Days of joy, nights of grieving...and all-around healing

So, I knew that it was going to be a tough day last night at 3am when I looked at my schedule and realized that I literally had 10+ hours of straight class today...but actually, it wasn't the lack of sleep that was the problem at all...

First of all, things have been so lovely that I totally blame God for my lack of sleep...yesterday I felt as though I was bouncing for joy all day. God gave me good time in the morning and afternoon with P. and my brother, then an amazing time of Bible study and prayer for one of my group assignments (I love assignments that are Bible study and prayer...hehe:)), then several hours of studying just the way I like it--sitting across from other studious people, and a random chat with Japan people. :) Just the whole thing, and particularly having the Bible study, made me want to just bounce up and down on my toes and say "yay!!" Which I did. Several times. :) And it's hard for me to sleep while bouncing and saying yay.

I woke up today still bouncing, actually, and made it almost all the way through the day perfectly fine...until I got to choir. This was my first main time of being a part of choir since Japan, and for some reason, it just was really hard for me. Part of it was because I've forgotten correct English pronunciation and singing techniques, so I felt ridiculously stupid and juvenile...but also I just felt awful because...there is a huge chunk of me that I simply can't share with people in this country. And that part is the music that there was in Japan. I can't explain or lead people into worship songs in Japanese here...I can't explain how the band's songs are filled with encouragement...I can't say a phrase and get that an understanding smile from anyone. (ok, except maybe P.)...

So, from that time on, it just started to be a grieving night. After choir, I went to my last class that was supposed to be 4 hours long, and it totally shook my entire views on English teaching in general and a teacher's role in particular... What am I aiming for when I teach English? Am I truly looking to uphold someone else's culture, or am I just spreading American ideas? How does a person teach so as to validate culture, teach English, and point to Christ at the same time? So many of the questions about teaching ESOL here are so different from teaching overseas...there are so many more questions of morals and values and ethics that I haven't thought of before...

After class I studied a little, then headed for chapel, but only made it about halfway through chapel before the "I really miss Eric!" thought was simply too much to bear (I've been thinking that at least 5 times a day!)...added to the rest of my grieving through the evening...so I decided to escape and listen to the worship music on my ipod instead.

There's a line from 10th Avenue North's song entitled "Times" that says "I'm so tired of defending what I've become...what have I become?"...

It seems to put words to half of my struggles of grieving and living...I don't know what I've become. I don't know what's good or right. So everything is done with questions, and with thoughts of the past and the future...checking and rechecking to make sure that what I'm doing is correct, but not knowing what the labels "good" and "bad" mean in this culture or society or in my own heart at the moment.

Thankfully, God doesn't leave us there...He never leaves us where we fall, ne? I love the next words:

"You say, 'My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside; it's inbetween.'"

Forty minutes under the stars listening to truth helps with the healing...and with the moving forward. In what direction, I don't know...but it's good. :)