I can't possibly put a title on this...

So much has happened in the last 36 hours that I can't quite synthesize it all or speak about it intelligibly yet...but I want to get something down in order to remember it later.

This last Saturday being Valentine's Day and all, we've had a busy week preparing for the big Vday party, etc. Every day in class there was poetry and discussions about love. Then last night, more than 30 people crowded into the sanctuary for dancing (kudos to Cindy), food (kudos to Lindsey), and chatting. It was really a good evening, and Sensei finished the evening off with a story, giving an example of God's love that is for us, even when we fail or screw up. In this country where perfection is so important and the loss of face is so big that people would rather jump in front of trains than deal with shame, it's a pretty powerful message to hear that God's love is for us, even in our imperfection.

Then skip ahead to this morning. We all had had not so much sleep--Sensei said he got about 3 hours, but that was all, but the church was bustling and full of people. One girl brought her mom for the first time, another new lady was there again, people were wandering in trying to find places to sit...it was just a Sunday that felt alive.

I was in tears for most of the service, as were many others--including Sensei. It all started with the children's message, when Sensei was explaining simply to the kids that our hearts are sick. Even if we don't do bad things (we think), inside our thoughts and feelings are so evil most of the time. We had studied the text for this Sunday during Thursday night Bible study and Friday night worship/prayer time, so I at least had heard some of the Japanese vocab enough to follow along, and hearing Jesus saying, "It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" and having it all tied into the theme of love and forgiveness was so incredibly beautiful. At one point during the sermon Sensei leaned forward and said, "There are people who say that at the point of death, they'll choose to believe God. I have something I'd like to tell those people. Eternal life with God doesn't start at death. It starts now. And I wouldn't give up one second or one minute of being blessed with God's love and forgiveness like my life is right now."

Something in my heart went, "Oh, yeah. That's what Christianity is again." I've been trying to figure out my purpose for being here, trying to figure out why I have to be a church worker, trying to figure out how to be a good person, trying to figure out what my failings have been since I've come here, so I can ask for forgiveness and learn from them...but that's not what's important. For some reason, it's so easy to forget that I came here to fail in myself and to show God's grace and love...that I came here simply to be a witness of the forgiveness that God gives an imperfect existence. Somehow, at the end of my experience here, I want to add it all up like a logical, wordly person, put everything on a scale, and say, "Was this worth it?" But when has the kingdom of God ever been about the final measurement of success? It's not about ending life and saying, "Ok, I've had the title of Christian my whole life and gone to church most Sundays..." It's about being able to stand up and say with tears of joy and love (and probably tiredness too :)) "I wouldn't give up one second or one minute of being blessed with God's love and forgiveness like I am right now."

I think one of the reasons (there really were many reasons for many people) why we were all crying is because we all forget what real love looks like. We keep trying to be worthy of love, or we forget that it's even available for us, or we forget that we're in need of it. We forget the fact that our very hearts are sick, and we keep trying to "Ganbatte" it and go through life uncured.

This morning, though, it was like the deepest part of me understood, finally, that I am forgiven. What happened in Shirone doesn't matter. What happened through all of my bumblings and mix-ups while I've been here doesn't matter...and those things are not held against me anymore. God knows my heart's sick...this side of eternity, it always will be...that's why He's done something about it. He's stated clearly, I've come to call sinners. I love sinners. I forgive you.

We cried through the children's message, the sermon, the prayers, and communion. Sensei just kept blowing his nose and going with the next words that he had, the lady next to me kept dabbing at her eyes, and I could hear the people behind me sniffling for half of the service. The lady who said the prayers got choked up, Ryoko-san dashed out to cry in private, and Cindy and I kept glancing at each other with raised eyebrows, saying without words, "Look what God is doing here!" The Church. I don't like churches in general and trust very few of them, and maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings on everyone else who was in the building this morning :), but coming before God's throne, knowing our sinfulness and receiving love and forgiveness together was one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced.

After the service I went for a run, listening to some of the Third Day Revelation songs (Cindy's sister sent the CD to her, and it's been passed down to me, Lindsey, my guitarist, and more I think...we're all thankful for it! If you haven't gotten it yet, get it. Really.:)). One of the songs is sung from God's (assumed)perspective, and it has a part that goes:

"Call my name, say it loud, I want you to never doubt.
The love I have for you is so alive."

Not something in a book. Not something hanging over my head as a chain to make me follow the Christian rules now. Not something that will be in the future, after I die. Nothing stale, or inconsequential, or traditional, or binding...ALIVE...love. Now, even in our imperfection and sin.