Music

At one point this last week I looked at up Cindy and said in satisfaction and a little disbelief, "Ok, I have my music for choir, for caroling, for nursing homes, and for evening worship...and I'm an English teacher?!" Sometimes it feels like I spend much more time leading or learning music than I do teaching, which shows that I'm spoiled rotten, in some respects. :) Anyway, here are some pics of the last couple weeks' musical endeavors...

Last weekend we held a random Christmas caroling time...a couple of students and church members had offered to "host" our group of carolers, so we wound a path through the neighborhoods near the church, carrying umbrellas (that was a first for me--caroling with umbrellas!) and stopping every once in awhile to enter a house, sing some songs and be treated with ridiculous amounts of wonderful food. :)

It was a little awkward for our Japanese students to be invited into stranger's homes and accept their hospitality...but it was also quite fun to watch new relationships being formed.

My selfish highlight of the evening was getting some good dog-bonding time...yay! :) It was nice to know that I haven't lost my dog-scratching abilities...

A lot of different music is also sung at nursing homes every month. Looking back, I'm a little confused as to how this whole idea started...at first it was simply like, "Hey, I've done some singing at nursing homes, and I enjoy it...I have a not-so-full day on Wednesdays...any chance there may be a place to do some volunteer singing?" Then there was one place...then two...and now, in December, we have one nursing home scheduled every week! And what originally was simply me going and singing some songs has ended up involving multiple people, a lot of Japanese music to learn, and interesting things in general...

This is from the most recent nursing home visit...Kazama-san, one of my students, writes his own music and plays guitar very well. Usually, the music is just the two of us, with him playing and me singing, but we also try to do a few songs that everyone can sing along with. These are always new songs for me...but Japanese folk songs that are useful to know! For example, a few months ago I learned the song that my garbage truck plays every morning... :)

These people are so darn cute...one lady after we sang tried to get Kazama-san to teach her guitar...another man ran me down for my autograph...mostly, it's a very humbling experiene to see their joy.

Reflections on shame...

So, I started out the day by reading Psalm 31, and it struck me so much that I even read it to Lindsey as we were eating breakfast on our hot carpet. Afterwards, she was like, "why Psalm 31 today, Haid?" I tried to explain that I love so many of the Psalms' focus on God being the One who frees us from shame. There are so many times when the writer of the psalm is begging God things like, "Save me from disgrace!" "Don't let my enemies gloat over me!" "Keep me from shame!" And the list could go on...

Those kinds of prayers have been often on my lips since I moved to this country. Really, try living where you don't know the language, you're a young female, and there are so many cultural rules that it simply isn't possible to memorize or follow them all...and see how often you end up praying that God keeps you from shame! :) Misspoken words, misread actions, the wrong response at the wrong time to a sentence that you didn't quite catch or understand...the possibilities are endless.

Today was good, but it was one of those personally-frustrating days where it seemed like shameful possibilities just kept getting thrown in my face. Cindy mentioned casually over lunch today that she'd had a good talk with some of the other ladies about the difficulties and worries there are when working with young missionaries. (I KNOW that she didn't actually mean it as an accusation, but I'm definitely the youngest person here...and I don't have to think too far back into my distant memory to find things like...oh, shutting down a program, messing with finances, hurting a lot of people...all on my track record. Bother.) I don't have to think far at all before I notice my shyness that is all-to-often debilitating when I'm supposed to speak or lead, and how often I don't say things when I'm supposed to or say things when I'm not supposed to...sigh. And I don't have to think at all to notice how often I respond in tightness or sadness or fear rather than the comfortable, "this is all going to pass, let's deal with it reasonably and logically" sense that adults seem to carry with them. Besides all of those greatly encouraging thoughts, tonight coming home I decided it was high time to send an email to another friend of mine, clarifying relationships in general...knowing that any ordinary person's response to that would be something like, "What is this young girl trying to say?! She's crazy to even be thinking this way!!"

Sigh. The moral of the story is either 1). don't be young and stupid, 2). live in a cave, or 3). pray like the psalmists did.

Working with kids, sometimes a person finds that even as he/she is finishing a task, the child is behind him/her, making another mess or ruining just what was done before...I feel often like this in working with myself. I'll be going along thinking, "Wow! How cool is this!?" and then turn around to see the spilled milk, broken cookies, messy toys, and say, "Who did this?!"...only to be faced with myself as the culprit.

Here are similarly-minded musings from earlier today:

The more I struggle to be free,
The more the twist entangles me...
Brought to my knees, past thought of lying,
Until I'm crawling, rolling, crying...
Facing the blood that's been on my hands,
Then watching you, guilty I stand
And I wait for the judgement call.

No strong killer nor pure one,
Courageous nor holy I come,
Selfishness and fear the blood on my hands,
Tearer of strings, twister of bands,
Covered with remants of webs woven
Scratched, bruised, relationships cloven,
Of myself, there's no hope at all.

But...

You don't leave me on my knees,
You grasp the deep roots of the weed,
When the spines tear Your flesh, You don't look back,
And grace and love for all I lack
Of courage, truth, or love in me
Comes rushing in, like the sea
I'm no longer void--You're my all.

Rather bad poetry, but I blame it on the fact that I was listening to a lecture in Japanese about fish the same time I was writing it... :)

Today was our "One day Christian seminar" at church, or something like that, and this morning's seminar was entitled "Where does power for living come from?" I enjoyed it, even though I understood only about 5% of it...I think what the speaker was saying is that our power for living comes from God's love...(how's that for a very short summary? :))

I agree with that idea completely... I think of Jesus, experiencing the shame of our sin, God leaving Him, and dying on a cross...and then think of the Holy Spirit, coming to live and fill where I lack...it's really, truly, the only place that power comes from that is good.

Enough random reflections for one night. Praise God for new days...

Sigh...

Why do I believe in grace?

Because I so often realize that the greatest evil does not come from outside of me, but from within...

Tonight, rather than eat my dinner, I ended up chatting in a mixture of awful English and Japanese with a guy that a friend introduced me to...the guy was a mathmetician, but apparently he was also somewhat of a philosopher, because I understood him and enjoyed our discussion immensely...

We started talking because he was asking me about a song that I'd written for my friend, who's a guitarist, and this math guy wanted to know the meaning of the song. The song is all about relationships...how most of the time, with people, our relationships are simply messed up. They are either too fake, or too forced; too distant, or too close. Jesus is the only One who gives us love and freedom...a torn curtain and enterance to the presence of the Holy of Holies, but also the freedom to chose to remain outside.

Anyway, so we're sitting at the table talking about this, which led to huge discussions on real love, the crusades, the fact that everyone holds to some belief, no matter what it is...good stuff. Then from dinner we went as a group of 6 to karaoke and sang more, just laughing and hanging out and having a good time.

The problem is that even throughout tonight, even while I was saying those things about love and good relationships through Jesus' strength, I still found myself drawing people to myself, rather than to God. Or at least, wanting to draw them to myself. Grrrrr. I'm not so into quoting old theologians, but Paul's quote I definitely do like: "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death?"

There's a Michelle Branch song that I really like, and the chorus goes something like, "If you want to, I can save you. I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares..." I sing that song at karaoke often, because I love it...and I love it because I live it, actually. There are so many people in this country who desperately are looking for someone who cares, and I so often try to save them myself. Pretty stupid. Ends up pretty messy. Pretty ridiculous...

Anyway, so even though the evening began with a song about good relationships and Jesus' love and salvation, it ended with me and Lindsey lying on our hot carpet in our living room confessing--sometimes with laughter, and sometimes with honest to goodness sorrow and shame--stories of relationships and how messy they can be...

Confession and forgiveness. Learning how to really live on God's power, and not my own, and let Him get glory, and not me...and rest secured in His love, not grasping for others'...note the previous posting on health...yeah. It is healthy...only because in the end, we say, with Paul, "Thanks be to God!"

Reflections on health

Healthy things:
- running
- joining prayer group just because I want to
- playing lots of music
- having time to do volunteer work
- reminding people about how much God loves them
- persimmons (that I eat daily)
- writing and daydreaming in two languages
- studying and reading
- being stretched and grown
- learning self-control
- saying no
- loving people
- receiving forgiveness

Sorry, this may seem random...it's just a "reflect on blessings" sort of day. :)

"And I have someone waiting too..."

So, this weekend has been crazy-blessed in so many ways...


We've been decorating for Christmas all week, it seems, in our classes. Cindy's been making her students grab an ornament and hang it on our small tree in the prayer room, and then we've also been getting pictures of our classes and the tree...the festiveness of the season just brings more energy and life, I think. :) It's been interesting to watch our students too; some of them really dislike this season, and others enjoy Christmas simply because of the lights and everything, but few people get the whole "unto us a Child is born" type of joy... One lady last night asked, "Is it ok to smile at church during Christmas? Isn't it a serious time of year?" We all assured her that she could smile as much as she wanted... :)


Coffee House was yesterday, and we decided to do a pie contest in honor of Thanksgiving, and then decorate for Christmas afterwards! To our surprise and delight, and to the utter chaos of the evening, we had about 30 people come...kids, adults...even my older retired student who was the most lovely adopted grandfather I've ever seen for the kids... Then after Coffee House, a couple of the young adults just hung out singing songs, watching worship dramas, etc. :) It truly felt like Thanksgiving, down to the very end, where five of us were eating the remainders out of the pie plates with only our forks or spoons... :) Even though the event was supposed to end at 6pm, we were there until after 9pm singing, talking, and goofing around that included such things as Cindy demonstrating ballroom dance, me demonstrating rap, and a random group rendition of "Stand By Me."

Then today was an organ concert...SOO many people crammed into our little church! It's really so cool to see the church members reaching out to their community and welcoming people into the church...we had young kids glued to that organ, and students and neighborhood people coming in...

After the organ concert, I went out for a quick run before meeting Lindsey and Cindy to discuss our "after Christmas" goals and plans for the transitions coming up... Sometimes it's so weird here to look around at the ministry that is going on, and see all of these people that I've gotten to know and love...struggle through things with...email at all hours of the day or night :)...celebrate Christmases and Thanksgivings, etc...and realize that these aren't my people to keep. The next stage in my life will be starting sooner than I think, and it feels like mentally and emotionally, the switches will soon have to be starting...I need to pass on these people that I love to others, and even though I see how plentifully "the harvest" is here on so many levels, it maybe is not going to be my harvest to work...heh, is any of this making sense? I summed up how I was feeling today with one word: jealous. All of these people--why do I have to give them up? When I went running today, I was listening to a song that actually talks about a girl and guy having an affair...the title above is a line that really stuck out to me; "And I have someone waiting too..." I do have someone waiting--a whole other country, actually, and other opportunities and plans that God has in store...

"Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise..." These people, and everything that has happened here up to now, is God's...His work, His people, His timing...and indeed, there are so many blessings!

Intentionality...or simply blessings...

Mondays, because they are listed as days off, are always somewhat of a struggle. Because it's your day off, do you catch up on all of the work that you should be doing? Catch up on emails? Catch up on Japanese study? Use your time to connect with all the people you haven't gotten a chance to connect with? Do you lock yourself in your room? Clean your house?

Besides the simple question of what to do on Mondays, there are much bigger questions we've started discussing...such as, "What things are just good, and what things are actually God's will?" "What is simply busy-ness, and what is necessary?" "What are good relationship builders, and what's healthy alone time?" Anyway, if you want a better description of the mental job struggle (in poetic language even!), you should read Cindy's blog.

So often, we plan events or activities to be intentional, push people in some way towards something, connect groups together, etc. We almost always have a goal or vision for doing things, and that's good...but with Christmas coming on and a lot of extra stuff on the schedule, it seems like we're looking at our planners suddenly thinking, "When did we stop being about people and become an intentionality-driven event business?" Ok, that's definitely harsher sounding than I meant it to be! We need both the intentionality and the other side, and I know that...

Anyway, the whole reason that I'm writing all of this down is because it was a wonderful, non-business day, but in a lot of ways it felt like big ministry stuff got done. I talked to my family in the morning (chatted, rather, since my microphone broke...blah!), got out for a quick run and shower, and then ran to meet another student for a volunteer after-school program where I met many of our English school students, and met and chatted for awhile with one of my student's mothers! It was SO fun to just hang out with the kids, and talk to our students and their friends, and then getting to meet my student's mother was simply the topping on the cake...I'd NEVER met her before, and her son is one of my favorite students! And I learned that she volunteers every week at that school! Did intentional conversations happen, where I can point to things and say, "This was great!"? No. But the feeling overall is that connection was made...and it's kinda the feeling of, "Yay!" I wasn't looking for so many connections at all...but God just kept sending people along...

After the volunteer program, I came home, and Betsy and Mayo ended up stopping by and eating dinner. Then Mayo and I studied Japanese/English together for awhile...again, not intense connections, but just relaxed, normal opportunities to partake in every day life together.

Ok...really, I'm not dissing intentionality at all...but I love random relationship connections, and today was just a good reminder that I can plan programs all I want, to help myself feel busy and useful...but God mostly calls me to love the people around me...

An expert in the field of tortured looks...

So, maybe a little over a month ago I watched a movie called "Elizabethtown"... Because I can't quite read all the kanji on the back of DVD cases yet, renting movies is sometimes an interesting venture...whereas I expected this one to be simply light and fun, it was actually a movie that brought up tough stuff like death and suicide and family relations...however, even if it wasn't what was expected, I really liked it.

Orlando Bloom, the main male actor in the movie, plays the part of a business man who makes and sells shoes. He is kind of new in the business, and his first big product is a huge failure, costing his company more money than...is allowed, definitely. Anyway, struck by this resounding failure, Orlando (I forgot the character's name!) decides to commit suicide, and is just about ready to follow through on his decision when his cell phone rings...his sister, calling to tell him that his dad has just died, and asking him to go pick up his dad's body from where it was and bring it back to their place for burial. Orlando goes to fulfill his duty to his family, but has every intention of following through on his suicide plan when he finishes his responsibilities. The movie basically picks up there and goes through his process of meeting his dad's side of the family and another girl who listens and helps him heal...all the way through the story, Orlando's character goes through collecting "last looks," thinking that, because of his suicide plan, this will be the last time he meets such and such and so and so.

I've been thinking especially of Orlando's character being "an expert in the field of last looks" the last few days working here...but for us here, it's not necessarily last looks, but tortured looks that we see. I know that I've mentioned it before, but this week was just another reminder; when people start thinking new thoughts, and when the Holy Spirit starts tugging on someone's heart, they really do start looking tortured.

One of my students this last week had a new "tortured" face. We've been playing a lot of worship music together, and the student has always seemed just normally happy and in good spirits...this last week was a little different though...seemed to be fighting back tears in our evening worship time...

A part of me wishes dearly that it wouldn't be so difficult, or such a wrestling thing...but I know, in my heart, that the tortured look is actually a reason for celebration and joy. For the person with the tortured look, it is a time for crossing the line, an embracing of new ideas, a call to trust in a loving Father...and for us, it is so much a call for prayer!!

Praise God for His Holy Spirit working in hearts and minds...and I pray that the tortured look would be changed to one of trust, peace, and joy as our loving Savior is revealed more and more...

Being made whole...

Sometimes I think that people just assume that missionaries are joyful, bubbly, seeing God work everywhere...either that or we seem to have a reputation for being social outcasts... :) Funny how different those two reputations are...

Being as last week was retreat and all the VYMers were together, it's been a good time lately to reflect on community and mission work and relationships and reputations in general... The week of community is always good, and the love that I feel towards all of these people who used to be strangers but who are now family is really hard to describe to those who've never experienced it...but in with the goodness there is always somewhat of an ache. I've never really gotten to chose my relationships in this country...and there are so many people on the other side of the island that I love dearly but whom, in reality, I'll only see a couple more times before I have to leave the country. The tension of a group of people who love each other, but have to remain separate from each other, is just plain difficult...

Anyway, especially with all of the change that's happened on this side of the island in the last year, it was a little hard to feel like a part of the big group of Vers...there is so much that has been experienced, fought through, feared through, and prayed through here that we never shared with people while we were going through that time...in fact, there is so much that simply is underneath the surface...I don't think about my old city so often, but sometimes when I think about going home for the evening, I think of my old apartment and curling up in front of the heater. Yesterday I called our grocery store here, Shimizu foods, the name of the grocery store that was there, Lion Dor... And yesterday, when my pastor seemed as though maybe he wanted me to do one thing and I instead chose to do something else, I had to mentally remind myself again and again..."Don't worry! He can be angry with you and not hate you...he can disagree with you and still love you...it's ok..."

I hate typing all of these things, really, and I hated feeling as though there was this huge, silent barrier between the group and us when we went to Tokyo...but even as I can say "yada!!!" in response to these thoughts and to painful loving and community, I found a quote from Beth Moore today that seemed to provide just the right hope for what last week felt like in Tokyo and even what yesterday felt like here...

"The richest testimonies come from people God has made whole and who still remember what it was like to be broken."

I like that a lot...throw out some of those regular missionary labels of "people-person," "social outcast," "religious fanatic," etc., and try this: someone God has made whole who still remembers what it was like to be broken...