Days when I feel not-so-23-years-old...

I can't believe this is still only the first week of class...it feels like this has been going on forever, in some respects. Today was another day that somehow ends up going from 8am to 10pm with seemingly very few breaks...but again, the schedule is actually not the problem. :)

Today it was finally my Cross-cultural outreach class and syllabus that broke me--I at least managed to wait until almost everyone was out of the room before crying for a good 45 minutes. For a 400 level course there was nothing out of the ordinary expected of us...but I just can't do all of the writing and service learning and all of the things that are only supposed to take me 30 minutes a day and instead take me hours... I'm used to turning in a paper and knowing that it's good, or taking a test and knowing that I passed. I'm not used to simply shrugging and saying, "It was the best I could do...and I don't know if it's good enough."...Sigh.

Even more than the assignments and expectations though was the vocabulary of the course itself. For some reason, we seem to equate missions with "going" and "doing" and "learning" and "serving"...never just sitting and being filled by God. Even the questions based on the Bible tonight were "doing" questions rather than resting questions, and while it could just be the time of life I'm in right now, it seemed that we needed more emphasis on what God does through us rather than what we can do for God. This is, of course, offered in the humble opinion of a 23-year-old who is still a student. :)

What the "doing" questions really make me think about, however, is not necessarily doing missions. It makes me question all of my reasons for wanting or not wanting to be a DCO in the first place, and it makes me want to throw off all of these DCO expectations that I seem to have and focus on something that I love for once...like literature, for example. Why can I never seem to take a literature class?!?! Why does God have me going down this path that does not seem to fit with my focus or passion...

Well, it does fit in my mind. And apparently it does in some others' minds as well...I had a discussion earlier in the week about the difference between "inreach" and "outreach," and the conclusion that was reached was that they are all part of the same thing. How do I go about explaining that to profs and others who just want to "do"?

But, as is always the case, God is really nice to me. After crying in the ladies' bathroom after class, feeling like I was about 6 years old, I wandered outside and ran into a guy I knew from cross-country...he is no longer a student, really, but is sometimes around campus, and is the only guy who offers safe hugs in my mind... After biking past me without me noticing him, he turned his bike around and came to ask me how class had gone, tell me goodnight, and offer me a hug.
Then, after walking around for awhile to ensure that my eyes were not really shockingly red any longer, I headed into the common area for studying and found another guy that I've been studying with who said, "It's like a sense...I thought you were coming..."

Provisions...people...a place here...a sense that even though I'm 23 and just don't have it all together, it really will be ok. :)

So we made it through another day...by the grace of God...which, I suppose, is the way to go. :)

Days of joy, nights of grieving...and all-around healing

So, I knew that it was going to be a tough day last night at 3am when I looked at my schedule and realized that I literally had 10+ hours of straight class today...but actually, it wasn't the lack of sleep that was the problem at all...

First of all, things have been so lovely that I totally blame God for my lack of sleep...yesterday I felt as though I was bouncing for joy all day. God gave me good time in the morning and afternoon with P. and my brother, then an amazing time of Bible study and prayer for one of my group assignments (I love assignments that are Bible study and prayer...hehe:)), then several hours of studying just the way I like it--sitting across from other studious people, and a random chat with Japan people. :) Just the whole thing, and particularly having the Bible study, made me want to just bounce up and down on my toes and say "yay!!" Which I did. Several times. :) And it's hard for me to sleep while bouncing and saying yay.

I woke up today still bouncing, actually, and made it almost all the way through the day perfectly fine...until I got to choir. This was my first main time of being a part of choir since Japan, and for some reason, it just was really hard for me. Part of it was because I've forgotten correct English pronunciation and singing techniques, so I felt ridiculously stupid and juvenile...but also I just felt awful because...there is a huge chunk of me that I simply can't share with people in this country. And that part is the music that there was in Japan. I can't explain or lead people into worship songs in Japanese here...I can't explain how the band's songs are filled with encouragement...I can't say a phrase and get that an understanding smile from anyone. (ok, except maybe P.)...

So, from that time on, it just started to be a grieving night. After choir, I went to my last class that was supposed to be 4 hours long, and it totally shook my entire views on English teaching in general and a teacher's role in particular... What am I aiming for when I teach English? Am I truly looking to uphold someone else's culture, or am I just spreading American ideas? How does a person teach so as to validate culture, teach English, and point to Christ at the same time? So many of the questions about teaching ESOL here are so different from teaching overseas...there are so many more questions of morals and values and ethics that I haven't thought of before...

After class I studied a little, then headed for chapel, but only made it about halfway through chapel before the "I really miss Eric!" thought was simply too much to bear (I've been thinking that at least 5 times a day!)...added to the rest of my grieving through the evening...so I decided to escape and listen to the worship music on my ipod instead.

There's a line from 10th Avenue North's song entitled "Times" that says "I'm so tired of defending what I've become...what have I become?"...

It seems to put words to half of my struggles of grieving and living...I don't know what I've become. I don't know what's good or right. So everything is done with questions, and with thoughts of the past and the future...checking and rechecking to make sure that what I'm doing is correct, but not knowing what the labels "good" and "bad" mean in this culture or society or in my own heart at the moment.

Thankfully, God doesn't leave us there...He never leaves us where we fall, ne? I love the next words:

"You say, 'My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside; it's inbetween.'"

Forty minutes under the stars listening to truth helps with the healing...and with the moving forward. In what direction, I don't know...but it's good. :)

First "full" day of another new life...

For some reason, I've been in high "ministry mode" ever since God kicked me into gear last Sunday, and so it's been a week of craziness--not with classes really, but with seeing opportunities for ministry and opportunities to be intentional. Let's just say that even though today was really my first "real" day of regular schedules and classes, I could have possibly set up around 20 hours of work for myself every week in jobs, initiated the beginnings of a campus outreach/prayer group, already have ideas of how to change campus ministry a little, sat at tables and bugged multiple freshman into talking, and have already discovered how to be involved in ministry off-campus...

Oy.

I feel a little like the energizer bunny, knowing that at some point, the crash will come. :)

But it's all good stuff...for example, between my classes and job interviews today I ended up meeting a former missionary and fellow student who just happened to be in town for a two-hour lunch and discussion of cultural stories, the church, etc. I went for a run and tried to connect with some of the athletes or people who live in that section of campus... :) Then did some homework and went to dinner at six, fully intending to be back in my room by 6:45pm to do more homework...yeah. I finally got back around 8:30 after an amazingly wonderful discussion with a guy who likes philosophy and missions (yay!!). Since all of my discussions at the band in Japan and with my other students, I have felt like I need a background in philosophy, and the discussion tonight was more informative than all of the thinking/trying to be philosophical than I have ever done by myself...and I felt...not old. :) Which I feel a lot here. :) Anyway, so I was encouraged.

Then, since I had had that entire discussion in sweaty running clothes, I came back to my room, hopped in the shower, and ran out of my room to the chapel, where there was a gathering tonight...and proceeded to have another long discussion with another guy. Whereas all my earlier discussions during the day were theoretical or had some job-related aspect to them, this discussion was completely relational...and totally shut me down.

I've been really surprised at what has shut me down and what hasn't...tonight the questions were very simple, like "what do you like to do for fun?" I just froze, unable to come up with an answer...finally getting out a half-hearted "I like running...and music." The rest of the discussion was kind of like that...me dodging and fighting myself to remain in the conversation at all, and him trying to be friendly. Finally I just said, "I'm not looking for any interpersonal relationships at this time." How strange is that? I can be completely intentional about who I talk to all day, reach out to strangers, etc. etc....but I can't have any interpersonal relationships???...outside of ministry, that is.

Sigh. Have I always been like this? Is this just Japan? Is this me running away from friendships that are good and trying to supplant them with work, or am I simply living as "nomadically" as God has apparently called me to live...?

ups and downs and a kick in the pants :)

The last few days have been some of the most intense ups-and-downs since I left Japan...re-living feelings like, "I want to go hide in a cave for the rest of my life!" and then suddenly switching over to "I'm so lonely!"...my heart aching as I've been packing for college, with my mind realizing that I was going to be heading up to CSP and the rest of me not quite grasping the fact that I wasn't packing to head back to Japan. Seeing old friends and dear sisters at K. and J.'s wedding and traveling across country with Cindy somehow seriously switched my life-view to Japan rather than America...it was like suddenly I was caught in this cycle of grasping for everyone, knowing that the grasping was wrong, and pushing everyone away, and knowing that pushing everyone away was wrong...oy!

Anyway, I moved in last night up here at school, and besides random computer issues, things are fine...God-given time, to say the least. I was planning on joining up with P today and heading to a Japanese church, but after an hour of trying to figure out google map routes and metro transit trips and books for classes that I needed to know by noon today...I finally found myself sighing in frustration and saying, "God, why won't these schedules work out?!!?" The answer I got was very unlike the way I normally hear God--but it was such a loud "BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING! I've given you a whole campus with a church service here and people to connect with..." that I was left sighing and saying, "Ok, ok, I got it!" :)

So, because I wasn't going to be wandering around the cities, I got up for some time with my coffee, the blessings book, and a Bible before the 10am service...and it was good. A few days ago, when I finally gave in to the inner turmoil and posted a complaint about the transience of life on facebook, Linds responded with the rhetorical question, "For Christians, what's not eternal?"...and the first blessing that I opened up with today was a blessing for a legacy that goes on after our deaths...I've been mulling over Linds' words in my head, and the blessing also was such a good reminder that I'm not here for the moment, but am part of a bigger story that God is writing. Logically, I know that if Paul would have stayed in Athens, he would have missed seeing God's blessings in other places as he traveled...and even though there is still pain at separation and loss in some respects, I was very reminded of the fact that Japan is but a small piece of a huge "book of Acts"...

Time with God also helped open my eyes to a few other things as well. God needs to use me here. I've just had almost three years of living in intense Christian community...something that these young adults haven't necessarily experienced...there have been battles with spiritual darkness...that maybe those around me now have tried to explain away or simply ignore. Don't get me wrong--there is much in this community that can be feeding for me also...but "getting through the year" and avoiding relationships that will once again be torn and cause pain in the end because of the transient nature of life that God's called me to (apparently) is an approach that neither brings growth or praise...

So, back to the books. Back to The Book...back to prayers like, "God, please orchestrate my day and my relationships and my times of rest and times of work...just orchestrate it all..."

Sigh. I still miss...still...

But it's good.

"All replete with very me"...

One of my favorite authors has always been Madeline L'Engle...her books delight my post-modern, dreamy, literary soul and challenge my thoughts on science, religion, and the world in general. She contains quotes as wise and old as the one above--I'm "all replete with very me"--and also simple statements of things that I find my heart questioning no matter how matter how old I am and how much I feel that I've grown. Having just returned from a few weeks of travel with the family, during which time we drove through 9 states, I've had the chance to read several of her books lately. :)

It was funny, but the books I read and the thoughts and questions and experiences we all had traveling in some ways mirrored each other. We visited Los Alamos, NM, to see my sister and her family. It is, in my impression, one of the most ghastly, intelligent, guilt-laden cities I have ever visited. The nuclear bomb was invented in the city, and other inventions still go on...to this day, parts of the city are bordered by security stations, and the general feel in the city is one of a hidden population of some of the most brilliant minds America knows. The whole thing reminds me, in some respects, of the Tower of Babel. Amazing intelligence working together creates...any guesses, Ladies and Gentlemen? No, not health. No, not world peace. No, not a superior culture or nation. No, it doesn't eliminate poverty or hunger or abuse or slavery or crime...

It creates death. The ability to, in a second, snuff life out of the person living next to you, or in the next state, or in the next country, or on the other side of the world.

And even though I KNOW that many people say sending the nuclear bomb to Japan was actually good, because it prevented more people from being killed in long, drawn-out fighting, seeing the cold clear truth that the wisdom of the world and brilliant minds teach us how to kill and take and x out others is simply ghastly.

And it leads me back to L'Engle, and the "all replete with very me" that I often feel inside myself... There is so much that is ugly and wrong and sinful inside. To often, clutching onto my idea of self, I fight to survive (and so often that survival is by killing others around me...).

On the flip side, however, there are other L'Engle quotes: "He makes me feel the most real," and "When are you the most you?"

Simple language, simple questions, but for a person who is in the business of finding meaning in life and death, words that echo deep questions hidden inside. What does it mean to feel real? How do you become "real"? And, maybe the most important for me, when I know that I am "all replete with very me," is it ok to try to be real?

Maybe they are all questions that should have been dealt with in the teenage years of life formation and searching...all I know is that since Japan, there are many things that should have touched me, moved me to tears, and they don't. Churches cause me to put up 6 layers of protective armor that enables me to hide emotion. But these books...move me to tears and fill me with such a longing that I know I am missing something, searching for something, grieving something. Maybe that is strange to say. I don't know.

Connecting with random people on the trip? Really good. Reconnecting with family and old relationships? I'm still clueless. Learning about healing and spending time with a church in Texas? Was often forced, but still a good learning experience for me to go through. Hanging out with my family as we traveled? Much fun. But mostly...there was a longing to be known, a longing to be real to someone...even as the evils and ghastliness of humanity was brought to light, there was a need to see and feel...love.

In her books L'Engle often states that to be real, a person must lose himself or herself. I don't know exactly what theology it is, or what she is thinking...but maybe it is that that I am looking for.

July's prayer

God, let me not reject your gifts,

Hold my heart from your good way,

And when the sacrifice is your will,

Those gifts, before you, help me lay.

In between worlds

Orange, sizzling across the sky

Fire sinks into cool blue water

Soft pink hues marking the trail

Of the sun as it slips into the sea.

Brilliance of color, breathtaking light

Dazzling radiance fills the view

Yet shift just a moment, turn but a little

A new landscape appears.

Greys shifting to blues, to shadows above,

Tiny pin-pricks of light, a cresent-shaped glow

Calm, and mystery marked by the darkness

A quiet night comes on tip-toe

I stand alone, with a foot in each land,

My face to the grey, brilliant colors to my back

An infinite moment of time and space

Two worlds colliding around me.

Some are of the darkness, some of the light

But neither of these lands are mine to dwell

Yet maybe only the traveler is blessed to see

And walk in the beauty that's inbetween.