Attempt at clarity

Wait! I should clarify the whole "hiding behind a personality test" comment... Mercy people tend to struggle with words and relational changes. :) Note I put the weakness with words first, because I can barely make sense of anything I wrote in the last post. :)

Half-processing times of change...

I've neglected this blog quite sadly this week, but that has mostly been because of a lack of time, not from a lack of wanting to write...

In reality, this week has just involved crazy relationship changes...Atsush, kinda like my brother, is moving to Tokyo...I had a nightmare that is actually based in reality, and a good dream that's really not based in reality at all...we're meeting the new missionaries and everyone in Tokyo in a few days and will be trying to figure out again what community looks like outside of Niigata...

Even though it may seem like hiding behind a title/personality test, I hate change of relationships. Other things, like moving, or new schedules, or randomness, I can handle...but relationship changes always make me want to curl up on the floor in a ball and cry.

I can't explain how confusing it feels sometimes to relate to someone as a normal friend, or as a coworker...it's funny the things that become confusing when you live here! I remember when I was home this summer too, thinking to myself, "She (another person I was with) is a good friend, and she has connected with me by email and everything while I've been gone...why can I not open up and talk with her now?!" It's like you lose the boundaries that are "normal" in relationships, and I don't really know what's normal and what's not anymore...and I can only manage either "clingy" or "distant"...does that make sense?

So I'll go to Tokyo and stumble around a little bit, trying to figure out the balance between good friends, coworkers, family, and new relationships...hopefully catch some time with the band :), and probably come back to Niigata reminded again of how much I love Tokyo dearly...

As a random note, the garbage truck just came by singing, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go..." :)

And with that, I need to go to church...this was very random, sorry. :)

Evening bath time...

"Do you know how people do something bad, and then think, 'I won't do that again!', but in reality they soon commit the same sin again?" (a very loose translation of my pastor's words last night...)

The others of us in the room (Cindy, me, and another girl who isn't yet baptized) were all sitting there nodding. We were curled up on the floor of what has been deemed the "prayer room," where we have worship and prayer times twice a week from 9:15pm-10pm. Before we began offering the two worship times, Sensei (my pastor...sorry, the Japanese "sensei" is just engrained in me!) asked if he could also give a short message during that time. Cindy and I were a little hesitant to approve, because we'd originally wanted to offer the times as simply worship and prayer in God's presence...not more learning, but a little more experiential and peaceful...but in the end said, "Sure! Go ahead!" And I'm so glad that he was inspired/that we said yes...

I'll admit that we're all still learning what those times look like, and sometimes I know it has to be anything but worship done by angel choirs...I'll be stumbling through some new Japanese worship song I found, and others will be trying to follow along as best they can, and the sound we make maybe equals other-worldly, but not so beautiful. :) We don't really have a set structure, so some days there is prayer and some days not, and some days a message and some days not...

But I was reflecting last night, as Sensei spoke about confession, forgiveness, and freedom based on Psalm 51, that we are so incredibly blessed to have these times. And so often lately it seems like God uses the words of Sensei's simple message to hit my heart, and almost everytime he finishes speaking, I want to say something like, "God is so good!" or "Isn't salvation so amazing?!" :) Truly, it is being taught so that we can respond with praise...

Yay for God's blessing on pastors who teach with love and joy...yay for times to be reminded again and again, with different word pictures, about how great our God really is...

Another church member who comes to the evening worship times says that it's like a hot bath...you think, "Blah, I'm tired, I don't want to get a bath tonight!" but then you get into the warmth and realize, "Ahh...this is exactly what I needed!" She says it's the same way with worship...by evening, she is tired and ready to go to bed...but upon entering the time of prayer and worship, she's wrapped in the warmth of God's presence and the community of believers and realizes, "Ahhh...this is exactly what I needed!"

My God is Mighty to Save...

So, it's currently cold season in Niigata...and I don't mean chilly, I mean coughs and sniffles and the like. :( Since Sunday I've been wandering around with a sore throat and I think I'm finally giving in to the runny nose and cough too...blah!

A person doesn't realize quite how much singing or talking he or she really does until you're suddenly without a voice. :( Teaching is definitely a profession where having a voice is rather important, and I do SOOOO much singing every week...however, singing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes" yesterday at the kindergarten produced a sound somewhere between a bullfrog and a squawking parrot...interesting! (Thankfully, my 3-year-olds didn't mind at all. :))

While I wouldn't recommend adopting a cold, I have been struck by how much more listening I've been doing rather than singing. Usually, if a song is on, I'm singing along, or humming along, or something along those lines...now I'm mouthing the words, but not even really trying to get out a sound and am forced to hear, loud and clear, the words and message behind the melody.

It's always useful to shut up and listen for awhile, isn't it? :)

I've been listening to Hillsong's "Mighty to Save" song over and over since last night, and have been struck by the blatant, confident words:

"Savior, He can move a mountain. My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."

Over and over, "He is mighty to save..." It makes me stop, give myself a palm-to-forehead smack, and be reminded how often I go through the days thinking, "What can I save?" rather than thinking about the true Savior.

We've been talking about spiritual gifts in my Wednesday morning class (there's a whole story behind how that started, but that's another time), and I've labelled myself and been labelled by others as a "mercy" person. A mercy person, just to give a quick definition, is driven by people's needs. Mercy people go through life driven by seeing pain and sorrow, hunger, etc., and try to figure out how to heal, help, and provide. Ask me about truth, and I don't have so much to say. Ask me about pain and love and God's presence in human life, and I have a lot to say...

Anyway, the main point is that it's easy...so easy!!...for me to run around thinking that I'm the savior...because that is part of my job, my calling--to help "save" people. But I can't actually do the job--and Jesus did the ultimate saving--and sometimes I just need to remember that while saving is my calling it is God's CHARACTER...the essence of who He is. Love, saving grace, strength and power that is unmatched...this is my God.

When I think of that, I just want to sit and curl up and cry...with relief, because it frees me...with shame, because of how often I try to solve things without going to the real Savior...with the sorrow of knowing that right now, I am separated from my Savior and see Him as "in a mirror"...sometimes the longing "to see face to face" is so strong!!!

Ok, and maybe some of the curling up and wanting to cry has to do with the fact that I'm sick and want to go to bed. :) But really, leave it to God to give you good listening even when you can't sing and feel miserable...it is good.

Anyway, I'd recommend hitting up the song on youtube at least...and taking a moment to bask in the fact that God truly is "mighty to save"...

Invitations to Bible study...

So, I'm going to copy Pamela and just give this all in conversation format, because it really is funny...

I'm with one of my classes, which is composed of three middle-aged ladies and one younger guy who is around my age. We have a good time teasing the younger guy, of course, and he plays the part of class clown with much chivalry and hilarity. Anyway, this was a conversation we had in class this last week during our tea break:

Lady 1: How many classes do you have here?
Me: I don't really know.
Lady 2 (pulling out schedule): Here, let's count...around 25? Wow! That's a lot!
Me: Well, we have around 100 students.
Ladies (in unison): Wow!
Boy (who looks slightly clueless, grabbing the class schedule sheet): Hey, where did you get that schedule of classes?
Lady 1 (looking very motherly): It's right downstairs...
Boy (looking at schedule): Hey, maybe I'll join the Saturday Bible study!

- Short break while the entire class (including me, sad to say) stares at him in surprise. -

Lady 1: You should! It would be good practice!
Lady 2: Can anyone come to Bible study?
Me: Yes, you're very welcome to come.
Lady 1: Is it a very positive experience to come to Bible study, do you think?
Me: Well, I think so. You know, we are here teaching English, but we also want to share what we know about Jesus' love and peace with people. So I think coming to Bible study is very good!
Lady 2 (talking to the boy): Well, you should go!
Lady 3: It will be good practice for you!
Lady 1: Yes, you definitely should go to Bible study!
Lady 2: And then come back and tell us what it's like!

At this point, my poor young guy who didn't expect to get such support from his classmates, blushes and tells me, "Ok then, I'll come to Bible study tomorrow."

And that, folks, is how God uses non-Christians to invite non-Christians to Bible study. Hehe. :)

From becoming a hermit to playing hostess...the things we do by God's grace!

So, it's not a surprise to many people who know me when I say things like, "I just need a cave to curl up in for awhile!" or "I'm really going to become a hermit...promise!" Lindsey, poor girl, has simply gotten accustomed to me walking in the house and saying something like, "If I don't go into my room and shut the door for a couple of hours, I'm going to bite the head off the next person who speaks to me!"

Many times the wanting-to-bite-heads-off feeling doesn't happen because someone intentionally did something upsetting, but is simply because I'm surrounded by people and conversation quite a bit...and for an introvert, that's difficult in and of itself. A younger guy from Shirone summed it up well in a conversation we had once:

Him: "How was work today?"
Me: "Fine."
Him: "You must be tired. That's hard work."
Me: "Not so tired...it's not so hard. You work two jobs! I'm not half as busy as you!"
Him: "Yeah, but you have to talk to people all day, whether you want to or not."

Anyway, when I lived in Shirone, introversion was not something encouraged, understood, or looked upon in any good light whatsoever...and it's just become natural for me, in some respects, to look at the calendar, see an open day, and plan some kind of event or gathering with people (A year and a half in Shirone taught me that if I didn't plan something, someone else would!).

Anyway, this weekend has been one of those weekends...where there is nothing really special going on, yet I have been constantly biting back frustrated words and retorts when people speak to me and have been dearly in need of some alone time...and in the midst of it all, because there was nothing special planned today after church, Lindsey and I decided to host an Italian dinner party for young women. All week I have been complaining to God a little bit about it, "Why do You let me plan these things!?! I know I don't have to, but these party invitations just come out of my mouth before I can stop them...and I don't want to see people!"

So tonight there were 7 of us gathered around the table, eating, drinking, talking, and playing games...a not-so-normal mix of girls, really. Yet somehow, Lindsey was able to cook amazing food...and somehow, the girls were able to eat, relax and connect with each other. And somehow, during the evening, one who is not a Christian but is studying the Bible, suggested to another girl that maybe she might like studying the Bible. And somehow another girl, who is a Christian, invited a girl to come to Sunday worship, to which the girl replied, "I've been thinking about coming! Maybe I'll see you there!"

I think I know the "how" behind all of those "somehow"'s.

*Happy dance...then, remembering my attitude of the week, a blush of shame*

I know that it's dangerous to just go crazy planning events and things, but sometimes God has ideas for people that I know nothing about...(ok, sometimes?!?! all the time, actually. :)) And often, I'm amazed at how He'll take the thing that I feel the weakest at (hostessing, people, relationships...blah...) and use that for channels to spread His glory and the knowledge of His Son.

How many times has that rung true: "[God's] power is made perfect in weakness"? At least one more time today. :) Praise God for His grace...

Walking in the dark...alone

I've been thinking for several days about trying to post reflections of the last week, but seem to be quite wordless when it comes down to it...so will attempt to sum up some random thoughts of the last couple of days before I crawl into bed here.

Maybe it's because I was homeschooled...I'm not sure why...but I always try to explain to my students why I am leading them through the exercises that we're doing in class. I try to encourage them to have a hand in what they are learning and how they are learning it, and often will stop the class to process about an activity that we finished... Anyway, because of this, activities that are planned to go only 30 min. sometimes go for an hour, and my classes are just accustomed to working off of activities more than textbooks.

Last week during my Friday night class, we were studying a newspaper story in the textbook, and so I decided that this week I would steal Cindy's idea and have a "Current Events" sharing time at the end of the class...ok, well...it turned out to be the whole class time. The students all tried to remember recent news-stories, and they discussed them in groups using English, and then we chose two stories to discuss as a large group. I was facinated by the news that they chose to share...stories of murder were written up on the board right beside "Russel Crowe Gains 25 Kg," and rice poisoning was right next to stories of American politics. The story that the class chose to talk about first though, was the story of an arson that happened in Oosaka recently. The fire apparently happened in a small room that can be rented out and used to watch movies...or as a cheap place to spend the night for business men or homeless people. The fire was lit by a man who was known for odd behavior, and because 15 people died, it is highly likely that the arsonist will be given the death penalty.

I asked my students their opinions about the motives the arsonist must have had, and one lady said very bluntly, "I think the man was lonely. Many people now are looking for good relationships, but they can't find any...so they do crazy things and do not care about any penalty, etc."

Loneliness. The woman's answer shocked me a little. I can picture killing people out of anger, or out of fear, or out of greed...but out of loneliness? Doesn't that seem a little odd?

In America, I never really pictured loneliness as something so severe...yes, in fairy tales people die of broken hearts, but those are only stories, right? But, as I also shared with my students as we talked about this incident, loneliness in Japan just seems a little different. I will be walking down the street, and catch someone's eye, and suddenly feel a stab of pain. A new student can walk into the church and ask about classes, and he or she can have a smile the entire time, but for some reason I will sometimes feel an ache for them I can't explain...

I've given up trying to analyze it, and now simply try to reach out and connect with more or pray for those who make the "pain signal" go off inside of me... But now I find myself thinking of my student's answer--"loneliness"--and I think what sets it off, so often, is the look of loneliness that I see either in their eyes or just in the way they walk.

This country is so rich and healthy in some respects...and so, incredibly dark and painful in others.

I'm not going to leave you with that dark thought though. :)

Yesterday I was reflecting on 1 John, where it says, "God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all." The Bible goes on to say that if we are in the light, we have fellowship with each other and the blood of Christ purifies us... I was thinking about that idea of walking out our lives surrounded by light--God's very presence and essence. He's not walking beside us, behind us, ahead of us...we are walking inside of Him! How's that for a close relationship?! And then that very Light draws us into relationship with one another as well...

You don't have to be living in the dark. And you don't have to be living life alone. There is light, and there is a relationship with God that is closer than we can fully grasp...and relationships with each other as brothers and sisters...

There's a song that we've been singing here recently, and part of it goes like this:
よの光なるイエス様、愛の光で、わたしをつつみ、暗い心を照らして下さい。
The translation is something like, "Jesus, God of light, wrap me with the light of love, and please shine on my darkened heart." A prayer that fits for us, yes, but one that I also would ask you to pray for so many others too...