"Cry out to Jesus"

Since we haven't had any homework/work nagging at us over these last few weeks, it has been awhile since Brian and I have sat down and chatted, so tonight we took the opportunity to sit down for awhile and catch up on life. We have a relationship that was built maybe on desperation and necessity (Brian needed internet, and I needed a friend that I didn't have to talk to :)), so there is a certain level of candidness that we can reach, and processing through some of our earlier discussion during these "wee hours of the morning" has led to a couple aha moments. Of course, they may not truly be so "aha!"-ish, but go easy on a tired brain here... :)

The brilliant realization is (drum roll!) that human beings are flawed right now. This is why I always feel this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when people want to get "too close"...there is absolutely no way that I can hide my flaws from them or hide their flaws from myself. Again and again I have heard things like, "I really appreciate your faith" or "I really appreciate your values" or "Your Christian walk inspires me." But the truth that these guys aren't seeing is that my faith is always going up, down, and all around--rarely is it stable and a "sure thing" that will keep me involved in the religious traditions around me. My values may seem ok, like compassion and honesty and things like that...but in the end, it comes down to valuing myself. Selfishness will trump every time, because that is just the way that my nature operates right now...maybe I am not training it enough? Grrr for this stupid mirror and the fact that the darkness that clouds it comes from not only outside, but inside my very desires and motivations!! Is trusting others even an option? I can't even trust myself and my own heart!!

As I've been reflecting and writing on all of this, the Third Day song entitled "Cry out to Jesus" came up, and since hearing it I've been listening to it again and again...especially the chorus:

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, and love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing, to meet you wherever you are…cry out to Jesus.

And again I am reminded that God's greatest pictures of healing and restoration involved a bloody cross, a woman crying at a grave...and more frequently seen "pictures"--you and I, caught up in torn and wounding relationships that somehow can be healed and blessed by God and bring blessing and joy. I'm still scared...