To take or not to take...

So, I've been wanting to post and reflecting on how I could put inside processing into words...being as the inside is usually just a jumble of emotions and confusion! :)

But I think I have the perfect concrete example from which to work off of: the Japanese proficiency test. The test is offered once a year, with registration happening in the summer and then the actual test being administered in December. Last December I took the first level (which, coincidentally, is level 4), and this year I could take level 3. My scores on level 4 weren't so bad, but level three has more kanji and vocab and new grammar stuff...and listening is actually pretty tricky...blah....

Do I want to go through the process of registering and be committed to studying? Is there even enough time left to study for me to pass? Would it be better to not waste the time and money on something that I know I'll be border-line passing on at best?...hmmmmm.

And then, the question of like...well, since I came back from vacation (and the question that I'm guessing we all have to get to at some point): how will I use Japanese in the future? If I'm planning on coming back and working here, or getting into a school here, I really need to study and take this test. However, if I'm just planning on going back to America and doing...something, then would it just be a waste of my time right now?

So the question, actually, goes deeper than the test. This country has a need that is so hidden, but so real...a couple of nights ago I was online trying to find original Japanese worship materials--anything that hasn't been translated from old Lutheran liturgy would have been alright with me!--not to say bad things about the liturgy--it's just very strange to be singing the SAME melody, just translated, as what I was singing back home--awful, I tell you!!!--anyway, I was trying to find original Japanese worship materials, and the few that I did find just made me ache, because it was so little...so little for a people who can be emotionally and symbolically touched on so many levels. This is the culture of the tea ceremony, shodo, flower arranging...ect. etc. etc. They feel emotions in special ways, with special meanings.

Anyway, enough ranting about the need for culturally-meaningful worship...culturally-meaningful Christianity...and the like.

Seeing the need, what is one to do? I don't want to live here for my whole life...but I love these people...does seeing the need mean that I should just plan on staying and trying to fill it? (ps - that would translate into me taking the Japanese proficiency test...just to try and connect my thoughts for you here...)

Sigh. I KNOW that the future is way out there, and that God holds it...so why the stressing now? Every once in awhile, with prayer and fighting thru anxiety, I seem to get to a place of trust. But (and this is like, the duh comment of the century) trust is so easy to lose...

I think about the evening worship planned for after classes tonight...I have a bilingual version of "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus," and we're reading the section of the Bible where Jesus walks on water and asks Peter to do the same. That's a good, simple picture for what this time feels like. Jesus walks into my life and asks me to come out to him on the water...yikes...but I can trust him.

Ok...so obviously no black and white answers for the future in this posting. :) But, I'm going to hop on my bike, and at least go to the bookstore and buy the registration packet for this test. And as for walking on water (i.e. trusting)...it definitely gives a person an adrenaline rush. :)