and I don't really have a place in this Tokyo community anymore. No one here really needs me, and I won't have to enter the community again closely...I can just kind of sneak off rather than have the long tearful goodbye..." Wrong.

In reality, I think, the healthy beginning of goodbyes looked much different. It looked like arguments, tears, people correcting misreadings that others had done and asking forgiveness for incorrect expectations...and in the end, an affirming of who we are as individuals and how God is using us as special people. We've fought for and through community...now there is somehow a fighting for who we have become as individuals through the community and a searching for "where Jesus is sending us next..." And even though there is and will be tears...it's good.