Today was one of those days when I just felt graciously loved. Some of that loving was seen through forgiveness given, some seen through an acceptance of who I am, and some seen by preaching :)...and it's all so good.
One of the things that makes working in a church difficult for me is because there is such a grey line between "failure" and "success." I remember discussing an upcoming event at the first church I was working at here, and just trembling through the entire meeting because of how...disappointed?...upset?...my boss and his wife was with me. They looked as though all I was for them was more work, and that my failure at being a good event coordinator was a burden for them. Trust me, there's nothing quite so uplifting as recognizing that you're hurting the people you've meant to help (please note the sarcasm!). :( Anyway, back to the present...We were supposed to have an English seminar today (now that it's past midnight, it would be at about 8am this morning!), but after our first pool of registrations came in, people started withdrawing registrations rather than adding them! So we started with a doable number of people registered, but by this afternoon we were down to only 1 person! I haven't lost too much time on the whole thing, because God's graciously stopped me from almost all the prepping that I could have done for it...) Anyway, I was definitely trembling inside going down to Sensei's office today to suggest that we should just cancel the seminar, afraid to see the "you've just wasted everyone's time!" look on his face. However, he simply took the one would-be attendee's number, called her, and in a matter of minutes the whole thing was done. I think he may have been relieved. :)
The thing Sensei and I usually work on together the most is worship. For the evening worship times, he sometimes gives a message...often, he just opens himself up fully to where we (hopefully the Holy Spirit, really! :)) are leading, and is not scared to show a need and hunger for God's presence. I love those times, when we're all gathered around in the "prayer room" worshipping, praying, talking, laughing...and he doesn't limit us to those times, but is always asking me to come with him to sing for someone, or bring my guitar somewhere to lead worship songs. I don't count evening worship, or really worship at all, as part of my job really...more like my hobby...but it is a very vital part of how I serve...and he is the one who allows it, rather than trying to make me fit into the normal mode.
Freedom is just plain a hard concept for me. I never assume you can trust someone--when they say they love you, it's usually just to get something, to take more from you...and people will use the, "It's your job!" excuse for as much as it's possibly worth normally...but here, working with these people, it's different.
Sigh...somedays, we're all ready to kill each other. :) Sensei goes into safe mode; Cindy goes into truth-telling, argumentative mode; Lindsey goes into people-busy mode; and I go into ahh-everyone-around-me-isn't-getting-along mode. :) But often, truly, I'm reminded of just how much I'm blessed by these people dearly, and love them dearly. Just wanted to document it. :)
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