To be or not to be...

So, our readings of "the gifts book" has pegged me as a mercy person. For those of you who know what that means, this post will make sense...for those of you that don't get that comment, I'm not so sure how to explain it. A person with a mercy personality is a person who values/is driven to/is fulfilled by receiving the love of God, living in God's presence, and then transferring that relationship and relational healing to others. We see people's needs, maybe, and respond to them in such a way as to move them towards wholeness...I hope. At least that's the idea. Anyway, one of the difficulties of having this type of personality/gifting is that a person is always looking at needs and trying to fill them, and the lie that says, "You're only valuable if you're doing something for God/another person" easily takes root in the mind of a person with this gifting. Because of this, it's important that we spend time just being, rather than doing...

A healthy example of this is that when I'm stressed, I can spend hours at the piano, not really working on anything or intentionally playing anything. Maybe I'm connecting with God, trying to search out His heart and respond to it musically...but it's not a mental process going on in my brain as much as an emotional/spiritual thing in my heart and spirit. And it is healing, directly going against that lie that I need to do things to be loved.

Anyway, I don't always take the time to sit still and just be...Cindy has always laughed at me because when she is stressed, she'll go and sit absolutely still and watch the sunrise/sunset...whereas I'll usually go running. :) It seems like role-reversal; I spring into action, and she just sits and "is." We talk about that seeming switch often, and I've thought about it for awhile now...what does it mean simply to be?

A lot of blogs, personal stories, newsletters, etc., have highlighted Trash Box Jam, the band that I met in Omiya while I was in orientation, and the relationship that I have with them. One reason for that is because it is so far outside of what I expected to fall in love with...another reason is because they are the one relationship that I have in this country that hasn't changed so much over my time here. I was reflecting in another blog the other day that every Christmas, Easter, birthday, etc., has been with different people over the last 2 1/2 years, but New Year's I've always spent with the band in Omiya station. That just seems downright ironic to me; one of the longest relationships I've had in this country involves a street band.

This New Years we met up about 11pm in Omiya station, then at midnight sang the usual "Happy New Year Song"...Then listened to more music until about 4am, when we walked to a big shrine in the area...then walked back with Sing and my's annual argument over whether all religions are the same or not (it always happens because going to the shrine kind of sets down some very clear boundaries between us)...then we headed back to the station, and started playing football in a parking lot as the sun rose up over the buildings. I was playing football with them, and the ball went right through my hands in a missed touchdown attempt when the thought hit me: this is a place where I can be.

I can't explain this so well...but being a pastor's kid and a mercy person, I've grown up learning about and knowing how to meet people's needs. And the funny thing is that in the church, it is expected that the needs-meeting people will meet the needs of those around them. I'm a church-worker...it is my job, in many people's minds, to meet needs. But the people at the band know very little about my life. They don't know that I'm actually a fairly decent singer but know nothing about John Lennon...they don't know that I can read much more Japanese than the bungled words that I can get out of my mouth...they don't know that I'm a pastor's kid or a good student or someone who's started programs or shut down programs...what they know is that I love them, and that I want to see the good in people, and that I want to help out when I can. And that, for them, is enough.

I don't have to do something for them to love me...I just am my own personality, and it works. So, I misread situations, don't understand their language, disregard their religion, am out of their lives more than I'm in them, and bungle touchdown passes :)...but at the end of the day (or beginning of the day, for New Year's), Aya hugs me and says, "It was fun! We'll be waiting for your next visit." Kumi simply hugs me tight and smiles. Sing says, "I'll be thinking about you...I love you." Not in a romantic, scary sort of way, but very different...and the funny thing is that I don't get angry at him...I believe him.

Of course it's not perfect...not really logical. For as much as I try to explain how safe it feels for me there, I think everyone's eyebrows around me just climb higher and higher in the look of, "Oh, my! This young girl is delusional!" People might say, "If they don't really know what you can or can't do, then they don't really know who you are...they're just loving part of you. That's not a real relationship." But I've experienced enough relationships in my life based on what I do that I, for one, am enjoying dearly the time I'm spending in relationship--even half a relationship--with people who don't care what I do and love me for who they know me to be.

I think God gives us many times throughout the day when we can see glimpses of grace. I hope...I believe...that he'll give me another place where I can simply be, when my time here is done. As it is, I love them very much, and am thankful for the grace they show me, even if they don't know that's what it is...