Through the looking glass

By Faith in Fukushima

2010-05-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

So, this blog has been a venting/learning/celebrating/sharing point throughout this year back in the States and at school. "Through the Looking Glass" has been a good theme for this year--so much of the struggle has involved relationship, separation, longing, loneliness, and new-found relationships and joy. Lessons learned:

- God will provide--not just physically, but emotionally.
- HOPE is a focusing on a future that is sure and certain through Jesus.
- No matter what broken relationships I experience now, and no matter what the sadness, eternity will be restored, complete, full...the closeness of a relationship with God is more than enough. We WILL see God face to face...

I'm sure that there are more things. :) And I may come back to this blog and post on and off as I experience "murky glass" things, but I'm going to move most of my posting to a new blog focused more around ministry and life in Fukushima.

Here is the link: http://byfaithinfukushima.blogspot.com/

Catch you on the flip side...

I don't know how to say goodbye

2010-05-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

After three days of sleeping more and still stumbling through the daylight, I finally decided that this trudging through fog is maybe more mental and emotional than physical...and so last night I found myself walking out towards the swing-set next to school with two sweaters, an ipod, and Amber's blue-and-white checkered "band blanket" that's slightly ragged from similar times of me dragging it out and about.

Sitting on that swing was like opening a floodgate to snapshots of memories, which cycled through my head just as easily as if I were sitting at a computer clicking the "next" button to scroll through a folder of pictures.

Click.
My first birthday away from home. I spent the day doing homework and went out to the playground for an hour or so just to think on that day...processing through what it meant to be away from home, to be moving out, to be growing up...

Click.
Voices, laughter...four friends gathered in the darkness around the brightest light pole on the playground. We had our Bibles opened to Luke and were reading through it, commenting on what we were learning and praying for each other and the world...

Click.
Kevin and I on a Sunday afternoon my freshman year. He had his camera, and we were wandering down Summit, stopping often to take pictures of the flowering trees...I can still see, in the memory, his thoughtful, passionate, processing look as he asks me, "If you had to pick one Bible verse to focus your life, what would it be...?" Oh, Kevin. From you I learned about core values...the Bible, praying...

Click.
Inside the room that Gwen and I shared in Hyatt. Christmas with Matt, Emily, Paul, Gwen my sophomore year...the big stuffed chair that Greg or Matt would sleep in when they did not want to drive home at night, since they lived off campus. Then I heard Gwen's voice in my mind, saw us walking amidst the lilacs one spring, talking about restoration and big-picture vision versus small-picture administration. Oh, Gwen...stories about dentists, losing keys, and most of all grace...grace...

Click.
One dance with Luke the fall of my freshman year. I did not know that such an intense guy would have devoted time to learning how to dance, but I felt free and safe letting him spin me around and lead me...

Click.
Luke standing ahead of me at FISH one night, arms outstretched in praise. The guy has a wingspan that takes up six chairs...or at least it seemed like it. Tall, exuding strength...standing open and vulnerable before a God who he seemed to know and see...

Click.
Katy leading Bible study, singing in stair wells, wandering around talking about boys and life and God's leading. Her face scrunched up as she leans her head on my shoulder, wiggling her nose back and forth and making me laugh and feel loved all at the same time. Her honesty...Aileen...Bob...Josi...Aj...

Click.
Eric. Bringing me a glass of water when I had a fever during our home concert my sophomore year. Sitting next to me after Holden, just staying with me while I cried...basketball with Kevin and I...

I have tied the blanket around my shoulders, and it blows out behind me like a crazy super-hero's cape as I sit and just...remember. And as I sit, I think to myself, "God...I don't know how to say goodbye."

I stare up into the sky and think that instead of Japan, I should be moving to some country where they kill Christians...some place where I don't have to keep leaving, keep remembering, keep experiencing the brokenness of relationships...

And as I sit, and think, a girl stumbles up behind me and sits immediately down on the swing next to mine. Her sway and giggle raises red flags for me, and I start to pray for her and pray for words. After a few minutes of swinging in silence, we start to talk and chat.

And there I sat. Feet in the sand, super-hero cape around my shoulders. Super-hero I am not. But I chatted with the girl and tried to make sure that she was ok. And it hit me again that there is a reason for my every breath. Not just experiencing death, sorrow, brokenness, and goodbyes...but experiencing life, relationships, love, care...offering and receiving grace...

After all, that is what those memories are. Expressions of grace.

I don't know how to say goodbye. It physically halts me in my tracks, mentally blocks everything that I do. I spent two hours today curled up on the floor of my room, unable to leave, to think, to...deal with life and transitions and goodbyes. I don't know how to do this.

One foot in front of the other. Recognizing the memories that I'll hold and the blessings that were and are...that's going to have to be good enough for now.

Homework Thoughts

2010-04-17T01:35:00.000-07:00

So, I'm working, and I can't use my laptop, but I do have the internet...and a google document is not getting my brain juices flowing, so I'm going to try typing random homework-y thoughts here...there's the warning. :)

For a final paper in my intro to lit class, I have to choose two texts and compare and contrast them...not hard, right? The difficulty comes in that there are so many lovely things to choose from...I'm pretty much sold on Aimee Bender's "The Rememberer" and am leaning towards Dylan Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night" for the second text, but I'm having problems fleshing out the ideas or main points for the paper...so here are random thoughts. :)

"The Rememberer" is a woman's story of the last month of her lover's life. Instead of dying from natural causes, her lover, Ben, is dying because "reverse evolution." The short story depicts the unnamed woman's struggle to deal with Ben the lover, the ape, the sea turtle, the salamander. As she watches her lover die in pieces, she clings to memories, lessons, normal habits--anything that might "bring him back" into her life. In a poignant self-realization, after seeing Ben as a salamander in a glass baking pan full of water on her cupboard, she finally says, "This is the limit of my limits: here it is. You don't ever know for sure where it is and then you bump against it and bam, you're there. Because I cannot bear to look down into the water and not be able to find him at all, to search the tiny clear waves with a microscope lens and to locate my lover, the one-celled wonder, bloated and bordered, brainless, benign, heading clear and small like an eye-floater into nothingness."

In the same way, "Do Not Go Gentle..." also reveals the struggles of a person letting go of one he loves--this time, a son saying goodbye to his father. The son asks his father to struggle, to fight..."rage, rage against the dying of the light." He tells of the lives and deaths of wise men, good men, wild men, and grave men, insisting that his father follow their example and fight to live. In Thomas' picture of the young son pleading with his father, I see Bender's unnamed young woman, dripping tears into a glass baking dish that holds the salamander that was her lover. Grieving. Recognizing the loss and the separation.

In some ways, though their grief draws them together, their method of grieving is wholly different. The son still asks for a fight; the woman realizes that her fight to cope has reached its limit, and it is time to for her to say goodbye.

Another point of contrast between the two pictures of grief and loss is the reason for the separation and death of the loved ones. In "Do Not Go Gentle...," the father is dying because of old age, and he shares mortality with all those who have gone before them, no matter what their personality. In "The Rememberer," the de-evolution process starts to occur because of sadness and an unspoken choice to turn away from the thought that stifles feeling and is so much a part of our world's idea of success.

When one reads these two texts side by side, one realizes that they raise just as many questions about life as they raise about death. What makes a human life successful or valuable? Is it the life-long struggle against mortality? If everyone dies, is it really important to differentiate between those who are wise, or good, or wild? Is it the knowledge and thought that betters the human existence? Is it, as Ben suggests, simply a feeling, living by the heart? At what point is life no longer a life? At what point can life no longer sustain relationship? Thomas' "Do Not Go Gentle...," written in 1951, seems to focus on natural death from old age, but "The Rememberer," written in 1998, hints at the controversies and pain in society regarding alziehmers, dementia, depression, and other sickness that would seem to maybe bring loss before the actual physical death.

A reader who reflects upon both of these texts may come to the conclusion that although the themes of death and grief run through both pieces of literature, the texts are different in their portrayal of grief, reason for death, and depiction of life. They are more different than they are similar. However, an over-arching similarity can be found in the profundity of the images used in the texts to depict grief and loss. Bender is quoted as having said that "it's easier to talk about things when there's a metaphor to see them through." In the same way, both Thomas' poem and Bender's short story give readers words to help capture, see, and speak of an experience that truly goes beyond words, bumps us right up into our "limits" of coping, and leaves us with a solitude that is imprisoning. Bender and Thomas' works are an effort to reach out across that expanding, binding solitude and pain and share the experience of living with mortality.

Sigh. At least, that's what these two texts do for me. This is where my theological training comes in--these texts are clear pictures of "seeing through a glass darkly," and the brokenness and separation that we all experience in life practically every day. The brokenness is real...the pain is real...so real that we have to use metaphors and rhyme to capture a glimpse of the depth of our experiences with brokenness...

Whoever said that people are not interested in God? How can they not be interested in God? These pieces practically scream an interest...a longing...a need for God...and a recognition of sin and shame and pain...

Standing on the doorstep...

2010-04-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

Mailed two signed contracts off to Japan today, and suddenly realized that I will need plane tickets soon! Last night I was so excited--today I feel already the steeling of my heart and the alone-ness of journeying that feels so familiar, and so painful. The questions abound: why does God create us for relationship if our relationships will always be broken? Why does He call us to trust each other, when we are all so untrustworthy? Why can I not simply live in a cave and not relate to the world? Can I ever get away from fear and pain in relationships? How can I let His love fill me and get my own fears and desires out of the way?

And finally, simply, selfishly, and childishly...how much will this new journey and uprooting and moving hurt?

Prayers, friends, please...I should have expected this--did expect it, I guess. But I still don't know the answer to the questions...only know to walk and pray that God carries me when my own fear and hurt paralyzes me and I'm unable to move forward...and I know that He does.

There is joy and peace and new lessons and love along the way...I know that. It is truth, not logic or feeling...simply truth.

I hate the murkiness of the glass, the separation, the darkness!!!! When can we see face to face, be fully known?...how much I long for that!!

Moments

2010-03-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

Living with three girls who identify themselves with disney princesses this year up at school has taught me a lot about different disney stories and songs. I find myself singing Aladdin at random intervals throughout the day on a regular basis, and when all of us girls get together we randomly talk about dresses, shoes, princes, and the like. :) The funny thing about Disney movies is that there is always a moment in them--the moment that the prince rescues the princess and all is certainly well...the moment when torn and dirty rags are turned into beautiful evening gowns, and magic is in the air...the moment when somehow, by reaching deep down, the heroine or hero finds the power to succeed. The viewer of the movie can usually tell when a moment is coming because of the music, which builds to a climactic point...

Anyway, enough about disney. :)

I walked into class today and my professor started talking about how God gives us moments and wants us to enjoy them. They are not the disney-style moments accompanied by stringed instruments necessarily...but they are moments of peace, joy, love...blessing. My professor went on to read from Tolkien's Return of the King...the moment when Sam and Frodo are in the darkness of Mordor, and Sam looks up and finds one bright star shimmering above the heavy clouds and oppression. The bright star was a moment--a time of peace, of hope...in the midst of darkness, light and joy.

I was struck by that, because I've been thinking of "normal" moments of blessing all weekend...so here are a few in an attempt to document and give praise for them...snapshots of joy and love:

- Three friends gathered around a bowl of popcorn drizzled with honey and butter...
- Ben's face as he watches the people around him sing...
- Being woken up by the whining of Shep and seeing the sunrise in my pajamas and a blanket...
- Honest conversations that communicate trust and grace better than any disney song... :)
- Seeing countless stars that proclaim God's faithfulness...
- The daily conversation of a family...
- Hanging laundry together and cutting garlic...
- Experiencing failure together...loving, gentle competition...off-key music and laughter...

I wish I was a poet, so I could communicate not only these scenes or snapshots but the smile that stretches all the way across my soul in these moments of life...truly, salvation and grace and love are not things that are separate from the human existence...not just things that come to us through moments of romance, finery, or perfection...but things that are captured in countless moments of living that are scattered through each of our physical steps...and I am so thankful for the blessings of each moment.

Waiting

2010-03-19T11:34:00.001-07:00

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our Strong Deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Because of daylight savings time, when I rolled out of bed at 6:15am on Wednesday morning this week to run it was pitch-black outside. I stumbled down to the exercise room with my ipod, squinting against the fake light in the stairwell, and settled down to run with some Chris Tomlin music. The exericse room is set up so those running or using the machines can mostly face several big windows looking outside, and it is just possible to see the sky above some of the surrounding buildings. I ran for a few minutes before the song "Everlasting God" came on (the song above), and in those few minutes I was struck by the change from darkness to light as the sunrise started to peak above the surrounding buildings.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

And maybe because it is Lent, I thought of the darkness and horrible grimness of death and a cold tomb...I thought of being sealed in despair...and then I thought of the rising light as light pouring into the tomb through the cracks as the stone is rolled away, death is defeated, and life and light become the reality again... The darkness of the tomb...the light and new life--such different pictures! Yet God is present in both, and His character doesn't change in the dark...in fact, the darkness of the tomb is what brought life to us...

Last post I talked about the haziness of the future...maybe the joy I felt in watching the sunrise came from the knowledge that no matter how unclear my future is right now, God brings light, strength, direction, joy...

I feel like this transition period of my life is one of waiting with baited breath and awe to see Him direct the sunrise over this next season...

For Thee the hammer holds...

2010-03-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

"So dream a little dream for me, in hopes that I'll remain,
And cry a little, cry for me, so I can bear the flame,
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is untold,
My dreams are not the issue here, for thee the hammer holds."

About a month ago I was introduced to Bebo Norman's "The Hammer Holds." For those of you who haven't heard the song, check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKS4UQ7xev4&feature=fvst. It is a song that has been echoing through my head ever since I heard it, because it is so clearly a song of calling, of growing, of crying and stretching and pain and beauty...I was especially convicted by the last line in the chorus: "My dreams are not the issue here, for thee the hammer holds." God has given me so many dreams and blessings. My time at Nozomi was totally a time of living miracles and seeing dreams turn into reality, and I've been walking down a path of real-life dreams the last couple of months.

Everything is coming together for the Fukushima English school, working with Nomura-sensei and Cindy again, seeing people that I love dearly...we have an apartment, a class schedule, the beginnings of a website, and probably crazy-scattered ideas about harmony, truth, love, and joy and how all of those themes can combine into a good English curriculum. :) Through all of it though, the sentence that has started to roll through my head again and again is simply "my dreams are not the issue, for thee the hammer holds." What will it look like--this English school partnership? This decision to come back to Japan has not been made easily. I know that it will be different from Nozomi. I realize that again I am entering a world of living as a kindergartner, with limited vocab and the high stress of not knowing anything and feeling like a failure at everything. Relationships with church members, with students...times of music and prayer...new commutes and new materials...it is all something hazy that I know is up ahead and that has been breaking into my American reality ever since last June, really. :)

One would think that something that's been hazy for almost 10 months would be starting to have a clearer picture. :) No, no...only more confusion. There is so much haze that the only thing certain now is the need to pray. Besides the haze of the future, there is also the haze of the present. Eric's name has come up every so often on this blog...this last week we had discussions like, "What would you think about teaching in Fukushima at a conversation school? Some different company? Can we actually be near each other in the future...?" The more we talk about these things, and the more that I spend time with him, I more sure I am about what kinds of dreams I have in that regard...but again, my dreams aren't the issue here, because God holds the hammer.

In some ways, it is so reassuring. There is so much I might want to manipulate--good jobs and incomes and schedules in Fukushima for Cindy and Eric and I. But we don't even know if we'll have students, let alone finances and good schedules. :) It has to be God opening doors and showing us opportunities...

What if He doesn't bring enough students for Cindy and I? What if He doesn't open up a job for Eric? What if time and distance separate me even more from my family and friends and make me unfit for any reality? What if I simply break down, become crazy, and end up in a psych ward?..."My dreams are not the issue here, for thee the hammer holds"...

It's good...and so much in need of prayer and listening...one last song to sum up the plea of this time:

Take oh, take me as I am
Summon out what I shall be
Set your Spirit in my heart
And live in me...

And it begins...

2010-01-14T23:29:00.001-08:00

I was just checking my email before sliding into bed (since it is well into the am here) when it dawned on me, "I haven't checked that one syllabus for my Thursday night class yet."

Since class starts next Wednesday, I didn't think that it was so dire for me to check my syllabi yet, but lo and behold upon opening the syllabus I learned that I have one book, another 200 or so pages in another book, and written answers to several questions all due next Thursday night for our first Thursday night class period. Ugh. Double ugh.

So my (hopefully) last semester as an undergrad student begins. Or will begin. Or apparently began, and I'm already behind. :( Blah...

While talking with Eric and Brian tonight, we discussed several different versions of reality...one topic we discussed was time, and how as humans we chaff against the constraints that time places on us. With sentences like, "Time sure flies," or "There simply isn't enough time in a day!" we express pain over the fact that we are stuck in this temporal, limited existence--people made by God to experience eternity! Which brings me back to that "seeing through a glass darkly" and the looking forward to seeing face to face and the knowing outside of time that will happen in heaven...

In the meantime, I'll just be scurrying around, trying to cram as many words and concepts and relationships and jobs and life into my head as I possibly can...I know, it's a personal choice, and God will bring times of rest...sigh. I'm going to bed; this will all look more doable in the morning. :)

"Cry out to Jesus"

2010-01-07T04:27:00.000-08:00

Since we haven't had any homework/work nagging at us over these last few weeks, it has been awhile since Brian and I have sat down and chatted, so tonight we took the opportunity to sit down for awhile and catch up on life. We have a relationship that was built maybe on desperation and necessity (Brian needed internet, and I needed a friend that I didn't have to talk to :)), so there is a certain level of candidness that we can reach, and processing through some of our earlier discussion during these "wee hours of the morning" has led to a couple aha moments. Of course, they may not truly be so "aha!"-ish, but go easy on a tired brain here... :)

The brilliant realization is (drum roll!) that human beings are flawed right now. This is why I always feel this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when people want to get "too close"...there is absolutely no way that I can hide my flaws from them or hide their flaws from myself. Again and again I have heard things like, "I really appreciate your faith" or "I really appreciate your values" or "Your Christian walk inspires me." But the truth that these guys aren't seeing is that my faith is always going up, down, and all around--rarely is it stable and a "sure thing" that will keep me involved in the religious traditions around me. My values may seem ok, like compassion and honesty and things like that...but in the end, it comes down to valuing myself. Selfishness will trump every time, because that is just the way that my nature operates right now...maybe I am not training it enough? Grrr for this stupid mirror and the fact that the darkness that clouds it comes from not only outside, but inside my very desires and motivations!! Is trusting others even an option? I can't even trust myself and my own heart!!

As I've been reflecting and writing on all of this, the Third Day song entitled "Cry out to Jesus" came up, and since hearing it I've been listening to it again and again...especially the chorus:

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary, and love for the broken heart. There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing, to meet you wherever you are…cry out to Jesus.

And again I am reminded that God's greatest pictures of healing and restoration involved a bloody cross, a woman crying at a grave...and more frequently seen "pictures"--you and I, caught up in torn and wounding relationships that somehow can be healed and blessed by God and bring blessing and joy. I'm still scared...

Cleaning...

2010-01-04T22:46:00.000-08:00

Today a few of us spent most of our day helping clean, sort, and throw-away different things belonging to a woman who died recently. It was crazy...I have moved before and have dealt with the emotions involved in sorting and throwing things out, but I have never before witnessed what happens when one person "moves away" before the his or her other half has moved on... The husband of the woman who died struggled as he showed us things that had belonged to his wife. We heard stories, folded clothes, cleaned dirt...and I watched and prayed and sang under my breath songs about peace and light as I was faced with his pain.

There are looks that communicate, without words, a torture of the soul. Separation of loves, of family...I feel almost as though I stepped into a home with a happy relationship and tore out half of that relationship, leaving bleeding veins and broken bones behind...

What do people do who don't have hope past this life? How can they get past the boxes and clothing bags and garbages? How do they get past the tombstone and well-wishers and empty chairs, beds, and rooms at home? I don't think that it is just because I am naive that I find comfort in my faith at this time...

For some reason, the pain today did not make me run from God or from people. I left the house reflecting on how right it seemed to have had a family inside that house and to have a family still, in some respects, through the memories and pictures and traditions. Lives were intertwined there, and that seemed...somehow right. And God blessed them with that time, with that place, with those memories and moments where joy was so obvious that they had to laugh and smile and document it with a picture or something else.

Interesting day...sigh...over and over again, the prayer from 天国にあるもの went through my head, as well as this plea from Holden Evening Prayer:

"God of daybreak, God of shadows, come and light our hearts anew...Mighty God of all creation, gentle Christ, who lights our way, loving Spirit of salvation lead us on to endless day."

Vulnerability vs. Safety

2009-12-30T21:03:00.000-08:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket --safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." - Clive Staples Lewis.

A few of my friends have been passing this quote back and forth in some of our emails, and it has caught my eye more than once over the last couple of weeks. I was simply thinking of it tonight without even reading it...thinking of how often I put up walls and put my relationships in boxes so I do not have to truly be vulnerable OR truly love people. Tonight for the first time I saw the house of a friend I've known for 7 years...I just met some of his friends...spent time hanging out on his turf, watching him do things that are a normal part of his life rather than keeping him following my plans on my turf. Sigh. I'm such a jerk. Why has it taken me 7 years to do that? When is protection good, and when should a person be vulnerable? Can a person be both safe and vulnerable at the same time? Wouldn't that be an oxymoron?

Along with these thoughts there are the few minutes--not many, of course--that remind me that I could somehow have a "normal" life if...I don't know how. But there are moments when I'm sure it is possible, and then I wonder how all of these strands will come together. Sigh again.

I don't even know what selfishness or vulnerability means right now...again, another reminder of why grace is important. But I do know that God has called us to love. And I can trust God's protection. And even if all of that is confusing and messed up and wrong, I can trust in God's redemption. :)

Advent thoughts

2009-12-20T23:34:00.000-08:00

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

So, in the last two days...or the last day (I'm in the middle of this strange night-day confusion that comes from working overnights several days in a row) I've had two conversations of absolute beauty...conversations of relationship and separation and hope and longing...conversations brimming over with love, with hearts' cries to know and be known...conversations of rescue and restoration...

One conversation was with an agnostic who couldn't quite accept how science and faith always came across as being opposite from each other. When I asked him about faith, he said that more important than defining and putting faith in terms and boxes he would rather grow, question, experience with love and authenticity. Moments when he experiences right relationship are moments that are spiritual to him, but the Christians around him won't buy it and say he is not blessed. "What would slapping on the label of 'Christian' really mean?" he asked...

The other conversation was with Eric, who was talking about singing "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" today and how excited he was for it. Somehow, as he passionately spoke about the exile, mourning, pain, and longing, and the call for God to come and be near, my mind was filled with flashing images and poetry, and the words from my previous conversation echoed in my mind.

Love. The authenticity that is seen when someone is mourning, groaning, crying, in exile away from their beloved. Then suddenly, brilliant flashes of light, songs of joy, a flood of peace, and the warmth of knowing that God is love...and not only loving, not only saving, but is near, is present, and will never leave us alone.

A new goal and end-of-semester thoughts...

2009-12-12T01:15:00.000-08:00

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. - 1 Cor. 13:12

It's the weekend before finals, and almost all of my journals and papers have been turned in to professors. Now the only things left are tests and presentations, but I feel such a lack of motivation that I'm typing this rather than studying the stack of textbooks next to me. :)

The semester has been...painful. There were weeks of hating myself for not being able to love other people the way that I wanted to, or make decisions the way I wanted to, or think or communicate the way that I wanted to... But there were also moments--so many more moments that were a part of every day--of joy. Laughter with Brian and Carissa. Class with Dr. B and our cohort of outreach people that I love dearly. Homework and work up at OHSCO, where there has started to be so many of us hanging out that it feels like we are all family and work with sensei back in Japan, for some reason. There were so many, many classes where I first felt like a failure and then slowly started feeling like a fighter, and then even began to feel like the teacher a little bit...I love to learn (except for science...oy :)).

Thinking about the biggest message of the semester though has brought me to thinking of the verse above from 1 Corinthians. It is by far the verse that has ministered to me the most this semester, and it is one that Dr. Dave uses frequently in choir. There is the tension of the darkness, the murkiness of the glass in the mirror and the longing brought about by the separation of two people who only see reflections rather than the real things for which they are searching. There is the secrecy, the inner hiddenness of everything behind the reflection that is crying to be let out. But even in the tension, the murkiness, the loneliness, the secrecy, there is hope in knowing that one day all of that ambiguity and uncertainty that was so difficult to be read with confidence will actually be gone, and there will be a "knowing"--a reality so deep and full and rich with relationship! The verse affirms the pain and the hope, the tension and the peace, the longing and the fulfillment...

In choir this semester we sang a song called "Crossing the Bar," with the lyrics by Alfred Lord Tennyson, and the opening words are as follows:

Sunset and evening star,And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,
But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.
Twilight and evening bell
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;
For tho' from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have crossed the bar.

I'm pretty sure that I cried through 75% of the times I was trying to sing this song, because it was so much mourning and hope twisting together in aches of pain and brilliant flashes of joy...And that is so much what my life is like right now.

But it's ok. :) Even more than that, I think it's good. Dr. Dave teaches all of us so much with his emphasis on "seeing in a glass mirror and one day seeing face-to-face"...It is those people that have the realness of life with pain and hope and relationship with God that I truly respect and want to emulate.

So I have no idea where my life is going, who I'm going to be with, or what I'm going to be doing. Well, I think it probably involves Japan and grad school. :) But...mostly, I want to be the type of person who "sees a poor reflection as in a mirror," but who also knows that one day I'll be "face-to-face" with God my Father...I want to show people that reality.

Days when I feel not-so-23-years-old...

2009-09-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this is still only the first week of class...it feels like this has been going on forever, in some respects. Today was another day that somehow ends up going from 8am to 10pm with seemingly very few breaks...but again, the schedule is actually not the problem. :)

Today it was finally my Cross-cultural outreach class and syllabus that broke me--I at least managed to wait until almost everyone was out of the room before crying for a good 45 minutes. For a 400 level course there was nothing out of the ordinary expected of us...but I just can't do all of the writing and service learning and all of the things that are only supposed to take me 30 minutes a day and instead take me hours... I'm used to turning in a paper and knowing that it's good, or taking a test and knowing that I passed. I'm not used to simply shrugging and saying, "It was the best I could do...and I don't know if it's good enough."...Sigh.

Even more than the assignments and expectations though was the vocabulary of the course itself. For some reason, we seem to equate missions with "going" and "doing" and "learning" and "serving"...never just sitting and being filled by God. Even the questions based on the Bible tonight were "doing" questions rather than resting questions, and while it could just be the time of life I'm in right now, it seemed that we needed more emphasis on what God does through us rather than what we can do for God. This is, of course, offered in the humble opinion of a 23-year-old who is still a student. :)

What the "doing" questions really make me think about, however, is not necessarily doing missions. It makes me question all of my reasons for wanting or not wanting to be a DCO in the first place, and it makes me want to throw off all of these DCO expectations that I seem to have and focus on something that I love for once...like literature, for example. Why can I never seem to take a literature class?!?! Why does God have me going down this path that does not seem to fit with my focus or passion...

Well, it does fit in my mind. And apparently it does in some others' minds as well...I had a discussion earlier in the week about the difference between "inreach" and "outreach," and the conclusion that was reached was that they are all part of the same thing. How do I go about explaining that to profs and others who just want to "do"?

But, as is always the case, God is really nice to me. After crying in the ladies' bathroom after class, feeling like I was about 6 years old, I wandered outside and ran into a guy I knew from cross-country...he is no longer a student, really, but is sometimes around campus, and is the only guy who offers safe hugs in my mind... After biking past me without me noticing him, he turned his bike around and came to ask me how class had gone, tell me goodnight, and offer me a hug.
Then, after walking around for awhile to ensure that my eyes were not really shockingly red any longer, I headed into the common area for studying and found another guy that I've been studying with who said, "It's like a sense...I thought you were coming..."

Provisions...people...a place here...a sense that even though I'm 23 and just don't have it all together, it really will be ok. :)

So we made it through another day...by the grace of God...which, I suppose, is the way to go. :)

Days of joy, nights of grieving...and all-around healing

2009-08-31T21:28:00.000-07:00

So, I knew that it was going to be a tough day last night at 3am when I looked at my schedule and realized that I literally had 10+ hours of straight class today...but actually, it wasn't the lack of sleep that was the problem at all...

First of all, things have been so lovely that I totally blame God for my lack of sleep...yesterday I felt as though I was bouncing for joy all day. God gave me good time in the morning and afternoon with P. and my brother, then an amazing time of Bible study and prayer for one of my group assignments (I love assignments that are Bible study and prayer...hehe:)), then several hours of studying just the way I like it--sitting across from other studious people, and a random chat with Japan people. :) Just the whole thing, and particularly having the Bible study, made me want to just bounce up and down on my toes and say "yay!!" Which I did. Several times. :) And it's hard for me to sleep while bouncing and saying yay.

I woke up today still bouncing, actually, and made it almost all the way through the day perfectly fine...until I got to choir. This was my first main time of being a part of choir since Japan, and for some reason, it just was really hard for me. Part of it was because I've forgotten correct English pronunciation and singing techniques, so I felt ridiculously stupid and juvenile...but also I just felt awful because...there is a huge chunk of me that I simply can't share with people in this country. And that part is the music that there was in Japan. I can't explain or lead people into worship songs in Japanese here...I can't explain how the band's songs are filled with encouragement...I can't say a phrase and get that an understanding smile from anyone. (ok, except maybe P.)...

So, from that time on, it just started to be a grieving night. After choir, I went to my last class that was supposed to be 4 hours long, and it totally shook my entire views on English teaching in general and a teacher's role in particular... What am I aiming for when I teach English? Am I truly looking to uphold someone else's culture, or am I just spreading American ideas? How does a person teach so as to validate culture, teach English, and point to Christ at the same time? So many of the questions about teaching ESOL here are so different from teaching overseas...there are so many more questions of morals and values and ethics that I haven't thought of before...

After class I studied a little, then headed for chapel, but only made it about halfway through chapel before the "I really miss Eric!" thought was simply too much to bear (I've been thinking that at least 5 times a day!)...added to the rest of my grieving through the evening...so I decided to escape and listen to the worship music on my ipod instead.

There's a line from 10th Avenue North's song entitled "Times" that says "I'm so tired of defending what I've become...what have I become?"...

It seems to put words to half of my struggles of grieving and living...I don't know what I've become. I don't know what's good or right. So everything is done with questions, and with thoughts of the past and the future...checking and rechecking to make sure that what I'm doing is correct, but not knowing what the labels "good" and "bad" mean in this culture or society or in my own heart at the moment.

Thankfully, God doesn't leave us there...He never leaves us where we fall, ne? I love the next words:

"You say, 'My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside; it's inbetween.'"

Forty minutes under the stars listening to truth helps with the healing...and with the moving forward. In what direction, I don't know...but it's good. :)

First "full" day of another new life...

2009-08-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I've been in high "ministry mode" ever since God kicked me into gear last Sunday, and so it's been a week of craziness--not with classes really, but with seeing opportunities for ministry and opportunities to be intentional. Let's just say that even though today was really my first "real" day of regular schedules and classes, I could have possibly set up around 20 hours of work for myself every week in jobs, initiated the beginnings of a campus outreach/prayer group, already have ideas of how to change campus ministry a little, sat at tables and bugged multiple freshman into talking, and have already discovered how to be involved in ministry off-campus...

Oy.

I feel a little like the energizer bunny, knowing that at some point, the crash will come. :)

But it's all good stuff...for example, between my classes and job interviews today I ended up meeting a former missionary and fellow student who just happened to be in town for a two-hour lunch and discussion of cultural stories, the church, etc. I went for a run and tried to connect with some of the athletes or people who live in that section of campus... :) Then did some homework and went to dinner at six, fully intending to be back in my room by 6:45pm to do more homework...yeah. I finally got back around 8:30 after an amazingly wonderful discussion with a guy who likes philosophy and missions (yay!!). Since all of my discussions at the band in Japan and with my other students, I have felt like I need a background in philosophy, and the discussion tonight was more informative than all of the thinking/trying to be philosophical than I have ever done by myself...and I felt...not old. :) Which I feel a lot here. :) Anyway, so I was encouraged.

Then, since I had had that entire discussion in sweaty running clothes, I came back to my room, hopped in the shower, and ran out of my room to the chapel, where there was a gathering tonight...and proceeded to have another long discussion with another guy. Whereas all my earlier discussions during the day were theoretical or had some job-related aspect to them, this discussion was completely relational...and totally shut me down.

I've been really surprised at what has shut me down and what hasn't...tonight the questions were very simple, like "what do you like to do for fun?" I just froze, unable to come up with an answer...finally getting out a half-hearted "I like running...and music." The rest of the discussion was kind of like that...me dodging and fighting myself to remain in the conversation at all, and him trying to be friendly. Finally I just said, "I'm not looking for any interpersonal relationships at this time." How strange is that? I can be completely intentional about who I talk to all day, reach out to strangers, etc. etc....but I can't have any interpersonal relationships???...outside of ministry, that is.

Sigh. Have I always been like this? Is this just Japan? Is this me running away from friendships that are good and trying to supplant them with work, or am I simply living as "nomadically" as God has apparently called me to live...?

ups and downs and a kick in the pants :)

2009-08-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been some of the most intense ups-and-downs since I left Japan...re-living feelings like, "I want to go hide in a cave for the rest of my life!" and then suddenly switching over to "I'm so lonely!"...my heart aching as I've been packing for college, with my mind realizing that I was going to be heading up to CSP and the rest of me not quite grasping the fact that I wasn't packing to head back to Japan. Seeing old friends and dear sisters at K. and J.'s wedding and traveling across country with Cindy somehow seriously switched my life-view to Japan rather than America...it was like suddenly I was caught in this cycle of grasping for everyone, knowing that the grasping was wrong, and pushing everyone away, and knowing that pushing everyone away was wrong...oy!

Anyway, I moved in last night up here at school, and besides random computer issues, things are fine...God-given time, to say the least. I was planning on joining up with P today and heading to a Japanese church, but after an hour of trying to figure out google map routes and metro transit trips and books for classes that I needed to know by noon today...I finally found myself sighing in frustration and saying, "God, why won't these schedules work out?!!?" The answer I got was very unlike the way I normally hear God--but it was such a loud "BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING! I've given you a whole campus with a church service here and people to connect with..." that I was left sighing and saying, "Ok, ok, I got it!" :)

So, because I wasn't going to be wandering around the cities, I got up for some time with my coffee, the blessings book, and a Bible before the 10am service...and it was good. A few days ago, when I finally gave in to the inner turmoil and posted a complaint about the transience of life on facebook, Linds responded with the rhetorical question, "For Christians, what's not eternal?"...and the first blessing that I opened up with today was a blessing for a legacy that goes on after our deaths...I've been mulling over Linds' words in my head, and the blessing also was such a good reminder that I'm not here for the moment, but am part of a bigger story that God is writing. Logically, I know that if Paul would have stayed in Athens, he would have missed seeing God's blessings in other places as he traveled...and even though there is still pain at separation and loss in some respects, I was very reminded of the fact that Japan is but a small piece of a huge "book of Acts"...

Time with God also helped open my eyes to a few other things as well. God needs to use me here. I've just had almost three years of living in intense Christian community...something that these young adults haven't necessarily experienced...there have been battles with spiritual darkness...that maybe those around me now have tried to explain away or simply ignore. Don't get me wrong--there is much in this community that can be feeding for me also...but "getting through the year" and avoiding relationships that will once again be torn and cause pain in the end because of the transient nature of life that God's called me to (apparently) is an approach that neither brings growth or praise...

So, back to the books. Back to The Book...back to prayers like, "God, please orchestrate my day and my relationships and my times of rest and times of work...just orchestrate it all..."

Sigh. I still miss...still...

But it's good.

"All replete with very me"...

2009-07-28T19:43:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite authors has always been Madeline L'Engle...her books delight my post-modern, dreamy, literary soul and challenge my thoughts on science, religion, and the world in general. She contains quotes as wise and old as the one above--I'm "all replete with very me"--and also simple statements of things that I find my heart questioning no matter how matter how old I am and how much I feel that I've grown. Having just returned from a few weeks of travel with the family, during which time we drove through 9 states, I've had the chance to read several of her books lately. :)

It was funny, but the books I read and the thoughts and questions and experiences we all had traveling in some ways mirrored each other. We visited Los Alamos, NM, to see my sister and her family. It is, in my impression, one of the most ghastly, intelligent, guilt-laden cities I have ever visited. The nuclear bomb was invented in the city, and other inventions still go on...to this day, parts of the city are bordered by security stations, and the general feel in the city is one of a hidden population of some of the most brilliant minds America knows. The whole thing reminds me, in some respects, of the Tower of Babel. Amazing intelligence working together creates...any guesses, Ladies and Gentlemen? No, not health. No, not world peace. No, not a superior culture or nation. No, it doesn't eliminate poverty or hunger or abuse or slavery or crime...

It creates death. The ability to, in a second, snuff life out of the person living next to you, or in the next state, or in the next country, or on the other side of the world.

And even though I KNOW that many people say sending the nuclear bomb to Japan was actually good, because it prevented more people from being killed in long, drawn-out fighting, seeing the cold clear truth that the wisdom of the world and brilliant minds teach us how to kill and take and x out others is simply ghastly.

And it leads me back to L'Engle, and the "all replete with very me" that I often feel inside myself... There is so much that is ugly and wrong and sinful inside. To often, clutching onto my idea of self, I fight to survive (and so often that survival is by killing others around me...).

On the flip side, however, there are other L'Engle quotes: "He makes me feel the most real," and "When are you the most you?"

Simple language, simple questions, but for a person who is in the business of finding meaning in life and death, words that echo deep questions hidden inside. What does it mean to feel real? How do you become "real"? And, maybe the most important for me, when I know that I am "all replete with very me," is it ok to try to be real?

Maybe they are all questions that should have been dealt with in the teenage years of life formation and searching...all I know is that since Japan, there are many things that should have touched me, moved me to tears, and they don't. Churches cause me to put up 6 layers of protective armor that enables me to hide emotion. But these books...move me to tears and fill me with such a longing that I know I am missing something, searching for something, grieving something. Maybe that is strange to say. I don't know.

Connecting with random people on the trip? Really good. Reconnecting with family and old relationships? I'm still clueless. Learning about healing and spending time with a church in Texas? Was often forced, but still a good learning experience for me to go through. Hanging out with my family as we traveled? Much fun. But mostly...there was a longing to be known, a longing to be real to someone...even as the evils and ghastliness of humanity was brought to light, there was a need to see and feel...love.

In her books L'Engle often states that to be real, a person must lose himself or herself. I don't know exactly what theology it is, or what she is thinking...but maybe it is that that I am looking for.

July's prayer

2009-07-07T07:50:00.000-07:00

God, let me not reject your gifts,

Hold my heart from your good way,

And when the sacrifice is your will,

Those gifts, before you, help me lay.

In between worlds

2009-07-02T23:20:00.000-07:00

Orange, sizzling across the sky

Fire sinks into cool blue water

Soft pink hues marking the trail

Of the sun as it slips into the sea.

Brilliance of color, breathtaking light

Dazzling radiance fills the view

Yet shift just a moment, turn but a little

A new landscape appears.

Greys shifting to blues, to shadows above,

Tiny pin-pricks of light, a cresent-shaped glow

Calm, and mystery marked by the darkness

A quiet night comes on tip-toe

I stand alone, with a foot in each land,

My face to the grey, brilliant colors to my back

An infinite moment of time and space

Two worlds colliding around me.

Some are of the darkness, some of the light

But neither of these lands are mine to dwell

Yet maybe only the traveler is blessed to see

And walk in the beauty that's inbetween.

Michibiki over Mocha

2009-06-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a week of the normal weirdness of family and church life...one evening I joined my mother at about 10pm to visit a family whose wife/mother had just passed away...the next day was singing at a funeral...and the next day singing at a wedding. Now we're getting ready for a party to which two churches and others in the community have been invited, so I've made five pans of bars in the last 36 hours and we've all done as much yardwork as can be fit in during daylight hours. (Thankfully, none of us are freaking out much yet. It's only Wednesday, and the party's Sunday...)

Oh for the life of a church worker, ne. :)

The week has been a strange mixture of grief and joy, with the wedding and the funeral. Loneliness and a lot of people. New spiritual life and new physical life, as one left to join her Maker in heaven and two others left their individual lives to become one.

Last Saturday, God gave me my first white chocolate mocha since Japan and also my first real "quiet time" that felt halfways "normal"...it was something that felt so good I was flying high for most of the rest of the day...and not just from two shots of espresso. :) Anyway, during the time I found myself devouring Psalms, realizing that while I read Psalms almost everyday in Japan, I haven't really looked at them at all since coming back to America. I read quickly, hungrily, until my eyes caught this verse:

"Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me;
let them bring me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you dwell."
(Psalm 43:3)

I've been searching for the correct words to pray for guidance for the future...and here they are! I love how the Psalmist's end place is God's dwelling...not just heaven, but His presence, His place of worship and praise. This is where I want to go...not necessarily Japan or America, married or unmarried, with family or far away, in a church or outside of a church. I don't like having so many choices that seem like boundaries. :) But God's light and truth directing my steps into His presence and praise...that is what I seek.

How that translates into funerals, weddings, cleaning rocks in the yard, baking bars, and taking care of screaming children...I don't really know. What that means for past and future relationships...I have no idea. But as Moses was told, "This will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain"...as Moses was given a sign for the future, after he had acted in obedience...I'm also trying to hope steadfastly in and pray diligently for a mountain...God's mountain. His presence and dwelling place in my life more and more.

Sigh. These words sound so beautiful and good compared to my life. :) But hopefully it's an encouragement to others as it has been to me...

A Milestone

2009-06-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

A good new/old worship song that I have heard...the first Christian song that has felt like worship since coming back...so celebrating the milestone. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Te0hy2YcLgg

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up, Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let mercy sing
her melody over me
and God, right here all I bring
is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up, Your love is all that draws me in

'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
the Lover I need to save me
'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
so hold me now

- sung by Bebo Norman

Lessons from the kids

2009-06-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

Because of my work with the daycare and my church's VBS program this week, I feel like my life is filled with kids. I've worked the last couple of mornings, so I wake up and bike to church to take care of children, and then VBS is at night, so three hours after I get home I find myself heading back to church again for the evening round of kids.

I'm not bad with kids. Really...even my VBS kids who have only known me a week still always turn to us teachers at the end of the evening and point to me and say, "I want to sit next to you!" The other teachers, mostly moms, chuckle at my popularity, but I sigh with my smile because I have always been the popular one and never been the actual safe, disciplinary teacher who commands respect and obedience.

This summer, however, I think God is rubbing the idea of obedience in my face. One of the reasons I decided to work with kids for the summer is because I knew that I wanted to be a better person than I was in Japan...that sounds silly. Not better, but older. More mature. More able to be responsible for others and to lead. I want to have a clearer definition of what is right and wrong and be able to communicate that without always just going with the flow of what feels right. Call it exercising a different part of my personality...anyway, this is what I've been wanting to learn.

I guess God has honored that desire to learn, because where better to learn about boundaries, respect, and obedience than with kids?! The first lesson I have learned is that boundaries are set before the problem occurs--not after someone gets hit in the eye with a stick or hit in the head with a ball. I don't tell the kids to walk nicely after someone gets a sprained ankle...I tell them beforehand, so they won't sprain their ankles. Or at least, I try. :)

But what caught me today was it really is all about listening. Obedience starts with listening. If the kids don't hear about the boundaries or rules being set, they don't know to follow them, and the injuries still happen.

It all makes me think about deeper things...like God and me, and how little I like obedience, and how little I even try to hear God's voice...Not that I have to sit and listen hard, because I know God has made me differently from that...but we all have our forms of listening and learning and aiming to be obedient.

Sigh. It's still coming out confusedly. Ok, so I'm learning about boundaries, but not about communication so much. :)

On a completely different note, tomorrow a person from my Japanese life is coming to visit my American life. I'd be lying if I wasn't nervous...The lessons make me feel like a different person...much harder...I say, "No! Don't do that!" an awful lot more now than I ever did in Japan...

Random analyzing

2009-06-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

So, the last few weeks have held new opportunities in old situations, old opportunities in new situations, and the meeting of new and old friends, relatives, and others...I don't even know if that makes sense, but I'm not able to go into it all more specifically yet. It has been a busy several weeks!

My grandparents ended up staying with us for a week and left yesterday morning, and I have spent practically all of the time since they've left either lying in a stuffed armchair, on the couch, or on the floor. :( Blah for fevers and stuffed noses and sore throats and the like! However, it feels strangely good to just...rest. Everyone has always said to me, "Oh, it's good that you can come home and rest now." But rest has always seemed elusive to me...until yesterday, when not having the strength to do to much of anything and having a headache that kept me from thinking of much of anything was actually very restful. :)

It seems more and more lately that I find myself drifting off of topics in the present to topics in the future...wondering where God is calling me to be, what He's calling me to be doing... I'll be having a perfectly normal conversation when suddenly I'll start self-analyzing, wondering if I'm saying what I'm saying because I'm motivated by this or that...

Anyway, some of this self-analyzing has happened, like normal for me, through someone else's storyline...

So, since coming home, my brother has introduced me to the tv series "Chuck," and often we'll watch an episode at night before going to bed, or something like that. When we were younger, we used to watch episodes of Kim Possible when we got home from work together at midnight, and now it seems like we've slipped back into the same pattern. Anyway, Chuck is wonderful, because the main character is an average computer-nerd guy working with average working-class people who somehow ends up with a bunch of government secrets downloaded into his brain. Once the government learns about him, he has two government agents--a lady and man, Sarah and Casey--who come to watch over him, keep him safe, and use the information he has to help them foil criminals, people taking over the government, etc. Chuck actually really reminds me of my brother, because he's nice and funny and not one to take so much initiative on his own. However, that care and compassion is what gives him the ability to be a hero and save people's lives when he is called upon to do so.

The parallels that I see for me have more to do with Sarah, the lady agent sent to protect Chuck. Sarah is an agent through and through, and on the tv series she gets to beat up almost everyone (that definitely doesn't parallel my life!), but she also has a high streak of loyalty and mercy in her. She does her job because she's good at it, and it's what she's been trained to do, but her dealings with Chuck make her question if there is more to life than her job and ask herself what she really wants out of life. Because she is Chuck's protector, she can't allow herself to get romantically entangled with him, but through the story she finds staying separate from him more and more difficult...in the final episode (from last season), she opens her mouth finally to tell Chuck that she wants to be with him, but she gets cut off by a man telling her there is a problem with the operation, and without a second thought she runs out the door, leaving Chuck behind. The story doesn't end there, obviously, but I was struck by how through the whole storyline, she has struggled with making a decision between a "normal life" and life with a mission...and in the end, it's not even her decision. She just leaves...

I feel like I'm just speaking in parables here almost. :) There is so much that I want to write more plainly than this, but it all seems to be tumbling around deep inside me...so much so that I can't get out words yet, and only stealing someone else's storyline enables me to have some words. :)

"And being mindful of the time..."

2009-05-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

During my first year of university, I distinctly remember visiting a church where the pastor was speaking about a text from Romans...something about being mindful of the present time...anyway, the pastor was talking about the sense of urgency that we should feel when we reflect upon the time that God has given us to speak to people about His love and draw near to Him. People often talk about faith, love, hope, joy...even obedience, and discipline, but I was struck by the pastor's talk about urgency, and the fact that I so often think of this world as being all there is...forgetting that man's life "is but a breath" and that it's eternity that stretches on forever...

Anyway, this is not meant to be an exposition about a sermon that's several years old. :)

Pamela came to visit me last Friday, and it was wonderful to see her again...wonderful for many different reasons. One of those reasons was simply because it was good to not feel like the only crazy person around... :) Anyway, Pamela and I hung out for awhile with my older adopted grandmother, who was in the beginning not very happy with my decision to go to Japan. I haven't really undertaken any deep faith discussions with her, but have reflected often upon the fact that even though she doesn't get the world view of sending the gospel to the nations (my opinion, obviously...I can't see her heart!), she has a simple sort of faith that I really love. Since coming back to Japan, I have made small comments about Japan, but she has not seemed interested at all in hearing about the country or my time there...and seemed to hold the opinion of, "Well, you've done your dirty work for the Lord...now you're back where you belong."

Until yesterday, when she started asking Pamela a few questions about Japan. Pamela and I shared in the answering of the questions, and somehow we ended up quite naturally on the topic of religion. My adopted grandmother was kind of perplexed a little bit at our discussion of Buddhism and Shintoism and the like, and finally asked me very bluntly, "Do you think that all those Japanese people are going to hell?" I stopped with my mouth open, not wanting to answer her, but finally managed a rather weak, "Well, they don't believe in Jesus."

The next several minutes held one of the most beautiful pictures of "being mindful of the time" that I have ever seen...my grandmother's face changed from perplexity to pain as she said, "But you can't tell many people in such a short time! What about the ones who don't know about Jesus? What do they do?"

It was as if she finally caught the idea that there are people dying without salvation...people who need it. And, being a woman of faith and relationship with God, she responded with urgency and love...

Pamela and I assured her that we weren't the only missionaries in Japan :)...and that God had plenty of Japanese Christians working for Him too...and that God's heart is for the salvation of Japan...

It was so beautiful to see the realization come across her face...a good reminder that God is raising up pray-ers from all generations and peoples...and a reminder to me that yes, even though I am back in America right now, there is an urgency and a pain that comes from opening our eyes to the spiritual chains surrounding so many...an urgency that should not just be pushed away or shelved for missionary work, and is not just for a specific people group...an urgency to pray that God would move mightily, and touch people's eyes and ears and hearts so they can experience His salvation...

men...

2009-05-14T20:57:00.001-07:00

Maybe it was because of Ryoko-san's comment, "Now you can get married, and come back here to visit." Maybe it was because of people saying things like, "You'll go back to school, get married, and start to forget about Japan..." Maybe it was because I knew I was moving from an almost 100% female program to a home and friendships with a lot of guys... Maybe it was simply because I knew my own personality and my weaknesses...

Either way, I came back from Japan saying firmly, "No men!" And I meant it...still mean it.

But, in spite of my best intentions, today I became aware of the fact that not just one, but three guys have somehow entwined their fingers around my heartstrings...sigh.

No, it's not as bad as you think. The guys are three brothers--two twins in kindergarten, and their brother, who's older by a couple years. Because of my after-school daycare job, I've gotten to know the boys, and we play things like mikan wars (without mikans), Junkan, and other things that I learned in Japan. We also play imaginary Star Wars fights and Shrek 2 games. :) They are always eager to learn and will come running up asking me loudly, "What is this in Japanese? Do you play this game in Japan? Will you teach me my name in Japanese again? Saisho what??" :) Or, if they are playing "the Shrek game" they'll come running up to me, tug my hand and say loudly, "Haidee, I need you!!! Can you read this card for me?" Even while I'm telling them they need to ask politely and be quieter, my heart feels healed simply from their confident trust and their need. If we are playing a game and they are sitting next to me, they sometimes just nestle into my lap, waiting for their turn to be played, and the older boy will just come up next to me and give me a half-hug while he's lining up or inbetween running around.

Somehow, being with them has been a place where I can feel "fully me"...a place that affirms my past and my memories, but also affirms the present. Most days, before I go to work and after I go to work there are always things that trigger memories or bring some sadness, but while I'm at work, playing with the boys and trying to keep them from killing each other, I'm...content and happy.

Today, however, was my last day that I'll see them for a few weeks, until our regular summer daycare program starts up, and when the oldest brother was saying goodbye and said, "See you Monday, Haidee," and I had to explain to him that I wouldn't be there...seeing his face, hearing his, "That's sad. You're fun."...and then watching him shrug a little and get into the car... I stood there with my heart simply aching, remembering my Friday night boys in Japan that I love so dearly, remembering trying to choke back tears as I gave them their last pieces of candy (from me) as they walked out the door. And suddenly I realized that I've "adopted" these three boys into my heart just as I did for those students...as much as I came back into America with walls up around my heart, I've already been blessed with people that I can love.

Painful love though, because now I know what it means to say goodbye. Even the 6 times that I've watched these boys over the last 3 weeks has made me feel like they are part of my family, and today was just a very good reminder that no matter what feelings are present, in the end, they'll go home to their real Mom and Dad, and I'll go...on. Even after a whole summer of feeling like family, I'll go...to another place, another life...wherever God is leading. Ouch.

How to put into words the mixture of thankfulness, pain, and love I feel right now? It's life. Today was full of reminders of where we get our stability and real relationship from...from the One who never-changes, and who's always there...

Practicing rest and accepting grace...

2009-05-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

I hear You say,"My love is over. It's underneath. It's inside. It's in between.

The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.

Well, My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside, it's in between.

These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.

I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."
- from "Times", by Tenth Avenue North

Stumblings in a search for rest

2009-05-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

So, today as I was biking back from my new part-time job the thought hit me: I haven't just sat down and written for myself in awhile. I say the thought hit me because honestly, it was as if I had forgotten that such self-processing methods even existed...I have been engaged in a lot of emails, a lot of communication, phone calls, even skypes, etc. But time of just "going to Gusto" or Saizeria or Royal Host, sitting with a drink bar and my computer or a notebook...just hasn't happened since coming back to the states.

People seem to have a pretty common opinion regarding my schedule these days:
"Oh, you must have a lot of free time now that you're back from Japan."

But I usually respond to that comment by saying something like, "I have no idea what it means to be busy anymore. I can't really judge my schedule very well these days."

And probably no one has a clue what I'm talking about. Oh, well. How can I possibly explain to people that I feel busy all the time, but feel completely meaningless while I'm doing things? Even when I'm trying to relax, I feel as though I should be--there's the dreaded "shoulds"--getting things done, whether it's studying Japanese or helping out my family...I hate shoulds. Whoever invented the work ethic anyway? And why is it that while so many people come back from Japan and can't find jobs and such, I feel as though I've come back with just as much if not more communication "jobs" to do, a family to reconnect with, and a part-time job?

Ok, in the midst of this ranting, I have to confess that my family really has been chill with me, and I know that they don't expect things of me...it's more my expectations for myself. And my part-time job is seriously...part-time. Not a big deal. But I still feel the heart racings like I would feel during a really busy time in Japan, and I still find myself repeating this self-talk monologue: "Ok...hyperventilating...now...just...slow...down...Haidee..."

What makes rest so difficult? Is it the pedestals that other people put me on? The pedestal I try to stand on myself? Am I running from the ache that continually threatens to catch up with me from what I've left behind, or am I simply experiencing the "foreigner's" stress that comes from being in a "new" place? Is it because suddenly I am void of dreams, void of purpose...trying to catch some sense of meaning in the daily life that I seem to screw up so often here? Is it trying to balance too many relationships? Why does God give me all these open doors that feel sometimes like they are cages rather than openings?

Darn it. Now I remember why I wiped the thought of typing on here out of my mind before...my eyes are getting suspiciously moist.

Some people think that rest is a learned thing that people grab onto, and they say that if I don't learn how to rest now, my entire life will forever be screwed up (what a joyous outlook)...maybe this is the learning process...

Spitting Success

2009-02-28T07:39:00.000-08:00

So, I have this class of crazy boys--two classes, actually--and they are always doing strange things. This one class in particular I feel is "my baby," because many of these boys were so awful when I started teaching them last year that I would not only remove any small distractions, but I would remove every removeable piece of furniture from the classroom before class started! At one point in time, I would simply pray before each class that no one would kill each other or themselves by trying to climb out of a window, running out of class and heading directly for the big paper cutter, or indirectly choking a fellow classmate with the string for the window blind.

Anyhow, at that point, with my great dog-training background, I started simply playing games and using "treats" with them, slowly teaching them to listen and obey directions enough to do things like play games and have a somewhat normal class period. And lo and behold--they are now my favorite class. Genki, crazy, and somewhat dangerous still (my most common line is still probably, "Kota! Sit down!"), they definitely take energy. But they are all excited to learn and smart, and while the 4th graders next door barely speak above a whisper, my boys are yelling at the top of their lungs "The student...is...at school." Hehe. They're really cute.

Anyway, this year one older boy joined the class, and I've been a little worried about the differences in maturity levels...but for the most part, the younger ones allow him to join in the yelling and learn something (even though he's a "cool" 4th grader!), and he tells them to stop being dork from time to time, which is good for my young ones too. :)

This last week, we were finishing the class by playing a random game--they were in teams, making words off of letters that I had given them, because we've been working hard on phonics stuff. Anyway, they were racing like crazy, trying to come up with words that start with "V," etc., and many time I had to ask them to repeat what word they had said. There was a short lull in the action when my older boy held up a Q and said something like, "Queen!"...which was great! The only problem was that he'd been trying so hard to have good pronunciation that he'd spit all over me in saying the word! He looked at me, having just spit on the teacher, embarassment written all over his face...and the rest of us burst into gales of laughter. He kind of looked around, then decided to join in, and the class then ended with most of us still chuckling over the experience.

I mean, really...how can you not laugh and enjoy teaching when students are trying that hard?! Even if it does involve some spitting... :)

More bouncing...tired bouncing, but bouncing

2009-02-25T08:16:00.000-08:00

So, today has been a wild day in the midst of a crazy week, but I just have to pause for a moment to report on some of God's craziness.

So, I'm trying to write this final report for my internship, and so I've spent the day running back and forth from the church to my house, typing in a quiet place where I can think. Anyway, when I was going to head back for evening worship tonight, I decided to just throw on my pj's, cuz it's always just a small group of us girls and sensei, and we're all pretty chill. Little did I expect two 20 year old guys who were absolute strangers to join us for worship! And not only normal strange guys, but musicians that kept us all in the room until 11pm, singing songs, etc.

So now, I'm embarassed about my guitar playing and wearing pajamas. Oy. And when I'm nervous, I can't speak a word in any language, so by the end of the night, when they left, I just put Cindy's blanket over my head for awhile to express how pitiful I am at communicating, and the like....grrrrrrr. I used to be able to speak. Maybe not. At least I think I was able to speak at some point in my life.

Anyway, the cool thing is that God does cool things. :) So Grace said that after I left the room to get music books, the boys were talking about my pajama pants, saying they wished they would have worn their sweatpants too! And our very bad playing of guitar at least encouraged them to play guitar with no fear...

One of the boys prayed for God's light, and we all smiled at his request... Maybe they'll never come back...but it's cool to see God draw people to places of light. We don't even have to go look...He just keeps drawing people to Himself. He really does have a heart for people, ne? :)

Bounce, bounce

2009-02-16T07:48:00.000-08:00

My brother came to visit from Tokyo today! Ok, so, not my real brother by blood or anything, but my Japanese brother. When we adopted each other as family I really don't quite remember, but every since the official adoption, we've hung out, fought, cried, laughed, worked, and played enough music together to have a very good brotherly-sisterly relationship.

Then, a few months ago, God moved him to Tokyo. Blah! :( However, there were multiple good reasons for that... Anyway, we don't see each other much anymore at all, but we do still keep in touch randomly, and whenever I'm in Tokyo I see him, and today he came up to Niigata for the first time to visit here again and pick up some stuff at home. If I'm his younger sister, then Cindy makes for some kind of older sister, and Nomura-sensei is definitely a father figure. Tonight we all met up at the church, and Grace joined us, and we all did our random family hanging out. Atsush explained his new manga to me in English (he's a manga artist), and then we had over two hours of worship song singing...beautiful times of music in God's presence, with all of us crowded around the piano. Sensei, who had a cold and a fever today, still stayed up and sat singing with all of us--even taking over the drums at the end! Cindy, who was supposed to be writing her site report :), just sat and encouraged us all to bask in the music and God's presence. Grace and I rotated on piano, and Atsush and I rotated on guitar. Oy...I so much want to capture some of these moments and their feelings...but I guess that is why music is music, ne? It's just not the same as a typed-up report.

On another random note, because Sensei was sick, he didn't come to prayer meeting today, but Grace did. It was so incredibly wonderful to see how relaxed she was, and how relaxed the church members were with her! For a moment it felt like the poor church members had suddenly adopted 4 new teenagers--me, Lindsey, Cindy, Grace, and Kim, who was visiting! When we all took over their piano and their bathroom, they looked a little frightened...but praise God for random, door-openings and new opportunities with relationships and prayer!

Ok, enough mental bouncing for joy here. Time for bed. :)

I can't possibly put a title on this...

2009-02-14T23:35:00.000-08:00

So much has happened in the last 36 hours that I can't quite synthesize it all or speak about it intelligibly yet...but I want to get something down in order to remember it later.

This last Saturday being Valentine's Day and all, we've had a busy week preparing for the big Vday party, etc. Every day in class there was poetry and discussions about love. Then last night, more than 30 people crowded into the sanctuary for dancing (kudos to Cindy), food (kudos to Lindsey), and chatting. It was really a good evening, and Sensei finished the evening off with a story, giving an example of God's love that is for us, even when we fail or screw up. In this country where perfection is so important and the loss of face is so big that people would rather jump in front of trains than deal with shame, it's a pretty powerful message to hear that God's love is for us, even in our imperfection.

Then skip ahead to this morning. We all had had not so much sleep--Sensei said he got about 3 hours, but that was all, but the church was bustling and full of people. One girl brought her mom for the first time, another new lady was there again, people were wandering in trying to find places to sit...it was just a Sunday that felt alive.

I was in tears for most of the service, as were many others--including Sensei. It all started with the children's message, when Sensei was explaining simply to the kids that our hearts are sick. Even if we don't do bad things (we think), inside our thoughts and feelings are so evil most of the time. We had studied the text for this Sunday during Thursday night Bible study and Friday night worship/prayer time, so I at least had heard some of the Japanese vocab enough to follow along, and hearing Jesus saying, "It's not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" and having it all tied into the theme of love and forgiveness was so incredibly beautiful. At one point during the sermon Sensei leaned forward and said, "There are people who say that at the point of death, they'll choose to believe God. I have something I'd like to tell those people. Eternal life with God doesn't start at death. It starts now. And I wouldn't give up one second or one minute of being blessed with God's love and forgiveness like my life is right now."

Something in my heart went, "Oh, yeah. That's what Christianity is again." I've been trying to figure out my purpose for being here, trying to figure out why I have to be a church worker, trying to figure out how to be a good person, trying to figure out what my failings have been since I've come here, so I can ask for forgiveness and learn from them...but that's not what's important. For some reason, it's so easy to forget that I came here to fail in myself and to show God's grace and love...that I came here simply to be a witness of the forgiveness that God gives an imperfect existence. Somehow, at the end of my experience here, I want to add it all up like a logical, wordly person, put everything on a scale, and say, "Was this worth it?" But when has the kingdom of God ever been about the final measurement of success? It's not about ending life and saying, "Ok, I've had the title of Christian my whole life and gone to church most Sundays..." It's about being able to stand up and say with tears of joy and love (and probably tiredness too :)) "I wouldn't give up one second or one minute of being blessed with God's love and forgiveness like I am right now."

I think one of the reasons (there really were many reasons for many people) why we were all crying is because we all forget what real love looks like. We keep trying to be worthy of love, or we forget that it's even available for us, or we forget that we're in need of it. We forget the fact that our very hearts are sick, and we keep trying to "Ganbatte" it and go through life uncured.

This morning, though, it was like the deepest part of me understood, finally, that I am forgiven. What happened in Shirone doesn't matter. What happened through all of my bumblings and mix-ups while I've been here doesn't matter...and those things are not held against me anymore. God knows my heart's sick...this side of eternity, it always will be...that's why He's done something about it. He's stated clearly, I've come to call sinners. I love sinners. I forgive you.

We cried through the children's message, the sermon, the prayers, and communion. Sensei just kept blowing his nose and going with the next words that he had, the lady next to me kept dabbing at her eyes, and I could hear the people behind me sniffling for half of the service. The lady who said the prayers got choked up, Ryoko-san dashed out to cry in private, and Cindy and I kept glancing at each other with raised eyebrows, saying without words, "Look what God is doing here!" The Church. I don't like churches in general and trust very few of them, and maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings on everyone else who was in the building this morning :), but coming before God's throne, knowing our sinfulness and receiving love and forgiveness together was one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced.

After the service I went for a run, listening to some of the Third Day Revelation songs (Cindy's sister sent the CD to her, and it's been passed down to me, Lindsey, my guitarist, and more I think...we're all thankful for it! If you haven't gotten it yet, get it. Really.:)). One of the songs is sung from God's (assumed)perspective, and it has a part that goes:

"Call my name, say it loud, I want you to never doubt.
The love I have for you is so alive."

Not something in a book. Not something hanging over my head as a chain to make me follow the Christian rules now. Not something that will be in the future, after I die. Nothing stale, or inconsequential, or traditional, or binding...ALIVE...love. Now, even in our imperfection and sin.

Just in case you've forgotten...

2009-02-11T19:50:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, after Lindsey and I moved into our new house, I was standing at the street light on our corner and noticed a skeleton in front of the building across the street. It caught my eye mainly because of the randomness of a skeleton even being on a sidewalk, sitting as if that was where it belonged. A closer look revealed that the building must have previously been used as some kind of hospital/chiropracter's office/etc., but now the building was sitting empty and unused, and the skeleton was the one lonely hint of what had come before the vacancy.

Several weeks...a month...more than a month passed, and I continued to notice the skeleton in front of the building. Then one day, some remodlers came, and the inside of the building started taking on new colors. However, the skeleton remained. A few more weeks passed, and then one day I stood in front of the light deep in thought when I noticed--the skeleton was gone! A few days later, the remodler's scaffolding and canvas were pulled of the front of the new storefront to reveal a cute little wedding shop, with a new name--Grace.

I can't tell you how many times I've come out my front door, stood at the street light, and thought to myself, "How cool is God?! Every morning He reminds me of His grace. Even when I forget, He uses store fronts and signboards to remind me..."

As missionaries, we talk sometimes about how when God's light is brought into an area, the entire area changes. I don't remember ever specifically praying "against" that skeleton, or praying for God's grace to come into the area, but the "GRACE" that is portrayed on the signboard reminds me every day of the new life that comes when God's grace is given to us. Coincidence? I don't think so. Did it come from me? Not at all. Just a gift from a really good Savior...truly, His power, grace, light, and love change death and atmospheres of gloom and sadness to light, joy, and hope.

Every day I have to chuckle as I stand outside by that street light. It's as if God is saying, "In case you've forgotten what's important, let me give you a reminder...My grace." :)

Dreams, music, and new friends

2009-02-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

“What’s your dream?” The young Japanese Christian girl asked me almost as soon as I sat down in the small prayer room at Nozomi church. We’d spent almost five hours together that day, playing guitar and piano, learning new songs, and practicing with my student who usually comes along to our twice-a-month nursing home visits. I was tired…tired of people, tired from all the new Japanese songs and kanji I’d tried to cram into my brain, and tired mostly from the daily talks and thoughts of the changes taking place at the church and my return to America. I kind of laughed at her question, because it was exactly what I didn’t want to answer at that moment. “I don’t have a dream,” was actually what I said. I didn’t want to tell her that the closest thing I had to a dream was crawling into a cave and hiding for a very long time.

“What’s your dream?” I turned the question back on her. She paused for a moment, then said, “I want to minister with music. I want to show Christians that God is way bigger than any boxes they try to put Him in…I want them to have more than a religion. I want to help them to have a relationship with God.”

My drooping eyelids flew open at her response—it was practically a direct quote of something I’d said to Cindy at lunch the day before. Who was this girl? Why had God brought her to this church right now?

A big part of my job here is leading various times of worship and prayer…and playing guitar at random prayer meetings, at the nursing homes, etc. Because of that, I’ve been searching for Japanese worship songs for many months now, frustrated with my lack of knowledge of the language…often I’ve reminded God that I struggle with simple sentences in Japanese, and asked why He’s given me a role where I have the opportunity to lead people in deep, spiritual situations in this language. I’m always struggling between staying silent, knowing how awful the language I speak really is, and between speaking, being convicted in the fact that spiritual things NEED to be said, no matter how badly they come across. All throughout these months, I’ve wondered why God has even put me in this position…there really wasn’t anyone coming after me to put in the role of “Japanese worship leader”…why would God give this church six months of poorly led music by a foreigner?

And now here was this girl, sitting across the room from me, music spread between us. When I asked her to lead some of the songs for worship that night, she readily agreed, and did it with ease, and with a spirit of joy, peace, humility…

So much for thinking that music was just my thing. :)
And so much for thinking that God's plan only lasted as far as I could see...

Since that time, we've led worship together multiple times...gone and visited a nursing home...written songs...and it's only been one week. Even while I'm in the process of stepping out of things, there are new doors of training and learning that God opens up. It's good to have a very visual reminder that He has this whole long-term plan thing worked out--for the church and for my life. And more music...

Loved and freed...

2009-01-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days when I just felt graciously loved. Some of that loving was seen through forgiveness given, some seen through an acceptance of who I am, and some seen by preaching :)...and it's all so good.

One of the things that makes working in a church difficult for me is because there is such a grey line between "failure" and "success." I remember discussing an upcoming event at the first church I was working at here, and just trembling through the entire meeting because of how...disappointed?...upset?...my boss and his wife was with me. They looked as though all I was for them was more work, and that my failure at being a good event coordinator was a burden for them. Trust me, there's nothing quite so uplifting as recognizing that you're hurting the people you've meant to help (please note the sarcasm!). :( Anyway, back to the present...We were supposed to have an English seminar today (now that it's past midnight, it would be at about 8am this morning!), but after our first pool of registrations came in, people started withdrawing registrations rather than adding them! So we started with a doable number of people registered, but by this afternoon we were down to only 1 person! I haven't lost too much time on the whole thing, because God's graciously stopped me from almost all the prepping that I could have done for it...) Anyway, I was definitely trembling inside going down to Sensei's office today to suggest that we should just cancel the seminar, afraid to see the "you've just wasted everyone's time!" look on his face. However, he simply took the one would-be attendee's number, called her, and in a matter of minutes the whole thing was done. I think he may have been relieved. :)

The thing Sensei and I usually work on together the most is worship. For the evening worship times, he sometimes gives a message...often, he just opens himself up fully to where we (hopefully the Holy Spirit, really! :)) are leading, and is not scared to show a need and hunger for God's presence. I love those times, when we're all gathered around in the "prayer room" worshipping, praying, talking, laughing...and he doesn't limit us to those times, but is always asking me to come with him to sing for someone, or bring my guitar somewhere to lead worship songs. I don't count evening worship, or really worship at all, as part of my job really...more like my hobby...but it is a very vital part of how I serve...and he is the one who allows it, rather than trying to make me fit into the normal mode.

Freedom is just plain a hard concept for me. I never assume you can trust someone--when they say they love you, it's usually just to get something, to take more from you...and people will use the, "It's your job!" excuse for as much as it's possibly worth normally...but here, working with these people, it's different.

Sigh...somedays, we're all ready to kill each other. :) Sensei goes into safe mode; Cindy goes into truth-telling, argumentative mode; Lindsey goes into people-busy mode; and I go into ahh-everyone-around-me-isn't-getting-along mode. :) But often, truly, I'm reminded of just how much I'm blessed by these people dearly, and love them dearly. Just wanted to document it. :)

Leadership vs. Manipulation

2009-01-20T03:35:00.000-08:00

So, this is not meant to be a culture-bashing post...really... :) But picture my eyebrow up and my mouth kind of open in a "Huh?!?" as I write this...

Last Wednesday morning in the "Gifts class," we were discussing the "exhorter" personality type, and I came into class knowing that I needed to pre-define the word "manipulation" just to make sure we were all on the same page. We brainstormed different images of manipulation, and then just on the fly (or helpful inspiration from Above), I also put the word "leadership" up on the board and asked them to compare leadership and manipulation. It led to a facinating discussion, because almost everyone in the classroom stopped, thought, stared at each other, and then said, "Aren't they the same thing?"

Japanese culture is known for its indirectness, and I'm only now starting to get the hang of all the whisperings and clandestine meetings that happen in the background of big decisions that are made here. When my students suggested that manipulation and leadership were the same things, I had to agree--in this culture, the two often look the same.

The reason why I'm typing this right now is because I've just come from a class where we were discussing having loud neighbors, and it reminded me of manipulation. I was teaching English phrases useful for dealing with conflict or complaints, and the loud neighbors was just one example we were using to generate discussion...and what discussion! I finally asked them what they would do in Japan if they had loud neighbors. My students said that if their neighbors were loud once, then they wouldn't complain, and if the neighbors were loud often, the whole neighborhood would get together and talk about what to do about it!

Personally, knowing that the whole neighborhood is talking about my loudness is much much meaner (in my mind) than being approached by one neighbor and told to shut up...in my mind, having everyone talking counts as manipulation and malicious gossip. However, my students would probably be equally frightened and disturbed if their neighbors knocked on their door and said outright, "Be quiet!"

Putting politics, relationships, honor, leadership, etc., into a "manipulation is ok" category in my mind helps things make a lot more sense here...however, as I said before, it's still making me raise an eyebrow.

Glimpses of God

2009-01-19T14:56:00.000-08:00

After my last computer rant, ending with "it's a good thing our God is one of resurrection"...I have to post an update saying that my computer is officially resurrected, anti-virused, and spy-swept now...yay! :)

Yesterday's resurrection was just one more glimpse in a week of random God-glimpses. Probably from looking at our "glimpse list," it wouldn't seem like we see God all that much...but I want to share it anyway. This will at least give great insight into how we think (or at least, Cindy seems to think this way naturally...for the rest of us, it might be a learned thing!)... :)

Ways God Has Taught Us This Week:
- Snow shoveling: After Cindy went out to shovel the church parking lot this week, God melted all the snow in the parking lot...except for the pile she'd made shoveling. A good reminder of what happens when we try to solve problems on our own, rather than let God handle them His way...
- Grasshopper legs: Did you know that apparently grasshopper legs hop around for a good 24 hours after they are disconnected from the grasshopper's body? Gross, right?! Anyway, it's a good illustration of how Christians may hop around for awhile--or look alive on the outside, but truly be disconnected to the Head (Jesus). A good reminder of how little life we have in and of ourselves...
- A computer's death: A system restore ended up being the answer to my computer problems...but even though I've moved time backwards somehow for my computer, I haven't actually fixed any of the little quirks, the slowness, and the random scary stupid things that it does that makes it seem like there are a thousand viruses in it that simply aren't showing up on my anti-virus runs... As I was running virus scans yesterday, I kept thinking about our sinful human nature, and how it is so much a part of us that just "turning back time" doesn't help. So many times we say, "If only I'd made the right decision!" or "If only I'd done it this way rather than that way...!" Let's face it: we don't need just a "system restore"...we need to be made completely new! Praise God that He's made a Way...

There are more lessons...I just don't remember them all! People here ask me if I feel God, and sometimes I think of these kinds of "lessons" and I chuckle...yes, I feel/hear/see God all the time, just maybe not at all like one might interact with a regular person...

Death of many forms...

2009-01-17T20:32:00.000-08:00

I'm typing this while my computer's in safe mode, because yesterday the screen suddenly went blank on me. Hours of pondering, researching, wondering, and random frustrated yelling :) only seemed to make the poor thing worse, and now when I try to start it normally, it gives me the blue screen saying "There's a problem. Window's has been shut down." Which makes me chuckle, because the fact that there is a problem is pretty darn obvious... We say here that our computers are our lifelines, very literally, and now even though Cindy and Lindsey's computers are at hand and useable, every 30 minutes or so the red-flagged message pops into my brain: "My computer's dead! Ahhh!"

One such red-flagged message started me thinking today of when I was in 6th grade, and people would ask me what I wanted to do with my life... I would answer, "Well, see, I'm not really gonna have to worry about it so much, cuz I'm going to go work in Chicago trying to help people in street gangs and get shot by the time I'm 21 years old." Sigh. Part of this way of thinking, I realize, comes from the section under my personality type listed as "needs to figure out a correct way to deal with pain"...even though it's not healthy, I'd much rather jump to the death rather than struggle in the pain. Especially right now, looking at the changes ahead and at everything that will be "dying" over the next few weeks, I'm reflecting on that part of my personality with a little bit of anger towards everything; myself and how I am, life and how it is, etc. How does one figure out a correct way to deal with pain?

If the computer's one of the first things that has to die, so be it. How we'll get through the pain of all the deaths ahead, I don't really know. But bring it on... It's a good thing our God is one of resurrection...

Duty and tears

2009-01-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

I don't remember so many extended crying times before I came to Japan. Even after walking away from my parents and boyfriend in the airport, it only took me a few steps inside security to compose myself and start looking forward--first looking for my boarding gate, then looking for my seat aboard the aircraft, then tracking on the inflight map forward, forward, forward...to Japan.

The one time that I simply broke down and sobbed was the night I was watching the movie "The Bodyguard." I was curled up in my university dorm room with my cousin, my boyfriend, and some others, and we were having a "movie night." The movie, if you haven't seen it, tells the story of a pop singer who has been receiving threatening notes, etc., and a former Secret Service agent is hired to protect her. The whole story is full of themes about duty, fear, trust, and relationship...I actually don't remember so much of the story in general, but the final scene is still engraved on my mind--the secret service agent and the singer are parting ways, with the singer's safety secured and the agent's job done. The singer's plane is pulling away, and she's looking stone-faced ahead, but then suddenly she calls out, "Stop the plane!", runs back to the agent, hurls herself into his arms and there is, for a few moments, the traditional movie's "happy ending"... I watched the ending and simply burst into tears. I knew that my plane was going to Japan, and I knew that I wasn't going to say, "Stop the plane!"...no matter who I was leaving.

Last night I "skimmed" through the movie "Roman Holiday" and found myself having flashbacks to the time of watching "The Bodyguard"... Roman Holiday is a quality classic about a princess who escapes for a day, meets an American man in Rome, and experiences all kinds of "living" that she hadn't yet been able to experience. In the end, she has to leave the man and go back to the palace to undertake her duty...but as she turns and says goodbye to the man, even though she'd only known him for one day, she cries, and kisses him. Later she says that she'll remember her one day in Rome her whole life. When she comes back to the palace and is being chided for forgetting her duty to her country and people, she responds by saying something like, "Please don't say that word again! Why else would I have come back, if it weren't for the fact that I know without a doubt my duty..." (ok, that's just what I remember...not a word-for-word quote at all!)

I didn't cry when I watched the ending of "Roman Holiday," but I feel as though the heroine's tears are somehow inside my heart. My life isn't my own...I have a duty, of sorts, and so I can't choose to come back here and go to grad school, and I can't choose to go hide in a cave, and I can't choose just to go back home and hang out with friends...I believe that God is good, and that He'll lead to pleasant places...but when I say goodbye to here, even if it's only been a little over 2 years of my life spent here, it'll be with tears...

Shadows and outlines

2009-01-12T04:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday one of my friends here came to the house and brought with her some old DVDs of Ef playing guitar and singing with me at Open Mic night here. It was like watching old family movies, to some extent; her and I "oooh"ing and "aahh"ing over old memories together. Open Mic night, for those of you who don't know, is a once-a-month evening of mostly strange live music performances by the young people of Niigata city. The event is held at an older Italian restaurant downtown, and many of the people who come are English teachers or students. Last year, I used to go to Open Mic almost every month, driving the hour from Shirone to church here in Niigata city, and then walking to the restaurant where it was held. Often I would come early and meet some other girls for dinner, or meet a group of friends at the restaurant. It was a good place of social connections with a lot of different people, and a comfortable time to invite young people to come hang out to get to know them better... But watching the old DVDs again, I realized again that the hanging out, loud music, and drinking wasn't really how I liked to hang out. Even though I miss Ef a lot, and I miss the girls that I used to hang out with at Open Mic, I remember plenty of months when I would fake a phone call or something just to step outside the restaurant and get some fresh air, plaster on another smile, and step back inside. There was this random dichotomy of loving the people and also realizing that hanging out there was, in essence, putting me in "full ministry mode," as Cindy says here for things that are purely work. :)

I haven't really gone to Open Mic recently, and my job has taken a distinct turn from hanging out socially building relationships on the outside to being at and inside the church. Sometimes I look at how much time I'm at church and think to myself, "This isn't me at all!" Sometimes I find myself hanging out talking with the older people after the services and think, "Should I really be here...?" The ministry and what I do so different from what it was, and yet, as Lindsey so aptly put it a few days ago, "We're learning here that there are more than two opposites on any given subject/choice..."

I guess what I'm trying to process in words here is this feeling of being a fluid, shadowy person...not having any outline or shape of my own. I've been here for two years, and what's been done? Who am I? Have I ever done things that I'm gifted at? What does it mean to be gifted at something? On the good days, I remember that God gets the glory for everything, and He's the One who's accomplished anything good over the last two-plus years...on the bad days, I think that all that's been accomplished since I've come here is that I've messed up an awful lot, spent a lot of people's time and energy, lost who I ever was, and been ridiculously selfish in all of it. Talk about bouncing between positive and negative thinking! It wears a person out just trying to process life.

On a more upbeat, grace-filled note: Last week in the evening worship times we read Psalm 16, which at one point says, "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places..." I keep thinking about it and try to see how it fits my very fluid personality...it's very reassuring to know that no matter who I am or how I've screwed up, God's the One who's drawn my boundary lines. Does that mean that I don't have to confess my screwups? No. Does that mean that I don't need to learn things like obedience? No. Does that mean that sanctification and discipleship don't need to happen? No. But it does mean that God knew what He was getting into when He made me...even if I don't know where my boundaries or outlines are necessarily, I believe He'll keep revealing them to me as I need them...

New Beginnings

2009-01-04T06:15:00.000-08:00

Everyone jokes about New Year's resolutions...the diet where instead of losing pounds you lose days, the cigarettes you'll stop smoking after just this last one, or the chocolate you're going to stop eating until...wait, can someone really survive without chocolate?! :)

I think people have this idea of fresh starts, where they can start something feeling good about themselves and for just a moment, feel like they're ahead in a life where it's all too easy to feel like the score racks up points against a person. It's good to have the score go back to zero and say for just a moment, "I'm gonna reach 1 point and take the lead!" The lead may only be kept for a second, but we at least give it a try. :)

Tuesday is the start of the new school semester here, and we've been trying--ok, I've been obsessing maybe--about having a good start. I'm not a procrastinator, and so I was working on lesson plans approximately a week ago. Yesterday I invited/forced the girls I work with to sit down together for a beginning of the semester meeting, and today I strongly encouraged them to clean the office/arrange desks/etc....all in an attempt to start the semester off right.

This evening, as we gave up on the rest of our office cleaning, we decided to grab dinner individually and then come together to watch Star Wars as kind of a last hurrah before the real work starts, but a trip to the nearest Tsutaya revealed--alas!--Star Wars was nowhere to be found available... And even though I KNOW that it's actually wiser for us to be apart for awhile and we all needed a break, we settled on another choice and came home to watch it...but instead of being a little action and romance tied together, the movie ended up involving really ugly lessons/messages/religion based on fear and curses, and at the end of the night all of us looked at each other with a mixture of regret saying, "Sorry I suggested that...sorry I made you guys go with that...sorry I didn't stop you..."

One of my first thoughts was, "Man...what a way to start the semester." But as I've been thinking over that for the last hour or so, I've realized something...our "score," as human beings, is never 1 to 0, with me in the lead. Life is full of sin, and we are sinful, and sometimes we need to stare truth in the face: alone, we lose. No amount of right actions that hide awful motives or good motives that are behind pathetic actions can put me in a position of a "good start."

I got a phone call tonight from one of my friends in Tokyo, who'd visited a church this Sunday where the whole sermon wasn't about Jesus...it was about being a better, happier Christian. He was with one of my other friends, and both of them reported how disgusted and sad they felt when they heard the preaching to be better people and smile more often and get closer to God so that He could love them. My friend summed it up by saying, "It was very lonely." That's maybe what happens when we try to kick God out of the picture and make our own "good starts"...it gets lonely, and pretty soon simply hopeless. No wonder why so many religions are based off of fear, violence, and ugly ugly ugly things...it doesn't take a lot of learning or life experience to make us realize that on our own in life, we're screwed. So people grab for whatever they can get to harness the spiritual side of life that they can't understand or compete with...

"But we preach Christ crucified..." A God of love, willing to die for people that He loves rather than subject them to death. A God who has to have perfection, so He makes a way for people to die with His Son and also receive His Son's life...Sorry this theme is so common in my blogs...but I have to say again, thank God for grace, and for forgiveness...

I'm not saying that people should throw off all restraints, be bad stewards of what they've been given, and simply sit saying, "Poor me, unable to get ahead in life!"...not at all. And you don't have to read too far into the Bible until you hear things like, "Put to death the sinful man..." and "offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God..." Sigh. Yet sometimes it's good for people...especially me, who knows how to make myself "look good" religiously and otherwise...to have to sit down and say, "Yeah, I blew it...but it's ok."

So this semester's gonna start in the best way that I can think possible...under the protection of the Creator God, in the forgiveness coming from Jesus, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit...it's a good start, I think.

To be or not to be...

2009-01-02T00:52:00.001-08:00

So, our readings of "the gifts book" has pegged me as a mercy person. For those of you who know what that means, this post will make sense...for those of you that don't get that comment, I'm not so sure how to explain it. A person with a mercy personality is a person who values/is driven to/is fulfilled by receiving the love of God, living in God's presence, and then transferring that relationship and relational healing to others. We see people's needs, maybe, and respond to them in such a way as to move them towards wholeness...I hope. At least that's the idea. Anyway, one of the difficulties of having this type of personality/gifting is that a person is always looking at needs and trying to fill them, and the lie that says, "You're only valuable if you're doing something for God/another person" easily takes root in the mind of a person with this gifting. Because of this, it's important that we spend time just being, rather than doing...

A healthy example of this is that when I'm stressed, I can spend hours at the piano, not really working on anything or intentionally playing anything. Maybe I'm connecting with God, trying to search out His heart and respond to it musically...but it's not a mental process going on in my brain as much as an emotional/spiritual thing in my heart and spirit. And it is healing, directly going against that lie that I need to do things to be loved.

Anyway, I don't always take the time to sit still and just be...Cindy has always laughed at me because when she is stressed, she'll go and sit absolutely still and watch the sunrise/sunset...whereas I'll usually go running. :) It seems like role-reversal; I spring into action, and she just sits and "is." We talk about that seeming switch often, and I've thought about it for awhile now...what does it mean simply to be?

A lot of blogs, personal stories, newsletters, etc., have highlighted Trash Box Jam, the band that I met in Omiya while I was in orientation, and the relationship that I have with them. One reason for that is because it is so far outside of what I expected to fall in love with...another reason is because they are the one relationship that I have in this country that hasn't changed so much over my time here. I was reflecting in another blog the other day that every Christmas, Easter, birthday, etc., has been with different people over the last 2 1/2 years, but New Year's I've always spent with the band in Omiya station. That just seems downright ironic to me; one of the longest relationships I've had in this country involves a street band.

This New Years we met up about 11pm in Omiya station, then at midnight sang the usual "Happy New Year Song"...Then listened to more music until about 4am, when we walked to a big shrine in the area...then walked back with Sing and my's annual argument over whether all religions are the same or not (it always happens because going to the shrine kind of sets down some very clear boundaries between us)...then we headed back to the station, and started playing football in a parking lot as the sun rose up over the buildings. I was playing football with them, and the ball went right through my hands in a missed touchdown attempt when the thought hit me: this is a place where I can be.

I can't explain this so well...but being a pastor's kid and a mercy person, I've grown up learning about and knowing how to meet people's needs. And the funny thing is that in the church, it is expected that the needs-meeting people will meet the needs of those around them. I'm a church-worker...it is my job, in many people's minds, to meet needs. But the people at the band know very little about my life. They don't know that I'm actually a fairly decent singer but know nothing about John Lennon...they don't know that I can read much more Japanese than the bungled words that I can get out of my mouth...they don't know that I'm a pastor's kid or a good student or someone who's started programs or shut down programs...what they know is that I love them, and that I want to see the good in people, and that I want to help out when I can. And that, for them, is enough.

I don't have to do something for them to love me...I just am my own personality, and it works. So, I misread situations, don't understand their language, disregard their religion, am out of their lives more than I'm in them, and bungle touchdown passes :)...but at the end of the day (or beginning of the day, for New Year's), Aya hugs me and says, "It was fun! We'll be waiting for your next visit." Kumi simply hugs me tight and smiles. Sing says, "I'll be thinking about you...I love you." Not in a romantic, scary sort of way, but very different...and the funny thing is that I don't get angry at him...I believe him.

Of course it's not perfect...not really logical. For as much as I try to explain how safe it feels for me there, I think everyone's eyebrows around me just climb higher and higher in the look of, "Oh, my! This young girl is delusional!" People might say, "If they don't really know what you can or can't do, then they don't really know who you are...they're just loving part of you. That's not a real relationship." But I've experienced enough relationships in my life based on what I do that I, for one, am enjoying dearly the time I'm spending in relationship--even half a relationship--with people who don't care what I do and love me for who they know me to be.

I think God gives us many times throughout the day when we can see glimpses of grace. I hope...I believe...that he'll give me another place where I can simply be, when my time here is done. As it is, I love them very much, and am thankful for the grace they show me, even if they don't know that's what it is...

Community

2009-01-01T23:41:00.000-08:00

Last night I got back from almost a full week in Tokyo. We joined the other Vers for the annual Family Christmas retreat at a Bible Chalet/retreat center, joined TBJ for New Year's, and finally headed home so exhausted I wondered if I could make it to my front door from the bus stop... :) After 12 hours of sleep, I'm feeling much genkier.

Going to Tokyo always involves some yelling, for some reason or another, and this time was no different...but it's always good. We are the most random group of people, tied together by work, pain, tears...when I first came to Tokyo, I ended up living with 3 other girls that I hadn't previously known, and going to class with 2 other girls who were strangers. I met, at that time, the other Vers who were scattered across Tokyo who were part of my new family...for about 5 months. Then, life completely changed and I moved out to be with Laura and Efrain as my closest family...some Vers went back to America, and the 3 other girls I'd been living with moved to different places. Basically, in our program, every 6 months somebody changes. Because I'm in Niigata, I've only seen the newest additions to our "family" twice, and I'll only see them twice more before I leave the country...sigh for relational upheaval. Somehow, through all the moving, we end up loving each other and learning from each other way more than we could have possibly guessed in the beginning...

I'm reading a book from my father called, "The Disciple Making Church," and in it there is this quote: "God not only wants to be pursued, he wants to be pursued through our experience of community. Together we need to learn how to become like Jesus, and to discern where Jesus is sending us next."

For me, the girls who came with me are very special. We've been through so much together, even though we're on opposite sides of the island. Over the last two years, there have been plenty of times when they've hit me over the head for something just when I needed the aforementioned punch, and I've done it right back to them. We've protected each other almost ferociously, and a common quote is something like, "The sheep that wanders off alone is the one most likely to be attacked." Our pursuing of God together, in community, has not only shown me much more about my own strengths and weaknesses (trust me--nothing like community to bring out your weaknesses! :)), but also shown me much more about who God is...

The most recent visit to Tokyo, however, had a different lesson to learn. We've watched others leave, we've said goodbye to them...now we need to learn to say goodbye to each other. The temptation is to cling too tightly or to separate too much--I think I spent my first 3 days with everyone simply thinking, "Good, I've been in Niigata a long time now, and I don't really have a place in this Tokyo community anymore. No one here really needs me, and I won't have to enter the community again closely...I can just kind of sneak off rather than have the long tearful goodbye..." Wrong.

In reality, I think, the healthy beginning of goodbyes looked much different. It looked like arguments, tears, people correcting misreadings that others had done and asking forgiveness for incorrect expectations...and in the end, an affirming of who we are as individuals and how God is using us as special people. We've fought for and through community...now there is somehow a fighting for who we have become as individuals through the community and a searching for "where Jesus is sending us next..." And even though there is and will be tears...it's good.

Christmas reflections

2008-12-25T07:48:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas! Cindy and Lindsey and I just spent a nice, sleepy Christmas Day opening presents, watching movies, giving backrubs, and eating hummus and carrots and Indian curry...mmmm. :) :) :) It hasn't felt so much like Christmas actually this year, because we started celebrating in November, but right now, for the first time today really, I'm sitting down to reflect a bit on Christmas thoughts...

Sometime during the years, I've gotten pretty pessimistic about people's love. I remember the first guy who told me that he liked me. I think I simply didn't respond at all...and when a second guy told me the same thing some years later, I responded with something like, "Don't say that!!" Most of the time, when people (especially guys) say complimentary things or really big things like, "I love you," it just brings out a streak of anger in me--anger because they are saying something that is so obviously not true. I don't trust them.

This year, we had so many students and other people come to Christmas worship services for the first time...SO many people that God brought in and who were touched by the Christmas message. It was such a blessing to see the people! I wonder, as I reflect on those people, if they have heard "God loves you" before and they've said inside themselves, "Don't say that! It's not true!" Especially during Christmas Eve worship, as I was reading the English Gospel lesson and trying to convey joy and love to the people, I was seeing on people's faces some of the inner struggle...maybe thinking to themselves, "This is a holy place...and they say that God is here...but He couldn't possibly be here to be close to me! What does this Christmas thing really have to do with me anyway?!"

It's really hard to trust. Since Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we've been taught to be distrustful of strangers, be careful and guard against emotional and physical hurts and pains, etc. etc. Bad things and pain and lies are the norm, maybe...love is not so common.

Today, as I was opening some Christmas presents from my family, I opened a book full of blessings/prayers to bless people with...words from the Bible or words about God to remind people's spirits that they are loved and chosen and known by their Father. I opened the book to the first blessing and began to read it to Cindy and Lindsey out loud, but didn't make it through the page before starting to cry. The basic message of the words on the page: "I love you." Like I said before, maybe usually that line would create a sense of anger inside of me... But this "I love you" was coming from my family, from my God...from a place where I could trust. It feels often like in the everyday world, a person is always fighting lies about who they are or who he or she should be, but for just a moment even, I could stop and hear and really believe a message of love that was not manipulative or fake, but trustworthy:..."I made you. I know you. And I love you."

And it makes me think again about the Christmas word Emmanuel--God with us. About how amazing it is that God came down in human form, to show us that He is a crazy, loving, trustworthy God, who never breaks His promises and who will go to the most ridiculous, painful ends to accomplish salvation for His children. I'm reminded again of the struggle on people's faces during Christmas Eve worship, and I find myself praying that they caught enough of the message to know that the whole, "God loves you" thing isn't just a fake...that it is backed up by the presence of the Baby in the manger...that Christmas is so wonderful because it's God becoming flesh...proving once and for all how far He would go to rescue people.

I can't even type how many amazing stories we have from this past week, and how many non-Christians were led to come to the church services and be a part of the Christmas celebration...I could fill a whole page, definitely! At one point, I was sitting between two non-Christians, trying to keep track of people ahead of me and behind me...during Sunday worship's communion, we had almost an entire church front filled with people simply coming up to be blessed, because they weren't Christians yet and so they couldn't take communion...Sensei yesterday said, "This year has been different because there have been so many people that I don't know in church!" God just keeps bringing people in from all over!

It's amazing to see Him work...but most amazing I think, no matter how many years I've celebrated Christmas, is the simple message, "Unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord..." I'm loved by a God I can trust; a God who became just like me in order to save me. A God who knows, who lives, who sees, and who is, indeed, mighty...

Running to Corners

2008-12-19T20:03:00.000-08:00

There's really no deep point to this post except to laugh at the way God makes us...

We always say that hard or busy times bring out who we really are--our true personalities. This Christmas hasn't really been so busy or hard, but it's funny to see each of us here working out of our own true characters... So, Cindy is running around trying to keep from snapping at people, I'm running around trying not to cry at people's pain, and Lindsey is running around trying to attend as many social events as possible. Oy...

As we've been saying frequently over the past few days, it kinda reminds us all just why we need a Savior. :)

There are deeper questions, like "How far into your corner is actually healthy--how much of your true personality is good to work out of?" and "How can you work healthily in your corner with others in their corners?" and "When you see the unhealthiness in your corner, how can you affirm your own personality and yet work on giving up the things that are not so good--the things where you need to come into the center?"...

Anyway, these questions probably don't make so much sense right now, but we're learning the answers, I think, through living the situations rather than studying any kind of psychology textbook. God is a pretty intense teacher. :)

Christmas stories...

2008-12-17T01:27:00.000-08:00

We're always saying that we love the Nomura's here, but today was just another reminder of the fact that I learn something everyday around this wonderful couple.

Today we went to our third nursing home of the month, and sensei did a little magic trick/sermon/story starting at creation and explaining why Christmas is important. Since this was the third nursing home, I've seen/heard this story over three times, but today it once again struck me with its simplicity.

Sensei starts with a piece of cloth--green cloth, that stands for garden of Eden, and the life of joy that humanity had before the fall into sin. Then he tells the story of Eden, explaining that the word "Eden" means joy. But our joy was broken as sin entered our lives, and satan came whispering things like, "You're so good, you don't need God." or "It's better for you to decide your own right and wrong." A dark string that symbolizes evil loops around and is knotted over the green cloth, the same way that evil comes and ties up our hearts. But Jesus comes to free us from the evil that we allowed to enter our hearts, and sensei then pulls out a red string (symbolizing Jesus), inserts it between the dark string and the green cloth, and with a tug suddenly the green cloth is free from the dark string of evil and connected to the red string of Jesus' cleansing blood. Then sensei goes on to explain that this is why Christmas is such a joyful time. The world needed a Savior, and Jesus came to save us...

I've watched people's faces as sensei tells the story, and sometimes there are smiles of joy, and sometimes faces of pain. Today a young lady who's my age came with us to the nursing home, and my smile matched her own as we grinned at each other over sensei's message. Across the room, the guy who plays guitar with me had his eyebrows furrowed as if thinking...this has also been his third or fourth time to hear the story, and I wonder what he thinks of it.

Christmas is good, but man, this year, it's downright painful. Does it ever get easier, I wonder, to see the people around you and realize that they are still stuck, tied up on this dark string, unable to experience a love that has no ending...??

One of the things that I can't put into this posting is sensei's voice as he tells the story. He's talking to older people, so he uses easier Japanese. He speaks knowing that most of the people listening have no history with Christianity, so he doesn't use Christian lingo, but just uses down to earth words that everyone knows. And the thing that made me want to cry today was his voice--a mixture of gentleness, heartbrokenness, love, and urgency that makes the simpleness of the story come to life. That's what the Holy Spirit does, huh? :)

Sigh. Recently, I've been so confused over the future, and wondering if you just work somewhere because there are needs, or if it is selfish to think of working here in the future, or if I'm just losing it altogether and really can't work anywhere and should think of fast-food restaurant work my whole life... :) Thank God for moments where a person can see other Christians working and being used by the Holy Spirit...thank God for moments of clarity where you can say, "Ah! That's what living in love looks like..."

More to come, ne...

An old notepad...

2008-12-13T06:21:00.000-08:00

"If you leave this place, you'll be a failure, and you'll never be mature unless you learn what I'm trying to teach you..."

I was cleaning the office earlier this evening when I ran into a notepad I'd used before. The words seemed to scream at me from the page. The sloppiness of the letters brought back to my mind immediately just how hard it had been to control my shaking fingers at that time...I had been trying to take notes, look professional, with my face showing not even a flicker of emotion...but I could not calm my hands.

Even now, as I type, my hands shake. Why am I so afraid of words I know are lies? And not even recent lies, but lies from the past...

Same notepad, different page--a poem/song written around that time. Reminders that even though the desert was painful, it had some beautiful moments too:

All of my heart, all of my pain,
All of my fear, all of my shame,
I bring to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.

When I want to rebel, when I want to run,
All the times of selfish things I've done,
I come to Your throne,
And pray for Your grace.

I am so young, so much I don't know,
So often I turn from You, to the lies that I hold,
But You come from Your throne,
And You offer me grace.

The blow I expect turns into a hug,
The pain that I feel is healed by love,
And all I can say as I stand before Your throne is...
I'm in awe of Your grace.

Streams in the desert

2008-12-13T05:29:00.000-08:00

Recently, because it's Advent, we've been talking a lot about the desert. In Thursday night Bible study this week we studied John the Baptist, and for awhile we disussed the desert; what it means for our lives, and what it looks like to us... It's facinating hearing people talk about the desert, because we all have similar, but different, things that stick out to us.

There is the desert of loneliness. It's a place where there's nothing around you, and you are simply alone...longing for water, longing for trees, longing for another person's company.

There is the desert of suffering. A place where you're experiencing sweltering heat and pressure, and the pain you feel causes you to cry out for help and say that you're in the desert.

There is the desert of "lostness"...a place where you have no idea what road you're traveling on, or if you're even on the road...maybe you've wandered around the same sand dune of despair and mistakes a thousand times, and you have no idea how to get away from it...the roads all seem to lead to the same place...

There is the desert of weariness. The place where, although there is no water in you--nothing that even seems like life--still you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep working, keep going.

There is the desert of fear. All you see is sand...what is lurking, what will happen if you don't find water, what will happen if it does suddenly rain?...what happens when you can go no further? Your mind can race with the possibilities of what exists in the wilderness that can hurt or hunt you.

Over and over again, God promises that He is making streams in our deserts...maybe we can't see them...but then again, maybe we're not looking for God's kind of streams. Friday evening, at the end of evening worship and prayer, Sensei said, "For a pastor, Christmas is a really busy season. Usually I go through this season kind of dry...it's so busy...my heart gets dry. But this year is really different. My heart doesn't feel dry this year...I think it's because almost every day, we have time to worship and pray together..."

Life in the wilderness...streams in the desert. Moments where God's Spirit brings us into His presence. Moments when we can cease our trudging, our worrying, our suffering, and be healed, cleansed, and cared for by our Maker. Moments where living water flows, where our loneliness is set aside as we're drawn into our Father's lap, where knowing the road doesn't necessarily matter, because we have a Guide who knows the way.

Receiving such "streams" is such a joyful thing...and it is painful beyond belief to see others struggling through their deserts without the streams. Or rather, when they reach a stream that God gives them, they don't recognize the Giver behind it, so they don't recognize the love in it either. Their streams are simply places to take a quick drink before they are driven on again by their restless wandering... My stream is a place of life and love, and the reassurance that this whole crazy experience is guided by One who I can trust.

Sigh. Thinking about this just gives me a whole mixture of thankfulness and pain. Joy and sadness. Rejoicing in what I have, and weeping for those around me...

Come, Lord Jesus, and come quickly. Drinking from your stream only make me thirstier for you. But before you come, let your grace flow here...

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...

2008-12-08T16:32:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was supposed to be the leader of a small prayer group that meets once a month at a church member's house. Our group rotates leadership, and earlier last week Nomura-sensei came running upstairs to ask, "Hey! Haidee, can you be the leader on Monday?" To which I replied, "Hmmm...sure!" Then he said, "Two of the other pastor's from Tokyo are coming also, so they're gonna be there too..." Cindy gave a joyful yell and I gave a "blah!..." To which Sensei and Cindy both looked at me and said something along the lines of, "No complaints! You're doing it; it's good for you."

Most people here--students, church members, and definitely the Nomura's and Cindy and Lindsey--know that I don't really like speaking or leading in any language. Sometimes--a lot of times--they bail me out of situations by speaking when I give them the tortured look of, "HELP!!" Othertimes I think they plot amongst themselves and say, "How're we gonna make her grow up?!" (that wasn't said in an angry way...we're all always being stretched and grown here...somedays it bothers me, but today it doesn't...and besides, it's mostly God's fault! :))

Anyway, so yesterday we're all in prayer meeting and afterwards Cindy commented, "You were glowing!" Suzuki-sensei, one of the pastors from Tokyo, said, "You've gotten used to Japan, haven't you?!"

I laughed at the very idea of glowing during a time of leadership and speaking in an awful mix of incorrect language, but those comments led me to thinking for the rest of the day...

(Warning: this is a report on thinking, meaning there's a high likelyhood of incoherency.)

This last week, a lot of random things have happened. I've come closer to seeing dreams become reality in the last week and a half than I think I've ever come in my life. Some of that seeing has been discussions over worship styles and music with Nomura-sensei, Ryoko-san, and Cindy...some of that has been simply the constant amount of music that I find myself doing here...some of it happened Friday night after worship, when my student started playing around with some beautiful chord progressions on the guitar, and I attempted some improvisation with Psalm 143 in Japanese...some of the seeing happened Sunday, when Cindy and I went to take the Japanese proficiency test and I was reminded again of how much I really like tests and studying and learning and even teaching, if the students are wanting to learn...

Anyway, I've been turning all of these things over and over in my mind, because I decided long ago that the end of one's term in a foreign country is not a time to make any decisions, and I wanted to go back to America and take it slow and see what God has in store... I still do want to see what God has in store, and follow His lead. But maybe...some of these dreams...aren't just things put into my head to give joys to the glumy days...but they're dreams to be followed, tried, captured.

I can't write so much more about the thinking here...it's still continuing. But yesterday, listening to music from the Disney movie "Camp Rock" (hey, at least it wasn't Hannah Montana! :)), I was struck by these words because they seemed so much like what I'm saying (without quite so much rock music in the background :)):

This is real. This is me.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now...

Gonna let the light shine on me.

Now I've found who I am, there's no way to hold it in.

No more hiding who I wanna be...

This is me.

I was talking to my family yesterday for a little bit, and as per normal, they met my questioning with a lot of grace...my mother, as I told her different ideas that I'm thinking of for the future, just laughed and said something like, "We know you're not going to be normal. We've known that for a long time..." :)

Anyway, who knows what the future will look like...only God. :) But for right now, it feels at least like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be...and we'll see what God brings to light as His light shines and refines and causes general, "glowing" moments. :)

Music

2008-11-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

At one point this last week I looked at up Cindy and said in satisfaction and a little disbelief, "Ok, I have my music for choir, for caroling, for nursing homes, and for evening worship...and I'm an English teacher?!" Sometimes it feels like I spend much more time leading or learning music than I do teaching, which shows that I'm spoiled rotten, in some respects. :) Anyway, here are some pics of the last couple weeks' musical endeavors...

Last weekend we held a random Christmas caroling time...a couple of students and church members had offered to "host" our group of carolers, so we wound a path through the neighborhoods near the church, carrying umbrellas (that was a first for me--caroling with umbrellas!) and stopping every once in awhile to enter a house, sing some songs and be treated with ridiculous amounts of wonderful food. :)

It was a little awkward for our Japanese students to be invited into stranger's homes and accept their hospitality...but it was also quite fun to watch new relationships being formed.

My selfish highlight of the evening was getting some good dog-bonding time...yay! :) It was nice to know that I haven't lost my dog-scratching abilities...

A lot of different music is also sung at nursing homes every month. Looking back, I'm a little confused as to how this whole idea started...at first it was simply like, "Hey, I've done some singing at nursing homes, and I enjoy it...I have a not-so-full day on Wednesdays...any chance there may be a place to do some volunteer singing?" Then there was one place...then two...and now, in December, we have one nursing home scheduled every week! And what originally was simply me going and singing some songs has ended up involving multiple people, a lot of Japanese music to learn, and interesting things in general...

This is from the most recent nursing home visit...Kazama-san, one of my students, writes his own music and plays guitar very well. Usually, the music is just the two of us, with him playing and me singing, but we also try to do a few songs that everyone can sing along with. These are always new songs for me...but Japanese folk songs that are useful to know! For example, a few months ago I learned the song that my garbage truck plays every morning... :)

These people are so darn cute...one lady after we sang tried to get Kazama-san to teach her guitar...another man ran me down for my autograph...mostly, it's a very humbling experiene to see their joy.

Reflections on shame...

2008-11-24T05:40:00.000-08:00

So, I started out the day by reading Psalm 31, and it struck me so much that I even read it to Lindsey as we were eating breakfast on our hot carpet. Afterwards, she was like, "why Psalm 31 today, Haid?" I tried to explain that I love so many of the Psalms' focus on God being the One who frees us from shame. There are so many times when the writer of the psalm is begging God things like, "Save me from disgrace!" "Don't let my enemies gloat over me!" "Keep me from shame!" And the list could go on...

Those kinds of prayers have been often on my lips since I moved to this country. Really, try living where you don't know the language, you're a young female, and there are so many cultural rules that it simply isn't possible to memorize or follow them all...and see how often you end up praying that God keeps you from shame! :) Misspoken words, misread actions, the wrong response at the wrong time to a sentence that you didn't quite catch or understand...the possibilities are endless.

Today was good, but it was one of those personally-frustrating days where it seemed like shameful possibilities just kept getting thrown in my face. Cindy mentioned casually over lunch today that she'd had a good talk with some of the other ladies about the difficulties and worries there are when working with young missionaries. (I KNOW that she didn't actually mean it as an accusation, but I'm definitely the youngest person here...and I don't have to think too far back into my distant memory to find things like...oh, shutting down a program, messing with finances, hurting a lot of people...all on my track record. Bother.) I don't have to think far at all before I notice my shyness that is all-to-often debilitating when I'm supposed to speak or lead, and how often I don't say things when I'm supposed to or say things when I'm not supposed to...sigh. And I don't have to think at all to notice how often I respond in tightness or sadness or fear rather than the comfortable, "this is all going to pass, let's deal with it reasonably and logically" sense that adults seem to carry with them. Besides all of those greatly encouraging thoughts, tonight coming home I decided it was high time to send an email to another friend of mine, clarifying relationships in general...knowing that any ordinary person's response to that would be something like, "What is this young girl trying to say?! She's crazy to even be thinking this way!!"

Sigh. The moral of the story is either 1). don't be young and stupid, 2). live in a cave, or 3). pray like the psalmists did.

Working with kids, sometimes a person finds that even as he/she is finishing a task, the child is behind him/her, making another mess or ruining just what was done before...I feel often like this in working with myself. I'll be going along thinking, "Wow! How cool is this!?" and then turn around to see the spilled milk, broken cookies, messy toys, and say, "Who did this?!"...only to be faced with myself as the culprit.

Here are similarly-minded musings from earlier today:

The more I struggle to be free,
The more the twist entangles me...
Brought to my knees, past thought of lying,
Until I'm crawling, rolling, crying...
Facing the blood that's been on my hands,
Then watching you, guilty I stand
And I wait for the judgement call.

No strong killer nor pure one,
Courageous nor holy I come,
Selfishness and fear the blood on my hands,
Tearer of strings, twister of bands,
Covered with remants of webs woven
Scratched, bruised, relationships cloven,
Of myself, there's no hope at all.

But...

You don't leave me on my knees,
You grasp the deep roots of the weed,
When the spines tear Your flesh, You don't look back,
And grace and love for all I lack
Of courage, truth, or love in me
Comes rushing in, like the sea
I'm no longer void--You're my all.

Rather bad poetry, but I blame it on the fact that I was listening to a lecture in Japanese about fish the same time I was writing it... :)

Today was our "One day Christian seminar" at church, or something like that, and this morning's seminar was entitled "Where does power for living come from?" I enjoyed it, even though I understood only about 5% of it...I think what the speaker was saying is that our power for living comes from God's love...(how's that for a very short summary? :))

I agree with that idea completely... I think of Jesus, experiencing the shame of our sin, God leaving Him, and dying on a cross...and then think of the Holy Spirit, coming to live and fill where I lack...it's really, truly, the only place that power comes from that is good.

Enough random reflections for one night. Praise God for new days...

Sigh...

2008-11-23T07:49:00.001-08:00

Why do I believe in grace?

Because I so often realize that the greatest evil does not come from outside of me, but from within...

Tonight, rather than eat my dinner, I ended up chatting in a mixture of awful English and Japanese with a guy that a friend introduced me to...the guy was a mathmetician, but apparently he was also somewhat of a philosopher, because I understood him and enjoyed our discussion immensely...

We started talking because he was asking me about a song that I'd written for my friend, who's a guitarist, and this math guy wanted to know the meaning of the song. The song is all about relationships...how most of the time, with people, our relationships are simply messed up. They are either too fake, or too forced; too distant, or too close. Jesus is the only One who gives us love and freedom...a torn curtain and enterance to the presence of the Holy of Holies, but also the freedom to chose to remain outside.

Anyway, so we're sitting at the table talking about this, which led to huge discussions on real love, the crusades, the fact that everyone holds to some belief, no matter what it is...good stuff. Then from dinner we went as a group of 6 to karaoke and sang more, just laughing and hanging out and having a good time.

The problem is that even throughout tonight, even while I was saying those things about love and good relationships through Jesus' strength, I still found myself drawing people to myself, rather than to God. Or at least, wanting to draw them to myself. Grrrrr. I'm not so into quoting old theologians, but Paul's quote I definitely do like: "What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death?"

There's a Michelle Branch song that I really like, and the chorus goes something like, "If you want to, I can save you. I can take you away from here. So lonely inside, so busy out there, and all you wanted was somebody who cares..." I sing that song at karaoke often, because I love it...and I love it because I live it, actually. There are so many people in this country who desperately are looking for someone who cares, and I so often try to save them myself. Pretty stupid. Ends up pretty messy. Pretty ridiculous...

Anyway, so even though the evening began with a song about good relationships and Jesus' love and salvation, it ended with me and Lindsey lying on our hot carpet in our living room confessing--sometimes with laughter, and sometimes with honest to goodness sorrow and shame--stories of relationships and how messy they can be...

Confession and forgiveness. Learning how to really live on God's power, and not my own, and let Him get glory, and not me...and rest secured in His love, not grasping for others'...note the previous posting on health...yeah. It is healthy...only because in the end, we say, with Paul, "Thanks be to God!"

Reflections on health

2008-11-19T03:14:00.000-08:00

Healthy things:
- running
- joining prayer group just because I want to
- playing lots of music
- having time to do volunteer work
- reminding people about how much God loves them
- persimmons (that I eat daily)
- writing and daydreaming in two languages
- studying and reading
- being stretched and grown
- learning self-control
- saying no
- loving people
- receiving forgiveness

Sorry, this may seem random...it's just a "reflect on blessings" sort of day. :)

"And I have someone waiting too..."

2008-11-16T06:25:00.000-08:00

So, this weekend has been crazy-blessed in so many ways...

We've been decorating for Christmas all week, it seems, in our classes. Cindy's been making her students grab an ornament and hang it on our small tree in the prayer room, and then we've also been getting pictures of our classes and the tree...the festiveness of the season just brings more energy and life, I think. :) It's been interesting to watch our students too; some of them really dislike this season, and others enjoy Christmas simply because of the lights and everything, but few people get the whole "unto us a Child is born" type of joy... One lady last night asked, "Is it ok to smile at church during Christmas? Isn't it a serious time of year?" We all assured her that she could smile as much as she wanted... :)

Coffee House was yesterday, and we decided to do a pie contest in honor of Thanksgiving, and then decorate for Christmas afterwards! To our surprise and delight, and to the utter chaos of the evening, we had about 30 people come...kids, adults...even my older retired student who was the most lovely adopted grandfather I've ever seen for the kids... Then after Coffee House, a couple of the young adults just hung out singing songs, watching worship dramas, etc. :) It truly felt like Thanksgiving, down to the very end, where five of us were eating the remainders out of the pie plates with only our forks or spoons... :) Even though the event was supposed to end at 6pm, we were there until after 9pm singing, talking, and goofing around that included such things as Cindy demonstrating ballroom dance, me demonstrating rap, and a random group rendition of "Stand By Me."

Then today was an organ concert...SOO many people crammed into our little church! It's really so cool to see the church members reaching out to their community and welcoming people into the church...we had young kids glued to that organ, and students and neighborhood people coming in...

After the organ concert, I went out for a quick run before meeting Lindsey and Cindy to discuss our "after Christmas" goals and plans for the transitions coming up... Sometimes it's so weird here to look around at the ministry that is going on, and see all of these people that I've gotten to know and love...struggle through things with...email at all hours of the day or night :)...celebrate Christmases and Thanksgivings, etc...and realize that these aren't my people to keep. The next stage in my life will be starting sooner than I think, and it feels like mentally and emotionally, the switches will soon have to be starting...I need to pass on these people that I love to others, and even though I see how plentifully "the harvest" is here on so many levels, it maybe is not going to be my harvest to work...heh, is any of this making sense? I summed up how I was feeling today with one word: jealous. All of these people--why do I have to give them up? When I went running today, I was listening to a song that actually talks about a girl and guy having an affair...the title above is a line that really stuck out to me; "And I have someone waiting too..." I do have someone waiting--a whole other country, actually, and other opportunities and plans that God has in store...

"Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise..." These people, and everything that has happened here up to now, is God's...His work, His people, His timing...and indeed, there are so many blessings!

Intentionality...or simply blessings...

2008-11-10T06:39:00.000-08:00

Mondays, because they are listed as days off, are always somewhat of a struggle. Because it's your day off, do you catch up on all of the work that you should be doing? Catch up on emails? Catch up on Japanese study? Use your time to connect with all the people you haven't gotten a chance to connect with? Do you lock yourself in your room? Clean your house?

Besides the simple question of what to do on Mondays, there are much bigger questions we've started discussing...such as, "What things are just good, and what things are actually God's will?" "What is simply busy-ness, and what is necessary?" "What are good relationship builders, and what's healthy alone time?" Anyway, if you want a better description of the mental job struggle (in poetic language even!), you should read Cindy's blog.

So often, we plan events or activities to be intentional, push people in some way towards something, connect groups together, etc. We almost always have a goal or vision for doing things, and that's good...but with Christmas coming on and a lot of extra stuff on the schedule, it seems like we're looking at our planners suddenly thinking, "When did we stop being about people and become an intentionality-driven event business?" Ok, that's definitely harsher sounding than I meant it to be! We need both the intentionality and the other side, and I know that...

Anyway, the whole reason that I'm writing all of this down is because it was a wonderful, non-business day, but in a lot of ways it felt like big ministry stuff got done. I talked to my family in the morning (chatted, rather, since my microphone broke...blah!), got out for a quick run and shower, and then ran to meet another student for a volunteer after-school program where I met many of our English school students, and met and chatted for awhile with one of my student's mothers! It was SO fun to just hang out with the kids, and talk to our students and their friends, and then getting to meet my student's mother was simply the topping on the cake...I'd NEVER met her before, and her son is one of my favorite students! And I learned that she volunteers every week at that school! Did intentional conversations happen, where I can point to things and say, "This was great!"? No. But the feeling overall is that connection was made...and it's kinda the feeling of, "Yay!" I wasn't looking for so many connections at all...but God just kept sending people along...

After the volunteer program, I came home, and Betsy and Mayo ended up stopping by and eating dinner. Then Mayo and I studied Japanese/English together for awhile...again, not intense connections, but just relaxed, normal opportunities to partake in every day life together.

Ok...really, I'm not dissing intentionality at all...but I love random relationship connections, and today was just a good reminder that I can plan programs all I want, to help myself feel busy and useful...but God mostly calls me to love the people around me...

An expert in the field of tortured looks...

2008-11-10T06:17:00.000-08:00

So, maybe a little over a month ago I watched a movie called "Elizabethtown"... Because I can't quite read all the kanji on the back of DVD cases yet, renting movies is sometimes an interesting venture...whereas I expected this one to be simply light and fun, it was actually a movie that brought up tough stuff like death and suicide and family relations...however, even if it wasn't what was expected, I really liked it.

Orlando Bloom, the main male actor in the movie, plays the part of a business man who makes and sells shoes. He is kind of new in the business, and his first big product is a huge failure, costing his company more money than...is allowed, definitely. Anyway, struck by this resounding failure, Orlando (I forgot the character's name!) decides to commit suicide, and is just about ready to follow through on his decision when his cell phone rings...his sister, calling to tell him that his dad has just died, and asking him to go pick up his dad's body from where it was and bring it back to their place for burial. Orlando goes to fulfill his duty to his family, but has every intention of following through on his suicide plan when he finishes his responsibilities. The movie basically picks up there and goes through his process of meeting his dad's side of the family and another girl who listens and helps him heal...all the way through the story, Orlando's character goes through collecting "last looks," thinking that, because of his suicide plan, this will be the last time he meets such and such and so and so.

I've been thinking especially of Orlando's character being "an expert in the field of last looks" the last few days working here...but for us here, it's not necessarily last looks, but tortured looks that we see. I know that I've mentioned it before, but this week was just another reminder; when people start thinking new thoughts, and when the Holy Spirit starts tugging on someone's heart, they really do start looking tortured.

One of my students this last week had a new "tortured" face. We've been playing a lot of worship music together, and the student has always seemed just normally happy and in good spirits...this last week was a little different though...seemed to be fighting back tears in our evening worship time...

A part of me wishes dearly that it wouldn't be so difficult, or such a wrestling thing...but I know, in my heart, that the tortured look is actually a reason for celebration and joy. For the person with the tortured look, it is a time for crossing the line, an embracing of new ideas, a call to trust in a loving Father...and for us, it is so much a call for prayer!!

Praise God for His Holy Spirit working in hearts and minds...and I pray that the tortured look would be changed to one of trust, peace, and joy as our loving Savior is revealed more and more...

Being made whole...

2008-11-06T19:18:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I think that people just assume that missionaries are joyful, bubbly, seeing God work everywhere...either that or we seem to have a reputation for being social outcasts... :) Funny how different those two reputations are...

Being as last week was retreat and all the VYMers were together, it's been a good time lately to reflect on community and mission work and relationships and reputations in general... The week of community is always good, and the love that I feel towards all of these people who used to be strangers but who are now family is really hard to describe to those who've never experienced it...but in with the goodness there is always somewhat of an ache. I've never really gotten to chose my relationships in this country...and there are so many people on the other side of the island that I love dearly but whom, in reality, I'll only see a couple more times before I have to leave the country. The tension of a group of people who love each other, but have to remain separate from each other, is just plain difficult...

Anyway, especially with all of the change that's happened on this side of the island in the last year, it was a little hard to feel like a part of the big group of Vers...there is so much that has been experienced, fought through, feared through, and prayed through here that we never shared with people while we were going through that time...in fact, there is so much that simply is underneath the surface...I don't think about my old city so often, but sometimes when I think about going home for the evening, I think of my old apartment and curling up in front of the heater. Yesterday I called our grocery store here, Shimizu foods, the name of the grocery store that was there, Lion Dor... And yesterday, when my pastor seemed as though maybe he wanted me to do one thing and I instead chose to do something else, I had to mentally remind myself again and again..."Don't worry! He can be angry with you and not hate you...he can disagree with you and still love you...it's ok..."

I hate typing all of these things, really, and I hated feeling as though there was this huge, silent barrier between the group and us when we went to Tokyo...but even as I can say "yada!!!" in response to these thoughts and to painful loving and community, I found a quote from Beth Moore today that seemed to provide just the right hope for what last week felt like in Tokyo and even what yesterday felt like here...

"The richest testimonies come from people God has made whole and who still remember what it was like to be broken."

I like that a lot...throw out some of those regular missionary labels of "people-person," "social outcast," "religious fanatic," etc., and try this: someone God has made whole who still remembers what it was like to be broken...

Attempt at clarity

2008-10-25T17:38:00.001-07:00

Wait! I should clarify the whole "hiding behind a personality test" comment... Mercy people tend to struggle with words and relational changes. :) Note I put the weakness with words first, because I can barely make sense of anything I wrote in the last post. :)

Half-processing times of change...

2008-10-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

I've neglected this blog quite sadly this week, but that has mostly been because of a lack of time, not from a lack of wanting to write...

In reality, this week has just involved crazy relationship changes...Atsush, kinda like my brother, is moving to Tokyo...I had a nightmare that is actually based in reality, and a good dream that's really not based in reality at all...we're meeting the new missionaries and everyone in Tokyo in a few days and will be trying to figure out again what community looks like outside of Niigata...

Even though it may seem like hiding behind a title/personality test, I hate change of relationships. Other things, like moving, or new schedules, or randomness, I can handle...but relationship changes always make me want to curl up on the floor in a ball and cry.

I can't explain how confusing it feels sometimes to relate to someone as a normal friend, or as a coworker...it's funny the things that become confusing when you live here! I remember when I was home this summer too, thinking to myself, "She (another person I was with) is a good friend, and she has connected with me by email and everything while I've been gone...why can I not open up and talk with her now?!" It's like you lose the boundaries that are "normal" in relationships, and I don't really know what's normal and what's not anymore...and I can only manage either "clingy" or "distant"...does that make sense?

So I'll go to Tokyo and stumble around a little bit, trying to figure out the balance between good friends, coworkers, family, and new relationships...hopefully catch some time with the band :), and probably come back to Niigata reminded again of how much I love Tokyo dearly...

As a random note, the garbage truck just came by singing, "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go..." :)

And with that, I need to go to church...this was very random, sorry. :)

Evening bath time...

2008-10-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

"Do you know how people do something bad, and then think, 'I won't do that again!', but in reality they soon commit the same sin again?" (a very loose translation of my pastor's words last night...)

The others of us in the room (Cindy, me, and another girl who isn't yet baptized) were all sitting there nodding. We were curled up on the floor of what has been deemed the "prayer room," where we have worship and prayer times twice a week from 9:15pm-10pm. Before we began offering the two worship times, Sensei (my pastor...sorry, the Japanese "sensei" is just engrained in me!) asked if he could also give a short message during that time. Cindy and I were a little hesitant to approve, because we'd originally wanted to offer the times as simply worship and prayer in God's presence...not more learning, but a little more experiential and peaceful...but in the end said, "Sure! Go ahead!" And I'm so glad that he was inspired/that we said yes...

I'll admit that we're all still learning what those times look like, and sometimes I know it has to be anything but worship done by angel choirs...I'll be stumbling through some new Japanese worship song I found, and others will be trying to follow along as best they can, and the sound we make maybe equals other-worldly, but not so beautiful. :) We don't really have a set structure, so some days there is prayer and some days not, and some days a message and some days not...

But I was reflecting last night, as Sensei spoke about confession, forgiveness, and freedom based on Psalm 51, that we are so incredibly blessed to have these times. And so often lately it seems like God uses the words of Sensei's simple message to hit my heart, and almost everytime he finishes speaking, I want to say something like, "God is so good!" or "Isn't salvation so amazing?!" :) Truly, it is being taught so that we can respond with praise...

Yay for God's blessing on pastors who teach with love and joy...yay for times to be reminded again and again, with different word pictures, about how great our God really is...

Another church member who comes to the evening worship times says that it's like a hot bath...you think, "Blah, I'm tired, I don't want to get a bath tonight!" but then you get into the warmth and realize, "Ahh...this is exactly what I needed!" She says it's the same way with worship...by evening, she is tired and ready to go to bed...but upon entering the time of prayer and worship, she's wrapped in the warmth of God's presence and the community of believers and realizes, "Ahhh...this is exactly what I needed!"

My God is Mighty to Save...

2008-10-15T03:06:00.000-07:00

So, it's currently cold season in Niigata...and I don't mean chilly, I mean coughs and sniffles and the like. :( Since Sunday I've been wandering around with a sore throat and I think I'm finally giving in to the runny nose and cough too...blah!

A person doesn't realize quite how much singing or talking he or she really does until you're suddenly without a voice. :( Teaching is definitely a profession where having a voice is rather important, and I do SOOOO much singing every week...however, singing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes" yesterday at the kindergarten produced a sound somewhere between a bullfrog and a squawking parrot...interesting! (Thankfully, my 3-year-olds didn't mind at all. :))

While I wouldn't recommend adopting a cold, I have been struck by how much more listening I've been doing rather than singing. Usually, if a song is on, I'm singing along, or humming along, or something along those lines...now I'm mouthing the words, but not even really trying to get out a sound and am forced to hear, loud and clear, the words and message behind the melody.

It's always useful to shut up and listen for awhile, isn't it? :)

I've been listening to Hillsong's "Mighty to Save" song over and over since last night, and have been struck by the blatant, confident words:

"Savior, He can move a mountain. My God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."

Over and over, "He is mighty to save..." It makes me stop, give myself a palm-to-forehead smack, and be reminded how often I go through the days thinking, "What can I save?" rather than thinking about the true Savior.

We've been talking about spiritual gifts in my Wednesday morning class (there's a whole story behind how that started, but that's another time), and I've labelled myself and been labelled by others as a "mercy" person. A mercy person, just to give a quick definition, is driven by people's needs. Mercy people go through life driven by seeing pain and sorrow, hunger, etc., and try to figure out how to heal, help, and provide. Ask me about truth, and I don't have so much to say. Ask me about pain and love and God's presence in human life, and I have a lot to say...

Anyway, the main point is that it's easy...so easy!!...for me to run around thinking that I'm the savior...because that is part of my job, my calling--to help "save" people. But I can't actually do the job--and Jesus did the ultimate saving--and sometimes I just need to remember that while saving is my calling it is God's CHARACTER...the essence of who He is. Love, saving grace, strength and power that is unmatched...this is my God.

When I think of that, I just want to sit and curl up and cry...with relief, because it frees me...with shame, because of how often I try to solve things without going to the real Savior...with the sorrow of knowing that right now, I am separated from my Savior and see Him as "in a mirror"...sometimes the longing "to see face to face" is so strong!!!

Ok, and maybe some of the curling up and wanting to cry has to do with the fact that I'm sick and want to go to bed. :) But really, leave it to God to give you good listening even when you can't sing and feel miserable...it is good.

Anyway, I'd recommend hitting up the song on youtube at least...and taking a moment to bask in the fact that God truly is "mighty to save"...

Invitations to Bible study...

2008-10-12T03:08:00.001-07:00

So, I'm going to copy Pamela and just give this all in conversation format, because it really is funny...

I'm with one of my classes, which is composed of three middle-aged ladies and one younger guy who is around my age. We have a good time teasing the younger guy, of course, and he plays the part of class clown with much chivalry and hilarity. Anyway, this was a conversation we had in class this last week during our tea break:

Lady 1: How many classes do you have here?
Me: I don't really know.
Lady 2 (pulling out schedule): Here, let's count...around 25? Wow! That's a lot!
Me: Well, we have around 100 students.
Ladies (in unison): Wow!
Boy (who looks slightly clueless, grabbing the class schedule sheet): Hey, where did you get that schedule of classes?
Lady 1 (looking very motherly): It's right downstairs...
Boy (looking at schedule): Hey, maybe I'll join the Saturday Bible study!

- Short break while the entire class (including me, sad to say) stares at him in surprise. -

Lady 1: You should! It would be good practice!
Lady 2: Can anyone come to Bible study?
Me: Yes, you're very welcome to come.
Lady 1: Is it a very positive experience to come to Bible study, do you think?
Me: Well, I think so. You know, we are here teaching English, but we also want to share what we know about Jesus' love and peace with people. So I think coming to Bible study is very good!
Lady 2 (talking to the boy): Well, you should go!
Lady 3: It will be good practice for you!
Lady 1: Yes, you definitely should go to Bible study!
Lady 2: And then come back and tell us what it's like!

At this point, my poor young guy who didn't expect to get such support from his classmates, blushes and tells me, "Ok then, I'll come to Bible study tomorrow."

And that, folks, is how God uses non-Christians to invite non-Christians to Bible study. Hehe. :)

From becoming a hermit to playing hostess...the things we do by God's grace!

2008-10-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

So, it's not a surprise to many people who know me when I say things like, "I just need a cave to curl up in for awhile!" or "I'm really going to become a hermit...promise!" Lindsey, poor girl, has simply gotten accustomed to me walking in the house and saying something like, "If I don't go into my room and shut the door for a couple of hours, I'm going to bite the head off the next person who speaks to me!"

Many times the wanting-to-bite-heads-off feeling doesn't happen because someone intentionally did something upsetting, but is simply because I'm surrounded by people and conversation quite a bit...and for an introvert, that's difficult in and of itself. A younger guy from Shirone summed it up well in a conversation we had once:

Him: "How was work today?"
Me: "Fine."
Him: "You must be tired. That's hard work."
Me: "Not so tired...it's not so hard. You work two jobs! I'm not half as busy as you!"
Him: "Yeah, but you have to talk to people all day, whether you want to or not."

Anyway, when I lived in Shirone, introversion was not something encouraged, understood, or looked upon in any good light whatsoever...and it's just become natural for me, in some respects, to look at the calendar, see an open day, and plan some kind of event or gathering with people (A year and a half in Shirone taught me that if I didn't plan something, someone else would!).

Anyway, this weekend has been one of those weekends...where there is nothing really special going on, yet I have been constantly biting back frustrated words and retorts when people speak to me and have been dearly in need of some alone time...and in the midst of it all, because there was nothing special planned today after church, Lindsey and I decided to host an Italian dinner party for young women. All week I have been complaining to God a little bit about it, "Why do You let me plan these things!?! I know I don't have to, but these party invitations just come out of my mouth before I can stop them...and I don't want to see people!"

So tonight there were 7 of us gathered around the table, eating, drinking, talking, and playing games...a not-so-normal mix of girls, really. Yet somehow, Lindsey was able to cook amazing food...and somehow, the girls were able to eat, relax and connect with each other. And somehow, during the evening, one who is not a Christian but is studying the Bible, suggested to another girl that maybe she might like studying the Bible. And somehow another girl, who is a Christian, invited a girl to come to Sunday worship, to which the girl replied, "I've been thinking about coming! Maybe I'll see you there!"

I think I know the "how" behind all of those "somehow"'s.

*Happy dance...then, remembering my attitude of the week, a blush of shame*

I know that it's dangerous to just go crazy planning events and things, but sometimes God has ideas for people that I know nothing about...(ok, sometimes?!?! all the time, actually. :)) And often, I'm amazed at how He'll take the thing that I feel the weakest at (hostessing, people, relationships...blah...) and use that for channels to spread His glory and the knowledge of His Son.

How many times has that rung true: "[God's] power is made perfect in weakness"? At least one more time today. :) Praise God for His grace...

Walking in the dark...alone

2008-10-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking for several days about trying to post reflections of the last week, but seem to be quite wordless when it comes down to it...so will attempt to sum up some random thoughts of the last couple of days before I crawl into bed here.

Maybe it's because I was homeschooled...I'm not sure why...but I always try to explain to my students why I am leading them through the exercises that we're doing in class. I try to encourage them to have a hand in what they are learning and how they are learning it, and often will stop the class to process about an activity that we finished... Anyway, because of this, activities that are planned to go only 30 min. sometimes go for an hour, and my classes are just accustomed to working off of activities more than textbooks.

Last week during my Friday night class, we were studying a newspaper story in the textbook, and so I decided that this week I would steal Cindy's idea and have a "Current Events" sharing time at the end of the class...ok, well...it turned out to be the whole class time. The students all tried to remember recent news-stories, and they discussed them in groups using English, and then we chose two stories to discuss as a large group. I was facinated by the news that they chose to share...stories of murder were written up on the board right beside "Russel Crowe Gains 25 Kg," and rice poisoning was right next to stories of American politics. The story that the class chose to talk about first though, was the story of an arson that happened in Oosaka recently. The fire apparently happened in a small room that can be rented out and used to watch movies...or as a cheap place to spend the night for business men or homeless people. The fire was lit by a man who was known for odd behavior, and because 15 people died, it is highly likely that the arsonist will be given the death penalty.

I asked my students their opinions about the motives the arsonist must have had, and one lady said very bluntly, "I think the man was lonely. Many people now are looking for good relationships, but they can't find any...so they do crazy things and do not care about any penalty, etc."

Loneliness. The woman's answer shocked me a little. I can picture killing people out of anger, or out of fear, or out of greed...but out of loneliness? Doesn't that seem a little odd?

In America, I never really pictured loneliness as something so severe...yes, in fairy tales people die of broken hearts, but those are only stories, right? But, as I also shared with my students as we talked about this incident, loneliness in Japan just seems a little different. I will be walking down the street, and catch someone's eye, and suddenly feel a stab of pain. A new student can walk into the church and ask about classes, and he or she can have a smile the entire time, but for some reason I will sometimes feel an ache for them I can't explain...

I've given up trying to analyze it, and now simply try to reach out and connect with more or pray for those who make the "pain signal" go off inside of me... But now I find myself thinking of my student's answer--"loneliness"--and I think what sets it off, so often, is the look of loneliness that I see either in their eyes or just in the way they walk.

This country is so rich and healthy in some respects...and so, incredibly dark and painful in others.

I'm not going to leave you with that dark thought though. :)

Yesterday I was reflecting on 1 John, where it says, "God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all." The Bible goes on to say that if we are in the light, we have fellowship with each other and the blood of Christ purifies us... I was thinking about that idea of walking out our lives surrounded by light--God's very presence and essence. He's not walking beside us, behind us, ahead of us...we are walking inside of Him! How's that for a close relationship?! And then that very Light draws us into relationship with one another as well...

You don't have to be living in the dark. And you don't have to be living life alone. There is light, and there is a relationship with God that is closer than we can fully grasp...and relationships with each other as brothers and sisters...

There's a song that we've been singing here recently, and part of it goes like this:
よの光なるイエス様、愛の光で、わたしをつつみ、暗い心を照らして下さい。
The translation is something like, "Jesus, God of light, wrap me with the light of love, and please shine on my darkened heart." A prayer that fits for us, yes, but one that I also would ask you to pray for so many others too...

When sticky notes just aren't good enough...

2008-09-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

Having three younger brothers, I grew up watching out for the things that my brothers would forget and misplace. Something deep inside me, I guess, wants to be able to say, in response to the questioning look on another face, "Your keys are inside your coat pocket." "Your glasses are in the bedroom." "Your coat is under your boots under the basement stairs, tho I have no idea why it's there..."

Even now, I think, I love to have answers for people's questions. Cindy loves to dream big dreams, and I'm usually the one following behind her with a notebook and a list of bullet points, ready to give an answer and logical plan when she needs one. I have electronic sticky notes all over my computer usually, filled with answers that I may need at some time for some program...

I was reflecting again tonight that God doesn't call me to build programs or big churches, but simply to walk in relationship with Him. Maybe, to put it more bluntly, God doesn't care about the number of my sticky notes or bullet points. He cares about my heart.

Hehe. Lindsey just ran upstairs and asked, "Where is my phone?" And I answered, without looking, "On the table."

So, once again this is going to be a post reflecting about mushy things like love, grace, and the fact that relationship is more important than religion...(can I say something like that here?!)
Sigh. I feel like I could be so much more hard-nosed, a go-getter, someone regarded as wise, if I would only stir myself up enough to research some deep doctrine. Or maybe if I was strong, I could at least be respected for the forcefulness behind my beliefs. But in reality, I often just feel like a wishy-washy person always preaching about love. And the times that I even do reflect on turning into a deep, doctrinally-wise person, I find myself battling with pride like none other...

I just finished reading Oswald Chambers, and I'm going to quote him for you a little: (it was under the title, "the Method of Missions")
"The challenge to the missionary does not come on the line that people are difficult to get saved...but along the line of his own personal relationship to Jesus Christ. 'Believe ye that I am able to do this?' Our Lord puts that question steadily, it faces us in every individual case we meet. The one great challenge is--Do I know my Risen Lord? Do I know the power of His indwelling Spirit? Am I wise enough in God's sight, and foolish enough according to the world, to bank on what Jesus Christ has said, or am I abandoning the great supernatural position, which is the only call for the missionary, viz., boundless confidence in Christ Jesus? If I take up any other method I depart altogether from the methods laid down by Our Lord--'All power is given unto Me..., therefore go ye.'"

I especially like the part asking about knowing God, and knowing His Spirit. The idea of knowing intimately, relationally, God Himself...and that is the method we use for missions and life.

Sigh. I feel like I'm just a little out of wack, and I know that truth and doctrine are good and wonderful, and I'm probably totally one-sided here...

But for now, am being called away from my lists and answers back into the throne room...back into what it means to be known and filled with God.

Looking forward to a home...

2008-09-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was running along the sea, watching huge waves crash into the beach, and it was maybe the first time the thought hit me: I'm going to be leaving here soon. The thought brought me full circle, back to when I was leaving America and I was thinking of Abraham, called by God to pick up and move. In Hebrews it says Abraham could pick up and leave because he knew that he was a foreigner on earth, and was waiting for a home and country of his own--a heavenly one (ok, so maybe that's paraphrasing it very loosely, but that's the thought that sticks out for me when I read those verses).

A home.
Today, since it was a day off (dare I even admit this?!), I borrowed a dvd from Lindsey's collection and watched the second half of the long version of Pride and Prejudice. She had laughingly referred it to me before, after watching Pirates of the Caribbean with me and being on the receiving end of my detailed discussions regarding character development. :) It definitely lived up to her promise--I revelled in watching the girls of this family develop and grow up and get married, and now I'm curled up in my room with my computer reflecting on life and growth and what it means to have a home.

A month ago, when I had just really moved here, I was reflecting upon not getting close to this place--possibly, if I didn't make it feel like home, then it won't hurt to leave it in the spring...at least, that's what I thought. But yesterday running and reflecting on the waves suddenly sprung a thought into my head; I am, truly, at home here. I run up and down the steps of my house with a wild disregard for their steepness, wander through the house at night in the dark without tripping over half so many things... :) and know the shortest ways to good places to get chocolate and eat Indian curry... :)

When did that happen? I wonder. When did I start to feel at home here? I'm not sure...and I say it with a sigh, because I know that the call to move again will be coming very soon, really. Where will the call tell me to go next? I'm not sure. Probably somewhere as wonderfully-specific as "To the place I will show you." :)

To follow. That's what's important...though what that even looks like, often, I don't know. Here in this country there are so many loose ends--discipleship, music, liturgical dance (if you really want a crazy option!). Yet so many of those things I don't really want to do nor can I do them, because I'm not Japanese. So what is my role...?

Not saving the world. Not bringing contextualized music to a culture. Not starting new ministries to reach the youth culture. Just walking to "the place God will show me." Or is that too simple of an answer?

Half-cooked bars, 40+ people, and a house church?! aka An Incoherent Posting about Exciting Things God is Doing

2008-09-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

So, today was the church's typical "Coffee House" day...the third Sunday of the month. Coffee House is the monthly English event that is held and run by us teachers and usually involves attempts at connecting students and church members, etc. However, this month we decided to do things a little differently, and we decided to hold an open house in our new home in Niigata city.

Notes/advice for those wanting to hold open houses:
1. Don't do all of your baking at night.
2. When you do all of your baking, check the oven to make sure both the top and bottom is going to be heated.

So, I really can cook...promise!...but Friday night as I was making bars and breads and the like, I was struck by the fact that almost all of my food was coming out a little raw on the bottom, while the top seemed quite done. I'm not going to go into detail about the different attempts that were made to make the food edible...let's just say it involved different ingredients, a microwave, etc. It distinctly reminded me of living in Kawasaki, when we didn't have an oven and tried to make a batch of cookies with our microwave and fish frier. :) (note: the fish frier works really well...honestly!)

Anyway, so by last night, the night before the open house, when we realized that the church members were mostly going to be busy preparing for an event for the next week (and they were going to be using the room we wanted to use for icebreaker activities), I was just a little bit nervous. It was definitely one of those nights where I was thinking, "Why do I work for the church? Why couldn't I get some nice 9-5 job where I could just minister to people without leading events and having to act like such an extrovert..."

Anyway, so that was me complaining. Which my coworkers took very graciously, I might add (as always...thank God!).

Thank God that He doesn't just let me be complainitory for too long also, because He definitely had crazy plans for today. Somewhere around 40+ people crammed into our house, and the originally-planned 2 hours of icebreaker activities, food, and talking turned into 6-7 hours of talking, laughing, games, music, the beginning of a liturgical dance group, an impromptu evening worship service and prayer time, the singing of a newly-written song, connections of multiple people to multiple other people who can possibly bring them into the church, and, to top it all off, the discovery that two of our junior high girls who have randomly been coming to Coffee House and hearing the devotions, etc., have been praying to find out whether God was real or not, God somehow answered their prayer, and then they prayed that they could be forgiven and believe in Jesus!!!!!

- insert dancing for joy here -

I'll back up and take this a little more slowly. So the normal Coffee House time is from 1-3pm, which is not a big deal, and we sometimes do evening worship afterwards made up of Taize songs and the like. About 2:45pm at the house, some students were getting ready to leave, and they requested that before they leave Atsushi and I play through some of our random music repetoire. So we sang through half a dozen worship songs, etc. Then I had to leave to connect some student's mother with her daughter, who had left just a few minutes prior to her mother coming...anyway, I was a little worried, so I walked back to the church with my student's mother, which provided good talking time. By the time I made it back to the house, more people had cleared out a little bit, and I was greated with the news that the two junoir high girls believe in Jesus! After saying "Yay!" for a few minutes, I was grabbed by another student who is a song writer who'd given me a song that he wanted me to write lyrics for...which started another 45 minutes of singing random Japanese pop songs, worship songs, etc. After which a church member brought over her newborn baby to pass around to meet people, and then Sensei called saying that a new girl who's bilingual and a dancer was going to come over to the house. So then we all started talking about liturgical dance and I pulled out my computer to show Atsushi examples, and since he's studied dancing, he started dancing along with my youtube songs. :) Bets joined him, and by the time the dancer actually arrived, we had a whole house full of people wanting to meet her and wondering what this strange new form of worship really is about...

Sidenote: the reason that I keep coming back to liturgical dance is because I've seen the role that dance plays in this culture, and it's much more important than it is in America...anyway, so I was struck with the possibilities that liturgical dance would have in terms of connecting with the younger generation here...so, as of last week, was praying for something like that to happen (kind of praying in this "and if you really want to do something crazy God, there's always this option)...low and behold, a dancer SHOWS UP AT OUR DOOR a few days later! How's that for crazy!!!!!

Anyway, so with the dancer at the house (did I mention that she's a Christian?), we decided to do an evening music worship service as a send-off for Atsushi moving to Oosaka for awhile. And then we prayed for him...

As people slowly trickled out, I talked with a church member who literally was glowing as she described her chat with one of my students. The two ladies seemed to hit it off well, and now the church member is already thinking of how she could involve them in different worship times or activities...

Anyway...I'll stop and catch a breath here for a moment! :) Sorry for the incoherentness of this! I wish so much that I could capture for you some of what we saw here today...I can put down some of the words, the schedule, the cool things that took place. But I can't even really begin to explain, for example, the look on one of my student's face...he was curled up in the corner, feeling very odd crammed into a house with all these other people that he didn't know necessarily...and he never ever sings with us as we worship...but he just sits and listens, and his face relaxes, but it relaxes out of it's constant, forced smile into lines of pain...
So, basically, we shoved him into a house with a lot of strange people, and then we made him sit through worship and prayer times with a God that he doesn't believe in...and when he finally did leave around 6pm, you could practically see the hunger on his face when he said something to the extent of, "I'm looking forward to coming again."

"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few."

Today was like being surrounded by the harvest. I'm seeing it in all different stages, and at all different times. Cindy, Lindsey, and Betsy and I sat around for awhile after everyone finally had left and had to talk and worship and pray and process...and the only thing we can come down to, again, is simply, "God is doing something big."

So we have people coming in and out; friends, relatives, neighbors, students...people who are non-Christian mingling with those who are...not really set schedules or anything, but just times of singing praise and reading the Bible and praying together...people becoming Christian right under our noses...people who are hungry being drawn in...this afternoon was, yes, very house-churchish and crazy and totally--TOTALLY--God's Spirit working.

Sigh. Is it any wonder that this post is incoherent? :)

Sometimes silence is all you can do...

2008-09-19T00:30:00.000-07:00

I've thought about typing up this blog post for awhile now, but when you are going through a time of silence, it's hard to put it into words... :)

For some reason (maybe it's just "the grass is always greener on the other side"), I remember days back in the states when it seems like I could communicate well. I distinctly remember passing speech class, for example. :) I remember talking to church members and talking to friends and leading study groups and music rehearsals and multiple things...and then I often stop and ask myself, "is this just me looking at the past through rose-colored glasses?"

The truth of the matter is that communicating in any language here--English or Japanese--is difficult. I communicate better through music than using any other medium, it seems like, and that is not necessarily so intentional (ex. I just had some help figuring out the whole meaning behind a new worship song that I've been leading people in...I had understood about half of it, and it seemed to fit the theme of the week, so I decided to use it...thank goodness, the other half of the meaning that I previously didn't understand seems to also have fit the theme wonderfully...:))

I can tell you step-by-step what happens in my brain most of the time I start speaking in a public situation:
1. Speak half the sentence (or at least a few words), begin a long pause.
2. Suddenly have a billion thoughts come into my head at once and see an entire picture/diagram/proposal that is fairly well-thoughtout but seems to involve a million steps.
3. Struggle over deciding what to choose first or if I can even verbalize quite that many steps.
4. Reflect upon the fact that what I have to say may not be what the other person really wants to spend time listening to...especially if it seems that long.
5. Decide that my brain is slightly overheated and I should just give up.

Sigh. It was funny this summer to go back to America and just begin speaking like normal towards the end of 10 days...not because of language, but simply because I'm unused to regular...speaking. I'm not quite sure why.

Last week, after church, I tried to start a conversation with a church member and they just simply turned away without acknowledging that I said anything...a common occurence here, trust me. That is NOT actually because they don't want to talk to me (I think...I hope...hehe), but simply because...well, living in this country you get it drilled into your head that you're supposed to read the atmosphere, don't intrude or annoy people, etc. So I think most of the time when I address people, I do it in a quiet, is it maybe ok to have a small conversation with you? voice. I don't know. It's like being verbally invisible sometimes...

Anyway, I'm only typing all of this because it is an ongoing struggle for me here, and I get into these random funks where I can do my job and even hang out with people, but it's like speaking and communicating with them takes up all the energy I can muster up.... People say, "Oh, isn't Japanese difficult?!" And I want to say, "Words are difficult! Communication is difficult! Japanese is just...a language." And then I just roll my eyes at God and laugh over the very ironic fact that I'm an English conversation teacher. You know that whole "God's power is made perfect in weakness" idea...yeah. :)

Monday seminars...

2008-09-15T06:09:00.000-07:00

Today, even though it's a Monday, is the last day of the weekend here...Japanese people have this habit of planning all days off full of random (and, I confess, for me usually unpleasant) things. I went into the weekend knowing that we had a Monday holiday, and also knowing that there was already a day-long seminar planned and a financial meeting after that. :( While it's good for Japanese practice, I wasn't expecting anything restful.

However, the seminar went beyond my wildest expectations! The speaker was a young pastor who is working on a lay-leadership program in Hokkaido, and there were so many times today when he brought up things like prayer, studying the Bible simply because you like it, and even spiritual gifts and the different roles church members have. There were at least a few times when Cindy and I looked at each other and said something scandalous like, "I love him!" :) But in reality, it was so truly exciting that at random times I wanted to stand up and do a jig. There have been multiple times over the weekend that I've seen God bringing people to Nozomi church who are ready and looking for so much more than the Sunday-morning Christianity that they are accustomed to right now. And here is this pastor at least starting to talk about discipleship! Really, prayers for him and the work that he's doing, and these churches in general would be lovely!

変わらない愛

2008-09-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

I've just finished singing a song that has "unchanging love" (kawaranai ai--the title above) as the first line...

Tonight has the perfect feeling of Fall--a little crisp coolness that makes you want to curl up with a blanket, but it isn't too cold to eat ice cream... :) I ended up catching my early train home from the kindergarten today, and since the evening was so nice I decided to get off at Niigata station and walk back to the church rather than take my next train. It's about an hour walk, with half of the pathway being beside a river where you can see the lights of the city yet take in the stars, trees, the sound of waves, etc. Have I mentioned before that Niigata City is a beautiful place? :)

Anyway, I walked and listened to old band songs and just mourned in general, which felt like the perfect thing to do on such a night. It feels like a good chunk of my life in Japan is spent mourning...I'm always getting used to things, and then things change. Part of the reason is because the people close to me are always changing--it's the nature of the program. Part of the change is just the changes in job focuses all the time, and the changes that happen in relationships with the churches, where you can never quite understand what's going on because of the language.

It's funny, because working at Nozomi isn't new to me...but being here all the time is. This area isn't new to me...but living in this house is. Lindsey and Cindy aren't new to me per se, but our relationships have changed this semester.

And so much has changed simply in my personality and roles, it seems like. A year ago, I was quiet, not expecting to lead anyone except from behind, and my biggest concern was being nice to the people around me. Now I'm brainstorming, jumping in as a leader by default even when I shouldn't be...

Mourning tonight actually made me think of Laura and Efrain the most (my former coworkers). I remember going to Sado Island with the Nomura's and Betsy, Efrain's birthday party and farewell party, singing with Laura almost once a week. I still remember singing with her in the car for the last time--we were crying so it was difficult to sing, but then we had to laugh too because our voices would crack with emotion at the most inopportune times...I remember being Ef's little sister, and always being able to count on him for taking the crowd and being the one with charisma. Goodness...how long has it been? But I still miss them. Being full-time at this place and not having him here is harder and weirder than I thought. Like, why would you mourn people 5 months after they left? I don't really know...

Sigh. It's really hard to work out of a place of unchanging love. I have a picture of what it could look like with my family, and with other people. But isn't it funny--and I hate myself for doing this!--how often we work out of the idea that we aren't loved? Working to impress, building relationships to protect, laying down rules to give ourselves roles and lines that give us identity...I do it so often. Especially here, when you can't understand the language and have the joy of knowing that you'll often screw up more often than you'll ever do anything right...it's really hard for me to go through changes and to not have the roles defined. Because if I don't have the roles defined, then I don't know if I'm doing things right, which means that I could screw up really big...or worse, I could just be screwing up all the time and acting really selfishly and people could be disagreeing with everything I do and I could just not be catching on at all...hehe, and this is dehibilitating self psycho-analyzing, de shou?

And all of this...makes me mourn the past again. I was safe with Ef and Laura, because we all had our roles and had them figured out. This...this is new and different and has already been messier than I would like it to be, in some respects.

I KNOW that it's good. On the worst days, I think that I'm barely working here as an English teacher now, and I'm not really doing anything worthwhile. On the better days, I realize that God has brought special people in every day, and the school seems to literally be exploding with new people coming in. Tonight we had a new boy come with his mother. They lived in Hawaii for a long time, and they want him to keep his English up...AND, get this, he's a Christian and he wants to be involved in a Sunday School or something. We've been looking for kid translators to help us start up a kid's program...and here this kid just walks thru our door and asks! It is things like this that make me realize that God's blessing is way more important than man's blessing...and seeing God's blessing is so very very exciting!

One girl came to my house and talked about "Who really is God?" for an hour Sunday night.

The kindergarten teacher came running with me to the train tonight and we again talked all the way to her house, and she invited me to the school sport's day later...

The "gifts class" starts tomorrow...don't ask me to explain it right now...it's just another example of God's blessing in ways that I could have NEVER pulled it together myself...

Don't ever let anyone tell you that being a missionary isn't a humbling experience--it is. Even the whole time that I'm writing all of this processing, I'm realizing how selfish it is to be thinking this way, and to being trying to get success and accomplishment and work to make myself and my relationships safe. Blah for human nature and sin. So, back to the unchanging love of God idea...so important.

Alright...have to actually prep for class tomorrow and go to bed. Enough selfish processing for tonight. :) At least I'm accompanied by Paul, who says, "The things that I want to do, I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I do. What a wretched man I am! Who will save me from this body of death? Thanks be to God in Christ Jesus..."

See? The answer: unchanging love.

The first week of class...

2008-09-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

Statistics from the first week of class:

- Number of classes: 12
- Number of new observers: 6+?
- Number of times of morning prayer: 5
- Number of evening worship times: 2
- Number of surprising people brought to worship times: 3
- Number of crabby days: 1 (no more than that, right...? ;)

- Number of times I've asked the question "How was your summer vacation?": roughly one hundred! (it feels like it, at least)

- Number of chocolate squares eaten: a secret (is that really countable?!)
- Number of times we've seen God do miracles: more than I can count...(even more than the chocolate bars' statistic...)

Special highlights:
One lady in my music class...we're talking about "Leaving on a Jet Plane" and talking about how it ends kinda sadly...since she is studying the Bible, I just commented randomly that expecting to be filled with human love always ends sadly...cuz it doesn't fill us. Only God's love does that. Then we ended class with a quick listening of "Trading My Sorrows," and at the end of the listening, with an embarassed laugh that reminded me of a young school girl, the lady said, "God's love is so...big..." I was struck with how intimate that sounded; and she realized too that "big" was not a holy or far-off word for God...just big. Hence the embarassed giggle, I think. And I realized that God's really been working on this lady...and it sounds like she knows, finally, that she is loved...

My usual connections with junior highers or high schoolers involve seeing them walk into English class at 7pm, still not having eaten dinner and coming right from basketball or music or one of the other gazillion sports or activities or cram school lessons they have...pretty much, they're dead tired. But this morning I got to visit the high school where one of my former students is a teacher...and I got to meet all of her students! Basically, I spent a couple of hours walking around and laughing and talking to random kids all over. It was great to see them in their elements...so much praying needs to happen for this generation...

To take or not to take...

2008-09-04T17:12:00.000-07:00

So, I've been wanting to post and reflecting on how I could put inside processing into words...being as the inside is usually just a jumble of emotions and confusion! :)

But I think I have the perfect concrete example from which to work off of: the Japanese proficiency test. The test is offered once a year, with registration happening in the summer and then the actual test being administered in December. Last December I took the first level (which, coincidentally, is level 4), and this year I could take level 3. My scores on level 4 weren't so bad, but level three has more kanji and vocab and new grammar stuff...and listening is actually pretty tricky...blah....

Do I want to go through the process of registering and be committed to studying? Is there even enough time left to study for me to pass? Would it be better to not waste the time and money on something that I know I'll be border-line passing on at best?...hmmmmm.

And then, the question of like...well, since I came back from vacation (and the question that I'm guessing we all have to get to at some point): how will I use Japanese in the future? If I'm planning on coming back and working here, or getting into a school here, I really need to study and take this test. However, if I'm just planning on going back to America and doing...something, then would it just be a waste of my time right now?

So the question, actually, goes deeper than the test. This country has a need that is so hidden, but so real...a couple of nights ago I was online trying to find original Japanese worship materials--anything that hasn't been translated from old Lutheran liturgy would have been alright with me!--not to say bad things about the liturgy--it's just very strange to be singing the SAME melody, just translated, as what I was singing back home--awful, I tell you!!!--anyway, I was trying to find original Japanese worship materials, and the few that I did find just made me ache, because it was so little...so little for a people who can be emotionally and symbolically touched on so many levels. This is the culture of the tea ceremony, shodo, flower arranging...ect. etc. etc. They feel emotions in special ways, with special meanings.

Anyway, enough ranting about the need for culturally-meaningful worship...culturally-meaningful Christianity...and the like.

Seeing the need, what is one to do? I don't want to live here for my whole life...but I love these people...does seeing the need mean that I should just plan on staying and trying to fill it? (ps - that would translate into me taking the Japanese proficiency test...just to try and connect my thoughts for you here...)

Sigh. I KNOW that the future is way out there, and that God holds it...so why the stressing now? Every once in awhile, with prayer and fighting thru anxiety, I seem to get to a place of trust. But (and this is like, the duh comment of the century) trust is so easy to lose...

I think about the evening worship planned for after classes tonight...I have a bilingual version of "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus," and we're reading the section of the Bible where Jesus walks on water and asks Peter to do the same. That's a good, simple picture for what this time feels like. Jesus walks into my life and asks me to come out to him on the water...yikes...but I can trust him.

Ok...so obviously no black and white answers for the future in this posting. :) But, I'm going to hop on my bike, and at least go to the bookstore and buy the registration packet for this test. And as for walking on water (i.e. trusting)...it definitely gives a person an adrenaline rush. :)

The beginning of 2nd semester

2008-09-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

I was halfway to my coworker's house before I realized that as I was biking, I was singing under my breath: "Soaring, flying, there's not a star in heaven that we can't reach...if we're trying, now we're breakin free." (From some High School Musical...1 or 2?) Disney channel movies and music don't often come to mind, but I was "genki" and happy and the words and music just kept coming out.

That's what it feels like to know that I can work here...that I can be at Nozomi and work with Cindy and Lindsey and see these church members and students. And even though it's 2:30am on the day before classes start again, it feels...so good...so blessed...to be here. A few months ago, I thought I was going to be sent back to America, and it felt like my reputation, job, relationships, etc. were all going to turn really sour...it's such a miracle to still be here, and to not only be here but to be in the middle of once again praying for these people and seeing God act in ways that I can never imagine or guess...

There is a lot of stuff left to do, and tomorrow's gonna be an interesting day...I go to the kindergarten and deal with crazy kid's most of the day...but I can't describe really...can't even explain...the joy that comes from being so "close to the action"...watching God work...seeing Him free people...

yay!

Goodnight. :)

Of music and badminton...

2008-08-31T01:16:00.000-07:00

So, just a few hours ago I returned from Nozomi summer camp, which involved spending a couple of half-days and a night at a retreat center in the mountains. Yesterday we all piled into cars with a lot of vegetables for the BBQ (for some reason, Japanese bbq's have no hamburgers and a lot of vegetables...), random sports equipment, my guitar, etc. etc., and we headed off...

The camp, in and of itself, wasn't really that interesting, but two grandkids of some of the church members came along to camp (an 8-year old boy and his younger sister), and it is actually for them that I've even sitting down and typing this.

I don't usually like roughhousing with the kids so much...in the past, I've left it up to Jenae, and now I can leave it up to Lindsey, but this 8-year old boy ended up being something akin to a "kindred spirit"... He's been playing piano for like, a year, and he's amazing! I was not faking it at all when I just sat and listened to him, spellbound, for a while. The joke of the night was Cindy pestering him to play a waltz so she and Niwa-san (a really genki church lady) could dance...the boy played and laughed.

And then bring in the badminton matches...ow! I think I can say with certainty that during many hours of badminton, I got my butt kicked by this kid. But mostly, we laughed and laughed... Whenever I was in the kitchen trying to help the ladies and be "grown up", he would come up to me, pull my hand, and say, "Let's play!!"

But beyond the "kindred spirit" bonding, there was this strange recognition of the fact that this kid could and should be a minister to other children...the perfect missionary to send to his age-group, ne? This kid has the music, has the joy and kindness to work with other people...now we just need prayers for his heart...

After the waltz, Niwa-san pulled at the boy and said, "Listen and remember this song: Haidee's gonna play you a really good song." So, I played part of "Inori" for him while he listened. It was funny to watch his face...a mixture of deep thought and appreciation of the music and processing the words...which probably wouldn't be funny, except for the fact that he really is 8 years old and most 8 year-olds that I know would listen to an adult playing a slow song on the piano and go "blah!"...

Anyway, this feels like randomness...actually, more traditionally-exciting things happened at camp too, like my student making it clear for the first time that he wants to study the Bible. Yay! :) But the thing that hits my "intuition spot"...maybe I should just say spirit? is that too far out there for most people?...is this kid...prayers for him and his sister, please!

(And if I'm going to have any future connection with him, maybe you should pray for my badminton ability too...) :) And now, after so many vegetables, I'm going to go consume some chocolate. :)

Sex, the Holy Spirit, and a new blog

2008-08-31T00:33:00.000-07:00

So, often in my life I've thought of God as my Father. The role of a child seems to be one of trust and learning from his/her father. Children don't really have to prove themselves to be loved...in fact, they may run away from the family's sense of values or work or relationship styles and still, they are part of the family. The kids aren't expected to have all of the answers to life's problems...I mean, c'mon, they're just children, ne? And the list goes on...

Disclaimer: All of this, I realize, is based on my relationship with my family and my own father...maybe for other's, a child-father relationship looks a little or even a lot different...but in my mind, this is the picture I get when I read of God being my Father. Safety. Security. Love...and not just any love, but someone who has to love me whether they want to or not. :)

Anyway, the reason for what some people might consider a scandalous title is because during the last week of prayer retreat here in Niigata, we (that being my coworkers here, Cindy and Lindsey, and my coworkers in Tokyo, Jenae and Amber) started to use the image of bride of Christ to describe us as the church, waiting for Christ's return. Suddenly, the mental picture of a sweaty boy running up and getting swung up on his dad's back for a ride was replaced by the picture of a grown woman, deciding to trust someone with knowing her, and deciding to love and commit to that person... She knows that it's gonna be hard, but she still steps down the aisle and says "I do."

I can't really even type that without a shiver of fear going down my spine...that much trust in a person is just plain frightening...to decide to be intimate with someone leaves a person really vulnerable.

But it's a really good difference to look at in terms of our relationship with God, it seems...I mean, the child is just one aspect of our relationship with God...the bride picture maybe starts us more on the road to discipleship and intimacy that we don't really dive into in our regular church services...

The other blog that I have is called "Learning to Fall"...(props to Amber for the title), because it really has been a time of falling, again and again. The last few months have been crazy-wonderful-painful growing-up months for me. There have been a lot of times when I've had to stand up and speak (I HATE speaking and being the leader...blah!...) and say really intense things (I used to value niceness much more than the truth...yeah, that's changing...).

But this "Breaking Silence" comes from two ideas, maybe: 1) the idea that God has called me to not simply be a child, but someone who is grown-up enough to speak. I know that I can either fight and be quiet, or I can continue to open my mouth. Usually opening my mouth involves some kind of speaking that makes me think, "God, why do you have me saying THAT?!?" It feels like the transition from only being a child, to grasping a little bit more of that bride image...I don't have to work with God only as a child...He's given me gifts and wisdom, and I think maybe he wants more from me than just trusting him to take care of me and those around me. And I don't have to work with God as a worker...someone who is grown up, making decisions and working together with a boss to complete a project... 2) If it's not just a child, and not a worker...it's this combination of trust, and love, and support, and fellowship...intimacy, ne. And intimacy, in my mind, seems to involve breaking silence also...

This seems to have a thousand different strands of ideas going in different directions...but I'm gonna let you tie the rest of them together for yourself. :) And if you really want more info on intimacy, let me know...