men...

Maybe it was because of Ryoko-san's comment, "Now you can get married, and come back here to visit." Maybe it was because of people saying things like, "You'll go back to school, get married, and start to forget about Japan..." Maybe it was because I knew I was moving from an almost 100% female program to a home and friendships with a lot of guys... Maybe it was simply because I knew my own personality and my weaknesses...

Either way, I came back from Japan saying firmly, "No men!" And I meant it...still mean it.

But, in spite of my best intentions, today I became aware of the fact that not just one, but three guys have somehow entwined their fingers around my heartstrings...sigh.

No, it's not as bad as you think. The guys are three brothers--two twins in kindergarten, and their brother, who's older by a couple years. Because of my after-school daycare job, I've gotten to know the boys, and we play things like mikan wars (without mikans), Junkan, and other things that I learned in Japan. We also play imaginary Star Wars fights and Shrek 2 games. :) They are always eager to learn and will come running up asking me loudly, "What is this in Japanese? Do you play this game in Japan? Will you teach me my name in Japanese again? Saisho what??" :) Or, if they are playing "the Shrek game" they'll come running up to me, tug my hand and say loudly, "Haidee, I need you!!! Can you read this card for me?" Even while I'm telling them they need to ask politely and be quieter, my heart feels healed simply from their confident trust and their need. If we are playing a game and they are sitting next to me, they sometimes just nestle into my lap, waiting for their turn to be played, and the older boy will just come up next to me and give me a half-hug while he's lining up or inbetween running around.

Somehow, being with them has been a place where I can feel "fully me"...a place that affirms my past and my memories, but also affirms the present. Most days, before I go to work and after I go to work there are always things that trigger memories or bring some sadness, but while I'm at work, playing with the boys and trying to keep them from killing each other, I'm...content and happy.

Today, however, was my last day that I'll see them for a few weeks, until our regular summer daycare program starts up, and when the oldest brother was saying goodbye and said, "See you Monday, Haidee," and I had to explain to him that I wouldn't be there...seeing his face, hearing his, "That's sad. You're fun."...and then watching him shrug a little and get into the car... I stood there with my heart simply aching, remembering my Friday night boys in Japan that I love so dearly, remembering trying to choke back tears as I gave them their last pieces of candy (from me) as they walked out the door. And suddenly I realized that I've "adopted" these three boys into my heart just as I did for those students...as much as I came back into America with walls up around my heart, I've already been blessed with people that I can love.

Painful love though, because now I know what it means to say goodbye. Even the 6 times that I've watched these boys over the last 3 weeks has made me feel like they are part of my family, and today was just a very good reminder that no matter what feelings are present, in the end, they'll go home to their real Mom and Dad, and I'll go...on. Even after a whole summer of feeling like family, I'll go...to another place, another life...wherever God is leading. Ouch.

How to put into words the mixture of thankfulness, pain, and love I feel right now? It's life. Today was full of reminders of where we get our stability and real relationship from...from the One who never-changes, and who's always there...