Standing on the doorstep...

Mailed two signed contracts off to Japan today, and suddenly realized that I will need plane tickets soon! Last night I was so excited--today I feel already the steeling of my heart and the alone-ness of journeying that feels so familiar, and so painful. The questions abound: why does God create us for relationship if our relationships will always be broken? Why does He call us to trust each other, when we are all so untrustworthy? Why can I not simply live in a cave and not relate to the world? Can I ever get away from fear and pain in relationships? How can I let His love fill me and get my own fears and desires out of the way?

And finally, simply, selfishly, and childishly...how much will this new journey and uprooting and moving hurt?

Prayers, friends, please...I should have expected this--did expect it, I guess. But I still don't know the answer to the questions...only know to walk and pray that God carries me when my own fear and hurt paralyzes me and I'm unable to move forward...and I know that He does.

There is joy and peace and new lessons and love along the way...I know that. It is truth, not logic or feeling...simply truth.

I hate the murkiness of the glass, the separation, the darkness!!!! When can we see face to face, be fully known?...how much I long for that!!

Moments

Living with three girls who identify themselves with disney princesses this year up at school has taught me a lot about different disney stories and songs. I find myself singing Aladdin at random intervals throughout the day on a regular basis, and when all of us girls get together we randomly talk about dresses, shoes, princes, and the like. :) The funny thing about Disney movies is that there is always a moment in them--the moment that the prince rescues the princess and all is certainly well...the moment when torn and dirty rags are turned into beautiful evening gowns, and magic is in the air...the moment when somehow, by reaching deep down, the heroine or hero finds the power to succeed. The viewer of the movie can usually tell when a moment is coming because of the music, which builds to a climactic point...

Anyway, enough about disney. :)

I walked into class today and my professor started talking about how God gives us moments and wants us to enjoy them. They are not the disney-style moments accompanied by stringed instruments necessarily...but they are moments of peace, joy, love...blessing. My professor went on to read from Tolkien's Return of the King...the moment when Sam and Frodo are in the darkness of Mordor, and Sam looks up and finds one bright star shimmering above the heavy clouds and oppression. The bright star was a moment--a time of peace, of hope...in the midst of darkness, light and joy.

I was struck by that, because I've been thinking of "normal" moments of blessing all weekend...so here are a few in an attempt to document and give praise for them...snapshots of joy and love:

- Three friends gathered around a bowl of popcorn drizzled with honey and butter...
- Ben's face as he watches the people around him sing...
- Being woken up by the whining of Shep and seeing the sunrise in my pajamas and a blanket...
- Honest conversations that communicate trust and grace better than any disney song... :)
- Seeing countless stars that proclaim God's faithfulness...
- The daily conversation of a family...
- Hanging laundry together and cutting garlic...
- Experiencing failure together...loving, gentle competition...off-key music and laughter...

I wish I was a poet, so I could communicate not only these scenes or snapshots but the smile that stretches all the way across my soul in these moments of life...truly, salvation and grace and love are not things that are separate from the human existence...not just things that come to us through moments of romance, finery, or perfection...but things that are captured in countless moments of living that are scattered through each of our physical steps...and I am so thankful for the blessings of each moment.

Waiting

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Because of daylight savings time, when I rolled out of bed at 6:15am on Wednesday morning this week to run it was pitch-black outside. I stumbled down to the exercise room with my ipod, squinting against the fake light in the stairwell, and settled down to run with some Chris Tomlin music. The exericse room is set up so those running or using the machines can mostly face several big windows looking outside, and it is just possible to see the sky above some of the surrounding buildings. I ran for a few minutes before the song "Everlasting God" came on (the song above), and in those few minutes I was struck by the change from darkness to light as the sunrise started to peak above the surrounding buildings.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

And maybe because it is Lent, I thought of the darkness and horrible grimness of death and a cold tomb...I thought of being sealed in despair...and then I thought of the rising light as light pouring into the tomb through the cracks as the stone is rolled away, death is defeated, and life and light become the reality again... The darkness of the tomb...the light and new life--such different pictures! Yet God is present in both, and His character doesn't change in the dark...in fact, the darkness of the tomb is what brought life to us...

Last post I talked about the haziness of the future...maybe the joy I felt in watching the sunrise came from the knowledge that no matter how unclear my future is right now, God brings light, strength, direction, joy...

I feel like this transition period of my life is one of waiting with baited breath and awe to see Him direct the sunrise over this next season...

For Thee the hammer holds...

"So dream a little dream for me, in hopes that I'll remain,
And cry a little, cry for me, so I can bear the flame,
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold,
My dreams are not the issue here, for thee the hammer holds."

About a month ago I was introduced to Bebo Norman's "The Hammer Holds." For those of you who haven't heard the song, check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKS4UQ7xev4&feature=fvst. It is a song that has been echoing through my head ever since I heard it, because it is so clearly a song of calling, of growing, of crying and stretching and pain and beauty...I was especially convicted by the last line in the chorus: "My dreams are not the issue here, for thee the hammer holds." God has given me so many dreams and blessings. My time at Nozomi was totally a time of living miracles and seeing dreams turn into reality, and I've been walking down a path of real-life dreams the last couple of months.

Everything is coming together for the Fukushima English school, working with Nomura-sensei and Cindy again, seeing people that I love dearly...we have an apartment, a class schedule, the beginnings of a website, and probably crazy-scattered ideas about harmony, truth, love, and joy and how all of those themes can combine into a good English curriculum. :) Through all of it though, the sentence that has started to roll through my head again and again is simply "my dreams are not the issue, for thee the hammer holds." What will it look like--this English school partnership? This decision to come back to Japan has not been made easily. I know that it will be different from Nozomi. I realize that again I am entering a world of living as a kindergartner, with limited vocab and the high stress of not knowing anything and feeling like a failure at everything. Relationships with church members, with students...times of music and prayer...new commutes and new materials...it is all something hazy that I know is up ahead and that has been breaking into my American reality ever since last June, really. :)

One would think that something that's been hazy for almost 10 months would be starting to have a clearer picture. :) No, no...only more confusion. There is so much haze that the only thing certain now is the need to pray. Besides the haze of the future, there is also the haze of the present. Eric's name has come up every so often on this blog...this last week we had discussions like, "What would you think about teaching in Fukushima at a conversation school? Some different company? Can we actually be near each other in the future...?" The more we talk about these things, and the more that I spend time with him, I more sure I am about what kinds of dreams I have in that regard...but again, my dreams aren't the issue here, because God holds the hammer.

In some ways, it is so reassuring. There is so much I might want to manipulate--good jobs and incomes and schedules in Fukushima for Cindy and Eric and I. But we don't even know if we'll have students, let alone finances and good schedules. :) It has to be God opening doors and showing us opportunities...

What if He doesn't bring enough students for Cindy and I? What if He doesn't open up a job for Eric? What if time and distance separate me even more from my family and friends and make me unfit for any reality? What if I simply break down, become crazy, and end up in a psych ward?..."My dreams are not the issue here, for thee the hammer holds"...

It's good...and so much in need of prayer and listening...one last song to sum up the plea of this time:

Take oh, take me as I am
Summon out what I shall be
Set your Spirit in my heart
And live in me...

And it begins...

I was just checking my email before sliding into bed (since it is well into the am here) when it dawned on me, "I haven't checked that one syllabus for my Thursday night class yet."

Since class starts next Wednesday, I didn't think that it was so dire for me to check my syllabi yet, but lo and behold upon opening the syllabus I learned that I have one book, another 200 or so pages in another book, and written answers to several questions all due next Thursday night for our first Thursday night class period. Ugh. Double ugh.

So my (hopefully) last semester as an undergrad student begins. Or will begin. Or apparently began, and I'm already behind. :( Blah...

While talking with Eric and Brian tonight, we discussed several different versions of reality...one topic we discussed was time, and how as humans we chaff against the constraints that time places on us. With sentences like, "Time sure flies," or "There simply isn't enough time in a day!" we express pain over the fact that we are stuck in this temporal, limited existence--people made by God to experience eternity! Which brings me back to that "seeing through a glass darkly" and the looking forward to seeing face to face and the knowing outside of time that will happen in heaven...

In the meantime, I'll just be scurrying around, trying to cram as many words and concepts and relationships and jobs and life into my head as I possibly can...I know, it's a personal choice, and God will bring times of rest...sigh. I'm going to bed; this will all look more doable in the morning. :)

"Cry out to Jesus"

Since we haven't had any homework/work nagging at us over these last few weeks, it has been awhile since Brian and I have sat down and chatted, so tonight we took the opportunity to sit down for awhile and catch up on life. We have a relationship that was built maybe on desperation and necessity (Brian needed internet, and I needed a friend that I didn't have to talk to :)), so there is a certain level of candidness that we can reach, and processing through some of our earlier discussion during these "wee hours of the morning" has led to a couple aha moments. Of course, they may not truly be so "aha!"-ish, but go easy on a tired brain here... :)

The brilliant realization is (drum roll!) that human beings are flawed right now. This is why I always feel this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when people want to get "too close"...there is absolutely no way that I can hide my flaws from them or hide their flaws from myself. Again and again I have heard things like, "I really appreciate your faith" or "I really appreciate your values" or "Your Christian walk inspires me." But the truth that these guys aren't seeing is that my faith is always going up, down, and all around--rarely is it stable and a "sure thing" that will keep me involved in the religious traditions around me. My values may seem ok, like compassion and honesty and things like that...but in the end, it comes down to valuing myself. Selfishness will trump every time, because that is just the way that my nature operates right now...maybe I am not training it enough? Grrr for this stupid mirror and the fact that the darkness that clouds it comes from not only outside, but inside my very desires and motivations!! Is trusting others even an option? I can't even trust myself and my own heart!!

As I've been reflecting and writing on all of this, the Third Day song entitled "Cry out to Jesus" came up, and since hearing it I've been listening to it again and again...especially the chorus:

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, and love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing, to meet you wherever you are…cry out to Jesus.

And again I am reminded that God's greatest pictures of healing and restoration involved a bloody cross, a woman crying at a grave...and more frequently seen "pictures"--you and I, caught up in torn and wounding relationships that somehow can be healed and blessed by God and bring blessing and joy. I'm still scared...

Cleaning...

Today a few of us spent most of our day helping clean, sort, and throw-away different things belonging to a woman who died recently. It was crazy...I have moved before and have dealt with the emotions involved in sorting and throwing things out, but I have never before witnessed what happens when one person "moves away" before the his or her other half has moved on... The husband of the woman who died struggled as he showed us things that had belonged to his wife. We heard stories, folded clothes, cleaned dirt...and I watched and prayed and sang under my breath songs about peace and light as I was faced with his pain.

There are looks that communicate, without words, a torture of the soul. Separation of loves, of family...I feel almost as though I stepped into a home with a happy relationship and tore out half of that relationship, leaving bleeding veins and broken bones behind...

What do people do who don't have hope past this life? How can they get past the boxes and clothing bags and garbages? How do they get past the tombstone and well-wishers and empty chairs, beds, and rooms at home? I don't think that it is just because I am naive that I find comfort in my faith at this time...

For some reason, the pain today did not make me run from God or from people. I left the house reflecting on how right it seemed to have had a family inside that house and to have a family still, in some respects, through the memories and pictures and traditions. Lives were intertwined there, and that seemed...somehow right. And God blessed them with that time, with that place, with those memories and moments where joy was so obvious that they had to laugh and smile and document it with a picture or something else.

Interesting day...sigh...over and over again, the prayer from 天国にあるもの went through my head, as well as this plea from Holden Evening Prayer:

"God of daybreak, God of shadows, come and light our hearts anew...Mighty God of all creation, gentle Christ, who lights our way, loving Spirit of salvation lead us on to endless day."