Merry Christmas! Cindy and Lindsey and I just spent a nice, sleepy Christmas Day opening presents, watching movies, giving backrubs, and eating hummus and carrots and Indian curry...mmmm. :) :) :) It hasn't felt so much like Christmas actually this year, because we started celebrating in November, but right now, for the first time today really, I'm sitting down to reflect a bit on Christmas thoughts...
Sometime during the years, I've gotten pretty pessimistic about people's love. I remember the first guy who told me that he liked me. I think I simply didn't respond at all...and when a second guy told me the same thing some years later, I responded with something like, "Don't say that!!" Most of the time, when people (especially guys) say complimentary things or really big things like, "I love you," it just brings out a streak of anger in me--anger because they are saying something that is so obviously not true. I don't trust them.
This year, we had so many students and other people come to Christmas worship services for the first time...SO many people that God brought in and who were touched by the Christmas message. It was such a blessing to see the people! I wonder, as I reflect on those people, if they have heard "God loves you" before and they've said inside themselves, "Don't say that! It's not true!" Especially during Christmas Eve worship, as I was reading the English Gospel lesson and trying to convey joy and love to the people, I was seeing on people's faces some of the inner struggle...maybe thinking to themselves, "This is a holy place...and they say that God is here...but He couldn't possibly be here to be close to me! What does this Christmas thing really have to do with me anyway?!"
It's really hard to trust. Since Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we've been taught to be distrustful of strangers, be careful and guard against emotional and physical hurts and pains, etc. etc. Bad things and pain and lies are the norm, maybe...love is not so common.
Today, as I was opening some Christmas presents from my family, I opened a book full of blessings/prayers to bless people with...words from the Bible or words about God to remind people's spirits that they are loved and chosen and known by their Father. I opened the book to the first blessing and began to read it to Cindy and Lindsey out loud, but didn't make it through the page before starting to cry. The basic message of the words on the page: "I love you." Like I said before, maybe usually that line would create a sense of anger inside of me... But this "I love you" was coming from my family, from my God...from a place where I could trust. It feels often like in the everyday world, a person is always fighting lies about who they are or who he or she should be, but for just a moment even, I could stop and hear and really believe a message of love that was not manipulative or fake, but trustworthy:..."I made you. I know you. And I love you."
And it makes me think again about the Christmas word Emmanuel--God with us. About how amazing it is that God came down in human form, to show us that He is a crazy, loving, trustworthy God, who never breaks His promises and who will go to the most ridiculous, painful ends to accomplish salvation for His children. I'm reminded again of the struggle on people's faces during Christmas Eve worship, and I find myself praying that they caught enough of the message to know that the whole, "God loves you" thing isn't just a fake...that it is backed up by the presence of the Baby in the manger...that Christmas is so wonderful because it's God becoming flesh...proving once and for all how far He would go to rescue people.
I can't even type how many amazing stories we have from this past week, and how many non-Christians were led to come to the church services and be a part of the Christmas celebration...I could fill a whole page, definitely! At one point, I was sitting between two non-Christians, trying to keep track of people ahead of me and behind me...during Sunday worship's communion, we had almost an entire church front filled with people simply coming up to be blessed, because they weren't Christians yet and so they couldn't take communion...Sensei yesterday said, "This year has been different because there have been so many people that I don't know in church!" God just keeps bringing people in from all over!
It's amazing to see Him work...but most amazing I think, no matter how many years I've celebrated Christmas, is the simple message, "Unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord..." I'm loved by a God I can trust; a God who became just like me in order to save me. A God who knows, who lives, who sees, and who is, indeed, mighty...
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Running to Corners
There's really no deep point to this post except to laugh at the way God makes us...
We always say that hard or busy times bring out who we really are--our true personalities. This Christmas hasn't really been so busy or hard, but it's funny to see each of us here working out of our own true characters... So, Cindy is running around trying to keep from snapping at people, I'm running around trying not to cry at people's pain, and Lindsey is running around trying to attend as many social events as possible. Oy...
As we've been saying frequently over the past few days, it kinda reminds us all just why we need a Savior. :)
There are deeper questions, like "How far into your corner is actually healthy--how much of your true personality is good to work out of?" and "How can you work healthily in your corner with others in their corners?" and "When you see the unhealthiness in your corner, how can you affirm your own personality and yet work on giving up the things that are not so good--the things where you need to come into the center?"...
Anyway, these questions probably don't make so much sense right now, but we're learning the answers, I think, through living the situations rather than studying any kind of psychology textbook. God is a pretty intense teacher. :)
We always say that hard or busy times bring out who we really are--our true personalities. This Christmas hasn't really been so busy or hard, but it's funny to see each of us here working out of our own true characters... So, Cindy is running around trying to keep from snapping at people, I'm running around trying not to cry at people's pain, and Lindsey is running around trying to attend as many social events as possible. Oy...
As we've been saying frequently over the past few days, it kinda reminds us all just why we need a Savior. :)
There are deeper questions, like "How far into your corner is actually healthy--how much of your true personality is good to work out of?" and "How can you work healthily in your corner with others in their corners?" and "When you see the unhealthiness in your corner, how can you affirm your own personality and yet work on giving up the things that are not so good--the things where you need to come into the center?"...
Anyway, these questions probably don't make so much sense right now, but we're learning the answers, I think, through living the situations rather than studying any kind of psychology textbook. God is a pretty intense teacher. :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Christmas stories...
We're always saying that we love the Nomura's here, but today was just another reminder of the fact that I learn something everyday around this wonderful couple.
Today we went to our third nursing home of the month, and sensei did a little magic trick/sermon/story starting at creation and explaining why Christmas is important. Since this was the third nursing home, I've seen/heard this story over three times, but today it once again struck me with its simplicity.
Sensei starts with a piece of cloth--green cloth, that stands for garden of Eden, and the life of joy that humanity had before the fall into sin. Then he tells the story of Eden, explaining that the word "Eden" means joy. But our joy was broken as sin entered our lives, and satan came whispering things like, "You're so good, you don't need God." or "It's better for you to decide your own right and wrong." A dark string that symbolizes evil loops around and is knotted over the green cloth, the same way that evil comes and ties up our hearts. But Jesus comes to free us from the evil that we allowed to enter our hearts, and sensei then pulls out a red string (symbolizing Jesus), inserts it between the dark string and the green cloth, and with a tug suddenly the green cloth is free from the dark string of evil and connected to the red string of Jesus' cleansing blood. Then sensei goes on to explain that this is why Christmas is such a joyful time. The world needed a Savior, and Jesus came to save us...
I've watched people's faces as sensei tells the story, and sometimes there are smiles of joy, and sometimes faces of pain. Today a young lady who's my age came with us to the nursing home, and my smile matched her own as we grinned at each other over sensei's message. Across the room, the guy who plays guitar with me had his eyebrows furrowed as if thinking...this has also been his third or fourth time to hear the story, and I wonder what he thinks of it.
Christmas is good, but man, this year, it's downright painful. Does it ever get easier, I wonder, to see the people around you and realize that they are still stuck, tied up on this dark string, unable to experience a love that has no ending...??
One of the things that I can't put into this posting is sensei's voice as he tells the story. He's talking to older people, so he uses easier Japanese. He speaks knowing that most of the people listening have no history with Christianity, so he doesn't use Christian lingo, but just uses down to earth words that everyone knows. And the thing that made me want to cry today was his voice--a mixture of gentleness, heartbrokenness, love, and urgency that makes the simpleness of the story come to life. That's what the Holy Spirit does, huh? :)
Sigh. Recently, I've been so confused over the future, and wondering if you just work somewhere because there are needs, or if it is selfish to think of working here in the future, or if I'm just losing it altogether and really can't work anywhere and should think of fast-food restaurant work my whole life... :) Thank God for moments where a person can see other Christians working and being used by the Holy Spirit...thank God for moments of clarity where you can say, "Ah! That's what living in love looks like..."
More to come, ne...
Today we went to our third nursing home of the month, and sensei did a little magic trick/sermon/story starting at creation and explaining why Christmas is important. Since this was the third nursing home, I've seen/heard this story over three times, but today it once again struck me with its simplicity.
Sensei starts with a piece of cloth--green cloth, that stands for garden of Eden, and the life of joy that humanity had before the fall into sin. Then he tells the story of Eden, explaining that the word "Eden" means joy. But our joy was broken as sin entered our lives, and satan came whispering things like, "You're so good, you don't need God." or "It's better for you to decide your own right and wrong." A dark string that symbolizes evil loops around and is knotted over the green cloth, the same way that evil comes and ties up our hearts. But Jesus comes to free us from the evil that we allowed to enter our hearts, and sensei then pulls out a red string (symbolizing Jesus), inserts it between the dark string and the green cloth, and with a tug suddenly the green cloth is free from the dark string of evil and connected to the red string of Jesus' cleansing blood. Then sensei goes on to explain that this is why Christmas is such a joyful time. The world needed a Savior, and Jesus came to save us...
I've watched people's faces as sensei tells the story, and sometimes there are smiles of joy, and sometimes faces of pain. Today a young lady who's my age came with us to the nursing home, and my smile matched her own as we grinned at each other over sensei's message. Across the room, the guy who plays guitar with me had his eyebrows furrowed as if thinking...this has also been his third or fourth time to hear the story, and I wonder what he thinks of it.
Christmas is good, but man, this year, it's downright painful. Does it ever get easier, I wonder, to see the people around you and realize that they are still stuck, tied up on this dark string, unable to experience a love that has no ending...??
One of the things that I can't put into this posting is sensei's voice as he tells the story. He's talking to older people, so he uses easier Japanese. He speaks knowing that most of the people listening have no history with Christianity, so he doesn't use Christian lingo, but just uses down to earth words that everyone knows. And the thing that made me want to cry today was his voice--a mixture of gentleness, heartbrokenness, love, and urgency that makes the simpleness of the story come to life. That's what the Holy Spirit does, huh? :)
Sigh. Recently, I've been so confused over the future, and wondering if you just work somewhere because there are needs, or if it is selfish to think of working here in the future, or if I'm just losing it altogether and really can't work anywhere and should think of fast-food restaurant work my whole life... :) Thank God for moments where a person can see other Christians working and being used by the Holy Spirit...thank God for moments of clarity where you can say, "Ah! That's what living in love looks like..."
More to come, ne...
Saturday, December 13, 2008
An old notepad...
"If you leave this place, you'll be a failure, and you'll never be mature unless you learn what I'm trying to teach you..."
I was cleaning the office earlier this evening when I ran into a notepad I'd used before. The words seemed to scream at me from the page. The sloppiness of the letters brought back to my mind immediately just how hard it had been to control my shaking fingers at that time...I had been trying to take notes, look professional, with my face showing not even a flicker of emotion...but I could not calm my hands.
Even now, as I type, my hands shake. Why am I so afraid of words I know are lies? And not even recent lies, but lies from the past...
Same notepad, different page--a poem/song written around that time. Reminders that even though the desert was painful, it had some beautiful moments too:
All of my heart, all of my pain,
All of my fear, all of my shame,
I bring to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.
When I want to rebel, when I want to run,
All the times of selfish things I've done,
I come to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.
I am so young, so much I don't know,
So often I turn from You, to the lies that I hold,
But You come from Your throne,
And You offer me grace.
The blow I expect turns into a hug,
The pain that I feel is healed by love,
And all I can say as I stand before Your throne is...
I'm in awe of Your grace.
I was cleaning the office earlier this evening when I ran into a notepad I'd used before. The words seemed to scream at me from the page. The sloppiness of the letters brought back to my mind immediately just how hard it had been to control my shaking fingers at that time...I had been trying to take notes, look professional, with my face showing not even a flicker of emotion...but I could not calm my hands.
Even now, as I type, my hands shake. Why am I so afraid of words I know are lies? And not even recent lies, but lies from the past...
Same notepad, different page--a poem/song written around that time. Reminders that even though the desert was painful, it had some beautiful moments too:
All of my heart, all of my pain,
All of my fear, all of my shame,
I bring to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.
When I want to rebel, when I want to run,
All the times of selfish things I've done,
I come to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.
I am so young, so much I don't know,
So often I turn from You, to the lies that I hold,
But You come from Your throne,
And You offer me grace.
The blow I expect turns into a hug,
The pain that I feel is healed by love,
And all I can say as I stand before Your throne is...
I'm in awe of Your grace.
Streams in the desert
Recently, because it's Advent, we've been talking a lot about the desert. In Thursday night Bible study this week we studied John the Baptist, and for awhile we disussed the desert; what it means for our lives, and what it looks like to us... It's facinating hearing people talk about the desert, because we all have similar, but different, things that stick out to us.
There is the desert of loneliness. It's a place where there's nothing around you, and you are simply alone...longing for water, longing for trees, longing for another person's company.
There is the desert of suffering. A place where you're experiencing sweltering heat and pressure, and the pain you feel causes you to cry out for help and say that you're in the desert.
There is the desert of "lostness"...a place where you have no idea what road you're traveling on, or if you're even on the road...maybe you've wandered around the same sand dune of despair and mistakes a thousand times, and you have no idea how to get away from it...the roads all seem to lead to the same place...
There is the desert of weariness. The place where, although there is no water in you--nothing that even seems like life--still you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep working, keep going.
There is the desert of fear. All you see is sand...what is lurking, what will happen if you don't find water, what will happen if it does suddenly rain?...what happens when you can go no further? Your mind can race with the possibilities of what exists in the wilderness that can hurt or hunt you.
Over and over again, God promises that He is making streams in our deserts...maybe we can't see them...but then again, maybe we're not looking for God's kind of streams. Friday evening, at the end of evening worship and prayer, Sensei said, "For a pastor, Christmas is a really busy season. Usually I go through this season kind of dry...it's so busy...my heart gets dry. But this year is really different. My heart doesn't feel dry this year...I think it's because almost every day, we have time to worship and pray together..."
Life in the wilderness...streams in the desert. Moments where God's Spirit brings us into His presence. Moments when we can cease our trudging, our worrying, our suffering, and be healed, cleansed, and cared for by our Maker. Moments where living water flows, where our loneliness is set aside as we're drawn into our Father's lap, where knowing the road doesn't necessarily matter, because we have a Guide who knows the way.
Receiving such "streams" is such a joyful thing...and it is painful beyond belief to see others struggling through their deserts without the streams. Or rather, when they reach a stream that God gives them, they don't recognize the Giver behind it, so they don't recognize the love in it either. Their streams are simply places to take a quick drink before they are driven on again by their restless wandering... My stream is a place of life and love, and the reassurance that this whole crazy experience is guided by One who I can trust.
Sigh. Thinking about this just gives me a whole mixture of thankfulness and pain. Joy and sadness. Rejoicing in what I have, and weeping for those around me...
Come, Lord Jesus, and come quickly. Drinking from your stream only make me thirstier for you. But before you come, let your grace flow here...
There is the desert of loneliness. It's a place where there's nothing around you, and you are simply alone...longing for water, longing for trees, longing for another person's company.
There is the desert of suffering. A place where you're experiencing sweltering heat and pressure, and the pain you feel causes you to cry out for help and say that you're in the desert.
There is the desert of "lostness"...a place where you have no idea what road you're traveling on, or if you're even on the road...maybe you've wandered around the same sand dune of despair and mistakes a thousand times, and you have no idea how to get away from it...the roads all seem to lead to the same place...
There is the desert of weariness. The place where, although there is no water in you--nothing that even seems like life--still you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep working, keep going.
There is the desert of fear. All you see is sand...what is lurking, what will happen if you don't find water, what will happen if it does suddenly rain?...what happens when you can go no further? Your mind can race with the possibilities of what exists in the wilderness that can hurt or hunt you.
Over and over again, God promises that He is making streams in our deserts...maybe we can't see them...but then again, maybe we're not looking for God's kind of streams. Friday evening, at the end of evening worship and prayer, Sensei said, "For a pastor, Christmas is a really busy season. Usually I go through this season kind of dry...it's so busy...my heart gets dry. But this year is really different. My heart doesn't feel dry this year...I think it's because almost every day, we have time to worship and pray together..."
Life in the wilderness...streams in the desert. Moments where God's Spirit brings us into His presence. Moments when we can cease our trudging, our worrying, our suffering, and be healed, cleansed, and cared for by our Maker. Moments where living water flows, where our loneliness is set aside as we're drawn into our Father's lap, where knowing the road doesn't necessarily matter, because we have a Guide who knows the way.
Receiving such "streams" is such a joyful thing...and it is painful beyond belief to see others struggling through their deserts without the streams. Or rather, when they reach a stream that God gives them, they don't recognize the Giver behind it, so they don't recognize the love in it either. Their streams are simply places to take a quick drink before they are driven on again by their restless wandering... My stream is a place of life and love, and the reassurance that this whole crazy experience is guided by One who I can trust.
Sigh. Thinking about this just gives me a whole mixture of thankfulness and pain. Joy and sadness. Rejoicing in what I have, and weeping for those around me...
Come, Lord Jesus, and come quickly. Drinking from your stream only make me thirstier for you. But before you come, let your grace flow here...
Monday, December 8, 2008
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
Yesterday, I was supposed to be the leader of a small prayer group that meets once a month at a church member's house. Our group rotates leadership, and earlier last week Nomura-sensei came running upstairs to ask, "Hey! Haidee, can you be the leader on Monday?" To which I replied, "Hmmm...sure!" Then he said, "Two of the other pastor's from Tokyo are coming also, so they're gonna be there too..." Cindy gave a joyful yell and I gave a "blah!..." To which Sensei and Cindy both looked at me and said something along the lines of, "No complaints! You're doing it; it's good for you."
Most people here--students, church members, and definitely the Nomura's and Cindy and Lindsey--know that I don't really like speaking or leading in any language. Sometimes--a lot of times--they bail me out of situations by speaking when I give them the tortured look of, "HELP!!" Othertimes I think they plot amongst themselves and say, "How're we gonna make her grow up?!" (that wasn't said in an angry way...we're all always being stretched and grown here...somedays it bothers me, but today it doesn't...and besides, it's mostly God's fault! :))
Anyway, so yesterday we're all in prayer meeting and afterwards Cindy commented, "You were glowing!" Suzuki-sensei, one of the pastors from Tokyo, said, "You've gotten used to Japan, haven't you?!"
I laughed at the very idea of glowing during a time of leadership and speaking in an awful mix of incorrect language, but those comments led me to thinking for the rest of the day...
(Warning: this is a report on thinking, meaning there's a high likelyhood of incoherency.)
This last week, a lot of random things have happened. I've come closer to seeing dreams become reality in the last week and a half than I think I've ever come in my life. Some of that seeing has been discussions over worship styles and music with Nomura-sensei, Ryoko-san, and Cindy...some of that has been simply the constant amount of music that I find myself doing here...some of it happened Friday night after worship, when my student started playing around with some beautiful chord progressions on the guitar, and I attempted some improvisation with Psalm 143 in Japanese...some of the seeing happened Sunday, when Cindy and I went to take the Japanese proficiency test and I was reminded again of how much I really like tests and studying and learning and even teaching, if the students are wanting to learn...
Anyway, I've been turning all of these things over and over in my mind, because I decided long ago that the end of one's term in a foreign country is not a time to make any decisions, and I wanted to go back to America and take it slow and see what God has in store... I still do want to see what God has in store, and follow His lead. But maybe...some of these dreams...aren't just things put into my head to give joys to the glumy days...but they're dreams to be followed, tried, captured.
I can't write so much more about the thinking here...it's still continuing. But yesterday, listening to music from the Disney movie "Camp Rock" (hey, at least it wasn't Hannah Montana! :)), I was struck by these words because they seemed so much like what I'm saying (without quite so much rock music in the background :)):
Most people here--students, church members, and definitely the Nomura's and Cindy and Lindsey--know that I don't really like speaking or leading in any language. Sometimes--a lot of times--they bail me out of situations by speaking when I give them the tortured look of, "HELP!!" Othertimes I think they plot amongst themselves and say, "How're we gonna make her grow up?!" (that wasn't said in an angry way...we're all always being stretched and grown here...somedays it bothers me, but today it doesn't...and besides, it's mostly God's fault! :))
Anyway, so yesterday we're all in prayer meeting and afterwards Cindy commented, "You were glowing!" Suzuki-sensei, one of the pastors from Tokyo, said, "You've gotten used to Japan, haven't you?!"
I laughed at the very idea of glowing during a time of leadership and speaking in an awful mix of incorrect language, but those comments led me to thinking for the rest of the day...
(Warning: this is a report on thinking, meaning there's a high likelyhood of incoherency.)
This last week, a lot of random things have happened. I've come closer to seeing dreams become reality in the last week and a half than I think I've ever come in my life. Some of that seeing has been discussions over worship styles and music with Nomura-sensei, Ryoko-san, and Cindy...some of that has been simply the constant amount of music that I find myself doing here...some of it happened Friday night after worship, when my student started playing around with some beautiful chord progressions on the guitar, and I attempted some improvisation with Psalm 143 in Japanese...some of the seeing happened Sunday, when Cindy and I went to take the Japanese proficiency test and I was reminded again of how much I really like tests and studying and learning and even teaching, if the students are wanting to learn...
Anyway, I've been turning all of these things over and over in my mind, because I decided long ago that the end of one's term in a foreign country is not a time to make any decisions, and I wanted to go back to America and take it slow and see what God has in store... I still do want to see what God has in store, and follow His lead. But maybe...some of these dreams...aren't just things put into my head to give joys to the glumy days...but they're dreams to be followed, tried, captured.
I can't write so much more about the thinking here...it's still continuing. But yesterday, listening to music from the Disney movie "Camp Rock" (hey, at least it wasn't Hannah Montana! :)), I was struck by these words because they seemed so much like what I'm saying (without quite so much rock music in the background :)):
This is real. This is me.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now...
Gonna let the light shine on me.
Now I've found who I am, there's no way to hold it in.
No more hiding who I wanna be...
This is me.
I was talking to my family yesterday for a little bit, and as per normal, they met my questioning with a lot of grace...my mother, as I told her different ideas that I'm thinking of for the future, just laughed and said something like, "We know you're not going to be normal. We've known that for a long time..." :)
Anyway, who knows what the future will look like...only God. :) But for right now, it feels at least like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...and we'll see what God brings to light as His light shines and refines and causes general, "glowing" moments. :)
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