Sigh...

Why do I believe in grace?

Because I so often realize that the greatest evil does not come from outside of me, but from within...

Tonight, rather than eat my dinner, I ended up chatting in a mixture of awful English and Japanese with a guy that a friend introduced me to...the guy was a mathmetician, but apparently he was also somewhat of a philosopher, because I understood him and enjoyed our discussion immensely...

We started talking because he was asking me about a song that I'd written for my friend, who's a guitarist, and this math guy wanted to know the meaning of the song. The song is all about relationships...how most of the time, with people, our relationships are simply messed up. They are either too fake, or too forced; too distant, or too close. Jesus is the only One who gives us love and freedom...a torn curtain and enterance to the presence of the Holy of Holies, but also the freedom to chose to remain outside.

Anyway, so we're sitting at the table talking about this, which led to huge discussions on real love, the crusades, the fact that everyone holds to some belief, no matter what it is...good stuff. Then from dinner we went as a group of 6 to karaoke and sang more, just laughing and hanging out and having a good time.

The problem is that even throughout tonight, even while I was saying those things about love and good relationships through Jesus' strength, I still found myself drawing people to myself, rather than to God. Or at least, wanting to draw them to myself. Grrrrr. I'm not so into quoting old theologians, but Paul's quote I definitely do like: "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death?"

There's a Michelle Branch song that I really like, and the chorus goes something like, "If you want to, I can save you. I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares..." I sing that song at karaoke often, because I love it...and I love it because I live it, actually. There are so many people in this country who desperately are looking for someone who cares, and I so often try to save them myself. Pretty stupid. Ends up pretty messy. Pretty ridiculous...

Anyway, so even though the evening began with a song about good relationships and Jesus' love and salvation, it ended with me and Lindsey lying on our hot carpet in our living room confessing--sometimes with laughter, and sometimes with honest to goodness sorrow and shame--stories of relationships and how messy they can be...

Confession and forgiveness. Learning how to really live on God's power, and not my own, and let Him get glory, and not me...and rest secured in His love, not grasping for others'...note the previous posting on health...yeah. It is healthy...only because in the end, we say, with Paul, "Thanks be to God!"