Mailed two signed contracts off to Japan today, and suddenly realized that I will need plane tickets soon! Last night I was so excited--today I feel already the steeling of my heart and the alone-ness of journeying that feels so familiar, and so painful. The questions abound: why does God create us for relationship if our relationships will always be broken? Why does He call us to trust each other, when we are all so untrustworthy? Why can I not simply live in a cave and not relate to the world? Can I ever get away from fear and pain in relationships? How can I let His love fill me and get my own fears and desires out of the way?
And finally, simply, selfishly, and childishly...how much will this new journey and uprooting and moving hurt?
Prayers, friends, please...I should have expected this--did expect it, I guess. But I still don't know the answer to the questions...only know to walk and pray that God carries me when my own fear and hurt paralyzes me and I'm unable to move forward...and I know that He does.
There is joy and peace and new lessons and love along the way...I know that. It is truth, not logic or feeling...simply truth.
I hate the murkiness of the glass, the separation, the darkness!!!! When can we see face to face, be fully known?...how much I long for that!!
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