And it begins...

I was just checking my email before sliding into bed (since it is well into the am here) when it dawned on me, "I haven't checked that one syllabus for my Thursday night class yet."

Since class starts next Wednesday, I didn't think that it was so dire for me to check my syllabi yet, but lo and behold upon opening the syllabus I learned that I have one book, another 200 or so pages in another book, and written answers to several questions all due next Thursday night for our first Thursday night class period. Ugh. Double ugh.

So my (hopefully) last semester as an undergrad student begins. Or will begin. Or apparently began, and I'm already behind. :( Blah...

While talking with Eric and Brian tonight, we discussed several different versions of reality...one topic we discussed was time, and how as humans we chaff against the constraints that time places on us. With sentences like, "Time sure flies," or "There simply isn't enough time in a day!" we express pain over the fact that we are stuck in this temporal, limited existence--people made by God to experience eternity! Which brings me back to that "seeing through a glass darkly" and the looking forward to seeing face to face and the knowing outside of time that will happen in heaven...

In the meantime, I'll just be scurrying around, trying to cram as many words and concepts and relationships and jobs and life into my head as I possibly can...I know, it's a personal choice, and God will bring times of rest...sigh. I'm going to bed; this will all look more doable in the morning. :)

"Cry out to Jesus"

Since we haven't had any homework/work nagging at us over these last few weeks, it has been awhile since Brian and I have sat down and chatted, so tonight we took the opportunity to sit down for awhile and catch up on life. We have a relationship that was built maybe on desperation and necessity (Brian needed internet, and I needed a friend that I didn't have to talk to :)), so there is a certain level of candidness that we can reach, and processing through some of our earlier discussion during these "wee hours of the morning" has led to a couple aha moments. Of course, they may not truly be so "aha!"-ish, but go easy on a tired brain here... :)

The brilliant realization is (drum roll!) that human beings are flawed right now. This is why I always feel this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when people want to get "too close"...there is absolutely no way that I can hide my flaws from them or hide their flaws from myself. Again and again I have heard things like, "I really appreciate your faith" or "I really appreciate your values" or "Your Christian walk inspires me." But the truth that these guys aren't seeing is that my faith is always going up, down, and all around--rarely is it stable and a "sure thing" that will keep me involved in the religious traditions around me. My values may seem ok, like compassion and honesty and things like that...but in the end, it comes down to valuing myself. Selfishness will trump every time, because that is just the way that my nature operates right now...maybe I am not training it enough? Grrr for this stupid mirror and the fact that the darkness that clouds it comes from not only outside, but inside my very desires and motivations!! Is trusting others even an option? I can't even trust myself and my own heart!!

As I've been reflecting and writing on all of this, the Third Day song entitled "Cry out to Jesus" came up, and since hearing it I've been listening to it again and again...especially the chorus:

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, and love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing, to meet you wherever you are…cry out to Jesus.

And again I am reminded that God's greatest pictures of healing and restoration involved a bloody cross, a woman crying at a grave...and more frequently seen "pictures"--you and I, caught up in torn and wounding relationships that somehow can be healed and blessed by God and bring blessing and joy. I'm still scared...

Cleaning...

Today a few of us spent most of our day helping clean, sort, and throw-away different things belonging to a woman who died recently. It was crazy...I have moved before and have dealt with the emotions involved in sorting and throwing things out, but I have never before witnessed what happens when one person "moves away" before the his or her other half has moved on... The husband of the woman who died struggled as he showed us things that had belonged to his wife. We heard stories, folded clothes, cleaned dirt...and I watched and prayed and sang under my breath songs about peace and light as I was faced with his pain.

There are looks that communicate, without words, a torture of the soul. Separation of loves, of family...I feel almost as though I stepped into a home with a happy relationship and tore out half of that relationship, leaving bleeding veins and broken bones behind...

What do people do who don't have hope past this life? How can they get past the boxes and clothing bags and garbages? How do they get past the tombstone and well-wishers and empty chairs, beds, and rooms at home? I don't think that it is just because I am naive that I find comfort in my faith at this time...

For some reason, the pain today did not make me run from God or from people. I left the house reflecting on how right it seemed to have had a family inside that house and to have a family still, in some respects, through the memories and pictures and traditions. Lives were intertwined there, and that seemed...somehow right. And God blessed them with that time, with that place, with those memories and moments where joy was so obvious that they had to laugh and smile and document it with a picture or something else.

Interesting day...sigh...over and over again, the prayer from 天国にあるもの went through my head, as well as this plea from Holden Evening Prayer:

"God of daybreak, God of shadows, come and light our hearts anew...Mighty God of all creation, gentle Christ, who lights our way, loving Spirit of salvation lead us on to endless day."