Merry Christmas! Cindy and Lindsey and I just spent a nice, sleepy Christmas Day opening presents, watching movies, giving backrubs, and eating hummus and carrots and Indian curry...mmmm. :) :) :) It hasn't felt so much like Christmas actually this year, because we started celebrating in November, but right now, for the first time today really, I'm sitting down to reflect a bit on Christmas thoughts...
Sometime during the years, I've gotten pretty pessimistic about people's love. I remember the first guy who told me that he liked me. I think I simply didn't respond at all...and when a second guy told me the same thing some years later, I responded with something like, "Don't say that!!" Most of the time, when people (especially guys) say complimentary things or really big things like, "I love you," it just brings out a streak of anger in me--anger because they are saying something that is so obviously not true. I don't trust them.
This year, we had so many students and other people come to Christmas worship services for the first time...SO many people that God brought in and who were touched by the Christmas message. It was such a blessing to see the people! I wonder, as I reflect on those people, if they have heard "God loves you" before and they've said inside themselves, "Don't say that! It's not true!" Especially during Christmas Eve worship, as I was reading the English Gospel lesson and trying to convey joy and love to the people, I was seeing on people's faces some of the inner struggle...maybe thinking to themselves, "This is a holy place...and they say that God is here...but He couldn't possibly be here to be close to me! What does this Christmas thing really have to do with me anyway?!"
It's really hard to trust. Since Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we've been taught to be distrustful of strangers, be careful and guard against emotional and physical hurts and pains, etc. etc. Bad things and pain and lies are the norm, maybe...love is not so common.
Today, as I was opening some Christmas presents from my family, I opened a book full of blessings/prayers to bless people with...words from the Bible or words about God to remind people's spirits that they are loved and chosen and known by their Father. I opened the book to the first blessing and began to read it to Cindy and Lindsey out loud, but didn't make it through the page before starting to cry. The basic message of the words on the page: "I love you." Like I said before, maybe usually that line would create a sense of anger inside of me... But this "I love you" was coming from my family, from my God...from a place where I could trust. It feels often like in the everyday world, a person is always fighting lies about who they are or who he or she should be, but for just a moment even, I could stop and hear and really believe a message of love that was not manipulative or fake, but trustworthy:..."I made you. I know you. And I love you."
And it makes me think again about the Christmas word Emmanuel--God with us. About how amazing it is that God came down in human form, to show us that He is a crazy, loving, trustworthy God, who never breaks His promises and who will go to the most ridiculous, painful ends to accomplish salvation for His children. I'm reminded again of the struggle on people's faces during Christmas Eve worship, and I find myself praying that they caught enough of the message to know that the whole, "God loves you" thing isn't just a fake...that it is backed up by the presence of the Baby in the manger...that Christmas is so wonderful because it's God becoming flesh...proving once and for all how far He would go to rescue people.
I can't even type how many amazing stories we have from this past week, and how many non-Christians were led to come to the church services and be a part of the Christmas celebration...I could fill a whole page, definitely! At one point, I was sitting between two non-Christians, trying to keep track of people ahead of me and behind me...during Sunday worship's communion, we had almost an entire church front filled with people simply coming up to be blessed, because they weren't Christians yet and so they couldn't take communion...Sensei yesterday said, "This year has been different because there have been so many people that I don't know in church!" God just keeps bringing people in from all over!
It's amazing to see Him work...but most amazing I think, no matter how many years I've celebrated Christmas, is the simple message, "Unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord..." I'm loved by a God I can trust; a God who became just like me in order to save me. A God who knows, who lives, who sees, and who is, indeed, mighty...
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Running to Corners
There's really no deep point to this post except to laugh at the way God makes us...
We always say that hard or busy times bring out who we really are--our true personalities. This Christmas hasn't really been so busy or hard, but it's funny to see each of us here working out of our own true characters... So, Cindy is running around trying to keep from snapping at people, I'm running around trying not to cry at people's pain, and Lindsey is running around trying to attend as many social events as possible. Oy...
As we've been saying frequently over the past few days, it kinda reminds us all just why we need a Savior. :)
There are deeper questions, like "How far into your corner is actually healthy--how much of your true personality is good to work out of?" and "How can you work healthily in your corner with others in their corners?" and "When you see the unhealthiness in your corner, how can you affirm your own personality and yet work on giving up the things that are not so good--the things where you need to come into the center?"...
Anyway, these questions probably don't make so much sense right now, but we're learning the answers, I think, through living the situations rather than studying any kind of psychology textbook. God is a pretty intense teacher. :)
We always say that hard or busy times bring out who we really are--our true personalities. This Christmas hasn't really been so busy or hard, but it's funny to see each of us here working out of our own true characters... So, Cindy is running around trying to keep from snapping at people, I'm running around trying not to cry at people's pain, and Lindsey is running around trying to attend as many social events as possible. Oy...
As we've been saying frequently over the past few days, it kinda reminds us all just why we need a Savior. :)
There are deeper questions, like "How far into your corner is actually healthy--how much of your true personality is good to work out of?" and "How can you work healthily in your corner with others in their corners?" and "When you see the unhealthiness in your corner, how can you affirm your own personality and yet work on giving up the things that are not so good--the things where you need to come into the center?"...
Anyway, these questions probably don't make so much sense right now, but we're learning the answers, I think, through living the situations rather than studying any kind of psychology textbook. God is a pretty intense teacher. :)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Christmas stories...
We're always saying that we love the Nomura's here, but today was just another reminder of the fact that I learn something everyday around this wonderful couple.
Today we went to our third nursing home of the month, and sensei did a little magic trick/sermon/story starting at creation and explaining why Christmas is important. Since this was the third nursing home, I've seen/heard this story over three times, but today it once again struck me with its simplicity.
Sensei starts with a piece of cloth--green cloth, that stands for garden of Eden, and the life of joy that humanity had before the fall into sin. Then he tells the story of Eden, explaining that the word "Eden" means joy. But our joy was broken as sin entered our lives, and satan came whispering things like, "You're so good, you don't need God." or "It's better for you to decide your own right and wrong." A dark string that symbolizes evil loops around and is knotted over the green cloth, the same way that evil comes and ties up our hearts. But Jesus comes to free us from the evil that we allowed to enter our hearts, and sensei then pulls out a red string (symbolizing Jesus), inserts it between the dark string and the green cloth, and with a tug suddenly the green cloth is free from the dark string of evil and connected to the red string of Jesus' cleansing blood. Then sensei goes on to explain that this is why Christmas is such a joyful time. The world needed a Savior, and Jesus came to save us...
I've watched people's faces as sensei tells the story, and sometimes there are smiles of joy, and sometimes faces of pain. Today a young lady who's my age came with us to the nursing home, and my smile matched her own as we grinned at each other over sensei's message. Across the room, the guy who plays guitar with me had his eyebrows furrowed as if thinking...this has also been his third or fourth time to hear the story, and I wonder what he thinks of it.
Christmas is good, but man, this year, it's downright painful. Does it ever get easier, I wonder, to see the people around you and realize that they are still stuck, tied up on this dark string, unable to experience a love that has no ending...??
One of the things that I can't put into this posting is sensei's voice as he tells the story. He's talking to older people, so he uses easier Japanese. He speaks knowing that most of the people listening have no history with Christianity, so he doesn't use Christian lingo, but just uses down to earth words that everyone knows. And the thing that made me want to cry today was his voice--a mixture of gentleness, heartbrokenness, love, and urgency that makes the simpleness of the story come to life. That's what the Holy Spirit does, huh? :)
Sigh. Recently, I've been so confused over the future, and wondering if you just work somewhere because there are needs, or if it is selfish to think of working here in the future, or if I'm just losing it altogether and really can't work anywhere and should think of fast-food restaurant work my whole life... :) Thank God for moments where a person can see other Christians working and being used by the Holy Spirit...thank God for moments of clarity where you can say, "Ah! That's what living in love looks like..."
More to come, ne...
Today we went to our third nursing home of the month, and sensei did a little magic trick/sermon/story starting at creation and explaining why Christmas is important. Since this was the third nursing home, I've seen/heard this story over three times, but today it once again struck me with its simplicity.
Sensei starts with a piece of cloth--green cloth, that stands for garden of Eden, and the life of joy that humanity had before the fall into sin. Then he tells the story of Eden, explaining that the word "Eden" means joy. But our joy was broken as sin entered our lives, and satan came whispering things like, "You're so good, you don't need God." or "It's better for you to decide your own right and wrong." A dark string that symbolizes evil loops around and is knotted over the green cloth, the same way that evil comes and ties up our hearts. But Jesus comes to free us from the evil that we allowed to enter our hearts, and sensei then pulls out a red string (symbolizing Jesus), inserts it between the dark string and the green cloth, and with a tug suddenly the green cloth is free from the dark string of evil and connected to the red string of Jesus' cleansing blood. Then sensei goes on to explain that this is why Christmas is such a joyful time. The world needed a Savior, and Jesus came to save us...
I've watched people's faces as sensei tells the story, and sometimes there are smiles of joy, and sometimes faces of pain. Today a young lady who's my age came with us to the nursing home, and my smile matched her own as we grinned at each other over sensei's message. Across the room, the guy who plays guitar with me had his eyebrows furrowed as if thinking...this has also been his third or fourth time to hear the story, and I wonder what he thinks of it.
Christmas is good, but man, this year, it's downright painful. Does it ever get easier, I wonder, to see the people around you and realize that they are still stuck, tied up on this dark string, unable to experience a love that has no ending...??
One of the things that I can't put into this posting is sensei's voice as he tells the story. He's talking to older people, so he uses easier Japanese. He speaks knowing that most of the people listening have no history with Christianity, so he doesn't use Christian lingo, but just uses down to earth words that everyone knows. And the thing that made me want to cry today was his voice--a mixture of gentleness, heartbrokenness, love, and urgency that makes the simpleness of the story come to life. That's what the Holy Spirit does, huh? :)
Sigh. Recently, I've been so confused over the future, and wondering if you just work somewhere because there are needs, or if it is selfish to think of working here in the future, or if I'm just losing it altogether and really can't work anywhere and should think of fast-food restaurant work my whole life... :) Thank God for moments where a person can see other Christians working and being used by the Holy Spirit...thank God for moments of clarity where you can say, "Ah! That's what living in love looks like..."
More to come, ne...
Saturday, December 13, 2008
An old notepad...
"If you leave this place, you'll be a failure, and you'll never be mature unless you learn what I'm trying to teach you..."
I was cleaning the office earlier this evening when I ran into a notepad I'd used before. The words seemed to scream at me from the page. The sloppiness of the letters brought back to my mind immediately just how hard it had been to control my shaking fingers at that time...I had been trying to take notes, look professional, with my face showing not even a flicker of emotion...but I could not calm my hands.
Even now, as I type, my hands shake. Why am I so afraid of words I know are lies? And not even recent lies, but lies from the past...
Same notepad, different page--a poem/song written around that time. Reminders that even though the desert was painful, it had some beautiful moments too:
All of my heart, all of my pain,
All of my fear, all of my shame,
I bring to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.
When I want to rebel, when I want to run,
All the times of selfish things I've done,
I come to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.
I am so young, so much I don't know,
So often I turn from You, to the lies that I hold,
But You come from Your throne,
And You offer me grace.
The blow I expect turns into a hug,
The pain that I feel is healed by love,
And all I can say as I stand before Your throne is...
I'm in awe of Your grace.
I was cleaning the office earlier this evening when I ran into a notepad I'd used before. The words seemed to scream at me from the page. The sloppiness of the letters brought back to my mind immediately just how hard it had been to control my shaking fingers at that time...I had been trying to take notes, look professional, with my face showing not even a flicker of emotion...but I could not calm my hands.
Even now, as I type, my hands shake. Why am I so afraid of words I know are lies? And not even recent lies, but lies from the past...
Same notepad, different page--a poem/song written around that time. Reminders that even though the desert was painful, it had some beautiful moments too:
All of my heart, all of my pain,
All of my fear, all of my shame,
I bring to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.
When I want to rebel, when I want to run,
All the times of selfish things I've done,
I come to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.
I am so young, so much I don't know,
So often I turn from You, to the lies that I hold,
But You come from Your throne,
And You offer me grace.
The blow I expect turns into a hug,
The pain that I feel is healed by love,
And all I can say as I stand before Your throne is...
I'm in awe of Your grace.
Streams in the desert
Recently, because it's Advent, we've been talking a lot about the desert. In Thursday night Bible study this week we studied John the Baptist, and for awhile we disussed the desert; what it means for our lives, and what it looks like to us... It's facinating hearing people talk about the desert, because we all have similar, but different, things that stick out to us.
There is the desert of loneliness. It's a place where there's nothing around you, and you are simply alone...longing for water, longing for trees, longing for another person's company.
There is the desert of suffering. A place where you're experiencing sweltering heat and pressure, and the pain you feel causes you to cry out for help and say that you're in the desert.
There is the desert of "lostness"...a place where you have no idea what road you're traveling on, or if you're even on the road...maybe you've wandered around the same sand dune of despair and mistakes a thousand times, and you have no idea how to get away from it...the roads all seem to lead to the same place...
There is the desert of weariness. The place where, although there is no water in you--nothing that even seems like life--still you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep working, keep going.
There is the desert of fear. All you see is sand...what is lurking, what will happen if you don't find water, what will happen if it does suddenly rain?...what happens when you can go no further? Your mind can race with the possibilities of what exists in the wilderness that can hurt or hunt you.
Over and over again, God promises that He is making streams in our deserts...maybe we can't see them...but then again, maybe we're not looking for God's kind of streams. Friday evening, at the end of evening worship and prayer, Sensei said, "For a pastor, Christmas is a really busy season. Usually I go through this season kind of dry...it's so busy...my heart gets dry. But this year is really different. My heart doesn't feel dry this year...I think it's because almost every day, we have time to worship and pray together..."
Life in the wilderness...streams in the desert. Moments where God's Spirit brings us into His presence. Moments when we can cease our trudging, our worrying, our suffering, and be healed, cleansed, and cared for by our Maker. Moments where living water flows, where our loneliness is set aside as we're drawn into our Father's lap, where knowing the road doesn't necessarily matter, because we have a Guide who knows the way.
Receiving such "streams" is such a joyful thing...and it is painful beyond belief to see others struggling through their deserts without the streams. Or rather, when they reach a stream that God gives them, they don't recognize the Giver behind it, so they don't recognize the love in it either. Their streams are simply places to take a quick drink before they are driven on again by their restless wandering... My stream is a place of life and love, and the reassurance that this whole crazy experience is guided by One who I can trust.
Sigh. Thinking about this just gives me a whole mixture of thankfulness and pain. Joy and sadness. Rejoicing in what I have, and weeping for those around me...
Come, Lord Jesus, and come quickly. Drinking from your stream only make me thirstier for you. But before you come, let your grace flow here...
There is the desert of loneliness. It's a place where there's nothing around you, and you are simply alone...longing for water, longing for trees, longing for another person's company.
There is the desert of suffering. A place where you're experiencing sweltering heat and pressure, and the pain you feel causes you to cry out for help and say that you're in the desert.
There is the desert of "lostness"...a place where you have no idea what road you're traveling on, or if you're even on the road...maybe you've wandered around the same sand dune of despair and mistakes a thousand times, and you have no idea how to get away from it...the roads all seem to lead to the same place...
There is the desert of weariness. The place where, although there is no water in you--nothing that even seems like life--still you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep working, keep going.
There is the desert of fear. All you see is sand...what is lurking, what will happen if you don't find water, what will happen if it does suddenly rain?...what happens when you can go no further? Your mind can race with the possibilities of what exists in the wilderness that can hurt or hunt you.
Over and over again, God promises that He is making streams in our deserts...maybe we can't see them...but then again, maybe we're not looking for God's kind of streams. Friday evening, at the end of evening worship and prayer, Sensei said, "For a pastor, Christmas is a really busy season. Usually I go through this season kind of dry...it's so busy...my heart gets dry. But this year is really different. My heart doesn't feel dry this year...I think it's because almost every day, we have time to worship and pray together..."
Life in the wilderness...streams in the desert. Moments where God's Spirit brings us into His presence. Moments when we can cease our trudging, our worrying, our suffering, and be healed, cleansed, and cared for by our Maker. Moments where living water flows, where our loneliness is set aside as we're drawn into our Father's lap, where knowing the road doesn't necessarily matter, because we have a Guide who knows the way.
Receiving such "streams" is such a joyful thing...and it is painful beyond belief to see others struggling through their deserts without the streams. Or rather, when they reach a stream that God gives them, they don't recognize the Giver behind it, so they don't recognize the love in it either. Their streams are simply places to take a quick drink before they are driven on again by their restless wandering... My stream is a place of life and love, and the reassurance that this whole crazy experience is guided by One who I can trust.
Sigh. Thinking about this just gives me a whole mixture of thankfulness and pain. Joy and sadness. Rejoicing in what I have, and weeping for those around me...
Come, Lord Jesus, and come quickly. Drinking from your stream only make me thirstier for you. But before you come, let your grace flow here...
Monday, December 8, 2008
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...
Yesterday, I was supposed to be the leader of a small prayer group that meets once a month at a church member's house. Our group rotates leadership, and earlier last week Nomura-sensei came running upstairs to ask, "Hey! Haidee, can you be the leader on Monday?" To which I replied, "Hmmm...sure!" Then he said, "Two of the other pastor's from Tokyo are coming also, so they're gonna be there too..." Cindy gave a joyful yell and I gave a "blah!..." To which Sensei and Cindy both looked at me and said something along the lines of, "No complaints! You're doing it; it's good for you."
Most people here--students, church members, and definitely the Nomura's and Cindy and Lindsey--know that I don't really like speaking or leading in any language. Sometimes--a lot of times--they bail me out of situations by speaking when I give them the tortured look of, "HELP!!" Othertimes I think they plot amongst themselves and say, "How're we gonna make her grow up?!" (that wasn't said in an angry way...we're all always being stretched and grown here...somedays it bothers me, but today it doesn't...and besides, it's mostly God's fault! :))
Anyway, so yesterday we're all in prayer meeting and afterwards Cindy commented, "You were glowing!" Suzuki-sensei, one of the pastors from Tokyo, said, "You've gotten used to Japan, haven't you?!"
I laughed at the very idea of glowing during a time of leadership and speaking in an awful mix of incorrect language, but those comments led me to thinking for the rest of the day...
(Warning: this is a report on thinking, meaning there's a high likelyhood of incoherency.)
This last week, a lot of random things have happened. I've come closer to seeing dreams become reality in the last week and a half than I think I've ever come in my life. Some of that seeing has been discussions over worship styles and music with Nomura-sensei, Ryoko-san, and Cindy...some of that has been simply the constant amount of music that I find myself doing here...some of it happened Friday night after worship, when my student started playing around with some beautiful chord progressions on the guitar, and I attempted some improvisation with Psalm 143 in Japanese...some of the seeing happened Sunday, when Cindy and I went to take the Japanese proficiency test and I was reminded again of how much I really like tests and studying and learning and even teaching, if the students are wanting to learn...
Anyway, I've been turning all of these things over and over in my mind, because I decided long ago that the end of one's term in a foreign country is not a time to make any decisions, and I wanted to go back to America and take it slow and see what God has in store... I still do want to see what God has in store, and follow His lead. But maybe...some of these dreams...aren't just things put into my head to give joys to the glumy days...but they're dreams to be followed, tried, captured.
I can't write so much more about the thinking here...it's still continuing. But yesterday, listening to music from the Disney movie "Camp Rock" (hey, at least it wasn't Hannah Montana! :)), I was struck by these words because they seemed so much like what I'm saying (without quite so much rock music in the background :)):
Most people here--students, church members, and definitely the Nomura's and Cindy and Lindsey--know that I don't really like speaking or leading in any language. Sometimes--a lot of times--they bail me out of situations by speaking when I give them the tortured look of, "HELP!!" Othertimes I think they plot amongst themselves and say, "How're we gonna make her grow up?!" (that wasn't said in an angry way...we're all always being stretched and grown here...somedays it bothers me, but today it doesn't...and besides, it's mostly God's fault! :))
Anyway, so yesterday we're all in prayer meeting and afterwards Cindy commented, "You were glowing!" Suzuki-sensei, one of the pastors from Tokyo, said, "You've gotten used to Japan, haven't you?!"
I laughed at the very idea of glowing during a time of leadership and speaking in an awful mix of incorrect language, but those comments led me to thinking for the rest of the day...
(Warning: this is a report on thinking, meaning there's a high likelyhood of incoherency.)
This last week, a lot of random things have happened. I've come closer to seeing dreams become reality in the last week and a half than I think I've ever come in my life. Some of that seeing has been discussions over worship styles and music with Nomura-sensei, Ryoko-san, and Cindy...some of that has been simply the constant amount of music that I find myself doing here...some of it happened Friday night after worship, when my student started playing around with some beautiful chord progressions on the guitar, and I attempted some improvisation with Psalm 143 in Japanese...some of the seeing happened Sunday, when Cindy and I went to take the Japanese proficiency test and I was reminded again of how much I really like tests and studying and learning and even teaching, if the students are wanting to learn...
Anyway, I've been turning all of these things over and over in my mind, because I decided long ago that the end of one's term in a foreign country is not a time to make any decisions, and I wanted to go back to America and take it slow and see what God has in store... I still do want to see what God has in store, and follow His lead. But maybe...some of these dreams...aren't just things put into my head to give joys to the glumy days...but they're dreams to be followed, tried, captured.
I can't write so much more about the thinking here...it's still continuing. But yesterday, listening to music from the Disney movie "Camp Rock" (hey, at least it wasn't Hannah Montana! :)), I was struck by these words because they seemed so much like what I'm saying (without quite so much rock music in the background :)):
This is real. This is me.
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now...
Gonna let the light shine on me.
Now I've found who I am, there's no way to hold it in.
No more hiding who I wanna be...
This is me.
I was talking to my family yesterday for a little bit, and as per normal, they met my questioning with a lot of grace...my mother, as I told her different ideas that I'm thinking of for the future, just laughed and said something like, "We know you're not going to be normal. We've known that for a long time..." :)
Anyway, who knows what the future will look like...only God. :) But for right now, it feels at least like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...and we'll see what God brings to light as His light shines and refines and causes general, "glowing" moments. :)
Friday, November 28, 2008
Music
At one point this last week I looked at up Cindy and said in satisfaction and a little disbelief, "Ok, I have my music for choir, for caroling, for nursing homes, and for evening worship...and I'm an English teacher?!" Sometimes it feels like I spend much more time leading or learning music than I do teaching, which shows that I'm spoiled rotten, in some respects. :) Anyway, here are some pics of the last couple weeks' musical endeavors...
Last weekend we held a random Christmas caroling time...a couple of students and church members had offered to "host" our group of carolers, so we wound a path through the neighborhoods near the church, carrying umbrellas (that was a first for me--caroling with umbrellas!) and stopping every once in awhile to enter a house, sing some songs and be treated with ridiculous amounts of wonderful food. :)
It was a little awkward for our Japanese students to be invited into stranger's homes and accept their hospitality...but it was also quite fun to watch new relationships being formed.
My selfish highlight of the evening was getting some good dog-bonding time...yay! :) It was nice to know that I haven't lost my dog-scratching abilities...
A lot of different music is also sung at nursing homes every month. Looking back, I'm a little confused as to how this whole idea started...at first it was simply like, "Hey, I've done some singing at nursing homes, and I enjoy it...I have a not-so-full day on Wednesdays...any chance there may be a place to do some volunteer singing?" Then there was one place...then two...and now, in December, we have one nursing home scheduled every week! And what originally was simply me going and singing some songs has ended up involving multiple people, a lot of Japanese music to learn, and interesting things in general...
This is from the most recent nursing home visit...Kazama-san, one of my students, writes his own music and plays guitar very well. Usually, the music is just the two of us, with him playing and me singing, but we also try to do a few songs that everyone can sing along with. These are always new songs for me...but Japanese folk songs that are useful to know! For example, a few months ago I learned the song that my garbage truck plays every morning... :)
These people are so darn cute...one lady after we sang tried to get Kazama-san to teach her guitar...another man ran me down for my autograph...mostly, it's a very humbling experiene to see their joy.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Reflections on shame...
So, I started out the day by reading Psalm 31, and it struck me so much that I even read it to Lindsey as we were eating breakfast on our hot carpet. Afterwards, she was like, "why Psalm 31 today, Haid?" I tried to explain that I love so many of the Psalms' focus on God being the One who frees us from shame. There are so many times when the writer of the psalm is begging God things like, "Save me from disgrace!" "Don't let my enemies gloat over me!" "Keep me from shame!" And the list could go on...
Those kinds of prayers have been often on my lips since I moved to this country. Really, try living where you don't know the language, you're a young female, and there are so many cultural rules that it simply isn't possible to memorize or follow them all...and see how often you end up praying that God keeps you from shame! :) Misspoken words, misread actions, the wrong response at the wrong time to a sentence that you didn't quite catch or understand...the possibilities are endless.
Today was good, but it was one of those personally-frustrating days where it seemed like shameful possibilities just kept getting thrown in my face. Cindy mentioned casually over lunch today that she'd had a good talk with some of the other ladies about the difficulties and worries there are when working with young missionaries. (I KNOW that she didn't actually mean it as an accusation, but I'm definitely the youngest person here...and I don't have to think too far back into my distant memory to find things like...oh, shutting down a program, messing with finances, hurting a lot of people...all on my track record. Bother.) I don't have to think far at all before I notice my shyness that is all-to-often debilitating when I'm supposed to speak or lead, and how often I don't say things when I'm supposed to or say things when I'm not supposed to...sigh. And I don't have to think at all to notice how often I respond in tightness or sadness or fear rather than the comfortable, "this is all going to pass, let's deal with it reasonably and logically" sense that adults seem to carry with them. Besides all of those greatly encouraging thoughts, tonight coming home I decided it was high time to send an email to another friend of mine, clarifying relationships in general...knowing that any ordinary person's response to that would be something like, "What is this young girl trying to say?! She's crazy to even be thinking this way!!"
Sigh. The moral of the story is either 1). don't be young and stupid, 2). live in a cave, or 3). pray like the psalmists did.
Working with kids, sometimes a person finds that even as he/she is finishing a task, the child is behind him/her, making another mess or ruining just what was done before...I feel often like this in working with myself. I'll be going along thinking, "Wow! How cool is this!?" and then turn around to see the spilled milk, broken cookies, messy toys, and say, "Who did this?!"...only to be faced with myself as the culprit.
Here are similarly-minded musings from earlier today:
The more I struggle to be free,
The more the twist entangles me...
Brought to my knees, past thought of lying,
Until I'm crawling, rolling, crying...
Facing the blood that's been on my hands,
Then watching you, guilty I stand
And I wait for the judgement call.
No strong killer nor pure one,
Courageous nor holy I come,
Selfishness and fear the blood on my hands,
Tearer of strings, twister of bands,
Covered with remants of webs woven
Scratched, bruised, relationships cloven,
Of myself, there's no hope at all.
But...
You don't leave me on my knees,
You grasp the deep roots of the weed,
When the spines tear Your flesh, You don't look back,
And grace and love for all I lack
Of courage, truth, or love in me
Comes rushing in, like the sea
I'm no longer void--You're my all.
Rather bad poetry, but I blame it on the fact that I was listening to a lecture in Japanese about fish the same time I was writing it... :)
Today was our "One day Christian seminar" at church, or something like that, and this morning's seminar was entitled "Where does power for living come from?" I enjoyed it, even though I understood only about 5% of it...I think what the speaker was saying is that our power for living comes from God's love...(how's that for a very short summary? :))
I agree with that idea completely... I think of Jesus, experiencing the shame of our sin, God leaving Him, and dying on a cross...and then think of the Holy Spirit, coming to live and fill where I lack...it's really, truly, the only place that power comes from that is good.
Enough random reflections for one night. Praise God for new days...
Those kinds of prayers have been often on my lips since I moved to this country. Really, try living where you don't know the language, you're a young female, and there are so many cultural rules that it simply isn't possible to memorize or follow them all...and see how often you end up praying that God keeps you from shame! :) Misspoken words, misread actions, the wrong response at the wrong time to a sentence that you didn't quite catch or understand...the possibilities are endless.
Today was good, but it was one of those personally-frustrating days where it seemed like shameful possibilities just kept getting thrown in my face. Cindy mentioned casually over lunch today that she'd had a good talk with some of the other ladies about the difficulties and worries there are when working with young missionaries. (I KNOW that she didn't actually mean it as an accusation, but I'm definitely the youngest person here...and I don't have to think too far back into my distant memory to find things like...oh, shutting down a program, messing with finances, hurting a lot of people...all on my track record. Bother.) I don't have to think far at all before I notice my shyness that is all-to-often debilitating when I'm supposed to speak or lead, and how often I don't say things when I'm supposed to or say things when I'm not supposed to...sigh. And I don't have to think at all to notice how often I respond in tightness or sadness or fear rather than the comfortable, "this is all going to pass, let's deal with it reasonably and logically" sense that adults seem to carry with them. Besides all of those greatly encouraging thoughts, tonight coming home I decided it was high time to send an email to another friend of mine, clarifying relationships in general...knowing that any ordinary person's response to that would be something like, "What is this young girl trying to say?! She's crazy to even be thinking this way!!"
Sigh. The moral of the story is either 1). don't be young and stupid, 2). live in a cave, or 3). pray like the psalmists did.
Working with kids, sometimes a person finds that even as he/she is finishing a task, the child is behind him/her, making another mess or ruining just what was done before...I feel often like this in working with myself. I'll be going along thinking, "Wow! How cool is this!?" and then turn around to see the spilled milk, broken cookies, messy toys, and say, "Who did this?!"...only to be faced with myself as the culprit.
Here are similarly-minded musings from earlier today:
The more I struggle to be free,
The more the twist entangles me...
Brought to my knees, past thought of lying,
Until I'm crawling, rolling, crying...
Facing the blood that's been on my hands,
Then watching you, guilty I stand
And I wait for the judgement call.
No strong killer nor pure one,
Courageous nor holy I come,
Selfishness and fear the blood on my hands,
Tearer of strings, twister of bands,
Covered with remants of webs woven
Scratched, bruised, relationships cloven,
Of myself, there's no hope at all.
But...
You don't leave me on my knees,
You grasp the deep roots of the weed,
When the spines tear Your flesh, You don't look back,
And grace and love for all I lack
Of courage, truth, or love in me
Comes rushing in, like the sea
I'm no longer void--You're my all.
Rather bad poetry, but I blame it on the fact that I was listening to a lecture in Japanese about fish the same time I was writing it... :)
Today was our "One day Christian seminar" at church, or something like that, and this morning's seminar was entitled "Where does power for living come from?" I enjoyed it, even though I understood only about 5% of it...I think what the speaker was saying is that our power for living comes from God's love...(how's that for a very short summary? :))
I agree with that idea completely... I think of Jesus, experiencing the shame of our sin, God leaving Him, and dying on a cross...and then think of the Holy Spirit, coming to live and fill where I lack...it's really, truly, the only place that power comes from that is good.
Enough random reflections for one night. Praise God for new days...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sigh...
Why do I believe in grace?
Because I so often realize that the greatest evil does not come from outside of me, but from within...
Tonight, rather than eat my dinner, I ended up chatting in a mixture of awful English and Japanese with a guy that a friend introduced me to...the guy was a mathmetician, but apparently he was also somewhat of a philosopher, because I understood him and enjoyed our discussion immensely...
We started talking because he was asking me about a song that I'd written for my friend, who's a guitarist, and this math guy wanted to know the meaning of the song. The song is all about relationships...how most of the time, with people, our relationships are simply messed up. They are either too fake, or too forced; too distant, or too close. Jesus is the only One who gives us love and freedom...a torn curtain and enterance to the presence of the Holy of Holies, but also the freedom to chose to remain outside.
Anyway, so we're sitting at the table talking about this, which led to huge discussions on real love, the crusades, the fact that everyone holds to some belief, no matter what it is...good stuff. Then from dinner we went as a group of 6 to karaoke and sang more, just laughing and hanging out and having a good time.
The problem is that even throughout tonight, even while I was saying those things about love and good relationships through Jesus' strength, I still found myself drawing people to myself, rather than to God. Or at least, wanting to draw them to myself. Grrrrr. I'm not so into quoting old theologians, but Paul's quote I definitely do like: "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death?"
There's a Michelle Branch song that I really like, and the chorus goes something like, "If you want to, I can save you. I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares..." I sing that song at karaoke often, because I love it...and I love it because I live it, actually. There are so many people in this country who desperately are looking for someone who cares, and I so often try to save them myself. Pretty stupid. Ends up pretty messy. Pretty ridiculous...
Anyway, so even though the evening began with a song about good relationships and Jesus' love and salvation, it ended with me and Lindsey lying on our hot carpet in our living room confessing--sometimes with laughter, and sometimes with honest to goodness sorrow and shame--stories of relationships and how messy they can be...
Confession and forgiveness. Learning how to really live on God's power, and not my own, and let Him get glory, and not me...and rest secured in His love, not grasping for others'...note the previous posting on health...yeah. It is healthy...only because in the end, we say, with Paul, "Thanks be to God!"
Because I so often realize that the greatest evil does not come from outside of me, but from within...
Tonight, rather than eat my dinner, I ended up chatting in a mixture of awful English and Japanese with a guy that a friend introduced me to...the guy was a mathmetician, but apparently he was also somewhat of a philosopher, because I understood him and enjoyed our discussion immensely...
We started talking because he was asking me about a song that I'd written for my friend, who's a guitarist, and this math guy wanted to know the meaning of the song. The song is all about relationships...how most of the time, with people, our relationships are simply messed up. They are either too fake, or too forced; too distant, or too close. Jesus is the only One who gives us love and freedom...a torn curtain and enterance to the presence of the Holy of Holies, but also the freedom to chose to remain outside.
Anyway, so we're sitting at the table talking about this, which led to huge discussions on real love, the crusades, the fact that everyone holds to some belief, no matter what it is...good stuff. Then from dinner we went as a group of 6 to karaoke and sang more, just laughing and hanging out and having a good time.
The problem is that even throughout tonight, even while I was saying those things about love and good relationships through Jesus' strength, I still found myself drawing people to myself, rather than to God. Or at least, wanting to draw them to myself. Grrrrr. I'm not so into quoting old theologians, but Paul's quote I definitely do like: "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death?"
There's a Michelle Branch song that I really like, and the chorus goes something like, "If you want to, I can save you. I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares..." I sing that song at karaoke often, because I love it...and I love it because I live it, actually. There are so many people in this country who desperately are looking for someone who cares, and I so often try to save them myself. Pretty stupid. Ends up pretty messy. Pretty ridiculous...
Anyway, so even though the evening began with a song about good relationships and Jesus' love and salvation, it ended with me and Lindsey lying on our hot carpet in our living room confessing--sometimes with laughter, and sometimes with honest to goodness sorrow and shame--stories of relationships and how messy they can be...
Confession and forgiveness. Learning how to really live on God's power, and not my own, and let Him get glory, and not me...and rest secured in His love, not grasping for others'...note the previous posting on health...yeah. It is healthy...only because in the end, we say, with Paul, "Thanks be to God!"
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Reflections on health
Healthy things:
- running
- joining prayer group just because I want to
- playing lots of music
- having time to do volunteer work
- reminding people about how much God loves them
- persimmons (that I eat daily)
- writing and daydreaming in two languages
- studying and reading
- being stretched and grown
- learning self-control
- saying no
- loving people
- receiving forgiveness
Sorry, this may seem random...it's just a "reflect on blessings" sort of day. :)
- running
- joining prayer group just because I want to
- playing lots of music
- having time to do volunteer work
- reminding people about how much God loves them
- persimmons (that I eat daily)
- writing and daydreaming in two languages
- studying and reading
- being stretched and grown
- learning self-control
- saying no
- loving people
- receiving forgiveness
Sorry, this may seem random...it's just a "reflect on blessings" sort of day. :)
Sunday, November 16, 2008
"And I have someone waiting too..."
So, this weekend has been crazy-blessed in so many ways...
We've been decorating for Christmas all week, it seems, in our classes. Cindy's been making her students grab an ornament and hang it on our small tree in the prayer room, and then we've also been getting pictures of our classes and the tree...the festiveness of the season just brings more energy and life, I think. :) It's been interesting to watch our students too; some of them really dislike this season, and others enjoy Christmas simply because of the lights and everything, but few people get the whole "unto us a Child is born" type of joy... One lady last night asked, "Is it ok to smile at church during Christmas? Isn't it a serious time of year?" We all assured her that she could smile as much as she wanted... :)
Coffee House was yesterday, and we decided to do a pie contest in honor of Thanksgiving, and then decorate for Christmas afterwards! To our surprise and delight, and to the utter chaos of the evening, we had about 30 people come...kids, adults...even my older retired student who was the most lovely adopted grandfather I've ever seen for the kids... Then after Coffee House, a couple of the young adults just hung out singing songs, watching worship dramas, etc. :) It truly felt like Thanksgiving, down to the very end, where five of us were eating the remainders out of the pie plates with only our forks or spoons... :) Even though the event was supposed to end at 6pm, we were there until after 9pm singing, talking, and goofing around that included such things as Cindy demonstrating ballroom dance, me demonstrating rap, and a random group rendition of "Stand By Me."
Then today was an organ concert...SOO many people crammed into our little church! It's really so cool to see the church members reaching out to their community and welcoming people into the church...we had young kids glued to that organ, and students and neighborhood people coming in...
After the organ concert, I went out for a quick run before meeting Lindsey and Cindy to discuss our "after Christmas" goals and plans for the transitions coming up... Sometimes it's so weird here to look around at the ministry that is going on, and see all of these people that I've gotten to know and love...struggle through things with...email at all hours of the day or night :)...celebrate Christmases and Thanksgivings, etc...and realize that these aren't my people to keep. The next stage in my life will be starting sooner than I think, and it feels like mentally and emotionally, the switches will soon have to be starting...I need to pass on these people that I love to others, and even though I see how plentifully "the harvest" is here on so many levels, it maybe is not going to be my harvest to work...heh, is any of this making sense? I summed up how I was feeling today with one word: jealous. All of these people--why do I have to give them up? When I went running today, I was listening to a song that actually talks about a girl and guy having an affair...the title above is a line that really stuck out to me; "And I have someone waiting too..." I do have someone waiting--a whole other country, actually, and other opportunities and plans that God has in store...
"Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise..." These people, and everything that has happened here up to now, is God's...His work, His people, His timing...and indeed, there are so many blessings!
We've been decorating for Christmas all week, it seems, in our classes. Cindy's been making her students grab an ornament and hang it on our small tree in the prayer room, and then we've also been getting pictures of our classes and the tree...the festiveness of the season just brings more energy and life, I think. :) It's been interesting to watch our students too; some of them really dislike this season, and others enjoy Christmas simply because of the lights and everything, but few people get the whole "unto us a Child is born" type of joy... One lady last night asked, "Is it ok to smile at church during Christmas? Isn't it a serious time of year?" We all assured her that she could smile as much as she wanted... :)
Coffee House was yesterday, and we decided to do a pie contest in honor of Thanksgiving, and then decorate for Christmas afterwards! To our surprise and delight, and to the utter chaos of the evening, we had about 30 people come...kids, adults...even my older retired student who was the most lovely adopted grandfather I've ever seen for the kids... Then after Coffee House, a couple of the young adults just hung out singing songs, watching worship dramas, etc. :) It truly felt like Thanksgiving, down to the very end, where five of us were eating the remainders out of the pie plates with only our forks or spoons... :) Even though the event was supposed to end at 6pm, we were there until after 9pm singing, talking, and goofing around that included such things as Cindy demonstrating ballroom dance, me demonstrating rap, and a random group rendition of "Stand By Me."
Then today was an organ concert...SOO many people crammed into our little church! It's really so cool to see the church members reaching out to their community and welcoming people into the church...we had young kids glued to that organ, and students and neighborhood people coming in...
After the organ concert, I went out for a quick run before meeting Lindsey and Cindy to discuss our "after Christmas" goals and plans for the transitions coming up... Sometimes it's so weird here to look around at the ministry that is going on, and see all of these people that I've gotten to know and love...struggle through things with...email at all hours of the day or night :)...celebrate Christmases and Thanksgivings, etc...and realize that these aren't my people to keep. The next stage in my life will be starting sooner than I think, and it feels like mentally and emotionally, the switches will soon have to be starting...I need to pass on these people that I love to others, and even though I see how plentifully "the harvest" is here on so many levels, it maybe is not going to be my harvest to work...heh, is any of this making sense? I summed up how I was feeling today with one word: jealous. All of these people--why do I have to give them up? When I went running today, I was listening to a song that actually talks about a girl and guy having an affair...the title above is a line that really stuck out to me; "And I have someone waiting too..." I do have someone waiting--a whole other country, actually, and other opportunities and plans that God has in store...
"Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise..." These people, and everything that has happened here up to now, is God's...His work, His people, His timing...and indeed, there are so many blessings!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Intentionality...or simply blessings...
Mondays, because they are listed as days off, are always somewhat of a struggle. Because it's your day off, do you catch up on all of the work that you should be doing? Catch up on emails? Catch up on Japanese study? Use your time to connect with all the people you haven't gotten a chance to connect with? Do you lock yourself in your room? Clean your house?
Besides the simple question of what to do on Mondays, there are much bigger questions we've started discussing...such as, "What things are just good, and what things are actually God's will?" "What is simply busy-ness, and what is necessary?" "What are good relationship builders, and what's healthy alone time?" Anyway, if you want a better description of the mental job struggle (in poetic language even!), you should read Cindy's blog.
So often, we plan events or activities to be intentional, push people in some way towards something, connect groups together, etc. We almost always have a goal or vision for doing things, and that's good...but with Christmas coming on and a lot of extra stuff on the schedule, it seems like we're looking at our planners suddenly thinking, "When did we stop being about people and become an intentionality-driven event business?" Ok, that's definitely harsher sounding than I meant it to be! We need both the intentionality and the other side, and I know that...
Anyway, the whole reason that I'm writing all of this down is because it was a wonderful, non-business day, but in a lot of ways it felt like big ministry stuff got done. I talked to my family in the morning (chatted, rather, since my microphone broke...blah!), got out for a quick run and shower, and then ran to meet another student for a volunteer after-school program where I met many of our English school students, and met and chatted for awhile with one of my student's mothers! It was SO fun to just hang out with the kids, and talk to our students and their friends, and then getting to meet my student's mother was simply the topping on the cake...I'd NEVER met her before, and her son is one of my favorite students! And I learned that she volunteers every week at that school! Did intentional conversations happen, where I can point to things and say, "This was great!"? No. But the feeling overall is that connection was made...and it's kinda the feeling of, "Yay!" I wasn't looking for so many connections at all...but God just kept sending people along...
After the volunteer program, I came home, and Betsy and Mayo ended up stopping by and eating dinner. Then Mayo and I studied Japanese/English together for awhile...again, not intense connections, but just relaxed, normal opportunities to partake in every day life together.
Ok...really, I'm not dissing intentionality at all...but I love random relationship connections, and today was just a good reminder that I can plan programs all I want, to help myself feel busy and useful...but God mostly calls me to love the people around me...
Besides the simple question of what to do on Mondays, there are much bigger questions we've started discussing...such as, "What things are just good, and what things are actually God's will?" "What is simply busy-ness, and what is necessary?" "What are good relationship builders, and what's healthy alone time?" Anyway, if you want a better description of the mental job struggle (in poetic language even!), you should read Cindy's blog.
So often, we plan events or activities to be intentional, push people in some way towards something, connect groups together, etc. We almost always have a goal or vision for doing things, and that's good...but with Christmas coming on and a lot of extra stuff on the schedule, it seems like we're looking at our planners suddenly thinking, "When did we stop being about people and become an intentionality-driven event business?" Ok, that's definitely harsher sounding than I meant it to be! We need both the intentionality and the other side, and I know that...
Anyway, the whole reason that I'm writing all of this down is because it was a wonderful, non-business day, but in a lot of ways it felt like big ministry stuff got done. I talked to my family in the morning (chatted, rather, since my microphone broke...blah!), got out for a quick run and shower, and then ran to meet another student for a volunteer after-school program where I met many of our English school students, and met and chatted for awhile with one of my student's mothers! It was SO fun to just hang out with the kids, and talk to our students and their friends, and then getting to meet my student's mother was simply the topping on the cake...I'd NEVER met her before, and her son is one of my favorite students! And I learned that she volunteers every week at that school! Did intentional conversations happen, where I can point to things and say, "This was great!"? No. But the feeling overall is that connection was made...and it's kinda the feeling of, "Yay!" I wasn't looking for so many connections at all...but God just kept sending people along...
After the volunteer program, I came home, and Betsy and Mayo ended up stopping by and eating dinner. Then Mayo and I studied Japanese/English together for awhile...again, not intense connections, but just relaxed, normal opportunities to partake in every day life together.
Ok...really, I'm not dissing intentionality at all...but I love random relationship connections, and today was just a good reminder that I can plan programs all I want, to help myself feel busy and useful...but God mostly calls me to love the people around me...
An expert in the field of tortured looks...
So, maybe a little over a month ago I watched a movie called "Elizabethtown"... Because I can't quite read all the kanji on the back of DVD cases yet, renting movies is sometimes an interesting venture...whereas I expected this one to be simply light and fun, it was actually a movie that brought up tough stuff like death and suicide and family relations...however, even if it wasn't what was expected, I really liked it.
Orlando Bloom, the main male actor in the movie, plays the part of a business man who makes and sells shoes. He is kind of new in the business, and his first big product is a huge failure, costing his company more money than...is allowed, definitely. Anyway, struck by this resounding failure, Orlando (I forgot the character's name!) decides to commit suicide, and is just about ready to follow through on his decision when his cell phone rings...his sister, calling to tell him that his dad has just died, and asking him to go pick up his dad's body from where it was and bring it back to their place for burial. Orlando goes to fulfill his duty to his family, but has every intention of following through on his suicide plan when he finishes his responsibilities. The movie basically picks up there and goes through his process of meeting his dad's side of the family and another girl who listens and helps him heal...all the way through the story, Orlando's character goes through collecting "last looks," thinking that, because of his suicide plan, this will be the last time he meets such and such and so and so.
I've been thinking especially of Orlando's character being "an expert in the field of last looks" the last few days working here...but for us here, it's not necessarily last looks, but tortured looks that we see. I know that I've mentioned it before, but this week was just another reminder; when people start thinking new thoughts, and when the Holy Spirit starts tugging on someone's heart, they really do start looking tortured.
One of my students this last week had a new "tortured" face. We've been playing a lot of worship music together, and the student has always seemed just normally happy and in good spirits...this last week was a little different though...seemed to be fighting back tears in our evening worship time...
A part of me wishes dearly that it wouldn't be so difficult, or such a wrestling thing...but I know, in my heart, that the tortured look is actually a reason for celebration and joy. For the person with the tortured look, it is a time for crossing the line, an embracing of new ideas, a call to trust in a loving Father...and for us, it is so much a call for prayer!!
Praise God for His Holy Spirit working in hearts and minds...and I pray that the tortured look would be changed to one of trust, peace, and joy as our loving Savior is revealed more and more...
Orlando Bloom, the main male actor in the movie, plays the part of a business man who makes and sells shoes. He is kind of new in the business, and his first big product is a huge failure, costing his company more money than...is allowed, definitely. Anyway, struck by this resounding failure, Orlando (I forgot the character's name!) decides to commit suicide, and is just about ready to follow through on his decision when his cell phone rings...his sister, calling to tell him that his dad has just died, and asking him to go pick up his dad's body from where it was and bring it back to their place for burial. Orlando goes to fulfill his duty to his family, but has every intention of following through on his suicide plan when he finishes his responsibilities. The movie basically picks up there and goes through his process of meeting his dad's side of the family and another girl who listens and helps him heal...all the way through the story, Orlando's character goes through collecting "last looks," thinking that, because of his suicide plan, this will be the last time he meets such and such and so and so.
I've been thinking especially of Orlando's character being "an expert in the field of last looks" the last few days working here...but for us here, it's not necessarily last looks, but tortured looks that we see. I know that I've mentioned it before, but this week was just another reminder; when people start thinking new thoughts, and when the Holy Spirit starts tugging on someone's heart, they really do start looking tortured.
One of my students this last week had a new "tortured" face. We've been playing a lot of worship music together, and the student has always seemed just normally happy and in good spirits...this last week was a little different though...seemed to be fighting back tears in our evening worship time...
A part of me wishes dearly that it wouldn't be so difficult, or such a wrestling thing...but I know, in my heart, that the tortured look is actually a reason for celebration and joy. For the person with the tortured look, it is a time for crossing the line, an embracing of new ideas, a call to trust in a loving Father...and for us, it is so much a call for prayer!!
Praise God for His Holy Spirit working in hearts and minds...and I pray that the tortured look would be changed to one of trust, peace, and joy as our loving Savior is revealed more and more...
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Being made whole...
Sometimes I think that people just assume that missionaries are joyful, bubbly, seeing God work everywhere...either that or we seem to have a reputation for being social outcasts... :) Funny how different those two reputations are...
Being as last week was retreat and all the VYMers were together, it's been a good time lately to reflect on community and mission work and relationships and reputations in general... The week of community is always good, and the love that I feel towards all of these people who used to be strangers but who are now family is really hard to describe to those who've never experienced it...but in with the goodness there is always somewhat of an ache. I've never really gotten to chose my relationships in this country...and there are so many people on the other side of the island that I love dearly but whom, in reality, I'll only see a couple more times before I have to leave the country. The tension of a group of people who love each other, but have to remain separate from each other, is just plain difficult...
Anyway, especially with all of the change that's happened on this side of the island in the last year, it was a little hard to feel like a part of the big group of Vers...there is so much that has been experienced, fought through, feared through, and prayed through here that we never shared with people while we were going through that time...in fact, there is so much that simply is underneath the surface...I don't think about my old city so often, but sometimes when I think about going home for the evening, I think of my old apartment and curling up in front of the heater. Yesterday I called our grocery store here, Shimizu foods, the name of the grocery store that was there, Lion Dor... And yesterday, when my pastor seemed as though maybe he wanted me to do one thing and I instead chose to do something else, I had to mentally remind myself again and again..."Don't worry! He can be angry with you and not hate you...he can disagree with you and still love you...it's ok..."
I hate typing all of these things, really, and I hated feeling as though there was this huge, silent barrier between the group and us when we went to Tokyo...but even as I can say "yada!!!" in response to these thoughts and to painful loving and community, I found a quote from Beth Moore today that seemed to provide just the right hope for what last week felt like in Tokyo and even what yesterday felt like here...
"The richest testimonies come from people God has made whole and who still remember what it was like to be broken."
I like that a lot...throw out some of those regular missionary labels of "people-person," "social outcast," "religious fanatic," etc., and try this: someone God has made whole who still remembers what it was like to be broken...
Being as last week was retreat and all the VYMers were together, it's been a good time lately to reflect on community and mission work and relationships and reputations in general... The week of community is always good, and the love that I feel towards all of these people who used to be strangers but who are now family is really hard to describe to those who've never experienced it...but in with the goodness there is always somewhat of an ache. I've never really gotten to chose my relationships in this country...and there are so many people on the other side of the island that I love dearly but whom, in reality, I'll only see a couple more times before I have to leave the country. The tension of a group of people who love each other, but have to remain separate from each other, is just plain difficult...
Anyway, especially with all of the change that's happened on this side of the island in the last year, it was a little hard to feel like a part of the big group of Vers...there is so much that has been experienced, fought through, feared through, and prayed through here that we never shared with people while we were going through that time...in fact, there is so much that simply is underneath the surface...I don't think about my old city so often, but sometimes when I think about going home for the evening, I think of my old apartment and curling up in front of the heater. Yesterday I called our grocery store here, Shimizu foods, the name of the grocery store that was there, Lion Dor... And yesterday, when my pastor seemed as though maybe he wanted me to do one thing and I instead chose to do something else, I had to mentally remind myself again and again..."Don't worry! He can be angry with you and not hate you...he can disagree with you and still love you...it's ok..."
I hate typing all of these things, really, and I hated feeling as though there was this huge, silent barrier between the group and us when we went to Tokyo...but even as I can say "yada!!!" in response to these thoughts and to painful loving and community, I found a quote from Beth Moore today that seemed to provide just the right hope for what last week felt like in Tokyo and even what yesterday felt like here...
"The richest testimonies come from people God has made whole and who still remember what it was like to be broken."
I like that a lot...throw out some of those regular missionary labels of "people-person," "social outcast," "religious fanatic," etc., and try this: someone God has made whole who still remembers what it was like to be broken...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Attempt at clarity
Wait! I should clarify the whole "hiding behind a personality test" comment... Mercy people tend to struggle with words and relational changes. :) Note I put the weakness with words first, because I can barely make sense of anything I wrote in the last post. :)
Half-processing times of change...
I've neglected this blog quite sadly this week, but that has mostly been because of a lack of time, not from a lack of wanting to write...
In reality, this week has just involved crazy relationship changes...Atsush, kinda like my brother, is moving to Tokyo...I had a nightmare that is actually based in reality, and a good dream that's really not based in reality at all...we're meeting the new missionaries and everyone in Tokyo in a few days and will be trying to figure out again what community looks like outside of Niigata...
Even though it may seem like hiding behind a title/personality test, I hate change of relationships. Other things, like moving, or new schedules, or randomness, I can handle...but relationship changes always make me want to curl up on the floor in a ball and cry.
I can't explain how confusing it feels sometimes to relate to someone as a normal friend, or as a coworker...it's funny the things that become confusing when you live here! I remember when I was home this summer too, thinking to myself, "She (another person I was with) is a good friend, and she has connected with me by email and everything while I've been gone...why can I not open up and talk with her now?!" It's like you lose the boundaries that are "normal" in relationships, and I don't really know what's normal and what's not anymore...and I can only manage either "clingy" or "distant"...does that make sense?
So I'll go to Tokyo and stumble around a little bit, trying to figure out the balance between good friends, coworkers, family, and new relationships...hopefully catch some time with the band :), and probably come back to Niigata reminded again of how much I love Tokyo dearly...
As a random note, the garbage truck just came by singing, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go..." :)
And with that, I need to go to church...this was very random, sorry. :)
In reality, this week has just involved crazy relationship changes...Atsush, kinda like my brother, is moving to Tokyo...I had a nightmare that is actually based in reality, and a good dream that's really not based in reality at all...we're meeting the new missionaries and everyone in Tokyo in a few days and will be trying to figure out again what community looks like outside of Niigata...
Even though it may seem like hiding behind a title/personality test, I hate change of relationships. Other things, like moving, or new schedules, or randomness, I can handle...but relationship changes always make me want to curl up on the floor in a ball and cry.
I can't explain how confusing it feels sometimes to relate to someone as a normal friend, or as a coworker...it's funny the things that become confusing when you live here! I remember when I was home this summer too, thinking to myself, "She (another person I was with) is a good friend, and she has connected with me by email and everything while I've been gone...why can I not open up and talk with her now?!" It's like you lose the boundaries that are "normal" in relationships, and I don't really know what's normal and what's not anymore...and I can only manage either "clingy" or "distant"...does that make sense?
So I'll go to Tokyo and stumble around a little bit, trying to figure out the balance between good friends, coworkers, family, and new relationships...hopefully catch some time with the band :), and probably come back to Niigata reminded again of how much I love Tokyo dearly...
As a random note, the garbage truck just came by singing, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go..." :)
And with that, I need to go to church...this was very random, sorry. :)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Evening bath time...
"Do you know how people do something bad, and then think, 'I won't do that again!', but in reality they soon commit the same sin again?" (a very loose translation of my pastor's words last night...)
The others of us in the room (Cindy, me, and another girl who isn't yet baptized) were all sitting there nodding. We were curled up on the floor of what has been deemed the "prayer room," where we have worship and prayer times twice a week from 9:15pm-10pm. Before we began offering the two worship times, Sensei (my pastor...sorry, the Japanese "sensei" is just engrained in me!) asked if he could also give a short message during that time. Cindy and I were a little hesitant to approve, because we'd originally wanted to offer the times as simply worship and prayer in God's presence...not more learning, but a little more experiential and peaceful...but in the end said, "Sure! Go ahead!" And I'm so glad that he was inspired/that we said yes...
I'll admit that we're all still learning what those times look like, and sometimes I know it has to be anything but worship done by angel choirs...I'll be stumbling through some new Japanese worship song I found, and others will be trying to follow along as best they can, and the sound we make maybe equals other-worldly, but not so beautiful. :) We don't really have a set structure, so some days there is prayer and some days not, and some days a message and some days not...
But I was reflecting last night, as Sensei spoke about confession, forgiveness, and freedom based on Psalm 51, that we are so incredibly blessed to have these times. And so often lately it seems like God uses the words of Sensei's simple message to hit my heart, and almost everytime he finishes speaking, I want to say something like, "God is so good!" or "Isn't salvation so amazing?!" :) Truly, it is being taught so that we can respond with praise...
Yay for God's blessing on pastors who teach with love and joy...yay for times to be reminded again and again, with different word pictures, about how great our God really is...
Another church member who comes to the evening worship times says that it's like a hot bath...you think, "Blah, I'm tired, I don't want to get a bath tonight!" but then you get into the warmth and realize, "Ahh...this is exactly what I needed!" She says it's the same way with worship...by evening, she is tired and ready to go to bed...but upon entering the time of prayer and worship, she's wrapped in the warmth of God's presence and the community of believers and realizes, "Ahhh...this is exactly what I needed!"
The others of us in the room (Cindy, me, and another girl who isn't yet baptized) were all sitting there nodding. We were curled up on the floor of what has been deemed the "prayer room," where we have worship and prayer times twice a week from 9:15pm-10pm. Before we began offering the two worship times, Sensei (my pastor...sorry, the Japanese "sensei" is just engrained in me!) asked if he could also give a short message during that time. Cindy and I were a little hesitant to approve, because we'd originally wanted to offer the times as simply worship and prayer in God's presence...not more learning, but a little more experiential and peaceful...but in the end said, "Sure! Go ahead!" And I'm so glad that he was inspired/that we said yes...
I'll admit that we're all still learning what those times look like, and sometimes I know it has to be anything but worship done by angel choirs...I'll be stumbling through some new Japanese worship song I found, and others will be trying to follow along as best they can, and the sound we make maybe equals other-worldly, but not so beautiful. :) We don't really have a set structure, so some days there is prayer and some days not, and some days a message and some days not...
But I was reflecting last night, as Sensei spoke about confession, forgiveness, and freedom based on Psalm 51, that we are so incredibly blessed to have these times. And so often lately it seems like God uses the words of Sensei's simple message to hit my heart, and almost everytime he finishes speaking, I want to say something like, "God is so good!" or "Isn't salvation so amazing?!" :) Truly, it is being taught so that we can respond with praise...
Yay for God's blessing on pastors who teach with love and joy...yay for times to be reminded again and again, with different word pictures, about how great our God really is...
Another church member who comes to the evening worship times says that it's like a hot bath...you think, "Blah, I'm tired, I don't want to get a bath tonight!" but then you get into the warmth and realize, "Ahh...this is exactly what I needed!" She says it's the same way with worship...by evening, she is tired and ready to go to bed...but upon entering the time of prayer and worship, she's wrapped in the warmth of God's presence and the community of believers and realizes, "Ahhh...this is exactly what I needed!"
My God is Mighty to Save...
So, it's currently cold season in Niigata...and I don't mean chilly, I mean coughs and sniffles and the like. :( Since Sunday I've been wandering around with a sore throat and I think I'm finally giving in to the runny nose and cough too...blah!
A person doesn't realize quite how much singing or talking he or she really does until you're suddenly without a voice. :( Teaching is definitely a profession where having a voice is rather important, and I do SOOOO much singing every week...however, singing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes" yesterday at the kindergarten produced a sound somewhere between a bullfrog and a squawking parrot...interesting! (Thankfully, my 3-year-olds didn't mind at all. :))
While I wouldn't recommend adopting a cold, I have been struck by how much more listening I've been doing rather than singing. Usually, if a song is on, I'm singing along, or humming along, or something along those lines...now I'm mouthing the words, but not even really trying to get out a sound and am forced to hear, loud and clear, the words and message behind the melody.
It's always useful to shut up and listen for awhile, isn't it? :)
I've been listening to Hillsong's "Mighty to Save" song over and over since last night, and have been struck by the blatant, confident words:
"Savior, He can move a mountain. My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."
Over and over, "He is mighty to save..." It makes me stop, give myself a palm-to-forehead smack, and be reminded how often I go through the days thinking, "What can I save?" rather than thinking about the true Savior.
We've been talking about spiritual gifts in my Wednesday morning class (there's a whole story behind how that started, but that's another time), and I've labelled myself and been labelled by others as a "mercy" person. A mercy person, just to give a quick definition, is driven by people's needs. Mercy people go through life driven by seeing pain and sorrow, hunger, etc., and try to figure out how to heal, help, and provide. Ask me about truth, and I don't have so much to say. Ask me about pain and love and God's presence in human life, and I have a lot to say...
Anyway, the main point is that it's easy...so easy!!...for me to run around thinking that I'm the savior...because that is part of my job, my calling--to help "save" people. But I can't actually do the job--and Jesus did the ultimate saving--and sometimes I just need to remember that while saving is my calling it is God's CHARACTER...the essence of who He is. Love, saving grace, strength and power that is unmatched...this is my God.
When I think of that, I just want to sit and curl up and cry...with relief, because it frees me...with shame, because of how often I try to solve things without going to the real Savior...with the sorrow of knowing that right now, I am separated from my Savior and see Him as "in a mirror"...sometimes the longing "to see face to face" is so strong!!!
Ok, and maybe some of the curling up and wanting to cry has to do with the fact that I'm sick and want to go to bed. :) But really, leave it to God to give you good listening even when you can't sing and feel miserable...it is good.
Anyway, I'd recommend hitting up the song on youtube at least...and taking a moment to bask in the fact that God truly is "mighty to save"...
A person doesn't realize quite how much singing or talking he or she really does until you're suddenly without a voice. :( Teaching is definitely a profession where having a voice is rather important, and I do SOOOO much singing every week...however, singing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes" yesterday at the kindergarten produced a sound somewhere between a bullfrog and a squawking parrot...interesting! (Thankfully, my 3-year-olds didn't mind at all. :))
While I wouldn't recommend adopting a cold, I have been struck by how much more listening I've been doing rather than singing. Usually, if a song is on, I'm singing along, or humming along, or something along those lines...now I'm mouthing the words, but not even really trying to get out a sound and am forced to hear, loud and clear, the words and message behind the melody.
It's always useful to shut up and listen for awhile, isn't it? :)
I've been listening to Hillsong's "Mighty to Save" song over and over since last night, and have been struck by the blatant, confident words:
"Savior, He can move a mountain. My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."
Over and over, "He is mighty to save..." It makes me stop, give myself a palm-to-forehead smack, and be reminded how often I go through the days thinking, "What can I save?" rather than thinking about the true Savior.
We've been talking about spiritual gifts in my Wednesday morning class (there's a whole story behind how that started, but that's another time), and I've labelled myself and been labelled by others as a "mercy" person. A mercy person, just to give a quick definition, is driven by people's needs. Mercy people go through life driven by seeing pain and sorrow, hunger, etc., and try to figure out how to heal, help, and provide. Ask me about truth, and I don't have so much to say. Ask me about pain and love and God's presence in human life, and I have a lot to say...
Anyway, the main point is that it's easy...so easy!!...for me to run around thinking that I'm the savior...because that is part of my job, my calling--to help "save" people. But I can't actually do the job--and Jesus did the ultimate saving--and sometimes I just need to remember that while saving is my calling it is God's CHARACTER...the essence of who He is. Love, saving grace, strength and power that is unmatched...this is my God.
When I think of that, I just want to sit and curl up and cry...with relief, because it frees me...with shame, because of how often I try to solve things without going to the real Savior...with the sorrow of knowing that right now, I am separated from my Savior and see Him as "in a mirror"...sometimes the longing "to see face to face" is so strong!!!
Ok, and maybe some of the curling up and wanting to cry has to do with the fact that I'm sick and want to go to bed. :) But really, leave it to God to give you good listening even when you can't sing and feel miserable...it is good.
Anyway, I'd recommend hitting up the song on youtube at least...and taking a moment to bask in the fact that God truly is "mighty to save"...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Invitations to Bible study...
So, I'm going to copy Pamela and just give this all in conversation format, because it really is funny...
I'm with one of my classes, which is composed of three middle-aged ladies and one younger guy who is around my age. We have a good time teasing the younger guy, of course, and he plays the part of class clown with much chivalry and hilarity. Anyway, this was a conversation we had in class this last week during our tea break:
Lady 1: How many classes do you have here?
Me: I don't really know.
Lady 2 (pulling out schedule): Here, let's count...around 25? Wow! That's a lot!
Me: Well, we have around 100 students.
Ladies (in unison): Wow!
Boy (who looks slightly clueless, grabbing the class schedule sheet): Hey, where did you get that schedule of classes?
Lady 1 (looking very motherly): It's right downstairs...
Boy (looking at schedule): Hey, maybe I'll join the Saturday Bible study!
- Short break while the entire class (including me, sad to say) stares at him in surprise. -
Lady 1: You should! It would be good practice!
Lady 2: Can anyone come to Bible study?
Me: Yes, you're very welcome to come.
Lady 1: Is it a very positive experience to come to Bible study, do you think?
Me: Well, I think so. You know, we are here teaching English, but we also want to share what we know about Jesus' love and peace with people. So I think coming to Bible study is very good!
Lady 2 (talking to the boy): Well, you should go!
Lady 3: It will be good practice for you!
Lady 1: Yes, you definitely should go to Bible study!
Lady 2: And then come back and tell us what it's like!
At this point, my poor young guy who didn't expect to get such support from his classmates, blushes and tells me, "Ok then, I'll come to Bible study tomorrow."
And that, folks, is how God uses non-Christians to invite non-Christians to Bible study. Hehe. :)
I'm with one of my classes, which is composed of three middle-aged ladies and one younger guy who is around my age. We have a good time teasing the younger guy, of course, and he plays the part of class clown with much chivalry and hilarity. Anyway, this was a conversation we had in class this last week during our tea break:
Lady 1: How many classes do you have here?
Me: I don't really know.
Lady 2 (pulling out schedule): Here, let's count...around 25? Wow! That's a lot!
Me: Well, we have around 100 students.
Ladies (in unison): Wow!
Boy (who looks slightly clueless, grabbing the class schedule sheet): Hey, where did you get that schedule of classes?
Lady 1 (looking very motherly): It's right downstairs...
Boy (looking at schedule): Hey, maybe I'll join the Saturday Bible study!
- Short break while the entire class (including me, sad to say) stares at him in surprise. -
Lady 1: You should! It would be good practice!
Lady 2: Can anyone come to Bible study?
Me: Yes, you're very welcome to come.
Lady 1: Is it a very positive experience to come to Bible study, do you think?
Me: Well, I think so. You know, we are here teaching English, but we also want to share what we know about Jesus' love and peace with people. So I think coming to Bible study is very good!
Lady 2 (talking to the boy): Well, you should go!
Lady 3: It will be good practice for you!
Lady 1: Yes, you definitely should go to Bible study!
Lady 2: And then come back and tell us what it's like!
At this point, my poor young guy who didn't expect to get such support from his classmates, blushes and tells me, "Ok then, I'll come to Bible study tomorrow."
And that, folks, is how God uses non-Christians to invite non-Christians to Bible study. Hehe. :)
Sunday, October 5, 2008
From becoming a hermit to playing hostess...the things we do by God's grace!
So, it's not a surprise to many people who know me when I say things like, "I just need a cave to curl up in for awhile!" or "I'm really going to become a hermit...promise!" Lindsey, poor girl, has simply gotten accustomed to me walking in the house and saying something like, "If I don't go into my room and shut the door for a couple of hours, I'm going to bite the head off the next person who speaks to me!"
Many times the wanting-to-bite-heads-off feeling doesn't happen because someone intentionally did something upsetting, but is simply because I'm surrounded by people and conversation quite a bit...and for an introvert, that's difficult in and of itself. A younger guy from Shirone summed it up well in a conversation we had once:
Him: "How was work today?"
Me: "Fine."
Him: "You must be tired. That's hard work."
Me: "Not so tired...it's not so hard. You work two jobs! I'm not half as busy as you!"
Him: "Yeah, but you have to talk to people all day, whether you want to or not."
Anyway, when I lived in Shirone, introversion was not something encouraged, understood, or looked upon in any good light whatsoever...and it's just become natural for me, in some respects, to look at the calendar, see an open day, and plan some kind of event or gathering with people (A year and a half in Shirone taught me that if I didn't plan something, someone else would!).
Anyway, this weekend has been one of those weekends...where there is nothing really special going on, yet I have been constantly biting back frustrated words and retorts when people speak to me and have been dearly in need of some alone time...and in the midst of it all, because there was nothing special planned today after church, Lindsey and I decided to host an Italian dinner party for young women. All week I have been complaining to God a little bit about it, "Why do You let me plan these things!?! I know I don't have to, but these party invitations just come out of my mouth before I can stop them...and I don't want to see people!"
So tonight there were 7 of us gathered around the table, eating, drinking, talking, and playing games...a not-so-normal mix of girls, really. Yet somehow, Lindsey was able to cook amazing food...and somehow, the girls were able to eat, relax and connect with each other. And somehow, during the evening, one who is not a Christian but is studying the Bible, suggested to another girl that maybe she might like studying the Bible. And somehow another girl, who is a Christian, invited a girl to come to Sunday worship, to which the girl replied, "I've been thinking about coming! Maybe I'll see you there!"
I think I know the "how" behind all of those "somehow"'s.
*Happy dance...then, remembering my attitude of the week, a blush of shame*
I know that it's dangerous to just go crazy planning events and things, but sometimes God has ideas for people that I know nothing about...(ok, sometimes?!?! all the time, actually. :)) And often, I'm amazed at how He'll take the thing that I feel the weakest at (hostessing, people, relationships...blah...) and use that for channels to spread His glory and the knowledge of His Son.
How many times has that rung true: "[God's] power is made perfect in weakness"? At least one more time today. :) Praise God for His grace...
Many times the wanting-to-bite-heads-off feeling doesn't happen because someone intentionally did something upsetting, but is simply because I'm surrounded by people and conversation quite a bit...and for an introvert, that's difficult in and of itself. A younger guy from Shirone summed it up well in a conversation we had once:
Him: "How was work today?"
Me: "Fine."
Him: "You must be tired. That's hard work."
Me: "Not so tired...it's not so hard. You work two jobs! I'm not half as busy as you!"
Him: "Yeah, but you have to talk to people all day, whether you want to or not."
Anyway, when I lived in Shirone, introversion was not something encouraged, understood, or looked upon in any good light whatsoever...and it's just become natural for me, in some respects, to look at the calendar, see an open day, and plan some kind of event or gathering with people (A year and a half in Shirone taught me that if I didn't plan something, someone else would!).
Anyway, this weekend has been one of those weekends...where there is nothing really special going on, yet I have been constantly biting back frustrated words and retorts when people speak to me and have been dearly in need of some alone time...and in the midst of it all, because there was nothing special planned today after church, Lindsey and I decided to host an Italian dinner party for young women. All week I have been complaining to God a little bit about it, "Why do You let me plan these things!?! I know I don't have to, but these party invitations just come out of my mouth before I can stop them...and I don't want to see people!"
So tonight there were 7 of us gathered around the table, eating, drinking, talking, and playing games...a not-so-normal mix of girls, really. Yet somehow, Lindsey was able to cook amazing food...and somehow, the girls were able to eat, relax and connect with each other. And somehow, during the evening, one who is not a Christian but is studying the Bible, suggested to another girl that maybe she might like studying the Bible. And somehow another girl, who is a Christian, invited a girl to come to Sunday worship, to which the girl replied, "I've been thinking about coming! Maybe I'll see you there!"
I think I know the "how" behind all of those "somehow"'s.
*Happy dance...then, remembering my attitude of the week, a blush of shame*
I know that it's dangerous to just go crazy planning events and things, but sometimes God has ideas for people that I know nothing about...(ok, sometimes?!?! all the time, actually. :)) And often, I'm amazed at how He'll take the thing that I feel the weakest at (hostessing, people, relationships...blah...) and use that for channels to spread His glory and the knowledge of His Son.
How many times has that rung true: "[God's] power is made perfect in weakness"? At least one more time today. :) Praise God for His grace...
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Walking in the dark...alone
I've been thinking for several days about trying to post reflections of the last week, but seem to be quite wordless when it comes down to it...so will attempt to sum up some random thoughts of the last couple of days before I crawl into bed here.
Maybe it's because I was homeschooled...I'm not sure why...but I always try to explain to my students why I am leading them through the exercises that we're doing in class. I try to encourage them to have a hand in what they are learning and how they are learning it, and often will stop the class to process about an activity that we finished... Anyway, because of this, activities that are planned to go only 30 min. sometimes go for an hour, and my classes are just accustomed to working off of activities more than textbooks.
Last week during my Friday night class, we were studying a newspaper story in the textbook, and so I decided that this week I would steal Cindy's idea and have a "Current Events" sharing time at the end of the class...ok, well...it turned out to be the whole class time. The students all tried to remember recent news-stories, and they discussed them in groups using English, and then we chose two stories to discuss as a large group. I was facinated by the news that they chose to share...stories of murder were written up on the board right beside "Russel Crowe Gains 25 Kg," and rice poisoning was right next to stories of American politics. The story that the class chose to talk about first though, was the story of an arson that happened in Oosaka recently. The fire apparently happened in a small room that can be rented out and used to watch movies...or as a cheap place to spend the night for business men or homeless people. The fire was lit by a man who was known for odd behavior, and because 15 people died, it is highly likely that the arsonist will be given the death penalty.
I asked my students their opinions about the motives the arsonist must have had, and one lady said very bluntly, "I think the man was lonely. Many people now are looking for good relationships, but they can't find any...so they do crazy things and do not care about any penalty, etc."
Loneliness. The woman's answer shocked me a little. I can picture killing people out of anger, or out of fear, or out of greed...but out of loneliness? Doesn't that seem a little odd?
In America, I never really pictured loneliness as something so severe...yes, in fairy tales people die of broken hearts, but those are only stories, right? But, as I also shared with my students as we talked about this incident, loneliness in Japan just seems a little different. I will be walking down the street, and catch someone's eye, and suddenly feel a stab of pain. A new student can walk into the church and ask about classes, and he or she can have a smile the entire time, but for some reason I will sometimes feel an ache for them I can't explain...
I've given up trying to analyze it, and now simply try to reach out and connect with more or pray for those who make the "pain signal" go off inside of me... But now I find myself thinking of my student's answer--"loneliness"--and I think what sets it off, so often, is the look of loneliness that I see either in their eyes or just in the way they walk.
This country is so rich and healthy in some respects...and so, incredibly dark and painful in others.
I'm not going to leave you with that dark thought though. :)
Yesterday I was reflecting on 1 John, where it says, "God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all." The Bible goes on to say that if we are in the light, we have fellowship with each other and the blood of Christ purifies us... I was thinking about that idea of walking out our lives surrounded by light--God's very presence and essence. He's not walking beside us, behind us, ahead of us...we are walking inside of Him! How's that for a close relationship?! And then that very Light draws us into relationship with one another as well...
You don't have to be living in the dark. And you don't have to be living life alone. There is light, and there is a relationship with God that is closer than we can fully grasp...and relationships with each other as brothers and sisters...
There's a song that we've been singing here recently, and part of it goes like this:
よの光なるイエス様、愛の光で、わたしをつつみ、暗い心を照らして下さい。
The translation is something like, "Jesus, God of light, wrap me with the light of love, and please shine on my darkened heart." A prayer that fits for us, yes, but one that I also would ask you to pray for so many others too...
Maybe it's because I was homeschooled...I'm not sure why...but I always try to explain to my students why I am leading them through the exercises that we're doing in class. I try to encourage them to have a hand in what they are learning and how they are learning it, and often will stop the class to process about an activity that we finished... Anyway, because of this, activities that are planned to go only 30 min. sometimes go for an hour, and my classes are just accustomed to working off of activities more than textbooks.
Last week during my Friday night class, we were studying a newspaper story in the textbook, and so I decided that this week I would steal Cindy's idea and have a "Current Events" sharing time at the end of the class...ok, well...it turned out to be the whole class time. The students all tried to remember recent news-stories, and they discussed them in groups using English, and then we chose two stories to discuss as a large group. I was facinated by the news that they chose to share...stories of murder were written up on the board right beside "Russel Crowe Gains 25 Kg," and rice poisoning was right next to stories of American politics. The story that the class chose to talk about first though, was the story of an arson that happened in Oosaka recently. The fire apparently happened in a small room that can be rented out and used to watch movies...or as a cheap place to spend the night for business men or homeless people. The fire was lit by a man who was known for odd behavior, and because 15 people died, it is highly likely that the arsonist will be given the death penalty.
I asked my students their opinions about the motives the arsonist must have had, and one lady said very bluntly, "I think the man was lonely. Many people now are looking for good relationships, but they can't find any...so they do crazy things and do not care about any penalty, etc."
Loneliness. The woman's answer shocked me a little. I can picture killing people out of anger, or out of fear, or out of greed...but out of loneliness? Doesn't that seem a little odd?
In America, I never really pictured loneliness as something so severe...yes, in fairy tales people die of broken hearts, but those are only stories, right? But, as I also shared with my students as we talked about this incident, loneliness in Japan just seems a little different. I will be walking down the street, and catch someone's eye, and suddenly feel a stab of pain. A new student can walk into the church and ask about classes, and he or she can have a smile the entire time, but for some reason I will sometimes feel an ache for them I can't explain...
I've given up trying to analyze it, and now simply try to reach out and connect with more or pray for those who make the "pain signal" go off inside of me... But now I find myself thinking of my student's answer--"loneliness"--and I think what sets it off, so often, is the look of loneliness that I see either in their eyes or just in the way they walk.
This country is so rich and healthy in some respects...and so, incredibly dark and painful in others.
I'm not going to leave you with that dark thought though. :)
Yesterday I was reflecting on 1 John, where it says, "God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all." The Bible goes on to say that if we are in the light, we have fellowship with each other and the blood of Christ purifies us... I was thinking about that idea of walking out our lives surrounded by light--God's very presence and essence. He's not walking beside us, behind us, ahead of us...we are walking inside of Him! How's that for a close relationship?! And then that very Light draws us into relationship with one another as well...
You don't have to be living in the dark. And you don't have to be living life alone. There is light, and there is a relationship with God that is closer than we can fully grasp...and relationships with each other as brothers and sisters...
There's a song that we've been singing here recently, and part of it goes like this:
よの光なるイエス様、愛の光で、わたしをつつみ、暗い心を照らして下さい。
The translation is something like, "Jesus, God of light, wrap me with the light of love, and please shine on my darkened heart." A prayer that fits for us, yes, but one that I also would ask you to pray for so many others too...
Friday, September 26, 2008
When sticky notes just aren't good enough...
Having three younger brothers, I grew up watching out for the things that my brothers would forget and misplace. Something deep inside me, I guess, wants to be able to say, in response to the questioning look on another face, "Your keys are inside your coat pocket." "Your glasses are in the bedroom." "Your coat is under your boots under the basement stairs, tho I have no idea why it's there..."
Even now, I think, I love to have answers for people's questions. Cindy loves to dream big dreams, and I'm usually the one following behind her with a notebook and a list of bullet points, ready to give an answer and logical plan when she needs one. I have electronic sticky notes all over my computer usually, filled with answers that I may need at some time for some program...
I was reflecting again tonight that God doesn't call me to build programs or big churches, but simply to walk in relationship with Him. Maybe, to put it more bluntly, God doesn't care about the number of my sticky notes or bullet points. He cares about my heart.
Hehe. Lindsey just ran upstairs and asked, "Where is my phone?" And I answered, without looking, "On the table."
So, once again this is going to be a post reflecting about mushy things like love, grace, and the fact that relationship is more important than religion...(can I say something like that here?!)
Sigh. I feel like I could be so much more hard-nosed, a go-getter, someone regarded as wise, if I would only stir myself up enough to research some deep doctrine. Or maybe if I was strong, I could at least be respected for the forcefulness behind my beliefs. But in reality, I often just feel like a wishy-washy person always preaching about love. And the times that I even do reflect on turning into a deep, doctrinally-wise person, I find myself battling with pride like none other...
I just finished reading Oswald Chambers, and I'm going to quote him for you a little: (it was under the title, "the Method of Missions")
"The challenge to the missionary does not come on the line that people are difficult to get saved...but along the line of his own personal relationship to Jesus Christ. 'Believe ye that I am able to do this?' Our Lord puts that question steadily, it faces us in every individual case we meet. The one great challenge is--Do I know my Risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God's sight, and foolish enough according to the world, to bank on what Jesus Christ has said, or am I abandoning the great supernatural position, which is the only call for the missionary, viz., boundless confidence in Christ Jesus? If I take up any other method I depart altogether from the methods laid down by Our Lord--'All power is given unto Me..., therefore go ye.'"
I especially like the part asking about knowing God, and knowing His Spirit. The idea of knowing intimately, relationally, God Himself...and that is the method we use for missions and life.
Sigh. I feel like I'm just a little out of wack, and I know that truth and doctrine are good and wonderful, and I'm probably totally one-sided here...
But for now, am being called away from my lists and answers back into the throne room...back into what it means to be known and filled with God.
Even now, I think, I love to have answers for people's questions. Cindy loves to dream big dreams, and I'm usually the one following behind her with a notebook and a list of bullet points, ready to give an answer and logical plan when she needs one. I have electronic sticky notes all over my computer usually, filled with answers that I may need at some time for some program...
I was reflecting again tonight that God doesn't call me to build programs or big churches, but simply to walk in relationship with Him. Maybe, to put it more bluntly, God doesn't care about the number of my sticky notes or bullet points. He cares about my heart.
Hehe. Lindsey just ran upstairs and asked, "Where is my phone?" And I answered, without looking, "On the table."
So, once again this is going to be a post reflecting about mushy things like love, grace, and the fact that relationship is more important than religion...(can I say something like that here?!)
Sigh. I feel like I could be so much more hard-nosed, a go-getter, someone regarded as wise, if I would only stir myself up enough to research some deep doctrine. Or maybe if I was strong, I could at least be respected for the forcefulness behind my beliefs. But in reality, I often just feel like a wishy-washy person always preaching about love. And the times that I even do reflect on turning into a deep, doctrinally-wise person, I find myself battling with pride like none other...
I just finished reading Oswald Chambers, and I'm going to quote him for you a little: (it was under the title, "the Method of Missions")
"The challenge to the missionary does not come on the line that people are difficult to get saved...but along the line of his own personal relationship to Jesus Christ. 'Believe ye that I am able to do this?' Our Lord puts that question steadily, it faces us in every individual case we meet. The one great challenge is--Do I know my Risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God's sight, and foolish enough according to the world, to bank on what Jesus Christ has said, or am I abandoning the great supernatural position, which is the only call for the missionary, viz., boundless confidence in Christ Jesus? If I take up any other method I depart altogether from the methods laid down by Our Lord--'All power is given unto Me..., therefore go ye.'"
I especially like the part asking about knowing God, and knowing His Spirit. The idea of knowing intimately, relationally, God Himself...and that is the method we use for missions and life.
Sigh. I feel like I'm just a little out of wack, and I know that truth and doctrine are good and wonderful, and I'm probably totally one-sided here...
But for now, am being called away from my lists and answers back into the throne room...back into what it means to be known and filled with God.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Looking forward to a home...
Yesterday I was running along the sea, watching huge waves crash into the beach, and it was maybe the first time the thought hit me: I'm going to be leaving here soon. The thought brought me full circle, back to when I was leaving America and I was thinking of Abraham, called by God to pick up and move. In Hebrews it says Abraham could pick up and leave because he knew that he was a foreigner on earth, and was waiting for a home and country of his own--a heavenly one (ok, so maybe that's paraphrasing it very loosely, but that's the thought that sticks out for me when I read those verses).
A home.
Today, since it was a day off (dare I even admit this?!), I borrowed a dvd from Lindsey's collection and watched the second half of the long version of Pride and Prejudice. She had laughingly referred it to me before, after watching Pirates of the Caribbean with me and being on the receiving end of my detailed discussions regarding character development. :) It definitely lived up to her promise--I revelled in watching the girls of this family develop and grow up and get married, and now I'm curled up in my room with my computer reflecting on life and growth and what it means to have a home.
A month ago, when I had just really moved here, I was reflecting upon not getting close to this place--possibly, if I didn't make it feel like home, then it won't hurt to leave it in the spring...at least, that's what I thought. But yesterday running and reflecting on the waves suddenly sprung a thought into my head; I am, truly, at home here. I run up and down the steps of my house with a wild disregard for their steepness, wander through the house at night in the dark without tripping over half so many things... :) and know the shortest ways to good places to get chocolate and eat Indian curry... :)
When did that happen? I wonder. When did I start to feel at home here? I'm not sure...and I say it with a sigh, because I know that the call to move again will be coming very soon, really. Where will the call tell me to go next? I'm not sure. Probably somewhere as wonderfully-specific as "To the place I will show you." :)
To follow. That's what's important...though what that even looks like, often, I don't know. Here in this country there are so many loose ends--discipleship, music, liturgical dance (if you really want a crazy option!). Yet so many of those things I don't really want to do nor can I do them, because I'm not Japanese. So what is my role...?
Not saving the world. Not bringing contextualized music to a culture. Not starting new ministries to reach the youth culture. Just walking to "the place God will show me." Or is that too simple of an answer?
A home.
Today, since it was a day off (dare I even admit this?!), I borrowed a dvd from Lindsey's collection and watched the second half of the long version of Pride and Prejudice. She had laughingly referred it to me before, after watching Pirates of the Caribbean with me and being on the receiving end of my detailed discussions regarding character development. :) It definitely lived up to her promise--I revelled in watching the girls of this family develop and grow up and get married, and now I'm curled up in my room with my computer reflecting on life and growth and what it means to have a home.
A month ago, when I had just really moved here, I was reflecting upon not getting close to this place--possibly, if I didn't make it feel like home, then it won't hurt to leave it in the spring...at least, that's what I thought. But yesterday running and reflecting on the waves suddenly sprung a thought into my head; I am, truly, at home here. I run up and down the steps of my house with a wild disregard for their steepness, wander through the house at night in the dark without tripping over half so many things... :) and know the shortest ways to good places to get chocolate and eat Indian curry... :)
When did that happen? I wonder. When did I start to feel at home here? I'm not sure...and I say it with a sigh, because I know that the call to move again will be coming very soon, really. Where will the call tell me to go next? I'm not sure. Probably somewhere as wonderfully-specific as "To the place I will show you." :)
To follow. That's what's important...though what that even looks like, often, I don't know. Here in this country there are so many loose ends--discipleship, music, liturgical dance (if you really want a crazy option!). Yet so many of those things I don't really want to do nor can I do them, because I'm not Japanese. So what is my role...?
Not saving the world. Not bringing contextualized music to a culture. Not starting new ministries to reach the youth culture. Just walking to "the place God will show me." Or is that too simple of an answer?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Half-cooked bars, 40+ people, and a house church?! aka An Incoherent Posting about Exciting Things God is Doing
So, today was the church's typical "Coffee House" day...the third Sunday of the month. Coffee House is the monthly English event that is held and run by us teachers and usually involves attempts at connecting students and church members, etc. However, this month we decided to do things a little differently, and we decided to hold an open house in our new home in Niigata city.
Notes/advice for those wanting to hold open houses:
1. Don't do all of your baking at night.
2. When you do all of your baking, check the oven to make sure both the top and bottom is going to be heated.
So, I really can cook...promise!...but Friday night as I was making bars and breads and the like, I was struck by the fact that almost all of my food was coming out a little raw on the bottom, while the top seemed quite done. I'm not going to go into detail about the different attempts that were made to make the food edible...let's just say it involved different ingredients, a microwave, etc. It distinctly reminded me of living in Kawasaki, when we didn't have an oven and tried to make a batch of cookies with our microwave and fish frier. :) (note: the fish frier works really well...honestly!)
Anyway, so by last night, the night before the open house, when we realized that the church members were mostly going to be busy preparing for an event for the next week (and they were going to be using the room we wanted to use for icebreaker activities), I was just a little bit nervous. It was definitely one of those nights where I was thinking, "Why do I work for the church? Why couldn't I get some nice 9-5 job where I could just minister to people without leading events and having to act like such an extrovert..."
Anyway, so that was me complaining. Which my coworkers took very graciously, I might add (as always...thank God!).
Thank God that He doesn't just let me be complainitory for too long also, because He definitely had crazy plans for today. Somewhere around 40+ people crammed into our house, and the originally-planned 2 hours of icebreaker activities, food, and talking turned into 6-7 hours of talking, laughing, games, music, the beginning of a liturgical dance group, an impromptu evening worship service and prayer time, the singing of a newly-written song, connections of multiple people to multiple other people who can possibly bring them into the church, and, to top it all off, the discovery that two of our junior high girls who have randomly been coming to Coffee House and hearing the devotions, etc., have been praying to find out whether God was real or not, God somehow answered their prayer, and then they prayed that they could be forgiven and believe in Jesus!!!!!
- insert dancing for joy here -
I'll back up and take this a little more slowly. So the normal Coffee House time is from 1-3pm, which is not a big deal, and we sometimes do evening worship afterwards made up of Taize songs and the like. About 2:45pm at the house, some students were getting ready to leave, and they requested that before they leave Atsushi and I play through some of our random music repetoire. So we sang through half a dozen worship songs, etc. Then I had to leave to connect some student's mother with her daughter, who had left just a few minutes prior to her mother coming...anyway, I was a little worried, so I walked back to the church with my student's mother, which provided good talking time. By the time I made it back to the house, more people had cleared out a little bit, and I was greated with the news that the two junoir high girls believe in Jesus! After saying "Yay!" for a few minutes, I was grabbed by another student who is a song writer who'd given me a song that he wanted me to write lyrics for...which started another 45 minutes of singing random Japanese pop songs, worship songs, etc. After which a church member brought over her newborn baby to pass around to meet people, and then Sensei called saying that a new girl who's bilingual and a dancer was going to come over to the house. So then we all started talking about liturgical dance and I pulled out my computer to show Atsushi examples, and since he's studied dancing, he started dancing along with my youtube songs. :) Bets joined him, and by the time the dancer actually arrived, we had a whole house full of people wanting to meet her and wondering what this strange new form of worship really is about...
Sidenote: the reason that I keep coming back to liturgical dance is because I've seen the role that dance plays in this culture, and it's much more important than it is in America...anyway, so I was struck with the possibilities that liturgical dance would have in terms of connecting with the younger generation here...so, as of last week, was praying for something like that to happen (kind of praying in this "and if you really want to do something crazy God, there's always this option)...low and behold, a dancer SHOWS UP AT OUR DOOR a few days later! How's that for crazy!!!!!
Anyway, so with the dancer at the house (did I mention that she's a Christian?), we decided to do an evening music worship service as a send-off for Atsushi moving to Oosaka for awhile. And then we prayed for him...
As people slowly trickled out, I talked with a church member who literally was glowing as she described her chat with one of my students. The two ladies seemed to hit it off well, and now the church member is already thinking of how she could involve them in different worship times or activities...
Anyway...I'll stop and catch a breath here for a moment! :) Sorry for the incoherentness of this! I wish so much that I could capture for you some of what we saw here today...I can put down some of the words, the schedule, the cool things that took place. But I can't even really begin to explain, for example, the look on one of my student's face...he was curled up in the corner, feeling very odd crammed into a house with all these other people that he didn't know necessarily...and he never ever sings with us as we worship...but he just sits and listens, and his face relaxes, but it relaxes out of it's constant, forced smile into lines of pain...
So, basically, we shoved him into a house with a lot of strange people, and then we made him sit through worship and prayer times with a God that he doesn't believe in...and when he finally did leave around 6pm, you could practically see the hunger on his face when he said something to the extent of, "I'm looking forward to coming again."
"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few."
Today was like being surrounded by the harvest. I'm seeing it in all different stages, and at all different times. Cindy, Lindsey, and Betsy and I sat around for awhile after everyone finally had left and had to talk and worship and pray and process...and the only thing we can come down to, again, is simply, "God is doing something big."
So we have people coming in and out; friends, relatives, neighbors, students...people who are non-Christian mingling with those who are...not really set schedules or anything, but just times of singing praise and reading the Bible and praying together...people becoming Christian right under our noses...people who are hungry being drawn in...this afternoon was, yes, very house-churchish and crazy and totally--TOTALLY--God's Spirit working.
Sigh. Is it any wonder that this post is incoherent? :)
Notes/advice for those wanting to hold open houses:
1. Don't do all of your baking at night.
2. When you do all of your baking, check the oven to make sure both the top and bottom is going to be heated.
So, I really can cook...promise!...but Friday night as I was making bars and breads and the like, I was struck by the fact that almost all of my food was coming out a little raw on the bottom, while the top seemed quite done. I'm not going to go into detail about the different attempts that were made to make the food edible...let's just say it involved different ingredients, a microwave, etc. It distinctly reminded me of living in Kawasaki, when we didn't have an oven and tried to make a batch of cookies with our microwave and fish frier. :) (note: the fish frier works really well...honestly!)
Anyway, so by last night, the night before the open house, when we realized that the church members were mostly going to be busy preparing for an event for the next week (and they were going to be using the room we wanted to use for icebreaker activities), I was just a little bit nervous. It was definitely one of those nights where I was thinking, "Why do I work for the church? Why couldn't I get some nice 9-5 job where I could just minister to people without leading events and having to act like such an extrovert..."
Anyway, so that was me complaining. Which my coworkers took very graciously, I might add (as always...thank God!).
Thank God that He doesn't just let me be complainitory for too long also, because He definitely had crazy plans for today. Somewhere around 40+ people crammed into our house, and the originally-planned 2 hours of icebreaker activities, food, and talking turned into 6-7 hours of talking, laughing, games, music, the beginning of a liturgical dance group, an impromptu evening worship service and prayer time, the singing of a newly-written song, connections of multiple people to multiple other people who can possibly bring them into the church, and, to top it all off, the discovery that two of our junior high girls who have randomly been coming to Coffee House and hearing the devotions, etc., have been praying to find out whether God was real or not, God somehow answered their prayer, and then they prayed that they could be forgiven and believe in Jesus!!!!!
- insert dancing for joy here -
I'll back up and take this a little more slowly. So the normal Coffee House time is from 1-3pm, which is not a big deal, and we sometimes do evening worship afterwards made up of Taize songs and the like. About 2:45pm at the house, some students were getting ready to leave, and they requested that before they leave Atsushi and I play through some of our random music repetoire. So we sang through half a dozen worship songs, etc. Then I had to leave to connect some student's mother with her daughter, who had left just a few minutes prior to her mother coming...anyway, I was a little worried, so I walked back to the church with my student's mother, which provided good talking time. By the time I made it back to the house, more people had cleared out a little bit, and I was greated with the news that the two junoir high girls believe in Jesus! After saying "Yay!" for a few minutes, I was grabbed by another student who is a song writer who'd given me a song that he wanted me to write lyrics for...which started another 45 minutes of singing random Japanese pop songs, worship songs, etc. After which a church member brought over her newborn baby to pass around to meet people, and then Sensei called saying that a new girl who's bilingual and a dancer was going to come over to the house. So then we all started talking about liturgical dance and I pulled out my computer to show Atsushi examples, and since he's studied dancing, he started dancing along with my youtube songs. :) Bets joined him, and by the time the dancer actually arrived, we had a whole house full of people wanting to meet her and wondering what this strange new form of worship really is about...
Sidenote: the reason that I keep coming back to liturgical dance is because I've seen the role that dance plays in this culture, and it's much more important than it is in America...anyway, so I was struck with the possibilities that liturgical dance would have in terms of connecting with the younger generation here...so, as of last week, was praying for something like that to happen (kind of praying in this "and if you really want to do something crazy God, there's always this option)...low and behold, a dancer SHOWS UP AT OUR DOOR a few days later! How's that for crazy!!!!!
Anyway, so with the dancer at the house (did I mention that she's a Christian?), we decided to do an evening music worship service as a send-off for Atsushi moving to Oosaka for awhile. And then we prayed for him...
As people slowly trickled out, I talked with a church member who literally was glowing as she described her chat with one of my students. The two ladies seemed to hit it off well, and now the church member is already thinking of how she could involve them in different worship times or activities...
Anyway...I'll stop and catch a breath here for a moment! :) Sorry for the incoherentness of this! I wish so much that I could capture for you some of what we saw here today...I can put down some of the words, the schedule, the cool things that took place. But I can't even really begin to explain, for example, the look on one of my student's face...he was curled up in the corner, feeling very odd crammed into a house with all these other people that he didn't know necessarily...and he never ever sings with us as we worship...but he just sits and listens, and his face relaxes, but it relaxes out of it's constant, forced smile into lines of pain...
So, basically, we shoved him into a house with a lot of strange people, and then we made him sit through worship and prayer times with a God that he doesn't believe in...and when he finally did leave around 6pm, you could practically see the hunger on his face when he said something to the extent of, "I'm looking forward to coming again."
"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few."
Today was like being surrounded by the harvest. I'm seeing it in all different stages, and at all different times. Cindy, Lindsey, and Betsy and I sat around for awhile after everyone finally had left and had to talk and worship and pray and process...and the only thing we can come down to, again, is simply, "God is doing something big."
So we have people coming in and out; friends, relatives, neighbors, students...people who are non-Christian mingling with those who are...not really set schedules or anything, but just times of singing praise and reading the Bible and praying together...people becoming Christian right under our noses...people who are hungry being drawn in...this afternoon was, yes, very house-churchish and crazy and totally--TOTALLY--God's Spirit working.
Sigh. Is it any wonder that this post is incoherent? :)
Friday, September 19, 2008
Sometimes silence is all you can do...
I've thought about typing up this blog post for awhile now, but when you are going through a time of silence, it's hard to put it into words... :)
For some reason (maybe it's just "the grass is always greener on the other side"), I remember days back in the states when it seems like I could communicate well. I distinctly remember passing speech class, for example. :) I remember talking to church members and talking to friends and leading study groups and music rehearsals and multiple things...and then I often stop and ask myself, "is this just me looking at the past through rose-colored glasses?"
The truth of the matter is that communicating in any language here--English or Japanese--is difficult. I communicate better through music than using any other medium, it seems like, and that is not necessarily so intentional (ex. I just had some help figuring out the whole meaning behind a new worship song that I've been leading people in...I had understood about half of it, and it seemed to fit the theme of the week, so I decided to use it...thank goodness, the other half of the meaning that I previously didn't understand seems to also have fit the theme wonderfully...:))
I can tell you step-by-step what happens in my brain most of the time I start speaking in a public situation:
1. Speak half the sentence (or at least a few words), begin a long pause.
2. Suddenly have a billion thoughts come into my head at once and see an entire picture/diagram/proposal that is fairly well-thoughtout but seems to involve a million steps.
3. Struggle over deciding what to choose first or if I can even verbalize quite that many steps.
4. Reflect upon the fact that what I have to say may not be what the other person really wants to spend time listening to...especially if it seems that long.
5. Decide that my brain is slightly overheated and I should just give up.
Sigh. It was funny this summer to go back to America and just begin speaking like normal towards the end of 10 days...not because of language, but simply because I'm unused to regular...speaking. I'm not quite sure why.
Last week, after church, I tried to start a conversation with a church member and they just simply turned away without acknowledging that I said anything...a common occurence here, trust me. That is NOT actually because they don't want to talk to me (I think...I hope...hehe), but simply because...well, living in this country you get it drilled into your head that you're supposed to read the atmosphere, don't intrude or annoy people, etc. So I think most of the time when I address people, I do it in a quiet, is it maybe ok to have a small conversation with you? voice. I don't know. It's like being verbally invisible sometimes...
Anyway, I'm only typing all of this because it is an ongoing struggle for me here, and I get into these random funks where I can do my job and even hang out with people, but it's like speaking and communicating with them takes up all the energy I can muster up.... People say, "Oh, isn't Japanese difficult?!" And I want to say, "Words are difficult! Communication is difficult! Japanese is just...a language." And then I just roll my eyes at God and laugh over the very ironic fact that I'm an English conversation teacher. You know that whole "God's power is made perfect in weakness" idea...yeah. :)
For some reason (maybe it's just "the grass is always greener on the other side"), I remember days back in the states when it seems like I could communicate well. I distinctly remember passing speech class, for example. :) I remember talking to church members and talking to friends and leading study groups and music rehearsals and multiple things...and then I often stop and ask myself, "is this just me looking at the past through rose-colored glasses?"
The truth of the matter is that communicating in any language here--English or Japanese--is difficult. I communicate better through music than using any other medium, it seems like, and that is not necessarily so intentional (ex. I just had some help figuring out the whole meaning behind a new worship song that I've been leading people in...I had understood about half of it, and it seemed to fit the theme of the week, so I decided to use it...thank goodness, the other half of the meaning that I previously didn't understand seems to also have fit the theme wonderfully...:))
I can tell you step-by-step what happens in my brain most of the time I start speaking in a public situation:
1. Speak half the sentence (or at least a few words), begin a long pause.
2. Suddenly have a billion thoughts come into my head at once and see an entire picture/diagram/proposal that is fairly well-thoughtout but seems to involve a million steps.
3. Struggle over deciding what to choose first or if I can even verbalize quite that many steps.
4. Reflect upon the fact that what I have to say may not be what the other person really wants to spend time listening to...especially if it seems that long.
5. Decide that my brain is slightly overheated and I should just give up.
Sigh. It was funny this summer to go back to America and just begin speaking like normal towards the end of 10 days...not because of language, but simply because I'm unused to regular...speaking. I'm not quite sure why.
Last week, after church, I tried to start a conversation with a church member and they just simply turned away without acknowledging that I said anything...a common occurence here, trust me. That is NOT actually because they don't want to talk to me (I think...I hope...hehe), but simply because...well, living in this country you get it drilled into your head that you're supposed to read the atmosphere, don't intrude or annoy people, etc. So I think most of the time when I address people, I do it in a quiet, is it maybe ok to have a small conversation with you? voice. I don't know. It's like being verbally invisible sometimes...
Anyway, I'm only typing all of this because it is an ongoing struggle for me here, and I get into these random funks where I can do my job and even hang out with people, but it's like speaking and communicating with them takes up all the energy I can muster up.... People say, "Oh, isn't Japanese difficult?!" And I want to say, "Words are difficult! Communication is difficult! Japanese is just...a language." And then I just roll my eyes at God and laugh over the very ironic fact that I'm an English conversation teacher. You know that whole "God's power is made perfect in weakness" idea...yeah. :)
Monday, September 15, 2008
Monday seminars...
Today, even though it's a Monday, is the last day of the weekend here...Japanese people have this habit of planning all days off full of random (and, I confess, for me usually unpleasant) things. I went into the weekend knowing that we had a Monday holiday, and also knowing that there was already a day-long seminar planned and a financial meeting after that. :( While it's good for Japanese practice, I wasn't expecting anything restful.
However, the seminar went beyond my wildest expectations! The speaker was a young pastor who is working on a lay-leadership program in Hokkaido, and there were so many times today when he brought up things like prayer, studying the Bible simply because you like it, and even spiritual gifts and the different roles church members have. There were at least a few times when Cindy and I looked at each other and said something scandalous like, "I love him!" :) But in reality, it was so truly exciting that at random times I wanted to stand up and do a jig. There have been multiple times over the weekend that I've seen God bringing people to Nozomi church who are ready and looking for so much more than the Sunday-morning Christianity that they are accustomed to right now. And here is this pastor at least starting to talk about discipleship! Really, prayers for him and the work that he's doing, and these churches in general would be lovely!
However, the seminar went beyond my wildest expectations! The speaker was a young pastor who is working on a lay-leadership program in Hokkaido, and there were so many times today when he brought up things like prayer, studying the Bible simply because you like it, and even spiritual gifts and the different roles church members have. There were at least a few times when Cindy and I looked at each other and said something scandalous like, "I love him!" :) But in reality, it was so truly exciting that at random times I wanted to stand up and do a jig. There have been multiple times over the weekend that I've seen God bringing people to Nozomi church who are ready and looking for so much more than the Sunday-morning Christianity that they are accustomed to right now. And here is this pastor at least starting to talk about discipleship! Really, prayers for him and the work that he's doing, and these churches in general would be lovely!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
変わらない愛
I've just finished singing a song that has "unchanging love" (kawaranai ai--the title above) as the first line...
Tonight has the perfect feeling of Fall--a little crisp coolness that makes you want to curl up with a blanket, but it isn't too cold to eat ice cream... :) I ended up catching my early train home from the kindergarten today, and since the evening was so nice I decided to get off at Niigata station and walk back to the church rather than take my next train. It's about an hour walk, with half of the pathway being beside a river where you can see the lights of the city yet take in the stars, trees, the sound of waves, etc. Have I mentioned before that Niigata City is a beautiful place? :)
Anyway, I walked and listened to old band songs and just mourned in general, which felt like the perfect thing to do on such a night. It feels like a good chunk of my life in Japan is spent mourning...I'm always getting used to things, and then things change. Part of the reason is because the people close to me are always changing--it's the nature of the program. Part of the change is just the changes in job focuses all the time, and the changes that happen in relationships with the churches, where you can never quite understand what's going on because of the language.
It's funny, because working at Nozomi isn't new to me...but being here all the time is. This area isn't new to me...but living in this house is. Lindsey and Cindy aren't new to me per se, but our relationships have changed this semester.
And so much has changed simply in my personality and roles, it seems like. A year ago, I was quiet, not expecting to lead anyone except from behind, and my biggest concern was being nice to the people around me. Now I'm brainstorming, jumping in as a leader by default even when I shouldn't be...
Mourning tonight actually made me think of Laura and Efrain the most (my former coworkers). I remember going to Sado Island with the Nomura's and Betsy, Efrain's birthday party and farewell party, singing with Laura almost once a week. I still remember singing with her in the car for the last time--we were crying so it was difficult to sing, but then we had to laugh too because our voices would crack with emotion at the most inopportune times...I remember being Ef's little sister, and always being able to count on him for taking the crowd and being the one with charisma. Goodness...how long has it been? But I still miss them. Being full-time at this place and not having him here is harder and weirder than I thought. Like, why would you mourn people 5 months after they left? I don't really know...
Sigh. It's really hard to work out of a place of unchanging love. I have a picture of what it could look like with my family, and with other people. But isn't it funny--and I hate myself for doing this!--how often we work out of the idea that we aren't loved? Working to impress, building relationships to protect, laying down rules to give ourselves roles and lines that give us identity...I do it so often. Especially here, when you can't understand the language and have the joy of knowing that you'll often screw up more often than you'll ever do anything right...it's really hard for me to go through changes and to not have the roles defined. Because if I don't have the roles defined, then I don't know if I'm doing things right, which means that I could screw up really big...or worse, I could just be screwing up all the time and acting really selfishly and people could be disagreeing with everything I do and I could just not be catching on at all...hehe, and this is dehibilitating self psycho-analyzing, de shou?
And all of this...makes me mourn the past again. I was safe with Ef and Laura, because we all had our roles and had them figured out. This...this is new and different and has already been messier than I would like it to be, in some respects.
I KNOW that it's good. On the worst days, I think that I'm barely working here as an English teacher now, and I'm not really doing anything worthwhile. On the better days, I realize that God has brought special people in every day, and the school seems to literally be exploding with new people coming in. Tonight we had a new boy come with his mother. They lived in Hawaii for a long time, and they want him to keep his English up...AND, get this, he's a Christian and he wants to be involved in a Sunday School or something. We've been looking for kid translators to help us start up a kid's program...and here this kid just walks thru our door and asks! It is things like this that make me realize that God's blessing is way more important than man's blessing...and seeing God's blessing is so very very exciting!
One girl came to my house and talked about "Who really is God?" for an hour Sunday night.
The kindergarten teacher came running with me to the train tonight and we again talked all the way to her house, and she invited me to the school sport's day later...
The "gifts class" starts tomorrow...don't ask me to explain it right now...it's just another example of God's blessing in ways that I could have NEVER pulled it together myself...
Don't ever let anyone tell you that being a missionary isn't a humbling experience--it is. Even the whole time that I'm writing all of this processing, I'm realizing how selfish it is to be thinking this way, and to being trying to get success and accomplishment and work to make myself and my relationships safe. Blah for human nature and sin. So, back to the unchanging love of God idea...so important.
Alright...have to actually prep for class tomorrow and go to bed. Enough selfish processing for tonight. :) At least I'm accompanied by Paul, who says, "The things that I want to do, I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I do. What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God in Christ Jesus..."
See? The answer: unchanging love.
Tonight has the perfect feeling of Fall--a little crisp coolness that makes you want to curl up with a blanket, but it isn't too cold to eat ice cream... :) I ended up catching my early train home from the kindergarten today, and since the evening was so nice I decided to get off at Niigata station and walk back to the church rather than take my next train. It's about an hour walk, with half of the pathway being beside a river where you can see the lights of the city yet take in the stars, trees, the sound of waves, etc. Have I mentioned before that Niigata City is a beautiful place? :)
Anyway, I walked and listened to old band songs and just mourned in general, which felt like the perfect thing to do on such a night. It feels like a good chunk of my life in Japan is spent mourning...I'm always getting used to things, and then things change. Part of the reason is because the people close to me are always changing--it's the nature of the program. Part of the change is just the changes in job focuses all the time, and the changes that happen in relationships with the churches, where you can never quite understand what's going on because of the language.
It's funny, because working at Nozomi isn't new to me...but being here all the time is. This area isn't new to me...but living in this house is. Lindsey and Cindy aren't new to me per se, but our relationships have changed this semester.
And so much has changed simply in my personality and roles, it seems like. A year ago, I was quiet, not expecting to lead anyone except from behind, and my biggest concern was being nice to the people around me. Now I'm brainstorming, jumping in as a leader by default even when I shouldn't be...
Mourning tonight actually made me think of Laura and Efrain the most (my former coworkers). I remember going to Sado Island with the Nomura's and Betsy, Efrain's birthday party and farewell party, singing with Laura almost once a week. I still remember singing with her in the car for the last time--we were crying so it was difficult to sing, but then we had to laugh too because our voices would crack with emotion at the most inopportune times...I remember being Ef's little sister, and always being able to count on him for taking the crowd and being the one with charisma. Goodness...how long has it been? But I still miss them. Being full-time at this place and not having him here is harder and weirder than I thought. Like, why would you mourn people 5 months after they left? I don't really know...
Sigh. It's really hard to work out of a place of unchanging love. I have a picture of what it could look like with my family, and with other people. But isn't it funny--and I hate myself for doing this!--how often we work out of the idea that we aren't loved? Working to impress, building relationships to protect, laying down rules to give ourselves roles and lines that give us identity...I do it so often. Especially here, when you can't understand the language and have the joy of knowing that you'll often screw up more often than you'll ever do anything right...it's really hard for me to go through changes and to not have the roles defined. Because if I don't have the roles defined, then I don't know if I'm doing things right, which means that I could screw up really big...or worse, I could just be screwing up all the time and acting really selfishly and people could be disagreeing with everything I do and I could just not be catching on at all...hehe, and this is dehibilitating self psycho-analyzing, de shou?
And all of this...makes me mourn the past again. I was safe with Ef and Laura, because we all had our roles and had them figured out. This...this is new and different and has already been messier than I would like it to be, in some respects.
I KNOW that it's good. On the worst days, I think that I'm barely working here as an English teacher now, and I'm not really doing anything worthwhile. On the better days, I realize that God has brought special people in every day, and the school seems to literally be exploding with new people coming in. Tonight we had a new boy come with his mother. They lived in Hawaii for a long time, and they want him to keep his English up...AND, get this, he's a Christian and he wants to be involved in a Sunday School or something. We've been looking for kid translators to help us start up a kid's program...and here this kid just walks thru our door and asks! It is things like this that make me realize that God's blessing is way more important than man's blessing...and seeing God's blessing is so very very exciting!
One girl came to my house and talked about "Who really is God?" for an hour Sunday night.
The kindergarten teacher came running with me to the train tonight and we again talked all the way to her house, and she invited me to the school sport's day later...
The "gifts class" starts tomorrow...don't ask me to explain it right now...it's just another example of God's blessing in ways that I could have NEVER pulled it together myself...
Don't ever let anyone tell you that being a missionary isn't a humbling experience--it is. Even the whole time that I'm writing all of this processing, I'm realizing how selfish it is to be thinking this way, and to being trying to get success and accomplishment and work to make myself and my relationships safe. Blah for human nature and sin. So, back to the unchanging love of God idea...so important.
Alright...have to actually prep for class tomorrow and go to bed. Enough selfish processing for tonight. :) At least I'm accompanied by Paul, who says, "The things that I want to do, I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I do. What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God in Christ Jesus..."
See? The answer: unchanging love.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The first week of class...
Statistics from the first week of class:
- Number of classes: 12
- Number of new observers: 6+?
- Number of times of morning prayer: 5
- Number of evening worship times: 2
- Number of surprising people brought to worship times: 3
- Number of crabby days: 1 (no more than that, right...? ;)
- Number of times we've seen God do miracles: more than I can count...(even more than the chocolate bars' statistic...)
Special highlights:
One lady in my music class...we're talking about "Leaving on a Jet Plane" and talking about how it ends kinda sadly...since she is studying the Bible, I just commented randomly that expecting to be filled with human love always ends sadly...cuz it doesn't fill us. Only God's love does that. Then we ended class with a quick listening of "Trading My Sorrows," and at the end of the listening, with an embarassed laugh that reminded me of a young school girl, the lady said, "God's love is so...big..." I was struck with how intimate that sounded; and she realized too that "big" was not a holy or far-off word for God...just big. Hence the embarassed giggle, I think. And I realized that God's really been working on this lady...and it sounds like she knows, finally, that she is loved...
My usual connections with junior highers or high schoolers involve seeing them walk into English class at 7pm, still not having eaten dinner and coming right from basketball or music or one of the other gazillion sports or activities or cram school lessons they have...pretty much, they're dead tired. But this morning I got to visit the high school where one of my former students is a teacher...and I got to meet all of her students! Basically, I spent a couple of hours walking around and laughing and talking to random kids all over. It was great to see them in their elements...so much praying needs to happen for this generation...
- Number of classes: 12
- Number of new observers: 6+?
- Number of times of morning prayer: 5
- Number of evening worship times: 2
- Number of surprising people brought to worship times: 3
- Number of crabby days: 1 (no more than that, right...? ;)
- Number of times I've asked the question "How was your summer vacation?": roughly one hundred! (it feels like it, at least)
- Number of chocolate squares eaten: a secret (is that really countable?!)- Number of times we've seen God do miracles: more than I can count...(even more than the chocolate bars' statistic...)
Special highlights:
One lady in my music class...we're talking about "Leaving on a Jet Plane" and talking about how it ends kinda sadly...since she is studying the Bible, I just commented randomly that expecting to be filled with human love always ends sadly...cuz it doesn't fill us. Only God's love does that. Then we ended class with a quick listening of "Trading My Sorrows," and at the end of the listening, with an embarassed laugh that reminded me of a young school girl, the lady said, "God's love is so...big..." I was struck with how intimate that sounded; and she realized too that "big" was not a holy or far-off word for God...just big. Hence the embarassed giggle, I think. And I realized that God's really been working on this lady...and it sounds like she knows, finally, that she is loved...
My usual connections with junior highers or high schoolers involve seeing them walk into English class at 7pm, still not having eaten dinner and coming right from basketball or music or one of the other gazillion sports or activities or cram school lessons they have...pretty much, they're dead tired. But this morning I got to visit the high school where one of my former students is a teacher...and I got to meet all of her students! Basically, I spent a couple of hours walking around and laughing and talking to random kids all over. It was great to see them in their elements...so much praying needs to happen for this generation...
Thursday, September 4, 2008
To take or not to take...
So, I've been wanting to post and reflecting on how I could put inside processing into words...being as the inside is usually just a jumble of emotions and confusion! :)
But I think I have the perfect concrete example from which to work off of: the Japanese proficiency test. The test is offered once a year, with registration happening in the summer and then the actual test being administered in December. Last December I took the first level (which, coincidentally, is level 4), and this year I could take level 3. My scores on level 4 weren't so bad, but level three has more kanji and vocab and new grammar stuff...and listening is actually pretty tricky...blah....
Do I want to go through the process of registering and be committed to studying? Is there even enough time left to study for me to pass? Would it be better to not waste the time and money on something that I know I'll be border-line passing on at best?...hmmmmm.
And then, the question of like...well, since I came back from vacation (and the question that I'm guessing we all have to get to at some point): how will I use Japanese in the future? If I'm planning on coming back and working here, or getting into a school here, I really need to study and take this test. However, if I'm just planning on going back to America and doing...something, then would it just be a waste of my time right now?
So the question, actually, goes deeper than the test. This country has a need that is so hidden, but so real...a couple of nights ago I was online trying to find original Japanese worship materials--anything that hasn't been translated from old Lutheran liturgy would have been alright with me!--not to say bad things about the liturgy--it's just very strange to be singing the SAME melody, just translated, as what I was singing back home--awful, I tell you!!!--anyway, I was trying to find original Japanese worship materials, and the few that I did find just made me ache, because it was so little...so little for a people who can be emotionally and symbolically touched on so many levels. This is the culture of the tea ceremony, shodo, flower arranging...ect. etc. etc. They feel emotions in special ways, with special meanings.
Anyway, enough ranting about the need for culturally-meaningful worship...culturally-meaningful Christianity...and the like.
Seeing the need, what is one to do? I don't want to live here for my whole life...but I love these people...does seeing the need mean that I should just plan on staying and trying to fill it? (ps - that would translate into me taking the Japanese proficiency test...just to try and connect my thoughts for you here...)
Sigh. I KNOW that the future is way out there, and that God holds it...so why the stressing now? Every once in awhile, with prayer and fighting thru anxiety, I seem to get to a place of trust. But (and this is like, the duh comment of the century) trust is so easy to lose...
I think about the evening worship planned for after classes tonight...I have a bilingual version of "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus," and we're reading the section of the Bible where Jesus walks on water and asks Peter to do the same. That's a good, simple picture for what this time feels like. Jesus walks into my life and asks me to come out to him on the water...yikes...but I can trust him.
Ok...so obviously no black and white answers for the future in this posting. :) But, I'm going to hop on my bike, and at least go to the bookstore and buy the registration packet for this test. And as for walking on water (i.e. trusting)...it definitely gives a person an adrenaline rush. :)
But I think I have the perfect concrete example from which to work off of: the Japanese proficiency test. The test is offered once a year, with registration happening in the summer and then the actual test being administered in December. Last December I took the first level (which, coincidentally, is level 4), and this year I could take level 3. My scores on level 4 weren't so bad, but level three has more kanji and vocab and new grammar stuff...and listening is actually pretty tricky...blah....
Do I want to go through the process of registering and be committed to studying? Is there even enough time left to study for me to pass? Would it be better to not waste the time and money on something that I know I'll be border-line passing on at best?...hmmmmm.
And then, the question of like...well, since I came back from vacation (and the question that I'm guessing we all have to get to at some point): how will I use Japanese in the future? If I'm planning on coming back and working here, or getting into a school here, I really need to study and take this test. However, if I'm just planning on going back to America and doing...something, then would it just be a waste of my time right now?
So the question, actually, goes deeper than the test. This country has a need that is so hidden, but so real...a couple of nights ago I was online trying to find original Japanese worship materials--anything that hasn't been translated from old Lutheran liturgy would have been alright with me!--not to say bad things about the liturgy--it's just very strange to be singing the SAME melody, just translated, as what I was singing back home--awful, I tell you!!!--anyway, I was trying to find original Japanese worship materials, and the few that I did find just made me ache, because it was so little...so little for a people who can be emotionally and symbolically touched on so many levels. This is the culture of the tea ceremony, shodo, flower arranging...ect. etc. etc. They feel emotions in special ways, with special meanings.
Anyway, enough ranting about the need for culturally-meaningful worship...culturally-meaningful Christianity...and the like.
Seeing the need, what is one to do? I don't want to live here for my whole life...but I love these people...does seeing the need mean that I should just plan on staying and trying to fill it? (ps - that would translate into me taking the Japanese proficiency test...just to try and connect my thoughts for you here...)
Sigh. I KNOW that the future is way out there, and that God holds it...so why the stressing now? Every once in awhile, with prayer and fighting thru anxiety, I seem to get to a place of trust. But (and this is like, the duh comment of the century) trust is so easy to lose...
I think about the evening worship planned for after classes tonight...I have a bilingual version of "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus," and we're reading the section of the Bible where Jesus walks on water and asks Peter to do the same. That's a good, simple picture for what this time feels like. Jesus walks into my life and asks me to come out to him on the water...yikes...but I can trust him.
Ok...so obviously no black and white answers for the future in this posting. :) But, I'm going to hop on my bike, and at least go to the bookstore and buy the registration packet for this test. And as for walking on water (i.e. trusting)...it definitely gives a person an adrenaline rush. :)
Monday, September 1, 2008
The beginning of 2nd semester
I was halfway to my coworker's house before I realized that as I was biking, I was singing under my breath: "Soaring, flying, there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach...if we're trying, now we're breakin free." (From some High School Musical...1 or 2?) Disney channel movies and music don't often come to mind, but I was "genki" and happy and the words and music just kept coming out.
That's what it feels like to know that I can work here...that I can be at Nozomi and work with Cindy and Lindsey and see these church members and students. And even though it's 2:30am on the day before classes start again, it feels...so good...so blessed...to be here. A few months ago, I thought I was going to be sent back to America, and it felt like my reputation, job, relationships, etc. were all going to turn really sour...it's such a miracle to still be here, and to not only be here but to be in the middle of once again praying for these people and seeing God act in ways that I can never imagine or guess...
There is a lot of stuff left to do, and tomorrow's gonna be an interesting day...I go to the kindergarten and deal with crazy kid's most of the day...but I can't describe really...can't even explain...the joy that comes from being so "close to the action"...watching God work...seeing Him free people...
yay!
Goodnight. :)
That's what it feels like to know that I can work here...that I can be at Nozomi and work with Cindy and Lindsey and see these church members and students. And even though it's 2:30am on the day before classes start again, it feels...so good...so blessed...to be here. A few months ago, I thought I was going to be sent back to America, and it felt like my reputation, job, relationships, etc. were all going to turn really sour...it's such a miracle to still be here, and to not only be here but to be in the middle of once again praying for these people and seeing God act in ways that I can never imagine or guess...
There is a lot of stuff left to do, and tomorrow's gonna be an interesting day...I go to the kindergarten and deal with crazy kid's most of the day...but I can't describe really...can't even explain...the joy that comes from being so "close to the action"...watching God work...seeing Him free people...
yay!
Goodnight. :)
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Of music and badminton...
So, just a few hours ago I returned from Nozomi summer camp, which involved spending a couple of half-days and a night at a retreat center in the mountains. Yesterday we all piled into cars with a lot of vegetables for the BBQ (for some reason, Japanese bbq's have no hamburgers and a lot of vegetables...), random sports equipment, my guitar, etc. etc., and we headed off...
The camp, in and of itself, wasn't really that interesting, but two grandkids of some of the church members came along to camp (an 8-year old boy and his younger sister), and it is actually for them that I've even sitting down and typing this.
I don't usually like roughhousing with the kids so much...in the past, I've left it up to Jenae, and now I can leave it up to Lindsey, but this 8-year old boy ended up being something akin to a "kindred spirit"... He's been playing piano for like, a year, and he's amazing! I was not faking it at all when I just sat and listened to him, spellbound, for a while. The joke of the night was Cindy pestering him to play a waltz so she and Niwa-san (a really genki church lady) could dance...the boy played and laughed.
And then bring in the badminton matches...ow! I think I can say with certainty that during many hours of badminton, I got my butt kicked by this kid. But mostly, we laughed and laughed... Whenever I was in the kitchen trying to help the ladies and be "grown up", he would come up to me, pull my hand, and say, "Let's play!!"
But beyond the "kindred spirit" bonding, there was this strange recognition of the fact that this kid could and should be a minister to other children...the perfect missionary to send to his age-group, ne? This kid has the music, has the joy and kindness to work with other people...now we just need prayers for his heart...
After the waltz, Niwa-san pulled at the boy and said, "Listen and remember this song: Haidee's gonna play you a really good song." So, I played part of "Inori" for him while he listened. It was funny to watch his face...a mixture of deep thought and appreciation of the music and processing the words...which probably wouldn't be funny, except for the fact that he really is 8 years old and most 8 year-olds that I know would listen to an adult playing a slow song on the piano and go "blah!"...
Anyway, this feels like randomness...actually, more traditionally-exciting things happened at camp too, like my student making it clear for the first time that he wants to study the Bible. Yay! :) But the thing that hits my "intuition spot"...maybe I should just say spirit? is that too far out there for most people?...is this kid...prayers for him and his sister, please!
(And if I'm going to have any future connection with him, maybe you should pray for my badminton ability too...) :) And now, after so many vegetables, I'm going to go consume some chocolate. :)
The camp, in and of itself, wasn't really that interesting, but two grandkids of some of the church members came along to camp (an 8-year old boy and his younger sister), and it is actually for them that I've even sitting down and typing this.
I don't usually like roughhousing with the kids so much...in the past, I've left it up to Jenae, and now I can leave it up to Lindsey, but this 8-year old boy ended up being something akin to a "kindred spirit"... He's been playing piano for like, a year, and he's amazing! I was not faking it at all when I just sat and listened to him, spellbound, for a while. The joke of the night was Cindy pestering him to play a waltz so she and Niwa-san (a really genki church lady) could dance...the boy played and laughed.
And then bring in the badminton matches...ow! I think I can say with certainty that during many hours of badminton, I got my butt kicked by this kid. But mostly, we laughed and laughed... Whenever I was in the kitchen trying to help the ladies and be "grown up", he would come up to me, pull my hand, and say, "Let's play!!"
But beyond the "kindred spirit" bonding, there was this strange recognition of the fact that this kid could and should be a minister to other children...the perfect missionary to send to his age-group, ne? This kid has the music, has the joy and kindness to work with other people...now we just need prayers for his heart...
After the waltz, Niwa-san pulled at the boy and said, "Listen and remember this song: Haidee's gonna play you a really good song." So, I played part of "Inori" for him while he listened. It was funny to watch his face...a mixture of deep thought and appreciation of the music and processing the words...which probably wouldn't be funny, except for the fact that he really is 8 years old and most 8 year-olds that I know would listen to an adult playing a slow song on the piano and go "blah!"...
Anyway, this feels like randomness...actually, more traditionally-exciting things happened at camp too, like my student making it clear for the first time that he wants to study the Bible. Yay! :) But the thing that hits my "intuition spot"...maybe I should just say spirit? is that too far out there for most people?...is this kid...prayers for him and his sister, please!
(And if I'm going to have any future connection with him, maybe you should pray for my badminton ability too...) :) And now, after so many vegetables, I'm going to go consume some chocolate. :)
Sex, the Holy Spirit, and a new blog
So, often in my life I've thought of God as my Father. The role of a child seems to be one of trust and learning from his/her father. Children don't really have to prove themselves to be loved...in fact, they may run away from the family's sense of values or work or relationship styles and still, they are part of the family. The kids aren't expected to have all of the answers to life's problems...I mean, c'mon, they're just children, ne? And the list goes on...
Disclaimer: All of this, I realize, is based on my relationship with my family and my own father...maybe for other's, a child-father relationship looks a little or even a lot different...but in my mind, this is the picture I get when I read of God being my Father. Safety. Security. Love...and not just any love, but someone who has to love me whether they want to or not. :)
Anyway, the reason for what some people might consider a scandalous title is because during the last week of prayer retreat here in Niigata, we (that being my coworkers here, Cindy and Lindsey, and my coworkers in Tokyo, Jenae and Amber) started to use the image of bride of Christ to describe us as the church, waiting for Christ's return. Suddenly, the mental picture of a sweaty boy running up and getting swung up on his dad's back for a ride was replaced by the picture of a grown woman, deciding to trust someone with knowing her, and deciding to love and commit to that person... She knows that it's gonna be hard, but she still steps down the aisle and says "I do."
I can't really even type that without a shiver of fear going down my spine...that much trust in a person is just plain frightening...to decide to be intimate with someone leaves a person really vulnerable.
But it's a really good difference to look at in terms of our relationship with God, it seems...I mean, the child is just one aspect of our relationship with God...the bride picture maybe starts us more on the road to discipleship and intimacy that we don't really dive into in our regular church services...
The other blog that I have is called "Learning to Fall"...(props to Amber for the title), because it really has been a time of falling, again and again. The last few months have been crazy-wonderful-painful growing-up months for me. There have been a lot of times when I've had to stand up and speak (I HATE speaking and being the leader...blah!...) and say really intense things (I used to value niceness much more than the truth...yeah, that's changing...).
But this "Breaking Silence" comes from two ideas, maybe: 1) the idea that God has called me to not simply be a child, but someone who is grown-up enough to speak. I know that I can either fight and be quiet, or I can continue to open my mouth. Usually opening my mouth involves some kind of speaking that makes me think, "God, why do you have me saying THAT?!?" It feels like the transition from only being a child, to grasping a little bit more of that bride image...I don't have to work with God only as a child...He's given me gifts and wisdom, and I think maybe he wants more from me than just trusting him to take care of me and those around me. And I don't have to work with God as a worker...someone who is grown up, making decisions and working together with a boss to complete a project... 2) If it's not just a child, and not a worker...it's this combination of trust, and love, and support, and fellowship...intimacy, ne. And intimacy, in my mind, seems to involve breaking silence also...
This seems to have a thousand different strands of ideas going in different directions...but I'm gonna let you tie the rest of them together for yourself. :) And if you really want more info on intimacy, let me know...
Disclaimer: All of this, I realize, is based on my relationship with my family and my own father...maybe for other's, a child-father relationship looks a little or even a lot different...but in my mind, this is the picture I get when I read of God being my Father. Safety. Security. Love...and not just any love, but someone who has to love me whether they want to or not. :)
Anyway, the reason for what some people might consider a scandalous title is because during the last week of prayer retreat here in Niigata, we (that being my coworkers here, Cindy and Lindsey, and my coworkers in Tokyo, Jenae and Amber) started to use the image of bride of Christ to describe us as the church, waiting for Christ's return. Suddenly, the mental picture of a sweaty boy running up and getting swung up on his dad's back for a ride was replaced by the picture of a grown woman, deciding to trust someone with knowing her, and deciding to love and commit to that person... She knows that it's gonna be hard, but she still steps down the aisle and says "I do."
I can't really even type that without a shiver of fear going down my spine...that much trust in a person is just plain frightening...to decide to be intimate with someone leaves a person really vulnerable.
But it's a really good difference to look at in terms of our relationship with God, it seems...I mean, the child is just one aspect of our relationship with God...the bride picture maybe starts us more on the road to discipleship and intimacy that we don't really dive into in our regular church services...
The other blog that I have is called "Learning to Fall"...(props to Amber for the title), because it really has been a time of falling, again and again. The last few months have been crazy-wonderful-painful growing-up months for me. There have been a lot of times when I've had to stand up and speak (I HATE speaking and being the leader...blah!...) and say really intense things (I used to value niceness much more than the truth...yeah, that's changing...).
But this "Breaking Silence" comes from two ideas, maybe: 1) the idea that God has called me to not simply be a child, but someone who is grown-up enough to speak. I know that I can either fight and be quiet, or I can continue to open my mouth. Usually opening my mouth involves some kind of speaking that makes me think, "God, why do you have me saying THAT?!?" It feels like the transition from only being a child, to grasping a little bit more of that bride image...I don't have to work with God only as a child...He's given me gifts and wisdom, and I think maybe he wants more from me than just trusting him to take care of me and those around me. And I don't have to work with God as a worker...someone who is grown up, making decisions and working together with a boss to complete a project... 2) If it's not just a child, and not a worker...it's this combination of trust, and love, and support, and fellowship...intimacy, ne. And intimacy, in my mind, seems to involve breaking silence also...
This seems to have a thousand different strands of ideas going in different directions...but I'm gonna let you tie the rest of them together for yourself. :) And if you really want more info on intimacy, let me know...
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