Sometimes silence is all you can do...

I've thought about typing up this blog post for awhile now, but when you are going through a time of silence, it's hard to put it into words... :)



For some reason (maybe it's just "the grass is always greener on the other side"), I remember days back in the states when it seems like I could communicate well. I distinctly remember passing speech class, for example. :) I remember talking to church members and talking to friends and leading study groups and music rehearsals and multiple things...and then I often stop and ask myself, "is this just me looking at the past through rose-colored glasses?"



The truth of the matter is that communicating in any language here--English or Japanese--is difficult. I communicate better through music than using any other medium, it seems like, and that is not necessarily so intentional (ex. I just had some help figuring out the whole meaning behind a new worship song that I've been leading people in...I had understood about half of it, and it seemed to fit the theme of the week, so I decided to use it...thank goodness, the other half of the meaning that I previously didn't understand seems to also have fit the theme wonderfully...:))

I can tell you step-by-step what happens in my brain most of the time I start speaking in a public situation:
1. Speak half the sentence (or at least a few words), begin a long pause.
2. Suddenly have a billion thoughts come into my head at once and see an entire picture/diagram/proposal that is fairly well-thoughtout but seems to involve a million steps.
3. Struggle over deciding what to choose first or if I can even verbalize quite that many steps.
4. Reflect upon the fact that what I have to say may not be what the other person really wants to spend time listening to...especially if it seems that long.
5. Decide that my brain is slightly overheated and I should just give up.

Sigh. It was funny this summer to go back to America and just begin speaking like normal towards the end of 10 days...not because of language, but simply because I'm unused to regular...speaking. I'm not quite sure why.

Last week, after church, I tried to start a conversation with a church member and they just simply turned away without acknowledging that I said anything...a common occurence here, trust me. That is NOT actually because they don't want to talk to me (I think...I hope...hehe), but simply because...well, living in this country you get it drilled into your head that you're supposed to read the atmosphere, don't intrude or annoy people, etc. So I think most of the time when I address people, I do it in a quiet, is it maybe ok to have a small conversation with you? voice. I don't know. It's like being verbally invisible sometimes...

Anyway, I'm only typing all of this because it is an ongoing struggle for me here, and I get into these random funks where I can do my job and even hang out with people, but it's like speaking and communicating with them takes up all the energy I can muster up.... People say, "Oh, isn't Japanese difficult?!" And I want to say, "Words are difficult! Communication is difficult! Japanese is just...a language." And then I just roll my eyes at God and laugh over the very ironic fact that I'm an English conversation teacher. You know that whole "God's power is made perfect in weakness" idea...yeah. :)